Okay - here it is:
I thought it might be interesting for others to see something my therapist had me do to work out the coping strategies of myself and my N partner. I had a worksheet to go by and was encouraged to add my own experiences.
Dandylife
NH:
Dependent/Endearing
Feelings that evoke this coping strategy:
Being abandoned, left alone, empty, insecure.
To Cope:
Seek support by acting child-like and in need. Seeks help often, becomes depressed, clings. Others may want to care for them, but feel drained. Blocks help from others by judging them as somehow “not right”. Gives up easily when not assisted.
Tough/Generous
Feelings that evoke this coping strategy:
Longs for intimacy, neediness, inferior, fears being overpowered.
To Cope:
Becomes domineering, controlling, hides vulnerability. Am I respected? In control? Won’t show hurt. Intimidates others by being stronger, more intelligent, more informed, more important. Desire to be on top, leader. Can’t form equal relationships, must be one up. Generous to those that admire and respect them. Overconfident, impulsive.
Expressive/Clinging
Feelings that evoke this coping strategy:
Can’t get the attention I need. Disappointed – yearns to be loved. Feels pushed away. Not attended to.
To Cope:
Am I interesting? Wanted? Easily upset, often makes a show of it. Loud, emotional, seductive, flamboyant. Anxious, sensitive. Idealizes others. Makes unreasonable demands. Looks for proof you care. Can’t tolerate distance. Desperate for closeness. Creates sickness. Delays separation. Trouble letting go.
Industrious/Over-productive
Feelings that evoke this coping strategy:
I am the “man”. Have to work to be okay. Always something to do. Fear loss of control.
To Cope:
Workaholic. Serious, perfectionistic. Seek challenges. Difficulty relaxing. Stay busy. Feel unappreciated.
MINE:
Sensitive/Withdrawn
Feelings that evoke this coping strategy:
Coldness, ignored, attacked, hateful.
To cope:
Withdraw. Isolation under stress. Shy, distant.
Self-Relying
Feelings that evoke this coping strategy:
There’s no one to help me.
Work alone. Expect nothing from anyone. Hard to ask for help. Hard to tell anyone things, believe they won’t care.
Burdened/Enduring
Feelings that evoke this coping strategy:
Stuck, defeated, “I must say yes to you”, “I must do what you want to make you happy, make you not hate me”
To cope:
Avoidance, low self-worth so stuck, passive-aggressive, in one-down position, hard to share ideas, strong shell. Delays confrontation.
Industrious/Overfocused
Feelings that evoke this coping strategy:
Fears being held back, longs for father, longs for tenderness.
To cope:
Am I worthy? Competent? Must work hard, keep going. Have trouble letting themselves be loved. Want equality. Cold. Distant. Busy.
