Author Topic: And How Was Your Day?  (Read 1814 times)

teartracks

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And How Was Your Day?
« on: June 12, 2007, 08:38:33 PM »


Edit in:  The important message in this story is how constructive or destructive displacement happens  in our life.  Left unaddressed cumulative stress can turn into destructive displacement.  Done right, i.e., healthy constructive displacement we survive the daily stresses.   See:  http://www.voicelessness.com/disc3//index.php?topic=4903.0  It's also the story of my day, the day I fully understood the difference between constructive displacement and destructive displacement.  Sorry its long  :(

OK,  Shingles leisions are scabbed over.   Visible signs of the virus are gone.  But I'm very tired.  No energy.  The burn wound is about 2/3's healed.  The remodeling project is coming along OK.  Within a day or two of  the project start, the Shingles onset and scalding myself, my homeless nephew, much beloved by my mom, showed up clean and sober as far as I could tell.  I've had almost no exposure to alcohol or substance abuse so I really don't know for sure if he's using.  Anyway he was willing to help me with my 'to do' list on the project.  Even the simple stuff was and is too much for me.  About half way through what has been done so far, I sensed that the 'to do' list was being manipulated to extend the hours and increase his paycheck.  So as of now, things are on hold. 

About four days ago, I sensed a 'click' between two teeth.  Not a good sign.  I called the dentist who had installed the bridge that I thought was the source of the 'click'.  His office graciously worked me in.  We (the dentist and I) had not seen each other for years.  Back in the day before he was divorced and I was divorced and I moved away, we'd all been good friends.  Now it looks like he and I have the same hair colorist.  His once dark hair is now snow white.  So is mine.  He remarried.  He was very engaging with small talk.  Asked what I was doing now and how was my mom  and stuff like that.  When he asked about my mom, I teared up and said she was frail and that I was pretty much occupied taking care of her.  I apologized for not being able to follow through with details about her and said something like, maybe we should just get back to the tooth thing,  trying to interrupt my emotional break.   So that's what we did.  The bridge has to be uninstalled.  Hopefully the same one can be reinstalled once he does his magic with the anchor teeth.  Best case scenario a few hundred dollars.  Worst case scenario a few thousand.  And that's with him giving me the  'friends' break. 

Afterwards, still with close to the surface, raw emotions about my mom (something in the conversation with my old dentist friend triggered and added an extra layer to what was already there) I thought about how much time I currently spend just trying to figure out whether I can survive her passing.  When she fell recently, the result was a fifty cent size open wound on her lower leg which is just sitting there, open, fevered swollen and not healing.   We were in for a check last Thursday with her doctor.  The wound doesn't look significantly different than it did then.  But I'm thinking we'll probably need to see him again tommorow, though I doubt if there is a lot to do that I'm not already doing.  She is very lethargic and is getting that hollow eyed look.  I have a background in eldercare so I know a little about the progression of age, combined with injuries.  It's way different looking after my own mom than when I was the  cool headed, objective one looking after another daughter's mom.

One thing I know about my alcoholic/user nephew, beloved by my mother, is that he goes in and out of cycles.  He  lives/squats in the woods in a tent,  usually not showing up except when the weather gets really cold.  That he is here this time of year is unusual.  The cycle is that he'll be nice and calm for a while, then get touchy, insulting, blow up and leave not to be heard from for long periods except he  might call from a pay phone in a drunken stupor.  I can see that dementia has set in.  He's at about the level of a six year old when it comes to logic and reason.  He's a good looking, young man.  He is obsessively clean.  I noticed that the big jug of bleach I had on hand was disappearing by the cupfuls.  I knew he was using it, but, What for?  Today, he showed me a dime sized bump in the collar bone region.  He says it started out sore, he mashed it,  and now it's hard and he thinks it's related to a spider bite from about a year ago that put him in the hospital.  I think he's been trying to bleach away the bump and it's only gotten worse.  I didn't say anything about him using the bleach.  I don't know how to do that without making him feel like I'm accusing him unfairly.  I bought another jug, refilled the old one with water and two cupfuls of bleach and put the rest of it in a hidden place.  He rides/drives  a Moped (no license required).  I suggested that he check himself into ER.   The other night I told mom that if I suspected him of using, I was going to ask him to leave.  She begged me not to.  I might have to douse the house with alcohol to get him out.  She despises alcohol used even socially.  She would throw him out if she suspected he was drinking.

To say that I'm up to my eyebrows in 'circumstances' is an understatement.  While cleaning up the kitchen earlier, I thought how nice it would be to go through everything and arrange it in alphabetical order.  I don't mean like alphabetizing the spice rack, I mean every item.  To get it alphabetized in the way my minds eye was seeing it in that moment would take bulldozing the house and starting over.  Thanks to the "Displacement" thread, I quickly recognized that like Storm's old tom cat, I am in need of constructive displacement.  Actually, I'm at the point where constructive displacement turns into destructive displacement The events leading to where I am now have been back to back with no time for healthy constructive displacement, so without a break, destructive displacement is where it all goes next  Something has to give.

