Author Topic: Another Journal Entry  (Read 2148 times)

tayana

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Another Journal Entry
« on: June 13, 2007, 10:54:32 AM »
Looking through more journal entries, I found this one.

http://tayana.blogspot.com/2002/04/im-working-with-video-card-from-hell.html

How very telling is that?  I think I've come a long way from this post.
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt

Ami

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Re: Another Journal Entry
« Reply #1 on: June 13, 2007, 10:43:03 PM »
 I saw the entry. It shows(to me) that  nothing ever changes . It is a reality check.       Love Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

tayana

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Re: Another Journal Entry
« Reply #2 on: June 13, 2007, 10:50:38 PM »
I stopped writing about things she said to me after a while.  It was counter productive.  I wanted to work on me, not her.  So I stopped posting about the crazy things she'd say to me.  I have to say:

I am totally petrified about telling her I'm moving.  I've told my co-workers, the rest of my family, my son, my friends, but I can't seem to tell my mom.  And it isn't even the telling that I dread.  It's the fallout.  Like my brother said, I'm going to start WWIII.  And I hate that. 

I think I'll ask my lawyer the next time I talk to him what are the chances she could take my son away.  That has always been my greatest fear, and one of the reasons I stuck out this situation so long.  I was afraid of losing my son.
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt

Hopalong

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Re: Another Journal Entry
« Reply #3 on: June 13, 2007, 11:33:10 PM »
Tayana,

It's ROAR time.

You are the mother!!!!!!!!!!

hang in there, and I really do advise a buffer person...

Have you started packing?

This woman can SAY anything but she has NO RIGHT TO STOP YOU.

Courage!

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

tayana

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Re: Another Journal Entry
« Reply #4 on: June 14, 2007, 09:26:38 AM »
Hops,

I haven't started packing yet.  I think I have to get over the hurdle of telling her first.  That's all I can think about.  I've rereading Susand Forward's book on Toxic Parents, and boy, is that woman toxic.  I read and cry, mostly.  I keep rehearsing the inevitable speech in my head with some of the recommendations in that book.

Mother:  You're only doing this to hurt me.

Me:  I'm sorry you feel that way.

Mother:  You think you're so smart.  You don't know what running a household is like.  You're just going to make that baby regress even more.

Me:  I'm sorry you don't approve.

Mother:  When you leave, there's no coming back and there's no more free babysitting, and don't cry on my shoulder when you run out of money.

Me: Maybe we can talk when you aren't so upset.

It doesn't really work for me, because at some point, I'm going to break.  I'm going to cry, and all of those hateful, hurtful words are really going to stab into me.  Then I won't feel so strong anymore.  I actually don't feel very strong today.
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt

debkor

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Re: Another Journal Entry
« Reply #5 on: June 14, 2007, 10:53:14 AM »
Tayana,

Think Tayana this is almost over.  You do not have to worry about your moms controlling ways very soon.  You won't be in the same house as her. If she calls you can hang up the phone now when the drama gets too deep. 

If you break and you cry, don't worry about it.  Keep going. Crying does not mean you are weak. It means you are upset, sad, feel bad, even feel happy. 

You had all those hurtful words all your life. Think you will have a place now where you can choose to turn her off, get away from those words.

You are strong T.  You are just hurt by some very hurtfull words but you are still strong.

OK so maybe you don't feel strong today and won't when you tell her.  That is real but keep repeating to yourself, I am strong, I can deal with this, I am strong even if you are not feeling it.  Repeat it to yourself and eventually the feelings will follow.  Your brain will say I hear I'm strong, I'm strong, I'm strong and it will not know any better because it just takes in and sends out what you are programing it to do.  Eventually you will feel it.  All through those hurtfull words say quietly in your head, I'm strong, all through your tears, say I'm strong.

Get rid of those I'm not strong words. Turn it now T.  I feel I will be stabbed with those hurtful words and cry but I will feel strong.  I will cry because they hurt me but I feel strong. I actually feel anxiety today and worried maybe a little down but I am strong.

Turn the negative into positive messages and eventually you will feel them.  Start to tell your brain other.  You know T I do understand your anxiety over this.  It's hard but don't let anything stop you.  Your doing nothing wrong and nothing hurtfull to anyone.  You and your son should be in your own place.  That is a good thing for you both. 

Hang in there.

Love
Deb

Hopalong

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Re: Another Journal Entry
« Reply #6 on: June 14, 2007, 10:56:52 AM »
DITTO DEB.

