It has been one year now, since I walked into the T's office on 6/6/06, without H because he had refused to continue to go in there happy and come out fighting, again. One year since I asked the T, "What IS this? This refusal to ever admit that he is wrong?" One year since the T told me, "H has N tendencies." One year since the T proceeded to tell me a little about what that meant, and then that his own father had N tendencies, that lots of successful people do, including many doctors, that he could not understand WHY H's first wife stayed with him, unless she needed a meal ticket, that N rage was very dangerous, and one year since the T then insisted that I had no further need to see him, against my objections (I thought I might need some support through this). One year since I learned this truth, and simultaneously became temporarily engulfed in the T's personal drama, something of an Oedipus complex, I gather. OMG, sometimes I wonder if there has ever been a "normal" man, in the first place.
Thank you for being here, all of you. As I read the details of your experiences, and find them to be similar to mine in so many ways, it makes the load lighter for me. Somehow, when I read about another N'ish H insisting that he is right, and saying that you can check with anyone, and everybody will confirm that he's right, it makes it less deadly serious fro me, and more of a weird little blip on my radar screen. I feel more comfortable leaving it alone, and acknowledging that it is not going to change through any kind of logical intervention on my part.
It's a big relief to know that I really can change my own behavior, but only my own behavior. There is plenty of room for that, as I am aware that I act like my N mother at times. It's a struggle, revising one's behavior. One year into this, and the world looks different. I no longer feel victimized. I feel more like a student of life. I am happy to have such capable classmates in you.
