Advice please

[Hopalong]

Hi Axa,

How's this: you are not wrong if you write her, and you are not wrong if you tough it out w/o writing her.

I understand your impulse.

I echo writing it, sleeping on it, making it completely UNemptional but very calm, adult, and short.

Then again, I think she sounds dishonest and unstable. She could get the letter and do nothing about it, save it as something to ambush him with a year from now, which means it'd do you no good.

Bottom line is, you can't engineer her behavior any more than his.

You could however take the phone-in-hand "Leave my property or I'm calling 9-1-1" and I think it would only be necessary once.

It's also possible that he will not drive 4 hours again to be ignored. Not much supply in that...

hugs
Hops

[axa]

Thank you all for your advice.  I have decided the worst thing I could do is act out of a place of drama or anger so I am going to sit with it and see how I feel.  Unfortunately my T is on holidays at the moment but feel responding from where I was would have been me acting out.  I may send the letter or I may not it depends on how I feel once there is some distance from the event.  Feel quite grown up.

Thanks everyone,

axa

[lighter]

I think writing the letter was therapy in itself, for you. 

You needed to do it. 

You've done it and I'm glad you didn't send it because, guess what? 

XN would have been POUNDING on your door after his wife shoved it up is giggly hole, right? 

You would have been inviting him right back into your life and he would have come, IMO. 

<not so secretly glad Axa didn't send the letter> 

I think what you're acting from a place of growth, not acting out.  Your T will be impressed, IMO.  Good for you. 

[Ami]

Dear Axa,
   I am coming to the"place" where I strive to be healthy not normal. By this, I mean,being able to be congruent between my head and my heart. You did the right thing,IMO. You feel at peace with your decision. You feel "centered" about it.   I guess that there is usually not one "right" answer in life.
   I think that I am in a new phase now. I always wanted to be "normal. Since my mother is a therapist and this is my field also. I had a huge 'standard" over my head. That standard was "normal'. I actually never knew what it was exactly,but I was always striving for it and always feeling that I never got it.
    Now, I feel more like I did when I was 14. I want to be centered. Then, I will know what path to take. I will have the connection between my gut and head right.I will feel which way to go.
  Axa, you showed a lot of wisdom and maturity in your figuring out what to do,IMO.  Love Ami

[axa]

Lighter,

Still thinking about the letter.  There is no way his "wife" will throw him out she is only a "guest" in his house.  When they had their legal seperation she got her settlement and he built a new house. She needs him and will hang on there no matter what happens. I move between the two places of sending it or not sending it.... still sitting with it, realise I am not clear enough to make a decision.  The one thing I do know is that he is a bully and hates being found out.  His wife seems to have some hold over him though.  I think that because she was so much more subserviant than I that he appreciates that she will not challenge him much.  Also he is terrified of being on his own.

Ami,

Working on the congruence.  Not so sure about the wisdom and maturity...... but I am focused on what will work for me, rather than someone else and that is a new way of being for me. 

axa

[lighter]

Axa:

I didn't mean she'd tell him to leave.  I meant she'd get angry and tell him you sent the letter and that being found out WOULD MAKE HIM ANGRY at you bc you ratted on him. 

That is why he'd be pounding on your door.  Not because he wanted to bring you home and fill a vacancy.  Not that he wouldn't try to manipulate and own you again during the visit.  WHEW!  I don't even like thinking about their disordered minds and trying to guess what they'll do. 

I suggest doing nothing.  She/ N's wife, is a big girl and she knows a bit about him or she wouldn't have gotten rid of him in the first place. 

Take care of yourself.  IMO that means NC, with either of them.  Simply bc it isn't good for you and I want you to move in a more positive spirit.  Just my opinion.  Like I said, I'll support you whatever you do.  I just don't see anything good coming out of contacting the wife: / 

[pennyplant]

Hmmm, I'm wavering on writing the letter at all, but you have good reasons for doing so and should follow your heart on that one.  You will know for sure what to do once it is written and you've let it sit a couple days.

Postal advice in addition to Stormy's recommendation:  send it certified, return receipt requested, RESTRICTED DELIVERY.  That way, only she can sign for it and she will have to show ID.  Certified vs Registered: Registered is more expensive and often used for jewelry and such things.  Certified will be fine in this case as long as you use the other two services with it.  She might refuse it altogether--but probably you wouldn't want him getting a hold of it before she reads it, so it seems like Restricted Delivery would keep it out of his hands until she has read it.

I guess I'm wavering on sending a letter at all because it seems like he got in your head again after he surprised you that day, and maybe not writing the letter will get him out of your head again.  You know, complete, thorough, NC.  But I tend to obsess over such things myself and am coming at it from that angle.  I'm projecting here, in other words.  So, that's where the follow your heart thing comes in.

PP

[Hopalong]

Hi Axa,

Can you take note of how much time since he turned up your mind has circled around and around this idea?
Is it possible writing or not writing her is a shadow of the old attachment? (For me it was obsession, really.)

I really do grasp your reasoning about the woman's restraining influence.

I can just say that I had the most amazingly reasonable-sounding reasons for every single gesture I made in his direction over and over and over again. I felt sick every time I yielded to the impulse, but up until that moment, the divine tension of the obsession was all my brain could register.

Just a thought. Ditto I support whatever you do.

