Author Topic: This might be my last post--abandonment. I feel somewhat responsible, but--  (Read 9512 times)

isittoolate

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My daughter was born in May, 1964. I was home with her until she was 2½ and left her father—abandonment #1

She was such a great kid and had good caretakers when I worked –then at age 5. I was in the car accident, 1969, and away for a year (now she is 6) to return in a wheelchair, 1970—abandonment #2----different mother?---abandonment #3

Her father was writing me about reconciling, and after a year without drinking, as I had stipulated, he came to town and got a job. Before I knew it he moved from the hotel into my apartment. We were 3 again, and his divorce was in the works AGAIN, because the laws had now changed from only adultery to irreconcilable differences. The papers were with my lawyer.

One Saturday he had to work and drilled through the wall into the electrical box of the Paint Store next door and a fire started. Burned down ½ a city block. Now out of work, and I was still working and was still not familiar with alcoholism. After he asked, I agreed he could have a 12 pk of beer a week. I had a bottle in the fridge for my “after –work” drink and he never once touched it. To make a long story short he was drinking vodka all the time and putting the bottles out of my reach/sight (The cleaning lady dusted them and put them back, so she told me after.) That’s why one beer a evening had him tipsy. I had to ask him to leave again when the drinking became so bad I was afraid again. Our daughter was away that day with friends and came home to no father, again. She was 8-------abandonment #4

She got a dresser back in her room, so my bed had to be moved and she found a quart whiskey bottle behind the headboard leg. She knew then about his alcohol abuse--it wasn't just 'talk'.

Her father killed himself when she was 15—the end of her daydreams of his ever returning—abandonment--#5

In just 5 years she, 20, was married to the N who messed with both our lives.  7 years later the N kicked me out. I drove away and the estrangement began. She was 27—abandonment #6

She left the N in 1994, age 30, 3 children and divorced in 1996.—traumatic

Her eldest son left her to live with his father in the year 2000, so she lost a child (as had I)—abandonment #6

I can see the issues she has had and since our latest attempt at communication didn’t work, I stepped back and out--- abandonment?

She won’t know until I die if she will be my heir

I created a very Nish daughter and that does not make me happy. That makes me feel that I was a failure all through my life and only have a glimmer of hope for ME with this therapist.

Izzy







teartracks

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Iz,

My heart is screaming, NO, NO, NO IZZY, DON'T SAY THAT!  DON'T GIVE UP!

You're a block of gold like MS described on another thread. 

Love,

tt


lighter

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I don't know anyone else isn't saying it, so I will.  You would be missed very much if you left the board. 

I'm sorry things seem too large to overcome right now. 

Sometimes we end up in better places after suffering through terrible times. 

I hope we all learn and grow through our mistakes and tragedies. 

That seems to be what life is about, from where I'm standing. 

isittoolate

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Oh Thank you ALL for your replies
tt, lighter and Ami

I am okay, but haven't much else to say.

I read that post to Hops about estrangement of adult chhildren and some parents cut them out of their Wills. I won't. She is my next of kin.

Our estrangement will remain, but these last communications gave me enough info that I haven't lost any of the "voice" I gained, from being on this Board.

So all the Ns are out of my life and I have rehashed enough, that it's just the therapist and me, about Me!

Love
Izzy

Hopalong

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Well, hon...aww Izz.

I'm so very sorry for the pain.
I hope you're glad of the extended communication you had with your daughter.
You never know what seeds of healing you may have planted for you both.
None of us can say when an N-ish person is redeemable, or irredeemable.

When you "step back", you don't have to bolt and padlock and solder the door, do you?

Can you allow for miracles without expecting them?

Meanwhile...so glad you're going to focus on your own healing now.
You've made your amends, Izz.

You've earned peace.

hugs
Hops

"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

isittoolate

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(((((((((Hi CB)))))))))

What a lovely post--you remembered.

Yes, the forks in the road. I always chose the wrong one, eh? Look what I put my little girl through!!!!  Well that's all done.

I wonder if I can be therapized without having to talk about Ns???

You are something else!!!!

Hiya ((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))

Aw. I don't believe in miracles, not at my age and how messy I made my lfe.

I have learned a bit more about my daughter and the biggie was that all these emails were taking up her valuable time. What an insult!!

I think she is  just afraid she might have to look after me in my old age--older age! Well!! I will change my own Depends, thank you.

Anyway, let's see what ME therapy is like!!
Quote
you don't have to bolt and padlock and solder the door, do you?
Nope!

You're something else again!!!

and to tt, lighter and Ami


Love
Izzt

dandylife

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Izzy,
Please go back and read your own post. You are describing incidents that were well beyond your control. You did not make these things happen.

All of us - in our very human conditions - have good and bad things happen. You have an inordinate amount of bad things that happened to you and your daughter. But also, - because you are in therapy - you are focusing on the bad and the negative - in order to deal with the pain and move on in a positive way.

Izzy, you are an incredible mother. You are reaching out, extending your heart, extending your voice to your daughter. That is far more than most of us will ever receive from our mothers - N or not.

You tell the truth, you look for the truth, and most times, you find it.

I would be so so very happy to have you as my mother. Your daughter is her own person. She is responding in her own way to having a challenging life. You must allow that to happen. Allow her her own experience. Don't FEEL you have to control (or have control over) everything that happens or is to happen. You are doing your best, and giving far beyond the norm.

Love,
Dandylife
"All things not at peace will cry out." Han Yun

"He who angers you conquers you." - Elizabeth Kenny

lighter

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I've been lurking here a while, Izzy.  You've amazed me with your humor and ability to expose yourself.  To BE yourself.  Exploring the painful stuff is so hard, most people can't do it.  You keep going though, that's bc you're a strong person and you really desire to heal and understand.    

