Reality check for my mother, terribly painful for me

[lighter]

I've just clued my mother in for 3 hours about (my interpretation)  her grown children's realities.  I clued her in about her grandchildren, as well. 

She's always been pretty demanding about holidays and her expectations. 

She lives in a deep selfish, errrr... used to live in a deep selfish state of denial about the reality of our situations. 

She's never around BUT WHEN SHE IS she expects everyone to snap to,
so she can get in visits,
on her schedule,
so she can go away again and ignore us and live her own very nice life without involvement with us or our children. 

She's very particular about us falling into line and committing to STUFF when she is around so she can chalk up TIME and LOVE very quickly then exit our lives without the fuss and muss of guilt or care. 

Not any more. 

I'm horrified that I've told secrets.  That as bad as things were NOW they will be even more dramatic and awful.  But I just told about our truths, as I see them. 
She's clued in now. 
I must have felt it had to be done and I guess since she's been haging around, I felt she was interested enough to hear it. 
I never felt that before. 

Hee, that'll show her!  The one time she extends herself and attempts to be helpful <SLAM!> She gets reality, right in the chops, and unpleasant truths about how F'd up all her children and Grandchildren's lives REALLY ARE!

lol... I bet she's bloody regretting that she took an interest in my dilemma and life, which is a big fat switch from what she usually does. 

Anyway, I'm very confused and horrified right now and in pain and overwhelmed and buried.  Mired.  I'm going to take a shower and do my hair and it will be better. 

I'll talk to her after I feel better and iron out what I can.  Help her make sense and keep moving, as always. 

Things are going to get better with my sibs, or much much worse.  Interesting to see which. 

[lighter]

I want to add that, my mother is only here because I recently smacked her around (figuratively) over her putting pressure on me to COME UP WITH THINGS FOR HER TO DO during her very short visit in town.  She typically comes to "pay bills" and makes demands on us socially, on her schedule, like we have nothing but aleivating her guilt to deal with.  And she makes damn sure she's guilt free when she leaves town.  Every time.   

I said "OH GEE MOM, I'll talk to the judge and see if I can't get him to move things along so you can help out on your schedule!" 

She said, "you don't need to be that way...... I'd better hang up."  She hung up. 


I usually let her off the hook.  Keep my mouth shut.  Pretend everythings just fine and she prances back out of town without a care...... feeling she's done her duty. 

I would have let her DO THAT this time had she not kept pressing and pressing for me to give her things to do to help BECAUSE SHE WASN'T GOING TO BE ABLE TO HELP after that week.  Over and over pressing that home.  She was going away so give her stuff to do to aleviate her guilt when she LEAVES AGAIN because whether I needed her or not she was leaving and she wanted to feel NO GUILT! 

I NEEDED HER THE PAST 6 MONTHS! 
Terribly! 
I told her I wasn't ok.  I couldn't keep my balls in the air with the children and everything going on.   

I needed help and she was vacationing! 

And bugging me with e mails and phone calls about how her heart was bleeding for me and she was praying for me while I was falling apart and I was failing and struggling ALONE!  I mostly ignored them.  Just like my siblings ignore them.

It was like she was reading one of those gossip rag magazines when she asked me what was going on in my life, in an excited tone!  I HATED TALKING TO HER ABOUT MY LIFE!

I snapped. Let's see what a self absorbed person does with that. 
I won't miss her if she goes.  I'm perfectly use to dealing with that reality.

What's been odd is having her around. 
It's been comforting in a way but we don't click and I find myself feeling like I have a ghost in the house I can't relate to.  She wants me to DO things that help myself.  She stops short of saying, "because I'll be gone next week."  hee

She's changed tack and talks about doctor appointments out of State that they NEED and had to wait a year for.   I can deal with that I thank GOD she's giving me something I can let her off the hook with easily and keep my mouth shut about when she goes THIS TIME! 

I wish my N had been healthy enough to PRETEND he wasn't so toxic it would be possible to continue to pretend he wasn't dangerouse and I could PRETEND and not go through all this.

