Spyralle,
Picking the precious, misused fragments of self from the ash is very painful. I hear it in your every word. Telling you that I was once in a similar place as you does not relieve your emotional pain in the least. But encouragement helps, doesn't it? The reality of these horribly painful life experiences is that there is no quick acting, effective analgesic. There are anti-depressants, therapists, twelve step groups, friends, counselors, churches, etc. There are resources, but none has the capacity to provide instant, lasting relief for the immediate pain. So where do you start? You start with what you have.
Up to the point where I crashed and burned, I didn't know that beneath the model that had been superimposed on me there was a Signature me. There always had been and always would be. God designed it that way. The big problem became, How do I pick from the ash, the now deformed, bent, bruised, fragments that carried my signature and reconstruct the one and only, unique person I was meant to be?
What I'm saying has a metaphorical ring to it, but you must start with what you have. And what you have now looks like ash, but beneath it is a trove of beautiful treasures with your signature on them. You must become contrary with a purpose. You must go against the grain of the wrongheaded thinking that was superimposed on you. You must be true to yourself. Then the fragments (the 'personalities') can be sorted and interfaced in a natural, complimentary, cohesive way that represents the unique, and only ONE of you.
I've always loved this verse by Edwin Marlowe.
"He drew a circle that shut me out--
Heretic, Rebel, a thing to flout.
But Love and I had wit to win--
We drew a circle that took him in!"
I still love the verse, but way too late, I found that I'd expanded and expanded my circle to include toxic, wrongheaded, abusing people in the name of a tainted version of love. A person whose physical, emotional, and spiritual life is amazingly healthy might fully embrace Marlowe's verse, and not suffer any negative effect, but in the hard times, the painful times, I found myself, I had to tighten my circle to exclude much of what I had embraced before. It didn't take long for my circle to look more like an Intensive Care Unit, than an ever expanding circle of 'love.' The good news is that I'm out of intensive care. My circle has begun to expand again but not without careful thought, about how expanding it will affect me and the one being encircled.
I hope I'm making a little sense. My main point is that there is a YOU in the ash. There are resources to help you organize and work through the process. You shouldn't feel ashamed. It's OK to tighten your circle and concentrate on getting you well. That the fragments (the 'personalities') can be sorted through and interfaced in a natural, complimentary, cohesive way that represents the unique, only ONE of you. You should not feel that you have to do this alone. What resources are you tapping into as we speak? The board is a good one.
Caring,
tt
