Author Topic: Ami - Understanding your dad  (Read 3456 times)

Overcomer

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Re: Ami - Understanding your dad
« Reply #15 on: June 07, 2007, 12:13:56 AM »
Well I cannot imagine N C-I mean I have gotten to the point that I do not want to spend time with my mom especially since I have worked with her for so long!  But our family gets together often and it would be odd to me to not be a part of it.  It is not real but it is togetherness.  When I am with others in my family we have fun-with my mom it is SO GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS
Kelly

"The Best Way Out is Through........and try laughing at yourself"

Ami

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Re: Ami - Understanding your dad
« Reply #16 on: June 07, 2007, 02:46:48 PM »
Dear Kelly,
  Your relationship with your M is similar to mine with my H.We have been together so long. We are the only family that each  one has. it is really,really hard. My parents live far away so NC is easy.
  Your life is all tied up with your FOO ,so you are in a totally different position with them . However, I can relate because of my H                                                 Love Ami
 
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Motherless

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Re: Ami - Understanding your dad
« Reply #17 on: June 07, 2007, 03:23:20 PM »
Ami - Overcomer - Tayana:

My mother is 85... my Dad has been gone since Jan. of 98. She lived in the family house alone (she wanted to come live with me, not a snowball's chance in Hell for that to happen!). I was it, the only living relative other than my useless sister who left in 71.

My husband and I traveled to see her every weekend (45 min. one way) for 6 years. There was also the 15 years beforehand, every weekend visiting my parents or them visiting us. It was suffocating, but as you said, you get pulled in, again and again.
That was 50% of any free time we had.. both of us work full time. She never appreciated it. I don't have to go into how she acted, you both know what that is like.

We finally got her out of the house, sold it, and she went into an Assisted Living facility. Again it was an every weekend thing or the phone would start ringing at 3 in the morning with suicide threats. After 2+ years there, the place basically told us that they didn't want her there anymore. In between the time she left the assisted living place and went on to the geri-psych place where she is now, there was 5 months of absolute turmoil. She went in and out of the hospital, back to a nursing home, back to the hospital, to the psych ward several times and to a rehab. All the while raging and telling me what a looser I was, how overweight I was, how I could go F... myself, I abandoned her....blah, blah....

When we interviewed with the director of the geri-psych facility he told me that I needed to start taking care of myself or I'd end up in a box. I knew that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He also told me that there was no reason for any contact if I didn't so desire it... they were set up to deal with her every need. They would call to let us know if any situations arose - but there was no need for us to go running. Of course, all the "running" over years was her control and manipulation. I can shut my eyes now and see the scenario. Her calling us and then her putting the phone down with a smirk.. saying to herself, "I did it again" and then laughing.

The No-Contact has opened my eyes.
It was like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders when my life freed up. Since that day I have been reeducating myself on a daily basis. I am teaching myself how to love and enjoy life, love my husband, enjoy my utterly free weekends (except for friends and my husbands family).

I was off the hook and she couldn't hurt or touch me ANYMORE... and do you know? When they call from the facility, I ask how she is behaving. They tell me okay, that is she polite and friendly but will act up on occasion.
I know why.
She doesn't have me to kick around anymore.... her narcissistic supply is gone. Those buttons she so kindly planted on me aren't on anyone else for her to push.




Ami

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Re: Ami - Understanding your dad
« Reply #18 on: June 07, 2007, 03:37:58 PM »
[I was off the hook and she couldn't hurt or touch me ANYMORE... and do you know? When they call from the facility, I ask how she is behaving. They tell me okay, that is she polite and friendly but will act up on occasion.
I know why.
She doesn't have me to kick around anymore.... her narcissistic supply is gone. Those buttons she so kindly planted on me aren't on anyone else for her to push.

