Dantes's Infernos and children's fermentation.

[Lupita]

Thank you so much for your words. I cannot send her back. She will stay for two weeks. She makes very little money and she is spending it to come here for a second time. She does not live in USA. So she does not even make dollars. Her money es very much devaluated. What I want to do now is to be able to look at her with indiference, with no pain. Like Gratitud said, from the outsiede. If I can accomplishe that I will be won my freedom. If I can detach from my mother, I will be able to detach from my students. My students behavior will not affect me. If I get to detach from my mother I will be able to have peace. I will not need anybody to love me. If I c an detach from my mother I will be independent. I would like to have this opportunity to work on my self to be able to detach.
My question is, how to do that? Is there any exercise? mental exercise?
I am reading "The Secret" and it is helping me a lot. But that is just about positive thinking.
I need something to be able to breake up with my mother. To break up psichologically. My son does it very well with me. I tell him what to do and instead of getting irritated he says, "yes mami" and he just does not do it, but he does not get mad at me. And he says he loves me and he accepts me but he does not let my words to put him in a bad mood. He is dating an older woman and I decided to wait until they finish instead of sticking my nose and upset him, I have broken the circle, my grand mother abused my mother very badly and my mother abused me very badly. I was not a perfect mother. But I broke the circle. I am proud of that. I am not as bad as my mother, but I can still do what my son does. I want to hear my mother telling me how bad I am and not feeling anything. Like when a little todler pokes his tongue at you, you know he is a baby and you do not get mad. I want to feel the same thing I feel when somebody cuts me off in traffic. I let him go, knowing that I am better off with an aggressive driver farther from me than closer to me. I want to feel nothing when my mother tells me how wonderful is my sister.

You guys have lots of experience, Hop, Grattitud28, CB123 and Sotrm, Write, Tayana, Ami, all of you talk as if you were psichotherapist, and I cannot mention all of you, you are many many good people here.

So, please, please, give me some lessons on how to look at her from the outside, how to detach, I get to do that, I will be free. I will not suffer for my students, will not suffer for bad looks from other people, will not suffer when I see that another coworker is the favorite to the boss, I have to get it. I will be successful if I do. Just tll me how.

[Hopalong]

Lupita,

In between being constantly hurt and frustrated, and now being much calmer around her, I went through a period of faking it.

And changing the subject, IGNORING provacative or hurtful remarks, and when something did get under my radar and hurt my feelings (because I let it)...venting like crazy to a patient friend or here or in writing.

Enough of that, and things do change.

Do you need her? Is it too late to cancel her trip and arrange home nursing care through the hospital? You could go see her when you're well on your own terms?

Are you allowed to change your mind about this?

Hops

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
  I want exactly what you want--- yourself back, self love,self worth and esteem. The good news is that I think that we can get it, The bad news is that it takes time and is a process.
I am really sorry that you have to have her there,now.However,it seems like that will be the way that it is. I don;t think that you can "get over her" instantly
  However, other s have given good  steps.
  I find that reading literature is helping me .. I am reading Frederick Douglass'
 book. This is giving me so much inspiration. He did not take the ideas of slavery inside himself. He was not "broken". However, he almost was. If God had not intervened, I think that he would have been broken.He says this himself .I got broken for sure and it sounds like you did ,too.
  I am seeing from his book, that the human can endure just so much before he breaks.It was not our fault that we got broken. I see,in this book, that he did not let the outside define him. It is giving me great hope.
  Also, you can see that when he could not hold himself up, God held him up and directed his path.
  It is so beautiful that I cannot express it here. He had so much dignity and intregrity and no one stole his insides from him,
   Lupita, just get through your surgery and recover. The problem with your mother will still be there for you to tackle,. However, it is too hard to "fix" it now. Try to rest emotionally and physically.
 I will be praying for you                                        Love Ami

 

[debkor]

Hey Lup,

Thinking about you with your surgery tommorrow.  I'll say a pray it goes fast and your recovery is speedy.

As far as your mom.  You know what she is like Lup.  Nothing you can do about it so when she talks and does something to annoy you or make you feel hurt, think about who she really is.  She can not stop this so you think of other things at the  moment block out her words and just make believe your listening.  Learn to turn her off and on, off and on.  Or just look at her and say yes or no let her do all the talking till she gets bored with herself.  If she sulks then let her do that too.
She will get very bored with no response from you and eventually stop. 

Look at her as if she was 3 years old trying to manipulate the adult (you) and treat her like you would treat a 3 year old. 
Put her on an adult time out, ignore her words.

Good Luck Lup!!! 

Love
Deb

[Lupita]

Today is big day. Not allowed to eat anything. I have a head ache thinking of breakfast. Hvae to be in hospital at 11:00 AM. My son and my mother are here. My mother wanted to call my sister as soon as she got off the plane. It did not hurt. Not this time. I dialed for her. This time she had the hponecard that she bought last time. I will not feel anything. I will not feel. Will do affirmations, positive affirmations and meditation. Before she gets up I will be in good shape.
Love to you and thanks to all who spent time writing me. Thank you friends.