My brother had planned to take her to his home to give me a break.  The thing is that she doesn't feel up to going. 

I could 'go' somewhere to rest, but when it's all said and done, my bed is the best one I know.  I don't feel up to going anywhere either, but I know that getting away is what I must do regardless of how I feel.  She adores my nephew and I've wondered if he is responsible enough for me to leave her in his care for a few days.  I know the answer to that question already.  Not only is he not responsible, but will probably end up in the hospital with the bump.

And how was your day?

Seriously, I thought it might be good to have a thread just for venting about our day.  Any takers?

tt
« Last Edit: June 12, 2007, 09:55:41 PM by teartracks »

isittoolate

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Re: And How Was Your Day?
« Reply #1 on: June 12, 2007, 08:56:19 PM »
WEll TT

Nice to read your update. Always problems to solve, and no wonder you are tired.

AH! The dentist--I was expecting a romance to start, not more bridgework.

That spot on Mom's leg. WEll I might be different with ½ feeling in my legs but any wounds take forever to  heal. Does it look infected?

I never heard of anyone diluting the bleach before, but then I'm not sure why he might be using it. I am naive!

I, too, think of 'running away' but my home is my home and I don't want to go anywhere. I like my bed and my books and my computer and my DVDs.

You take care
I posted on the Izzy thread


I am here and have replied in a few places where the topic hits home.

I took a step back from my daughter and the emails as I found the 'exercise in futility' draining, dizzying, spinning, crazymaking, a catch-22. Since doing that I have been very calm-- it's like the NC with an N. That  makes me wonder since she was controlling the course of the emails.

I would like to send her an email and ask how SHE feels, as she did say that I was taking up all her temporal space and physical space.
I felt quite insulted with that.

I see the therapist today and as I write this I'm wondering what my complaints will be???  Is that fiunny or sad?

I believe I mentioned that I cannot relate to dealing with N parents, one or both, or divorcing an N/custody fights, or living with an N (as my experience is long over and just about forgotten, although likely one will  never truly forget)..........I suspect I must have my own story on certain topics to have a comparable response.

Love to all
Izzy



     Re: Izzy
« Reply #2 on: Today at 08:12:07 PM »     

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
anybody there?

At Therpay today, I told her that when I was in the car accident I felt that I ought to have had some counselling, whatever, instead of laying there paralyzed and thinking my own thoughts, imagining scenarios that might or might not be in the future.

She was quite dismayed to hear that no one was there for me--a whole year!

One being that my daughter wouldn't love me anymore. If people think something for too long, it almost becomes a 'truth' to them, as this thought was to me. We can send out vibes, unknowingly, and the whole thing ends up being the truth.

i.e. Daughter does something wrong and I would take it the wrong way, that she didn't love me and not that she was just a 7-year old, 8-year old----whatever.

I am my own worst enemy!

love
Izzy

 
She is now asking me why I will be coming to her for therapy--what do I want out of it??? To think hard about it for next week.
Hmmmmmmmmm

Any thoughts? Have a frontal lobotomy or a bottle in front of me?

Love
Izzy
 


Ami

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Re: And How Was Your Day?
« Reply #2 on: June 12, 2007, 08:58:10 PM »
Dear TT,
   I am so very sorry for what you are going through. I am not at that particular stage,but I just feel your exhaustion--- emotional,physical and spiritual. I am so sorry that it seems like a 'pig pile " situation with one thing on top of another.
  What hit me is the pitiful nature of life.It simply hurts  so much of the time. At every stage,it seems like there are big and little deaths.There are deaths of dreams ,hopes, our own confidence and self esteem and losses of people and relationships.
 I can just speak to pain,in general and I hear tremendous pain in you and I am so very, very sorry     Love Ami
   (((((((((((((((((((TT and Mom)))))))))))))))))))
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Hopalong

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Re: And How Was Your Day?
« Reply #3 on: June 12, 2007, 09:42:30 PM »
TT, hon.

I am so sorry. You're having a hell of a time.
I'm glad you just spilled it here...

You will survive your mom's passing when that time is due.
You'll survive your puddle-brain nephew and shingles and new bridge.

You must be so tired, and you deserve to be.

I think it's time for a caregiver's holiday. Is there anyone you could
arrange to stay with your Mom--are you in touch with all the
community resources?

I took Mom to the hosp. today. She's been weakening daily,
and could barely walk to the car, then fell in our driveway.
I flagged down a passing city truck and the angel inside came
and picked her up.

She's in for tests...we're not sure what's happening. I hope it's
not the beginning of the end but at her age, it's hard to be optimistic.

