Guilt Trips

[tayana]

Ami,  I'm undecided about how much contact she will have when we move.  It depends on where we move and how close we are to her.  I've given up on trying to please her.  I can't.  I can only please myself, so that's who I'm concentrating on.

Lighter, thanks so much for that perspective.  You are absolutely right about the options.  I hadn't thought of it that way, and that's the way she thinks of herself after all, as my husband.  I might as well treat her that way.  I keep thinking if I pursue this it will all turn out for the best.  At the moment, I figure she'll be really nasty once I find a place and move.  She probably won't speak, and then when she realizes I'm not coming back she'll try to win me back by buying me expensive gifts and the like.  She'll drive me absolutely nuts by making sure I'm okay, even though I'm a big girl.  She's afraid to be on her own.  I'm not.

[lighter]

***RANT WARNING***

Tayana:
I've just finished having a maddening conversation with a family member and it prompts me to suggest telling your mother that:

1)  You now realize what a burden you've been to her and you want to move out FOR HER. (JUST TO CHANGE UP THE PACE AND TRY SOMETHING NEW)

2)  That you couldn't have had a more giving supportive caring wonderful mother and you're the luckiest MOM ON EARTH to be able to provide such a TREASURE for your son, as her. (nod your head like a maniac while explaining all this, sincerely, as though your life depended on it)

3)  That she's done such a wonderful job raising you, you'll go off and take responsibility for yourself bc she's given you ther tools to do so.  Why she's a bloody success as a mother!  Sing her praises on high!  Do the Snoopy Dance!

Give her ego such a stroke she's speachless for a while!... maybe you can breath and think and execute some of those well laid plans while she tries to pick her chin up off the floor and basks in the warm glow of dysfuntion. 

Start getting her to agree to see you and your son 10 times a week, more if she'll let you, for meals and babysitting and just girly girl time.  You certainly don't want to give up any of those warm fuzzy moments you've been enjoying with her!  You do, however, want to pull your own weight and stand on your own financial feet so as to lessen her burden.  (Click your tongue and guide her to a chair.....the poor woman must be exhausted from providing gentle consistent loving guidance and teaching for you and her grandson all these years!)

Hell, start makin sh*t up!  Mezmerize her with some of her own brand of BS.  Pull stuff out of your b*tt and see how that works for ya.  It can't be any worse that trying to reason with her! 

Ahhhhhh that family member just phoned me again <thunking forhead on computer>

Sorry if that upset anyone.    I'm so tired of dealing with family and trying to make sense and get people to understand I could just find some crazy unreal way to act that gets me the same outcome, whatever it is and I don't have to FEEL like I'm beating my head against a wall.  If I just started telling people I stopped loving N and want to become a Nun and be married to God I'd probably have less troiuble with the same results! 
<end rant>

[CB123]

Lighter,

One of the most hilarious rants I have read in a long time! 

CB

[tayana]

LIghter,

That's priceless!  I love it.  I was actually thinking about doing something very similar in fact.

[lighter]

CB, tayana:

I'm glad you were entertained, errrrrr,  understood I wasn't seriouse, lol. 

I'm trying to get all my "bitter and jaded" out this afternoon.  Tomorrow I plan on pulling out my "efficient and focused." 

I'll try to wear it all day as 

"Paralyzed and fearful" are in the wash.  <nodding>   

I'd slip into "pleasure in the moment" but

everything I eat sits in my throat (ouch) and that just doesn't fit.   

Maybe I can try that on Wednesday?

 

[tayana]

Lighter,  I hope you are feeling better.  To continue your theme, today I'm "determined and hopeful" recovering from yesterday's despair.  I know just what you mean about everything sitting in your throat.  I would go for pleasure in the moment on Friday though.  That's my favorite day of the week.   

[lighter]

I do feel better today tayana. 

It's a process, as folks here keep saying.

I have less fear.  More rest and compulsively going over the facts until their internalized....

Worrying less about what might happen or what I have no control over means I'm able to digest food again. 

[Green]

Tyana, I am glad to hear that you are feeling a bit better today. 

I wanted to comment on Lighter's hilarious post.

Lighter wrote:  Give her ego such a stroke she's speachless for a while!... maybe you can breath and think and execute some of those well laid plans while she tries to pick her chin up off the floor and basks in the warm glow of dysfuntion. ..... Hell, start makin sh*t up!  Mezmerize her with some of her own brand of BS.  Pull stuff out of your b*tt and see how that works for ya.  It can't be any worse that trying to reason with her!

I must say, although I do not advocate being mean or selling your soul to deceit (not that you were suggesting it either, Lighter), some of this stuff actually works if you choose to interact with Ns!  I interact with my Nmom rarely, but when I do, I tell myself, disengage, disengage, disengage!  If she starts going somewhere horrible, I deflect it by suddenly changing the subject, and/or telling her she's fabulous.  I have said (made up) nice things to her with my fingers crossed in my pocket, so that makes the lie feel better (I am acknowledging my true feelings that way).  When I tell her she's fabulous, she's completely basking in the glow of her "fix" and she forgets what horrible thing she was trying to do.  It's true - it's like she's mezmerized - like a freakin cobra in front of snake charmer!!!! This is only temporary of course, but it can be just long enough to get away or  change the subject.  When on the phone with her, and she starts going off, I have no regrets about telling a small lie -"oh, the baby just barfed on the floor, Mom, gotta go!" ...  or "Ugh, I have been having a case of diarrhea lately - I gotta run!  click."  I have actually used the first one, but not the last one.  Afraid I might laugh. 

Anyway, my basic point is this.  With emotionally healthy people, I can establish real, honest boundaries.   In my experience, honesty doesn't work with Ns.  I don't feel bad about the little lies. It's either that or NC for me.

Green

[tayana]

Green,

I strongly considered using some of those lines of Lighter's, if I thought I could pull them off convincingly.  I'm afraid they'd come out sarcastic, and not sincere at all.

My tendency when listening to her go on and on and rant and criticize is just to detach my brain and think about something else.  I try not to have any response at all, and when she doesn't get a rise, she drops it.  It doesn't do me a whole lot of good, since I still hear all her poison, but I like your idea too.  And I have lied, even though I hate lying, just to avoid the stream of "Where were you? Who were you with?" line of questions.  She has even asked those questions about work when I'm not at my desk to return her calls.  I do a lot of field work, so I'm not always there.  And her favorite thing is to call and not leave a message, then expect me to know she's been calling. 

WIth emotionally, healthy people I do a lot better.  I can have real conversations and not spend every minute trying to figure out what they're going to do to me.  It does still take a while for me to trust anyone though.