falling off the wagon

[axa]

I think a struggle I see on this board is how we take some steps forward and then a few backwards and how this impacts on each of us.  This is very significant for me right now.  I lost my way a bit over the last few weeks, stopped exercising, withdrawn, rerunning old tapes etc.  I want to write about this because I want to acknowlegdge that this is part of the process.  Just because I can get things done, take care of myself today does not mean I will not slip back into the old ways tomorrow.  Staying motivated is something I struggle with daily.  I know that writing this is a way of taking care of myself and will prompt me into taking action again.

Part of my script has been to give up once I take a step backwards. I need to see this as just a blip along the way and not throw in the towel.  I want to move forward and have in many ways.  I do not want to give up on myself and sink back into some sort of lethargy which is so familiar.

Maybe what I am saying is something about forgiving myself for falling off the wagon.  It does not mean I am not good enough.  It does not mean that I cannot be happy.  It does not mean that I cannot make great strides in my life.

axa

[Hopalong]

forgiving myself for falling off the wagon.  It does not mean I am not good enough.  It does not mean that I cannot be happy.  It does not mean that I cannot make great strides in my life.

YES YES YES YES!
Woo hoo!
Happy dance! (err...somebody teach me)

YAY, AXA! Great BIG one, hon!

 

Hops

[Overcomer]

axa:  I think we all do this.  One day I feel like Rocky Balboa-hands up in the air-victorious.  The next day I am wallowing in self pity.  But as long as our steps are forward moving them there is progress!

[CB123]

One day I feel like Rocky Balboa-hands up in the air-victorious.  The next day I am wallowing in self pity.

Me, too!  I can feel like both in the same day! 

On the days when I feel like I'm hitting the wall , I am trying to let myself just be.  Not push into the next thing before I can do it.  Usually, it's a good movie day! 

Good for you, Axa! Knowing what's going on is half the battle. 

Love,
CB

[tayana]

Oh me too!  I think it's normal.  Sometimes it happens in the same day.  It's so hard to keep going forward in the face of so much negativity and anger when dealing with the N.

Go, Axa, you can do this.  I know you can.

[lighter]

Axa.  This is BIG.

I'll share a story.  About 10 years ago I had a younger room mate.  Overachiever at work.  A mess in her home life and always choosing the wrong men.  Family pressure to get married.

She was going through a bad break up and she came to me and said...

"Lighter, the thing that's getting me through this is the fact you gave me permission to make a mistake, learn from it and move on."  

She had always faced mistakes as though they were an emotional death sentence.  They paralyzed her.  Condemned her.  Made her feel like a failure and she buried herself in negative judgements. Her internal dialogue was brutal.

A light came on for her when she was "back in the void" again and she found a little addition to he regular internal diologue.  NO ONE HAD EVER TOLD HER IT WAS OK TO MAKE A MISTAKE!  Learn, grow.... move past it and do better tomorrow.  It helped her change her life.  

Guilt sucks.  

[Ami]

Dear Axa,
   When someone is as "real' as you are being,now,it gives others "permission " to fall back also. I hope that it is O.K.  not to be perfect . I have been trying to be perfect all my life and it almost  killed me..
    I think that you are reacting to N messages inside your head. In the N world, you could never be human, feel bad or make a mistake. You always had to be "on top of your game."
   I hear you saying this distortion. it is so hard  to get N ideas and shoulds out of our minds. They seem so "natural" .Sometimes, you don't even question them. You just respond like a robot.
  I have been responding like a robot  since 14.
   You are a step ahead in that you recognize the "distortions' and you are reaching out for help.
   It really helped me to see that I don't have to do this perfectly ,either.                  Love Ami'

[axa]

THanks guys,

Learning to appreciate and love my imperfection

axa

[gratitude28]

Hey Axa,
You know what I have figured out, thanks to this board? There is NO WAGON. There's just life and it goes on one day at a time. So try to live each day the best you can. If you didn't do the best you could, there's always tomorrow to do better. Try to lay your head at night content with your day. Try not to hurt yourself.
(((((((((((((((((((((((Axa))))))))))))))))))))))))
You have come so far. Now give yourself a break and take each day as it comes.
Love, Beth

[gratitude28]

Lighter - your story is ME!!!!! I want to hang myself over the tiniest things. I am learning to say "sorry I screwed up" and move on. (Ugh, I got scared just typing those words).
Love, Beth

[lighter]

Lighter - your story is ME!!!!! I want to hang myself over the tiniest things. I am learning to say "sorry I screwed up" and move on. (Ugh, I got scared just typing those words).
Love, Beth

Of all the things in the world I want to teach my children,
I want them to learn that making mistakes is how we learn. 
I want them to learn to do better. 
I want them to grow, not get paralyzed and feel shame. 
It seems elemental to me now but, it took me years of research to figure out what discipline and parenting is supposed to be about. In my humble opinion, of course. 

[Lupita]

Do not forget dear Tayana,

Breath slowly

Count to ten

Put your imaginary helmeth.  The information is not entering through your helmet. You are looking from the outside. The helmeth does not let you hear. It is like you did not hear anything. Just smile. Do not engage, just detach. You can never win an agument with an N. They are not reasonable.

You can do it. You can take care of your self. You are strong.

Practice meditation. Say to your self, it is not going to affect me whatever she says. It will not affect me.

Tell your self in front of the mirror, "I am going to have a good day"

Love to you.

Lupita

[gratitude28]

Lighter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Guess what? I HAVE taught my kids that and I am sooooooo happy. A few weeks ago, my son had a hockey tournament for the end of the season. They had a bunch of contests - fastest skater forward, fastest skater backwards, etc.... We all knew he wouldn't win - he is relatively new to hockey. But he tried and did a GREAT job. I was so pleased with him for trying and so happy realizing I must have made him sure enough of himself to do it even knowing he would not be in first place. As a kid, I quit everything if I wasn't going to win. I wouldn't even try!!
Also, I did a ton of reading and research too to decide how I wanted to raise my kids. And, lighter, we are already at a an advantage because we listen to our kids and HEAR them.

Lots of love,
Beth

[Ami]

Dear Beth,
   You are right to feel happy and proud. You gave him things that you could only have wished for.
   You gave him parenting which was "from your heart and soul." You did not" learn 'parenting . You mined your heart and soul for it.
   Cherish the moment. As they grow, there are many moments like this(I think)
   I had one when my son joined  a fraternity.                                            Love   Ami

[gratitude28]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((Ami)))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you and congrats on your son. My kids mean the world to me and I think children, in general, should be happy above our own lives. I was made to feel that I was the toy that my mother was expected to have and which didn't turn out as she would have liked... I was the beanie cap that wouldn't fly...

Love, Beth