TT, I'll send vibes to you for courage with your Mom and all of it.

love
Hops

"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

gratitude28

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Re: And How Was Your Day?
« Reply #4 on: June 12, 2007, 09:49:39 PM »
(((((((((((((((((((((((((TT))))))))))))))))))))))

I am also tired. Emotionally... which seems to be affecting me physically. I was working out and feeling good about it, but I got frustrated seeing no progress weight-wise (which shouldn't be the point). So I have been sleeping a lot too. Doing a lot of avoidance type things... I guess it is knowing there is a big change coming up that has us down. I really don't know how I would feel about my mother passing. The alphabetizing must be something to give youa sense of control. I am sorting now for the move, and it seems to help at times. I would love for someone in my family to say, "Wow, it must be hard to have to pack up and move with two kids and to leave your friends." Instead I get, "Well, we did that and we LOVED moving." Yeah, right - that's the hazy memory again. I also told her of a job that I am applying for - teaching Russian. Instead of, "I bet it would be nice for you to work in your field," I got, "I can tell all my friends my daughter teaches Russian." As if she has friends. Which means she will be telling anyone she runs across. Whatever.
Meanwhile my sister is still perfect. I like her husband better than I have. But I still don't trust him. He cheated on her before they got married. It is not my problem, but I just worry about her and if this will actually blow up at some time. And my sister deludes herself a lot. She still has eating problems (diet problems). She is completely focused on food. She will bring it up and then get mad if you make a suggestion.
My mom is trying to get me to pay for her to fly and see us, I am pretty sure. I have done this so much and I am tired of being the one to pay for everything. She has done this to me since high school and I just won't anymore. If she wants to save and come, fine. If not, I am not responsible for the fact that she has to have new stuff every day.
Thanks for the ramble. I needed that!!!!!!!
Love, Beth
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

Ami

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Re: And How Was Your Day?
« Reply #5 on: June 12, 2007, 09:59:03 PM »
Hops -   I am sorry that Mom is in the hospital.,--You seem to be handling everything with a lot of grace. My heart and my prayers go out to you.
. It is so,very awful and heart rendering to see a human being "go down". There are not words to discuss the depths of the pain, I think.
  (((((((((((((((Hops and Mom)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))                           Love Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Ami

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Re: And How Was Your Day?
« Reply #6 on: June 12, 2007, 10:08:00 PM »
Dear Beth,
   I hear an underlying theme with you(IMO) that I have ,also. It is the fervent wish for it to be better with our mothers. It is almost like we are not accepting reality.  I think that we are still in a denial  that about how  bad  it is.
  I might be wrong ,but that thought hit me..It is almost like our anger at them is connecting us to them and if we let the bad emotions(fear,bitterness,  and anger) go- then we will be left with absolutely nothing-- no one.I think that I am seeing this with my head and not my heart.
   I think that I am on to some truth here,but I am not totally sure. I feel numb when I am writing this as if I can't really face it myself 
 I am going to post this as I think that it might have some value even though I am in the beginning stages of figuring it out      Love Ami

  Beth- How did you learn to speak Russian?
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

lighter

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Re: And How Was Your Day?
« Reply #7 on: June 12, 2007, 10:12:09 PM »
Ticking off on fingers....

Glad the shingles and burn are healing up.  You should be feeling better soon.  

Sorry your nephew, much beloved by your mother, is causing you angst with the bleach and the bump and the squatting in the woods when hes' in a dark mood.  Yikes and it's like waiting for a bomb to go off in the house, huh?

Duoh on that bridge let's hope it's a cheap to fix.

Sorry you mom's having such a hard time.  

It's not like you don't have enough to worry about and then you're worrying about losing her.  Remember, enjoy her every day you  have her.  Sit at her knee when she's feeling better and aks her questions about when you were small.  Make sure you have all of her best recipes down in her handwriting, whatever you need to do so there aren't any regrets when she passes.  I'm sorry you're so sad and have no escape from it.  Letting mom have a visit with your brother is the only way you can get a little vacation.  Maybe when she's feeling better you could do that, then sneak back in town a couple days early and enjoy your bed and space before mom come home?

My day was supposed to bring clarity. Instead I have more questions and a tad bit more frustration.  Tomorrow, for better or worse, I'll make a decision.  Wish me luck.

gratitude28

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Re: And How Was Your Day?
« Reply #8 on: June 12, 2007, 10:44:09 PM »
(((((((((((((((((((((TT, Hops, Ami, Lighter, Izzy)))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks so much for this thread and for being there to listen. I always am so encouraged by seeing how strong you all are.
Have to run as I am watching a neighbor's kids... they are bored due to the constant rain!!! Ugh was hoping the pool would be open to tire them out.

Ami - I started Russian in high school and went through and got a B.A. and an M.A. in it. I'd love to talk more about it later!!!!

Love, Beth
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams

bean as guest

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Re: And How Was Your Day?
« Reply #9 on: June 12, 2007, 11:02:39 PM »
(((((((((((teartracks)))))))))


((((((((((izzy)))))))))))

((((hops)))))

(((((((((beth))))))))

((((((((Ami))))))))))

hi lighter