Relationship Readiness

[Hopalong]

1) single
2) non-sociopathic
3) brushes teeth

[CB123]

Axa realized that she was alone. Are we alone b/c we have N relatives and N issues or is this a "LIFE" issue? If this is a simple minded question--- forgive me       

Ami,

I don't think it's a simple minded question--it's a question that great philosophers have asked. 

I think that in moments of acute self-awareness we become aware of how very alone we are.  I think that healing from N relationships brings with it many moments of that kind of self-awareness, so maybe that's why we are so conscious of the aloneness.  Most of the time we are busy with the life of a community and that is as it should be. 

In moments that are very life changing--birth and death for example-- there is an aloneness within community, like you are in a bubble and you are viewing other people as though they are very far away.  I don't think you can avoid the far-away feeling, even in the best of circumstances.  It's a reflection of the truth of that moment--no one else can share the experience with you completely, no matter how much they love you or how much they want to.  When the people around you are N's, the aloneness seems much deeper.

You are going through a traumatic time, Ami.  I think that it isnt just the trauma, but also the life-changing nature of what you are going through that makes you feel alone.

CB

[Ami]

CB---- How long did it take you to get wisdom like that? Did you go through what I am going through or am I going through it worse b/c I have a N mother    Love   Ami
 
I wanted to add something-----the "aloneness" really comes from not trusting myself to be my own friend and be in my own corner

[Ami]

I wanted to add something else. Once I had an  acupuncture treatment on Stomach 36--- right near the belly button. It made me "centered" for 3 days. During that time, I felt whole and not alone, at all. I felt "full and complete.
   I felt that I was "there" for me. This is what I am yearning for.Now, I feel like a ghost apparition 'above the body of a person,if you have ever seen those pictures. I feel that my "self" is not in me. I know that someone must understand this..
  The acupuncture treatment results  did not last,but at least I know what I am shooting for.

[Stormchild]

4) bathes regularly, changes clothes, uses deodorant

[Ami]

THANK YOU----- you are so dear                         Love   Ami

[WRITE]

excessive love bombing

that is so hard Ami when you desperately need some love, to withstand intense love-attacks.
In some ways culturally it's easier for other cultures to see it as insincerity, eg in English culture it's unacceptable to give praise or affection openly! People have to find other ways to abuse...and do.
But it's the hardest thing to get over having thought someone really loved you like you needed and then found it was just a routine.

Hard to trust to that sponteneity and affection again.

(((((((((((((((((((((((( Axa )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

someone who wants to be with me

this is so important lighter. If the partner doesn't want to be with you really it undermines self-esteem and well-being as well as happiness. Soemtimes I thought I would die from disappointment with my ex when I thought- finally, he's here with me, then it would be a mistake or he'd quickly revert.

no one else can share the experience with you completely, no matter how much they love you or how much they want to.

I think that's why it is so important to find people who can just be with ytou there in the moment even when they ( or you ) don't fully understand.
In my work I think that's what makes some people successful and others not- the ones who can just be there no matter what is happening and convey a sense of shared humanity and empathy even if things don't make sense or are fraught.

I've sat with people in very difficult circumstances or distraught and watched as they calmed simply by knowing I was there and able to stay with them and they belong in some sense and are safe.

the life-changing nature of what you are going through that makes you feel alone.

CB's right Ami, everyone else goes about the daily surface routine and we don't see their pain or deeper emotions....though as someone pointed out they are there too.

It's like when someone dies and life appears to go on unheeding around the bereaved....

Except you don't have a dead person and a funeral and all the rites of passage, or an easy way to tell everyone, this is what I've been going through.

That's why support groups like this are so important.

brushes teeth

bathes regularly, changes clothes, uses deodorant

Looks like we've a few of us had problems with smelly partners?

My ex wouldn't bathe enough or use deodorant, he said it was because of his skin condition but I think partially it was his low self-image and partly he doesn't think anyone should tell him what to do.

I find myself smelling guys now though, when I get close to them, I love the smell of their clean skin and faint perspiration and aftershave! 

[lighter]

My N's chemsitry is perfectly suited to mine. 

