Ns demands of perfection

[axa]

Ami wrote of Ns demand of perfection.

I just realised that this demand has controlled me most of my life.  I have always underachieved because I knew I could not be perfect, so what was the point in trying.  I see how it has effected other members of my FOO, many of them have gone the opposite way and are such high achievers they are stressed out and exhausted.  The bottom line is whether you do or whether you dont it is never enough.  The only outcome if failure.

I have always had a secret desire to be the "best girl in the class" but did not risk doing the work in case I failed.  That way it was easier to pretend that I was smart enough but just could not be bothered.  The truth is that I could not cope with the failure.

Last night I was at my drawing class and just could not get into it.  My teacher is wonderful, smart and patient.  She could see the rage building up in me.  I ended up in tears with frustration.  The script being rerun in my head was I am no good.  I cannot do anything.  I am stupid.  I felt like a four year old.  I just could not stop crying.  My friends in the class were very supportive, it is a tiny class, and understood what was going on but I could not get past the point of I can do nothing.

Of course I know this is not true but I met that little kid who is so frustrated, afraid and angry.  Normally the adult in me can talk the kid down from this place of discounting but it is still so there with me.  The discounting, undervaluing of anything I achieve this is such a struggle for me.  It is never enough.

The theme of whatever I do not being enough is so present in my relationships always.  I try so hard but all I get, because I choose Ns, is critisism....... playing out the old script again.

Thanks for raising my awareness around this Ami,

axa

[gratitude28]

The problem, Axa, is figuring out what "perfect" is. Especially with the Ns ever-mutating version of it. This has been a big topic for me lately too. I realized I couldn't do anything right - because they changed what "it" was before I could get near to being it...
Axa, you know I do the drawing/painting too. And I never have a passion for it. Because to me it is just an assignment. I have to do it "right." I don't enjoy it because I don't feel it. I am sure my teacher thought I was a PITA (pain in the a**) but he was also so sweet to me.
The nice people are out there, Axa. I am just finding them now. And even believing them when they say nice things. It will come, you just have to be squared away first.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Axa)))))))))))))))))))))))))
Love, Beth

[tayana]

Axa,

I have also been controlled by this need to always be perfect, for me I would try and try and do things, but I could never be perfect, so I would quit.  I've quit so many things because I wasn't "perfect" at them.

My nmom demands perfection, from housekeeping to my son's schoolwork.  If he doesn't do things just perfectly, then she rages, or tears up his papers and makes him do assignments over.  It's awful, and no matter how many times I intervened she never learned and never felt remorseful.  She would just say, "I guess you must love to be yelled at . . ."  or "I really hate yelling at him but if I don't he never finishes . . ."  So, my poor child is trying his best to be perfect and failing.  I would rather him be less than perfect and happy, than fall apart because he can't be perfect. 

I have learned in the last few years to let go if this ideal of perfection.  It doesn't exist, so I had to stop trying for it.  So I don't spend hours cleaning anymore, trying to keep my house perfect.  I don't redo things over and over and over for perfection.  Perfection doesn't exist.  It's better to be a little imperfect and happy, that to be miserable trying to reach perfection.

(((((((((((((AxA))))))))))))))))

I have also found some people who are emotionally healthy and stable, and I rely on them to keep me grounded and tell me, "it's okay."  There are people like that out there.  I try to stay away from the ones who'll drag me into the ground, and I've gotten very good at spotting those.

[Overcomer]

I  just had an AHA moment!  I am fat because I cannot be perfect-little digs my mom would say to me like FAT FAT when I was younger.  She even goes up to my daughter who has put on her freshmen 15 and says YOU BETTER START DOING SOME SIT UPS!  This from a women who cannot be bothered to do exercise.  One time I decided to go to the gym before work and she vetoed that idea-what would people think if you came into work an hour late?   she is something else-to think I allowed her to do that then!

[Ami]