He is 4 hours away...

hugs
Hops

[axa]

I JUST LOVE THIS BOARD.  THat is my first thought.

Still sitting on the letter

Lighter, Penny, Hops,

I am obsessing and I know it.......... hate it, giving away my power.

Ok been thinking and would value your comments on this.


Part of the reason for sending it is the "wife"......... I know he told her he left me and I want to put her straight....... why, well if I ever run into her I want her to know this truth.  And what difference will that make......... Well, it makes me feel like I have the upper hand, arrogance methinks!!!!

I want her to know that he is not being truthful with her and lying to her because I know he has not told her about the contact he has tried to make with me.
Why, because it makes me feel good that she knows what a POS she is living with again and I am free of him.  It is really big for me that she knows he did not dump me.  It makes me feel good about the fact that I had value on myself and got rid of him.  Why do I need this validation...... maybe because I cannot give it to myself enough.  Something also about revenge, she treated me very badly any time she called to the house to see her D which was rarely.  It is all a bit twisted and confused on my part.

I do think there is something here about the shadow Hops. 

I have always behaved with a level of dignity, which is what he expects of me and somehow the letter seems like blowing his predictions of me out of the water.  He sees me like a pussycat who would not upset anyone and to be honest I would have no problem setting the cat amongst the pidgeons.  I think there is big acting from my shadow here.  Maybe there is something also about me moving out of the place of putting up with his abuse.  A bit like "so you think you know me"  I dunno feels a bit like standing up to the bully as well as the rest of my shadow motivations......... so unclear.  Still not doing anything though.

axa

[debkor]

Axa,

Well I don't know but in all  honesty I would probably be thinking the same as you.  No contact is good I really do believe but I myself might want to send the letter too. 

I don't get the feeling you are trying to punish him or her.  I get the feeling that you want to expose the Fraud he really is.  No more secerets, no more hidden agender, No more being passive. You mean what you say and you say what you mean.  He has crossed another boundry and you are acting on the consequences.

The letter might not be a bad idea for future references if he continues to try to see you, come there.  The letter can be a stay away notice. This time a curtesory next time a legal document. If it goes that far and he continues you will enforce to the extent of the Law to Keep him away. This way you will have your letter (copy) that you told him to stay away. It was put in writing so there is nothing that he did not understand or know if you have to really take it all the way to legal ways to stop him. 

and you get to do a Zingo to his ego too!!

Love
Deb

[mudpuppy]

Hi axa,

You might consider, if you don't mind the expense, having a lawyer, or solicitor as the case may be,  write the both of them a letter.

It rachets up the seriousness of it for both of them and gives you a middle path of not contacting him directly but not letting his provocaations stand unanswered.
God knows I'm not for giving lawyers any more money but sometimes they do serve a purpose.

mud

[pennyplant]

Well, I'm thinking that writing the letter will not guarantee any of the outcomes you hope for.  They are reasonable outcomes.... but you're not dealing with reasonable people.

Mud's idea of getting an attorney involved--now that seems like a way to gain the upper hand.  And get your truth out there.  And maybe keep him away for real afterwards.  (They might refuse the attorney's letter too if they have had trouble of that nature before.  But, still, that seems better to me than going it alone.)  The attorney would be your witness.  The wife might not be the kind of witness you hope for if it's just you and her and a private letter.

Letters don't seem to me to have the kind of power we wish they would have.  There is power in writing them and sending them.  But the person who receives it can ignore it.  People pay more attention in face to face encounters or telephone calls than to letters.  That's how I've experienced letter-writing (even though I'm a big fan of them--I love to write and love to receive letters, but other people are not necessarily the same.)

Glad to have you reasoning it out here.  This is helpful to me as well.  Good food for thought.

Pennyplant

[lighter]

Awww Axa.  I've been thinking about whats important TO ME lately. 

Do I want to be vindicated and have EVERYONE know what lies N has been telling about me, him, us? 

BIG yup yup yup.

Will I attempt to explain this to his family, friends, our children at some point?

Heck, I surely don't know. 

I will say this, I play the conversations in my head, I think about what I'd write, and it's not pretty.  I don't like how I look and I sure don't want to keep dwelling on bad stuff that keeps me down in the mud with my piggy N. 

His family is piggy too.  They won't believe the truth no matter how well I write it.  Why should I waste my time on it when they won't admit to believing it, even if they do?

It's not a win win situation.  It's not a win lose situation.  It's a lose lose situation and my priority is protecting my children. 

IF I decide that I can gain something FOR MY CHILDREN'S SAKE, I'll attempt this, on some level.  Other than that, I'm hoping I can move through this desire for justice and truth, lol.  It surely does suck to have to turn my back on all that unfariness and just let it rot.  But that's the best way to get past it, methinks. 

By NOT engaging in the craziness any more. 

I want that for you too. 

<whispering> 
Back away from the pen........
and burn the letter in an impomptu ritual complete with madrigal dancing annnnnnnnd
 perhaps some naked chanting.   
                     Stop think'n about the N and his squeeze. 
                     Get happy, and busy....



that's the very nicest revenge! 

[CB123]

Lighter,

I sure appreciate your wisdom.  Your kids are so lucky to have you in their corner. 

(The naked madrigal singing is a little weird, but hey...could be fun!  )

CB

[Ami]

Lighters advice is good for FOO,too. Thank you so much                   Love    Ami