Responsibilities and family

[Stormchild]

Stormy,

Unfortunately, my work phone does have caller ID, but it only works for internal numbers.  External numbers just show up with a code for external numbers.  And the woman will not leave a message.  She has an aversion to that, so at least I can tell who is calling from the hangups.  She has actually called and complained because I'm not at my desk, to me, not my work.

Unfortunate... but on the plus side, you may be able to let outside messages roll over for a few days, pick up the messages, and call your legitimate callers back right away.

I hope.

It takes a while to 'break' this kind of compulsive calling thing.

I don't really think of myself as brave, although that seems to be a theme in the stories I write, just like toxic parents are a theme.  The bravery theme often goes, "there's all sorts of bravery . . .and courage is taking action in the face of fear, not the absence of fear."  Does that mean I'm courageous because I'm taking action in the face of fear?

Personally I think that's the most authentic courage there is. Yes. You are very brave indeed.

I'm doing a little surreptitious packing . . .

God willing, you'll be leaving the most serious 'baggage' behind. Very soon now.

:::::::::::::::::::: applause for you; you deserve it.

[tayana]

I've been trying to break the compulsive calling thing for the last seven  years.  It hasn't work.  Luckily, my bosses don't mind.  The only time she doesn't call several times a day is if she's mad at me.

Thanks so much Stormy.

God willing, you'll be leaving the most serious 'baggage' behind. Very soon now.

:::::::::::::::::::: applause for you; you deserve it.

Well, actually, I could leave about half what I own behind too, then I wouldn't move it.  How did I get so much stuff?  Thankfully, I really have about the same amount of room in my new place as I do here in my "upstairs apartment."  So maybe I can just spread it out in the living areas and it won't look like have so much.  If I didn't have so many books . . . .

[Hopalong]

I am feeling a jolt of happiness to think of you packing, Tayana.

 

I feel privileged to have watched your amazing leap to strength and autonomy.

hugs and cheers and calm mantras...
Hops

[tayana]

Thanks Hops.  I didn't get a lot done, but some.  It was a start, at any rate.  After tomorrow night, I'll be doing a lot more packing.  After Tuesday, I think I'm going to start moving little stuff in.

[lighter]

tayana: 

Practical matters:

Take things out of the house that your mother can take or hurt you with.  Get your jewelry and all your paperwork out, for instance.  Put it in your trunk.  Get your baby pictures, your son's baby pictures. 

You have a better idea what that woman may do after she hears the news.  She'll be there in the house with all your things and you won't be able to do anything about it then.  Think about that now and really get things screwed down tightly before you tell her, K? 

[Ami]

Dear Tayana,
   I wanted to pass on a piece of advice that I got from Vaknin's book. I do not like to use it except in emergencies". However, you should have it in your "tool bag" for the big day.
   Vaknin says that in a confrontation with an N, you need to mimic their tone and their level of agitation or anger. You need to get in their face if they are in yours and go for it blow by blow. Vaknin says that they will get a look of confusion on their face and stop.
   The other day, I did this with my H. He was far enough away from me that he could not hurt me ,though. With him ,you have to 'gauge his distance" because I don't trust his "impulsivity
  My H looked stunned as Vaknin said.
   I also, did a similar thing to my mother and she was completely speechless. Vaknin says that if you "act like them", they don't know what to do. It neutralizes them. Just a thought. I am praying and thinking of you    Love Ami

[aguest]

Not to totally contradict Ami (sorry), just another option that also works.

The totally non-reactive option.

She fumes, you look blank.
She yells, you keep your voice low and sweet, unconcerned.
She stomps, you giggle and walk away.
She freaks, you remain totally unaffected and your facial expression shows it.
She says awful things, you don't hear.

Like dealing with a two year old having a tantrum, she flips, you don't.  You keep doing what you're doing as if she isn't there.

I noticed you already said that you tune her out so you know how to do it and it might be the thing to keep doing.

Your only reaction is if she threatens suicide (or any other violent act), you simply call 911 and continue to move on out.  No need to go to the hospital.  They will deal with her.

aguest

[tayana]

Lighter, I was just thinking I need to file some papers away so they wouldn't get lost in the shuffle and were all in one spot.  The lease papers are at work in my desk.  I thought of that one already.

Ami, I have done exactly what you recommended before with mixed results.   I'm going to attempt to do what guest recommended and be non-reactive, which I have also done in the past, with better results.

Of course, I can't really predict anything, even though I know the sort of reactions she's likely to have.  She can be eerily rational at times, and that's almost scarier than one of her rages.  She is unfortunately, not always predictable.  And I can never predict how Im going to react, no matter ow many times I rehearse something in my head.

My son said, "I'm going to be in my room.  I don't want to be around when you tell her."  I don't blame him, at all.

[lighter]

I'm so dreadful sorry your son has anxiety about her reaction.  I hope there's a way to get him out of the house when you tell your mother.  He shouldn't have to feel fearful of her behavior one more moment than he already has. 

It'll be done and over soon.  Can't wait for you to feel snug and safe in your own place!

[tayana]

Thanks Lighter.  We drove by the place today so my son could see it.  He thought it was pretty neat.  I just hope he doesn't fall apart once we move.  I told him I was so proud of how mature he was being about the idea.

[Hopalong]

Tayana...

Can you find a friend-date for your son during this confrontation with his grandmother ... ?????
This is the kind of trauma he doesn't need, right?

Hops

[Ami]

Dear Tayana,
   Hops post brought up an idea. What if you have a friend be there with you when you move. My mother won't act badly in front of other people. She saves those gems for us . Just a thought for your arsenal                          Love Ami

[tayana]

She'll behave herself on moving day because my brother will be here, and she wants to look good in front of him.   The most she might do is go off and sulk.  My son is invited to a birthday party that day, so he could go to that while we move.  He doesn't really have friends right now.  My mother has made sure he's stayed isolated, and anytime he does get involved with something and enjoy it, she stops taking him.  She had him going to church and Sunday School, but now he doesn't do that either.  She's too afraid I might get five minutes alone with my father to talk.

My dad said he had a really bad feeling about this court situation, and he wanted to know what his responsibility would be.  I told him there shouldn't be any, since he had nothing to do with it.  He was asking me what all I might need for moving, and he even told me it was a fine idea.  That felt pretty good.

My son crawled into bed with me last night and said he was really nervous about moving and wanted to know why we had to move.  He likes this place, and he didn't get to see his new room.  He was mad at me for doing this, even though this is going to be the best thing for both of us, but for a minute, I considered backing out of the lease agreement in light of his tears and sadness.  THen I realized he was manipulating me, just like my mom does, and I told him I couldn't back out of the lease.  It was done and we were moving, and it was all right if he was mad at me, and the next time we move, he could house hunt with me.  This time though, I took the first place I could find.  He's just going to have to accept that he's going to be leaving his old room behind, and that he might have to get rid of some of the toys and things he doesn't play with anymore.

I'm just not going to back down.  I found a really interesting book at the library, "leaving home" by David Celani.  It is an excellent book about adult children who have a hard time separating from their families.  I'm finding it very inspirational.

[Ami]

You are doing great, Tayana. Of course,you have doubts.Anyone would, I think. Anyone would think about "backing out" and staying with the familiar
    Today is the big day,right? I am praying for you and your son ((((((( Tayana and son))))) Love Ami

[JanetLG]

Tayana,

You have a cloak of loving protection from everyone on this board, today, while you deal with your mother and get AWAY!!!!

Janet