Author Topic: Things were going well until now  (Read 2151 times)

Jan

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Things were going well until now
« on: June 02, 2007, 05:29:18 PM »
Hi...longtime lurker here. I am hoping for some input about my current situation. To make a long story short, I cut off contact with my Nmom in 2005. It's been nice without her, such a relief.  I feel I've become stronger mentally and emotionally, and I'm getting better setting boundaries (a big problem of mine in the past). Well, guess what. Two days ago, my mother contacted my mother-in-law to ask her why I am no longer in contact with her. I have no intention of reconnecting with my mother-- it's an empty and meaningless relationship. However, I hate to have my mother-in-law in the middle of this. It's not fair to her.  My mother started crying and said something about her grandchildren... I don't think I should feel guilty about my children not seeing her. I don't know where this situation is headed, but I'd really appreciate some feedback on this. I don't want to slide back into the abyss!! Help!

Stormchild

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Re: Things were going well until now
« Reply #1 on: June 02, 2007, 05:41:01 PM »
Hi Jan

Welcome... wow, what a mess.

Couple questions might help.

First - how much does your husband talk with his mother [your MIL]? Does your MIL know what has been happening, at least from his perspective?

Second - how 'together' is your MIL? Do you think she can handle being told the facts, or is she likely to reflexively defend your mother merely because your mother's your mother? ["Bad Mommy Taboo" in action]

Third - how much time do your mother and your MIL spend together otherwise? Does your mother have any leverage over your MIL [is she the president of the garden club and your MIL the VP, for instance]?

If your MIL is a reasonably sensible lady, and your H has given her some idea of what's been going on, and you don't think she'll react with knee-jerk defensiveness of your mother, you might want to take her out - lunch, dinner, coffee, whatever - with your H, this is important - and fill her in. Both you and your H together doing this, if possible, so she sees her son supporting you. And also gets the message loud and clear that you both know she's not the same, that she's not at risk of losing you.

You can then encourage her not to be conned into playing the peacemaker role, but to refuse to participate in any triangulations your mother attempts - she can just say, "Well, Lydia, [or whatever your mother's name is], I really don't know anything about this, and it's not my place to interfere. You'll need to sort that out with them."

Your mother will probably push for a little while, trying to get her way, but if your MIL maintains her boundary, this will eventually stop.

Unfortunately, the only really effective disinfectant is sunlight. The easiest way for your MIL to understand that it won't help for her to get involved is if she understands why...

Wishing you luck and lots of strength.
The only way out is through, and the only way to win is not to play.

"... truth is all I can stand to live with." -- Moonlight52

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Jan

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Re: Things were going well until now
« Reply #2 on: June 02, 2007, 07:36:24 PM »
Thank you for replying, Stormchild! My MIL is well-aware of the situation with my mother. The two are not close, and have not been in regular contact with each other. In the past, they would only see each other at family events. My mom is generally very cold with people, and my MIL tends to be talkative and friendly. It's possible she could get conned into the peacemaker role, but I'm sure it won't wash for long. I am getting together with my MIL tomorrow, so I'll talk to her about it then. I think the hard part for me is standing my ground. It's difficult when people view me as heartless because I've cut off contact with my mother. So many people just don't get it.  My MIL believes my mother is "troubled" and "weird," but she doesn't seem to understand the narcissistic part of it.
Nevertheless, thank you again for your post and for wishing me luck and strength. (and I apologize if I've omitted something...I've been interrupted while typing this, and I keep losing my train of thought)
 :roll:

Stormchild

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Re: Things were going well until now
« Reply #3 on: June 02, 2007, 09:39:58 PM »
(((((Jan)))))
The only way out is through, and the only way to win is not to play.

"... truth is all I can stand to live with." -- Moonlight52

http://galewarnings.blogspot.com

http://strangemercy.blogspot.com

http://potemkinsoffice.blogspot.com

Jan

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Re: Things were going well until now
« Reply #4 on: June 03, 2007, 12:14:26 AM »
Thank goodness for this board. I am feeling much calmer now. I appreciate all of your responses. Yes, bean, it is that old anxiety creeping up again. And Ami-- "NC is self-defense"-- great point! My mind felt so clouded, I wasn't thinking of it that way, but you're right.  It's so nice to know there are people who understand. And thanks for the hugs, Stormchild... I need them.
Now, what was I doing?  :wink:

lighter

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Re: Things were going well until now
« Reply #5 on: June 03, 2007, 09:26:09 AM »
I'd say you need to get really good at ENFORCING your boundaries.  Now. 
Lighter

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Re: Things were going well until now
« Reply #6 on: June 03, 2007, 09:42:35 AM »
I think what this board has done for me and can do for you is make you see things more clearly.  I think a lot of us still allow our N to pull our strings-make up feel guilty etc.  We can help pull you back into reality.  I have had to set some pretty strong boundaries over the years and still get labelled unstable because she brings the emotions out in me.   She can push my buttons easily.  I am not at a N C place in my life but I can imagine your anxiety-her bringing in support!  Luck!
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"