Dear Axa,
    You had a really big breakthrough. Do you see what happened as positive? I do. It can be really scary when things like that happen. All of a sudden, you saw your reality. However, I see it as a huge "gift". I see it as Divine grace when we can almost change in an instant,like you did,Those voices come to  me when I interact with people. I think that they are trying to tell me not to trust myself.-that  I don't deserve to be in relationships because I am so "Bad"--- selfish, etc
   I am in a really scary place right now where I am questioning my sanity.It might be that I am looking back and seeing just how insane I was . I was so lost emotionally that I did not realize how distorted my thinking was.
  I am wondering 'what  is good mental health anyway?" When I was younger, I liked myself. I looked at myself as having good an bad traits,but I thought that I was a valuable person. I remember that I could face "bad" things in myself and be O.K. -like selfishness,pride etc. I think that I trusted myself up until the point where my father told me that I was "imagining it" about my mother.
  What is good mental health.? Maybe, I will do a thread later.
  I would think that it is trusting our perceptions, and seeing ourselves as having both good and bad sides. What do you think?My problem now is that those voices that Axa mentioned are "running" my life instead of me looking at reality about myself and the world and going forward with this. I don;t trust my own ability to look at reality. I can see with the last interaction with my M.She tried to jerk me around so badly emotionally that I was shocked. However, this had to have been how my whole emotional life was.My mother was  not physically abusive. I did not realize how bad she was because I thought that if it was not physical,then it was not so bad.
  However, I saw from her last 'head trip' on me that she was seriously trying to get me to face reality  in her "insane "way.She makes all these insane perceptions seem sane. Then, my father agrees.Then, I don;t trust myself because what they are saying seems totally insane and I am the only one seeing it this way. I chose to doubt and negate myself. Then she told me how to think and feel. This is where I am now, I think.also, now I think that my H is doing the same thing to me. I  need to really face my H and what this relationship involves.
   A good thread would be "what are the voices in your head telling you?
                    Love Ami

[Hopalong]

Tayana,
I'm glad you're seizing your son and no longer allowing him to be abused.

You're taking him (and yourself) back. You're the mother!

hugs
Hops

[tayana]

Hops,

Oh, me too.  Maybe this cold knot of fear I carry around with me all day will go away when I know I'm not going to come home and he's going to be demoralized after school.  I hated watching that.

Ami, I wish I could tell you what good mental health is, but I don't know.  I am starting to like myself a little more now though, so maybe that has something to do with good mental health.

[OC]

A continuation of this perfection.  My friend is "perfect" and her family is perfect.  They are thin and athletic and they dress nice and they go to church etc. etc.  And I was wondering why my friend's kids seem to be perfect.  I know when I was younger the perfection was not obtainable so both my brother and I kind of went the complete opposite way......maybe it is because my friend truly shows her children LOVE.  Yes, she is strict but the kids seem to do ok with that.  My brother and I?  Maybe we sensed that our mother's love was conditional and that her expectations were just too rigid for us to conform to.....so we chose to do just the opposite.  Also we could feel and somehow knew (even back then) that she really didn't care about us - only about how our reflection made her look.  She never were a part of our lives.......but we were a part of hers......does that make sense?  It's like in the episode of Sex and the City where Carrie is dating the Russian.  The only relationship they had was theirs.  They didn't spend time with her friends or his.  She knew nothing of his work and plans.  They just were.  That is how it is with my mom.  We really have no relationships outside of us and the family.  We were the only people who always went out to eat after church with ourselves - no outsiders.  They didn't know my friends or my friend's families.  In fact, my mom didn't like any of my friends - unless they happen to go to our church.  But those weren't the people I hung with.....so mom just didn't like or approve of my life.  Didn't watch me cheerlead.  Didn't go to any parties in elementary school.  Can't remember her ever going to a parent/teacher conference.

So are we perfect??  Boy, not at all.  I wish I could have caught some of the perfection....but it seems I do just the opposite.  Need to be pretty - UGLY.  Need to be thin - FAT.  Need to go to church every week - DON'T.  Need to not say the word butt - DO.  Need to not drink or smoke - did and do sometimes.....Go to bed early?  Stay out late.  Wear modest clothing - look like a whore.....

Well, maybe you get the picture.......I think just to spite the poor woman I did everything just the opposite of her.  I raised my kids differently.  I dress differently.  I do and say things in a different manner than she would have me to.  Maybe it is passive-aggressive.

[Hopalong]

Okay, Kel, I'll take on a couple of these self-loathing things:

1) you were a wild youth (other cview of "bad" is an organic rebellion against Nism)
2) you are not ugly, you're beautiful (don't argue--we've seen your picture)
3) fat shmat (just lose what you need to for health)
4) a glass of wine a day (unless you're alcoholic) is good for the heart
5) early bedtime (pfaw. some people like the night. biorhythms vary. Mine's 2 a.m.)
6) dress like a whore? (Jeez. I hate the term "whore". They're my sisters.) Dress any way you want.
7) church is a state of mind, not a building (pfaw pfaw!). Your own spirituality is your own business.

hugs
Hops

[Overcomer]

Hey thanks Hops-but those negative self talk tapes are hard to erase-nearly impossible-but my main point is that I have made a point of doing the opposite of what my mom wants and expects-EVERYTHING!  I do not think I cognitively did that, I think I did it subconsciously.

[debkor]

OC,

You were a rebel.  I had many friends with controlling strict moms who were rebels.  Hell I was a bit of a rebel myself.

Deb

[Overcomer]

Yes.  For many years I rebelled but hid it from my mom-an expert at having a well thought our story to keep from getting her shame poured all over me.  But I still was and am a bit of a rebel.  Cannot help it-being like her would be too much for me to bear.