Narcisisst and/or Sociopath?

[Anonymous]

Thankyou Wildflower once again for your encouragment. These past few weeks of pretty intense self-analysis I've been through, it's like I've come out a different person on some deeper levels. I'm finding it hard to explain at the moment because I haven't quite worked it all out. I can't put my finger on it yet, but the result is it feels like I've climbed another rung up Maslow's self-actualising ladder.

Some powerful old insecurities and fears which usually cause me HUGE panic attacks, fears that I know have affected my productivity and held me back, they seem to have completely vaporised. I keep catching myself looking for them to re-appear, and they aren't. Is it possible that the nightmare is over? Oh I hope so. It's like when I had a tumor taken off my knee. It sat there growing slowly, insidiously, silently for years. I favored that leg when walking, without realising it. I climbed steps one at a time, unconsciously. I was only in my thirties, but I was walking like a geriatric. Then they found the tumor behind the knee cap and removed it.

It wasn't till it was removed and I healed that I realised how badly it had affected me. And had hurt and made me walk funny! I must have looked so odd at times, and I didn't even know I had anything wrong with my knee, it had been like that for so long.

That's kind of how I feel now, in relation to my new found understanding of the WHY's regarding my mother. Not understanding why the hell it was always happening 'HURT AND MADE ME WALK FUNNY' through life. I think it's gone.

And now I move along with to Imposter Syndrome post that you posted, and feel it's like an avalanche of knowledge I'm experiencing, but everything sems so much better and lighter. I recall someone lending me a book about the Imposter thing years ago but back then I just never 'got it'.

How does it go, "when the student is ready the teacher will appear." Anyway, after your imposter post I surfed and yes, I have to say 'Guilty' of that too. Anyway, I mountain at a time.

Thanks so much for your valuable and kind posts Wildflower.
And once again thanks to everyone else here for your stories and contributions. I'm learning so much from you all.

Guest

[rosencrantz]

I love your voice, guest!  There's so much truth and honesty here - thank you for sharing.   I've been feeling pretty zonked just recently but I feel that I just arrived in a pretty peaceful flower garden.  I acknowledge the horrors of your past.  But as I read this last post, it was as tho the cares of the world were lifted from my shoulders, the wrinkled brow relaxed...  It's a good place to be.  

I love the symbolism - you kneecapped yourself so you wouldn't try to escape again.    I'm glad you waited until you could escape to somewhere better than the orphanage.  I thought you might find this amusing :  http://www.useless.net/~ryssa/bones/skull/kneecap.html  

And thanks for highlighting the concept of 'discrediting the witness'.  It explains why my mother is Jekell and Hyde; it explains why people lie and obfuscate. It makes life into a whole new ball game.   Thanks.  
R

[Anonymous]

Thankyou for your kind response once again Rosencrantz.

And thankyou so much for the SKULL link. I 'favorited' it after I read the 'kneecapped' poem. Wasn't that poem 'so' like some relationships we have. Yikes! Reading that poem was so immensely funny on the one level, but then so like having a spider crawling up my arm on another level.

I'm happy that you understood the 'discrediting the witness' thing. This, as I've said has changed the colour of the sky for me, forever! I keep asking myself, "Why didn't I ever see this before?" I shared it with a close trusted family member a few days ago, and he has been almost as seriously lightning bolted by it as I have. And he isn't a dummy, so I've stopped questioning my IQ, along the lines of "I must be a bloody idiot to not have recognised what the hell she's been up to for 3/4's of my life!"

Thanks again Rosencrantz for your input and I hope you're feeling okay. I have worried that events here recently may be exacerbating that 'emotional combat fatigue' you've been diligently working your way out of from your childhood/mother/family issues.


Wishing you well
Guest