 

Dear Motherless,
   I am so sorry that you had to go through that. It is awful. It really could have put you in a "box".
  Is your H good to you?
  I sure would like to have a picture in my mind of you being happy and joyful. I would like to see you laughing and doing all those things that you love to do. You have been through the war- Girlfriend!
                                                                                                                   Hugs to you  Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Green

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Re: Ami - Understanding your dad
« Reply #19 on: June 07, 2007, 04:09:18 PM »
Wow, Motherless, that is an amazing story.  Thanks for sharing it. I wonder if that will be me and my Nmom someday.  It also illustrates to me the insanity of these Ns, that they can call you horrible names, etc. and expect a loving, attentive reaction from you.  This is what my Nmom does on a lesser level now.  What a weird way to seek love and attention.  It's just nuts!

Green

tayana

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Re: Ami - Understanding your dad
« Reply #20 on: June 07, 2007, 04:30:17 PM »
Motherless, thanks for sharing.  I think this will be me and mom someday.  I'm firmly convinced she's going to live to be a 120 just because she's too mean to die, even though her health isn't so good right now.  I figure I'll end up taking care of her when she can't take care of herself.  My brother certainly isn't going to.
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt

Motherless

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Re: Ami - Understanding your dad
« Reply #21 on: June 07, 2007, 09:13:29 PM »
Tayana - Never, ever, a problem about sharing... it helps others understand the depth and breadth of what these people (the Ns) will go & do to get what they want.
I am only one example in a sea of people who are dealing with this problem.  A problem which has gone virtually unknown until the present. It is an unfortunate fact that their behavior will get worse as they age, never better.

Ami - My husband has been a wonderful person through all of this. He has put up with her antics and her name calling and bullying but when it got down and dirty (to him even) and personal with me he cracked. Not to me, but to her and his final opinion of her. He has no feelings left for a person who would do what she did.

I still catch myself on a daily basis, sinking back into the abyss of being a failure, no confidence, no self-esteem, but now, not finding myself not sinking totally. (I can now, pull myself out. It is the separation of 2 years that has helped.)
A feat I could never do in the past. I guess you could call me a recovering veteran of the Nmother war!

Thank you again for your kind replies.

Much love - you are all in my thoughts.
M~

Hopalong

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Re: Ami - Understanding your dad
« Reply #22 on: June 08, 2007, 12:21:46 AM »
aaah, Motherless.

What a drama queen she was.

It's good to hear you're mothering yourself, pulling yourself out of the bad places just as a real mother would.

What a waste of your precious years. It's wonderful you've taken your time back!

Kudos,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

camper

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Re: Ami - Understanding your dad
« Reply #23 on: June 08, 2007, 07:35:09 AM »
[I sometimes wonder if I'm just like her.  I'll say or do something and I'll think, no, that's just like her, I don't want to be like that.  She's so negative all the time, like some sort of soul-sucking vampire that
 
Dear Tayana,
   Vaknin talks about"wondering if you are like her". I used to be afraid that I had her characteristics. One little test that came to me(or that I made up) is,'Do you have a sense of humor?. They have virtually none. My H(maybe N traits) has very little. I know that I have a good sense of humor and can see subtleties. If you have this, I don't even think that you can be an N.
 However, Vaknin says that we get a "learned psychosis" from living with them. We get infected with their traits.
  I think the key is to find the" us" that was there before they interfered. Just from knowing you on the board- I don't see N traits. You could not understand subtleties if you were an N.
  I am thinking of you and praying for you    Love Ami

On this note Ami, I used to try hard to be like my H.  I used to carefully watch him so I could learn his ways in order to tangle with him.  I wanted to learn the skill of manipulation, lying, entitlement....How stupid of me.  Other times, I knew that it would be very unChristian-like so I stopped.  I thought the only way to stand up to my H was to be like him.  I never could learn and do though.  I am just not cut out like that.  Instead, I remain Christ-like.  He notices it.  He tells others how he admires me for how I react.  He still continues to react badly when he doesn't get his way and I have to not react to his reactions.  Walk away....let him get over it.