[Ami]

Love and Hugs to you ,Lupita dear. I will be praying and waiting to hear from you             Love Ami

[Lupita]

Dear Friends, Yesterday I had surgery. Gall bladder removed. Laparoscopically. It hurt very much yesterday. Today I am able to write and think. Will be able to do aerobics in one week, weight lifting in two weeks, and swimming in six weeks. My mother helped a lot. She stayed awake with me all night. I was in deep pain. With all the drugs they gave me still had huge pain. Vomited bile several times, felt horrible, and my mother stayed there. Helped me with everything. The only thing that I did not understand, is that I fell asleep suddenly after so much suffering and she woke my up, “are you sleeping, are you sleeping”, and with my voice from ultra tumb I said “yes” but I hot awaken again to suffer, after half an hour my eyes got closed again, and she touched my arm and asked me if I was sleeping. Then I said that I was in deep pain. And she said, “why don’t you try to sleep?” I was astonished why she would ask me. For the tenth time my eyes got close again and she asked me if I wanted to sleep. I was very irritated and said why she would not let me sleep when I was in such a strong pain, and she said “I don’t have anybody to talk to”.
My son says that she indeed spent all her savings to come here. She stayed awake all night to help me vomit, and go to bath room, and all that stuff. So, I have to accept that and give thanks for her presence.
Today I am still irritated but feel happy. Everything was fine, and my life is nice. I have many things to be thankful for.
Thank you all.
I still will have three days at home, two weeks with my mother, and need your help and ideas.
Love you all. God bless you.
Lupita

[Ami]

Her waking you up because she needed someone to talk to - TOPS it all,my dear friend. I am so happy that you are O.K. I will write later                        Love Ami

[Hopalong]

Glad to hear you, Lupita!
Hope the surgery fixed whatever was wrong...let us know what the liver
pathology shows.

Your idiot self-absorbed mother...!! But glad she was there for you.

hugs
Hops

[Lupita]

Thank you Hop and Ami. Found a page for detachment. I will start practicing tomorrow.

Love to you.

http://www.coping.org/control/detach.htm

How to develop detachment
In order to become detached from a person, place, or thing you need to:

First: Establish emotional boundaries between you and the person, place, or thing with whom you have become overly enmeshed or dependent on.

Second: Take back power over your feelings from persons, places, or things which in the past you have given power to affect your emotional well-being. 

Third: "Hand over'' to your Higher Power the persons, places, and things which you would like to see changed but which you cannot change on your own. 

Fourth: Make a commitment to your personal recovery and self-health by admitting to yourself and your Higher Power that there is only one person you can change and that is yourself and that for your serenity you need to let go of the "need'' to fix, change, rescue, or heal other persons, places, and things. 

Fifth: Recognize that it is "sick'' and "unhealthy'' to believe that you have the power or control enough to fix, correct, change, heal, or rescue another person, place, or thing if they do not want to get better nor see a need to change. 

Sixth: Recognize that you need to be healthy yourself and be "squeaky clean'' and a "role model'' of health in order for another to recognize that there is something ``wrong'' with them that needs changing. 

Seventh: Continue to own your feelings as your responsibility and not blame others for the way you feel. 

Eighth: Accept personal responsibility for your own unhealthy actions, feelings, and thinking and cease looking for the persons, places, or things you can blame for your unhealthiness. 

Ninth: Accept that addicted fixing, rescuing, enabling are ``sick'' behaviors and strive to extinguish these behaviors in your relationship to persons, places, and things.

Tenth: Accept that many people, places, and things in your past and current life are "irrational,'' "unhealthy,'' and "toxic'' influences in your life, label them honestly for what they truly are, and stop minimizing their negative impact in your life.

Eleventh: Reduce the impact of guilt and other irrational beliefs which impede your ability to develop detachment in your life. 

Twelfth: Practice "letting go'' of the need to correct, fix, or make better the persons, places and things in life over which you have no control or power to change.

[Ami]

That is great,Lupita. You sound much better-like you have hope and "dreams" for a life without all the N pain that you have taken on from your mother. We will do this together. Keep sharing what you are learning. You are inspiring me.
  Check out Frederick Douglass'  autobiography. It really has changed my life. It gave me a
"if he can do it, I can do it" attitude. He was a slave, had no parents, and no prospects for anything. Yet, he had so much dignity and humanity..
 He had so much "bad" happen to him,yet he did not turn  bitter.  He maintained his core of who he was and that is what makes him so beautiful. Also, he had so much Divine intervention. Just when he was ready to fall, God stepped in with an intervention and pulled him out  .
   I never read too many biographies,but I think that I could get inspiration from them. Also, it would help me not to think that I had it the "worst" with an N mother ( and N H)         Love Ami   

[debkor]

Hey Lup,

Glad to hear from you and your surgery is over.  I'm very happy that you are feeling better today and the pain is residing now. 
Your mom just don't get it. Ah, anyway I'm glad that she can help out with what she can.  Keep your focus and that is on you, your healing and health. 

We will be here Lup!!!

Love
Deb

[Lupita]

Thank you Hop, thank you Deb, thank you Ami. Thank you for taking the time to write.
Today is Wednesday. She prepared breakfast and lunch for both of us. My son came to get my prescription to by in th pharmacy. He was irritated that he had to leave his friends and his things to come to help me. That is life. Too bad. The pain is going down and down. Cant wait to go back to belly dancing and salsa dancing, and weight lifting, and literature club...etc.
My mother is being friendly, miraculously. God will say what is coming. Positive thinking helps.
God bless you.