 I WOULD HAVE!

 HE COULDN'T! 

HE'S THAT DANGEROUS!  I have to go and I don't have any CHOICES!

God, that reality sucks.  ::shaking head:: 

I'm going to take a shower. 

[Ami]

Dear Lighter,
   I hope that I can help you. I have just learned so much by allowing myself to be real. The board held me up when I was falling and now I am seeing out to the other side.
  One thing that I can see with you is that you took a "chance" on being honest. IMO, that is good. The really hard part for us, I think, is that we have lied to ourselves about our reality for a long time. I think that we had a God given denial mechanism kick in. If not, we may have died. However ,at some point , the denial  ,itself,becomes the problem.. Then , we have  made decisions based on denial ----- relationship ,kids etc . Denial is a faulty foundation to base a life on. One day, our life just fails. Then, we are in trouble. usually we do not even have the tools to help us get out.
   I think that you are in the first stage of digging yourself out of the 'Hole". You used a good tool----honesty.
  Your M  probably does not want you to use honesty,but you are trying to become whole and congruent, so you need to use honesty in order for you to be O.K.
   You sound scared,now, because you 'opened" the forbidden door(honesty) and now don't know what will happen.
   I understand totally. It is really ,really scary.
    Keep writing and get whatever support that you need( 3 -D)
    I will be here to help you as you all helped me. You may feel horrible ,but you are trying to restructure your life and is very, very hard. Keep going in the direction of honesty and I think that you(and I) will come out the other end      Love  Ami

[lighter]

I think I opened the door, Ami.... bc I couldn't take one more pressure.  Esp a selfish self satisfying one designed to make my mother feel good when I was already buried and couldn't take another shovel full of dirt to keep her "happy." 

That was that. 

I didn't really deny my feelings about all this.

I just never forced my Mother to look at it honestly.

I speak/spoke to friends and relatives, sibs about it. 

I'm just too overwhelmed to deal with MORE drama than I already have and, by GOD, here comes more drama!

BTW, I'm going to attorney's office to get things goin on divorce.

I'm feeling better and the crisis has passed.

I knew it would.

It always does and that makes it easier to move through the tough spots.

Thanks for responding ((Ami.))

[debkor]

Hey Light,

I'm glad you are feeling better.  I really want to say *something* something that can really help really make it easier on you but your right there is nothing but to push and fight your way through all this.  Sometimes it feels so damn lonely when other people can understand but not.  How do you understand if you never been there? How does someone help if they don't understand what's broken/wrong.  Which leaves us ultimately alone, right?  Wrong.  We on this board may not be able to be in your actual location but we do know where you are right now. How tired you are.  How pissed off you are.  How much longer it may take.

[debkor]

Well that was crazy.  I didn't just want to end the post but my fingers hit something on the key board and it sent off.

So the rest was this:

You sound very tired of doing for everyone.  Trying to keep yourself going, your kids, appease your mom  Where is someone for Lighter?  Your tired and angry as you should be. 

The only thing I can say from experience is it will get better.  There is some peace that is going to come to you. The most important person that will ever take care of you is you. 

I'm sorry lighter you sound like you had a very tuff day.

Love
Deb

[tayana]

Hey Lighter,

I wish I had something helpful to say, but I don't really.  I know what you're going through though, and I totally understand.  Hang in there.  ((((Lighter)))))

[Sela]

Hi Lighter:

That was a big step!  Good for you!!  You used your voice loud and clear!!

You usually keep your mouth shut?  (to pacify her, I bet?). This time you didn't do that!!

Good!

That's worth a compliment and a pat on the back and I'm sending you both!

Sela

[lighter]

Ami, Deb, Sela and tayana:

My mom went to the attorney's with me today. 

It's funny to be the one walking out of the office feeling OK about,

a)  Getting NO answers

b)  Understanding that none of the attorneys, N's or mine, understands what's going on, what's to be done with it or when anything can be attempted.  Rest assured it's gonna be at least 30 to 45 days though! 

