Ami - Overcomer - Tayana:
My mother is 85... my Dad has been gone since Jan. of 98. She lived in the family house alone (she wanted to come live with me, not a snowball's chance in Hell for that to happen!). I was it, the only living relative other than my useless sister who left in 71.
My husband and I traveled to see her every weekend (45 min. one way) for 6 years. There was also the 15 years beforehand, every weekend visiting my parents or them visiting us. It was suffocating, but as you said, you get pulled in, again and again.
That was 50% of any free time we had.. both of us work full time. She never appreciated it. I don't have to go into how she acted, you both know what that is like.
We finally got her out of the house, sold it, and she went into an Assisted Living facility. Again it was an every weekend thing or the phone would start ringing at 3 in the morning with suicide threats. After 2+ years there, the place basically told us that they didn't want her there anymore. In between the time she left the assisted living place and went on to the geri-psych place where she is now, there was 5 months of absolute turmoil. She went in and out of the hospital, back to a nursing home, back to the hospital, to the psych ward several times and to a rehab. All the while raging and telling me what a looser I was, how overweight I was, how I could go F... myself, I abandoned her....blah, blah....
When we interviewed with the director of the geri-psych facility he told me that I needed to start taking care of myself or I'd end up in a box. I knew that I was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. He also told me that there was no reason for any contact if I didn't so desire it... they were set up to deal with her every need. They would call to let us know if any situations arose - but there was no need for us to go running. Of course, all the "running" over years was her control and manipulation. I can shut my eyes now and see the scenario. Her calling us and then her putting the phone down with a smirk.. saying to herself, "I did it again" and then laughing.
The No-Contact has opened my eyes.
It was like the weight of the world was lifted off my shoulders when my life freed up. Since that day I have been reeducating myself on a daily basis. I am teaching myself how to love and enjoy life, love my husband, enjoy my utterly free weekends (except for friends and my husbands family).
I was off the hook and she couldn't hurt or touch me ANYMORE... and do you know? When they call from the facility, I ask how she is behaving. They tell me okay, that is she polite and friendly but will act up on occasion.
I know why.
She doesn't have me to kick around anymore.... her narcissistic supply is gone. Those buttons she so kindly planted on me aren't on anyone else for her to push.