I really believe your daughter will continue to reach out.  It might not be this month or this year but, on some level she understands that you're not the cause of all her problems, ,esp with her N (and your being driven away by him.)  She's working through her own stuff too, Izz.  Her own guilt and vulnerablility.  I'm guessing her own scary stuff has more to do with this break than her stuff with you.

Keep growing and learning.  When/if she does reach out to you again, you'll be able to show her how to overcome bc you're doing it.  There's not better teacher than watching someone else succeed.  

isittoolate

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oh dandylife

The truth is, I could have [controlled] not had the accident if I had said "Yes" to that dimwit date, instead of "No" .

I wasn't a virgin so...but I didn't know he would become so angry. Third date, never see him again as he was going back to his Army base then on to Germany. Tromped on the gas and took that car to 120 MPH and lost control.

I was 'going home' to my daughter, to wash  my hair and get ready for a girl friend arriving the next day  (Sheesh!! My hair didn't get washed for 3 weeks and it was full of glass and gravel. plink! pliunk! --a kindly nurse did it at 4:00 in the morning)

and I see you are back (((((((((((((lighter))))))))))

Yep She has all her scary stufff and I have mine and there are more similarities than differences, if she would only listen, but it's time-consuming for her. I'm getting older, eh?

Well my g'daughter is 18. One more year to 19 and hope she doesn't do what her mother did. Enuff Ns in the picture

Love Izzy

Hopalong

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Izzz....that was an insulting thing she said, about her valuable time.

But don't fixate on that, stay stuck on it, believe it's the sum total of your interaction.

It isn't. It was a stupid blowhard remark that probably came from fear.

I fear you'll fixate on her clueless careless comment and miss the forest for that tree.

You and your D COMMUNICATED, in some detail, over an extended period...after years!


Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Bella_French

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Hi Izzy! I am new here, so I am sorry that I do not really know enough about your situation to offer you much help:(

I guess I just wanted to say `hugs' to you; please don't give up.

I also wanted to say that what lept out at me from your post was just how much you've taken on board which was well beyond your control. Most of those events are unlikely to have contributed towards narcisism. There are many factors, including genetics and personality. And please don't blame yourself. You've already had a hard enough life.

I can't imagine what you're daughter is going through, but please have some faith in the strength of a daughter's love and deep need for her mother. She has been through a lot, but she may be healing in her own way. Misdirected anger and antagonism can be part of the process, and very rarely permanent.

Hugs to you.
« Last Edit: June 03, 2007, 09:03:30 PM by Bella_French »

lighter

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Well you might wish you'd said YES to that psycho but, you had every right to say NO, Izzy.  It's a terrible thing when foreplay is a choice to be crippled in a deliberate act of stupidy or have sex.  <shaking head>

I don't know whether the DA lived, or not.  Did he?  

lighter

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I also want to say that I entertain thoughts of NC with my entire FOO, lately.  This is a new development in my life.  I don't know if it would solve many of my problems but, I do think about it.

I've also said some unkind (read that as loud and truthful) things to my mother in the last week.  I wouldn't usually do that but Ive been really angry at her and I'll explode if I hold them in so, I say them.  I must tell you, she acts like I didn't say anything at all.  Sort of maddening.  If I asked her to go away, she'd probably pretend I never said it and soldier on.  Id probably be glad she did. 

These feelings don't mean that I don't want her in my life.  Honestly, I do want her there.  It just hurts that she's so busy with her own life, and always has been, that she doesn't spend any time with me. In other words, it's my pain talking.  Not what I truly desire.

Hey, I know I'm a bit sour with her.  Have been for years.  It's passive aggressive.  So sue me. I Can't help it!   Ahem. 

On the other hand, you're a smart lady.  Maybe you should trust your instincts but keep that door open, on account a you just never know?

isittoolate

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Last email to daughter said:

I have to step back. I’m just dizzy, as though I have been spinning in circles.

It is very draining trying to keep up with you, with my inability to communicate without making a mistake. I’m just adding to those I’ve already made and leaving myself open for criticism.

Thank you again for your perspective on all the questions I did manage to communicate to you.


IZZY etc.

No I will not focus on that one thing, all in all that was an insult as well as calling accidental things "intentional" as well as asking for apolgies for calling her controlling and manipulative, when in context the sentence meant anyone. So I pointed that out.

When I mentioned that I was on Gus' pulse from before I met him, she said
"I"m not sure what to say re: Gus.  Let it go.  He's an asshole and that's all there is to it. and another, also about Gus was:
Me: In the first 2 months, I was none of Gus’ business, as he had me already set as a ‘mark’ before I met him.   
Her: I can no longer comment, because this is clearly dangerous ground and I am not going there anymore.

She is very angry and didn't like going back to things from the past & refused to respond to anything where I had been 'right'. Yes we communicated but what SHE wanted to say.

lighter etc.
No he didn't die. He had the steering wheel to hang onto for 3 rollovers. Was charged and convicted by Provincial Police and I sued him. No. He appeared to feel so entitled (now that I know Ns) that I'm happy I didn't give in.

Remember, I am 68 and my daughter is 43, and live 2000 miles apart. No l.d. phone calls, just emails. I can 'hear' the tone of her voice in some mails--and she is pissed off.

There has been nothing since I sent the email above, which is saying how much she criticizes me--- May 31, 2007

Love to both of you
Izzy




reallyME

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>>>Please- I love you and God loves you. You are going to reconcile with your daughter.

Someone said a very true and encouraging thing here.  The Bible has a promise in it for all who follow the Lord..."your children will return to the land of their fathers and call their mothers blessed"

I once told this to a lady with a daughter who had been estranged to her.  It took a while, but her daughter did return and do just that!

Trust in the Lord to see you through this.  He loves your child even more than you do.

~Laura