Pretty standard stuff.  I wasn't surprised to hear it. 

Mom's "in shock" and upset that the attorney knows even less than he seemed to last week.  It all makes sense to me.  Par for the course.  I've reached acceptance. 

My attorney has labeled N.  A "HangerOnner"  This is an acceptable term I can glomb on to so that attorney can understand the confusion and craziness N creates.  Honestly, you wouldn't believe one N could create the amount of confusion he has for EVERY attorney involved and all the paralegals and calendar clerks and yes, even the Judge is so confused right now it's a tragic comeday bc our children are involved.  If there were no children, it would be JUST a comedy.

I'm pretty sure Mom's going to go fetal at bedtime tonight.  She's shocky and freezing cold.  Still functioning though so I have her working on some credit card issues for me.  Just clearing some things up and putting bows on solutions I found for myself. 

Final analysis about my little bout with honesty:

She told me she was "clueless" about the reality of our family.  She never understood anything and she asked me if there was "anything positive" in my life?  If I could see anything positive in my future?

 I said there was and I could. 

How absurd of her to ask that.  I wasn't fishing for sympathy.  I wanted her to understand the REALITY and cut me some slack isntead of adding to the pile of difficulties herself.  Maybe help every once in a while too, sure.

I was assertive and I feel Ok. 

About the legal visit:
The attorney wasn't as attracted to me today as he was on Friday, lol.  That means I have to work on "being feminine and less tense." As dicked with and understandably angry as I might be, I musn't come accross as a tense bitch in the courtroom.  The Judge sees those people every day and apparently he penalizes them for it.  I must be soft and have my hair down,  look open and sweet and defensless. 

I apologize if any of you vomit while reading this.  I'm struggling to keep my bison burger down as I write.

Although I can internalize this as an assignment to help me in the courtroom, it makes me feel icky and like I'm "dancing with the devil" yet again.  I suppose I am.  He aint a cheap date, either: / 

[Sela]

In regard to how you can stop your ex from influencing your children......you are defenseless.
Compared to what you might have been had you spent another 20 or so years with your ex.......you are soft and sweet at this point.
All you can do is let your hair down, relax and put your hopes in the judge so really.....
it's not all an act or a false face.
And whatever is necessary to present to the court for your children's and your own sake is as moral as it gets.
You're not going there to help him.

Sela

[lighter]

In regard to how you can stop your ex from influencing your children......you are defenseless.
Compared to what you might have been had you spent another 20 or so years with your ex.......you are soft and sweet at this point.
All you can do is let your hair down, relax and put your hopes in the judge so really.....
it's not all an act or a false face.
And whatever is necessary to present to the court for your children's and your own sake is as moral as it gets.
You're not going there to help him.

Sela

I understand that, Sela.  I'm making peace with the fact that what I look like and how I present myself in the courtroom will have just as much influence as what the actual facts are and whether I'm right or not... what's best for the children.

I go in and out of being OK with this.  It makes me want to make bittersnide jokes in every direction. 

The last thing I would believe I should do is make myself "as attractive as possible" in the courtroom bc "men like that." 

My instinct was to b who I really am, a Mama who cares more about her children than anything else in the world. 

Oh well.  ::sigh::

 What'cha think of this?  ::bouncing, shoulders back, tummy sucked in, high heels on: 

::shaking head::  I really want my Judge to care about my children.

[Stormchild]

((((((((((lighter))))))))))

[Sela]

Honestly?

I think you have to do what works.

Unfortunately.

In a perfect system, what you present would not matter but it's not a perfect system.

Sela

PS:  Use everything you've got and feel no guilt about it!!  You can be sure he will.

[lighter]

Reading the last part of your post made my stomach flip, Sela. 

I just hope I don't blow this. 

I can stand to lose, but not because of my own mistakes. 

[Ami]

I am so sorry for all the pain  that you are going through,Lighter.(((((((((((((Lighter)))))))))))))))
                                                                                                                   Love    Ami