It's a tape, Tayana. A tape running in your head.

It doesn't matter if you feel like a lunatic muttering it to yourself.
Practice now while you're alone in the bathroom. Say it out loud!

Cry and say it anyway! LOUDER!

that's how it works. You are taming your reactive reflexes by substituting another message.
It's really mechanical. You don't have to believe it. Just keep saying it to yourself anyway.

hugs
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

tayana

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Re: Another Journal Entry
« Reply #7 on: June 14, 2007, 12:07:07 PM »
Thanks, Hops and Deb.  I'm trying to turn the tape off by visualizing how much better things will be away from her poison. 

Last night my son told me she told him that once we leave, there's no going back.  That was a horrible, hateful thing to say to a child, but I turned that into a positive.  Once we leave, there is no going back to that.  I won't want to.  We'll be in our own place where there'll be no yelling, no screaming, not back-biting.  We can work on being strong, centered people.  We can work on being positive and using positive incentives to help ourselves.

I don't want to cry in front of my mom though, because she'll use that against me.  That would be proof that I can't handle this, and I don't want her to think that I can't.

After all, she thinks I'm taking my son out of a stable home environment.  But I thought a stable home environment meant that the kids were happy and loved, not that they lived in constant fear of how someone will react because they wear sandals to walk the dog.  My son even tells me that she asks questions when she thinks he and I are having a private discussion.  It's crazy-making.  It's insane.  I shouldn't have to worry about having a private, personal conversation with my child.  Because one night we had a discussion about something totally unrelated to moving, and then she pumped him for moving information.

She's basically told him that once we move, she won't love him anymore.
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt

Hopalong

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Re: Another Journal Entry
« Reply #8 on: June 14, 2007, 01:29:48 PM »
Quote
I don't want to cry in front of my mom though, because she'll use that against me.  That would be proof that I can't handle this, and I don't want her to think that I can't.

"Mother" says something cutting.

Tayana weeps and speaks:
I am crying because this is painful but that doesn't change anything. I'm glad I can feel.
Excuse me, I have to pack. I don't have time to listen any more.

Tayana exits. Tayana does not sit down and talk. If Tayana's mother says, sit here and listen, Tayana says calmly: No. I'm packing. [AND LEAVES THE ROOM]

You get my drift: SPEAK, SAY NO, LEAVE ROOM (tape in head: I am strong.)

Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

Hopalong

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Re: Another Journal Entry
« Reply #9 on: June 14, 2007, 01:31:10 PM »
PS--Aha.

You cannot control what your mother thinks of you, Tayana.
She's such a sour human being that she'll think crap if you re-invent the light bulb.

Part of your healing is to DETACH FROM YOUR MOTHER'S OPINION OF YOU.

xo,
Hops
"That'll do, pig, that'll do."

tayana

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Re: Another Journal Entry
« Reply #10 on: June 14, 2007, 01:59:23 PM »
Ami, I do feel more real right now. I think I feel more alive than I have in a long time, maybe that's why I keep having these bouts of weepiness.

Hops,

I will take your splendid advice.  I will detach from her opinion of me, which I am sure is quite low.
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt

Ami

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Re: Another Journal Entry
« Reply #11 on: June 14, 2007, 02:10:14 PM »
I am having the same "bouts of weepiness. Yesterday, at the furniture store, I would just start crying. Then later, at another store, I would start crying.
    There is a saying that "pain is the breaking of your understanding" or something like that. What I took from it was that as we go through pain, we understand things more deeply.
  Are you seeing other people as more 3 dimensional.? I don;t know exactly what this is. I just,today, saw that other people are "real"  .This sounds really strange if you have not been there. However,if you have, you will get it.
  These changes make me wonder how "really " screwed up I am. I guess that they all are a result of denial, though.
   I will keep thinking of you in order to have strength. You are further along than I am     Love Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

tayana

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Re: Another Journal Entry
« Reply #12 on: June 14, 2007, 02:17:09 PM »
Am,

I understand what you mean, although I only seem have that sense of people at certain times.  The rest of the time, I just sort of coast, rather numb.

I also wonder how screwed up I really am.

I'm glad that you can take something out of my experience.  I hope I can help you somehow, even if it is just through cyberspace.
http://tayana.blogspot.com

You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you
really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing you think you cannot
do.
-Elanor Roosevelt