Shame really. 

I think he could have brushed his teeth better, more often.... but they're very nice teeth: /

It's his black souless being, that's the problem. 

Not his bathing rituals. 

 

[WRITE]

his black souless being, that's the problem. 

is he gone from your life now?

[axa]

Talking about smells, here is a weird one.  I used to love the smell of Xn when we were together first, he was very clean but had such a "soft, warm smell"  About a year into the relationship I noticed, we had as good as stopped having sex at this stage, I could not smell him. It was as if he was without a body odour.  Was it my nose, dont think so! or was it the fact that there was no one there??????  Answers please on a postcard

About aloneness, I am very much alone but manage it.  With XN I was desperately lonely........... not there anymore.

axa

[lighter]

Write, I'll mail you an update. 

[WRITE]

I wish no one had to feel alone.
You are not alone, here is some love (((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Ami]

[
CB's right Ami, everyone else goes about the daily surface routine and we don't see their pain or deeper emotions....though as someone pointed out they are there too.
 

i want to get to the point that I have "weeded out N interference and can just face life issues. N distortions are "killer"( The feeling of worthlessness etc) ---- I guess that we ,as humans ,have seeds of these,but everything must get magnified when you have an N parent, Does this make sense? Do you think that I am looking at it right?                                                                        Love   Ami

[WRITE]

Does this make sense? Do you think that I am looking at it right? 

yes. You are looking at it how it looks to you, feeling it how it feels to you. That is right.

The N stuff really wobbles our security with that I think, our sense of self and what is real or what is right. Coupled with my bipolar and difficult childhood I was lost for years.

***

Church guy and I have found a good place to build from; it feels perfectly natural and close when we talk, like we're being honest and ourselves. I think i told you I told him I want to date not get serious at first. We have these talks, go away and process things, talk again.

I've never done it like this before, it's like taking time to be sure before even taking a step.

Maybe I won;t always be quite this cautious.

But it is wonderful watching us both grow with the effect we are having on each other, and to see that he is consistent over time, and willing to give me time too.
He told me he isn't going to see anyone else.

He smells good, and his hand fits perfectly into mine, just the right amount of pressure! We smile at each other a lot now, just for no reason.

He says he'd like us to write some music together soon. He's not competetive now and is working on stuff of his own. I do tend to bring out that side in people, maybe I should tone down my showing off in future?!

***

Ex has forgiven me now and is fine again.

He said tonight he didn't think hitting me was so bad....I just looked at him and said 'we all minimise our faults'.
I think he sees more and more that it's him who is off-balance.
But he doesn't care enough to change anything.

I feel insecure if i spend too much time around him, I ty to just do family stuff and cut him off with his negativity or criticism if I can.

Funny though how fond of him I am despite everything....

[lighter]

Church guy and I have found a good place to build from; it feels perfectly natural and close when we talk, like we're being honest and ourselves. I think i told you I told him I want to date not get serious at first. We have these talks, go away and process things, talk again.

I've never done it like this before, it's like taking time to be sure before even taking a step.

Maybe I won;t always be quite this cautious.

But it is wonderful watching us both grow with the effect we are having on each other, and to see that he is consistent over time, and willing to give me time too.
He told me he isn't going to see anyone else.

He smells good, and his hand fits perfectly into mine, just the right amount of pressure! We smile at each other a lot now, just for no reason.

Personally, and maybe it's just the space I occupy right now, I think you're going PLENTY fast, Write. 

I also think it's a bit out of bounds to tell you that he's not seeing anyone else.  There are strings attached, he wants you see ONLY HIM.  Before you're ready for that.  <tapping foot>  This does not puhleeeeeeze me.

I am not pleased.  Hmmm.... not sure that should matter to you, in the slightest but, just a caution from the dark side.  I want better things to keep happening to you, now that you're free of your ex. 

Another flag for me was all that smiling.  If you can't wipe the grin OFF your face, I believe it's going to be trouble down the road.  Just a hard and fast rule of mine.  I save those boys for "dating" and nothing more seriouse.,errrrrrr, at least I used to, when I dated, lol.