Author Topic: Question  (Read 4703 times)

lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8639
Re: Question
« Reply #30 on: June 20, 2007, 09:07:16 PM »
Quote
2)  When the pain of staying becomes worse than the pain of leaving, then we go.

Lighter, this one really struck me.  I think this is where I am now.  I can't stay where I am anymore.  It's just costing me too much in happiness and strength.  And if I'm not happy, I can never expect my son to be happy.

Now, why my mother doesn't want me to be happy I don't know.  That's what she used to tell me, "I just want you to be happy."  Good thing I never believed her.



I'm at the point where I assume EVERYTHING my N says is the OPPOSITE of what he really means.  It's funny now but, it was crisis getting to that point. 

Please don't waste any more time trying to figure out why your mother doesn't want you to be happy.

 She only cares about sustaining her crazy made up reality.

 I honestly don't think she understands that she causes you unhappiness.  She's just in pain and desperate and you can't DO anything about that. 

You can't bleed enough or bow down enough or be good enough or bad enough or ANYTHING enough to make her feel better. 

  You can no longer afford to bite your tongue and pretend that elephant isn't standing on your toes. 
So you go and thank God bc you can't meet the needs of your son if you aren't getting your own needs met. 

Lupita

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2457
Re: Question
« Reply #31 on: June 21, 2007, 10:07:40 AM »
I am practicing. My mom is leaving this Sunday. Let us see how I feel after her dparture. That will show me how much I am improving.
She was good yesterday and today. But day before yesterday she really gave me a hrad time talking about her husband and trying to make me feel guilty becasue she came to help me and her husband was mad at her because of coming and leaving him twice for two weeks.
So, I got very mad and said ugly things to her. Besides than telling her that I did not ofrgive her for accusing me of flirting with her husband ten yeasr ago, I told her that he will finally leave her and she will end up her last years of her life totally alone. I was bad, but I was totally out of control, I felt I had been provoked. The next day I thought she was going to be mad. But she behaved like nothing happened.  So, I followed the game.
I feel ashamed of my self that I felt into her trap. But little by little I have to anticipate that the rape is coming and instead fo feeling victim will be aloof and take care of my self.
If you can remain me where are the threads or reading about how do you set bounderies, please, tell me.
God bless you.
Lupita

Lupita

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2457
Re: Question
« Reply #32 on: June 21, 2007, 10:13:05 AM »
I think that hwat happened is that I lowered my guard because she had been doing fine for several days. But I cannot be alert all the time.
I finish exhausted if I have to feel alert all the F@#$%  time.

The biggest projects depend on the success of the smallest components. One most approach every task as though it were great and noble. From washing the dishes after dinner, to taking care of a cell culture for the laboratory's boss. However, unexpected stimuli presented to the fovea can go undetected in some tasks, "inattentional blindness".Change detection depends critically on the expectancy of the observer. Under conditions of focused attention to a single item, change detection, even for an attended item, is influenced by the detail level to which the observers' attentional system has been set. Change detection in items that are fully attended depends, therefore, on the internal level-rediness of the observer. I would translate that as training. But, there is only a finite amount of energy, and it's impossible to pay close attention to everything, all of the time. One has to think of strategies and tactics

When the day is finished I feel  very tired, after being with my mother.


lighter

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8639
Re: Question
« Reply #33 on: June 21, 2007, 10:32:25 AM »
It's funny, I'm dealing with similar feelings about my mom this morning.  I woke up to her acting like nothing happened yesterday after we had words too.  

I didn't attack, outright but.... I attacked her denial and serenity.  Outright, yes I did do that.


Lupita:

Forgive yourself for losing control, adjust that helmet and rise above the struggle.  Look down from that distance and try to see it without emotion.

The pressure you're under is HUGE.   I'm half happy that you SPOKE and used your voice, half sad that your mother has the power to upset and anger you.  

About setting boundaries.... hmmmmm.

What would Sheriff Andy Taylor do?

How would he respond to crazy requests that he feel guilt over a mother's visit?  He'd be sad and he'd probably wonder why his mother was doing such a toxic hurtful thing to him.  He'd realize that she's doing her best, as awful as it is, and he'd try to forgive her and realize she can't do better than that.  He'd make peace with it and try to embrace anything good he could find in her.  

How would he respond to crazy accusations that he made sexual overtures to his father's wife?

I think he'd ask some very pointed questions, designed to lead the crazy person to the correct conclusions.
"Dad, I would never do such a thing, why would you say such a thing?"

wait for response

If the response is crazy, Andy wouldn't ruin his day and life over it.
 Crazy is crazy, we still have to live and get through our day.  
Andy still has his Aunt B and his son Opey and the support of his friends at the Barber shop and at his place of work.  
He still has his relationship with his girlfriend and he finds the humor in everything.

You have this board, if nothing else, we're here for you, Lupita.  We understand and you're doing a super job of navigating through this mind field of pain and understanding.  Confusion.  You're amazing.  Really.

Oh Lord, I'm rambling.  

The thing is, humans don't have any defense against stress.  WE HAVE TO CATCH IT AND STOP IT BEFORE IT GETS A HOLD ON US.  We can only control how we anticipate, deal with and move through stress and craziness.  Not if it's heading our way, just know that it is and learn how to cope with it and stop if from getting in.

I choose to mindfully accept what I can and can't control.  Yes, that's a process and I get better and better at it as I age and grow.  Yes, I do.

I choose to mindfully stop something from getting into my head and making me feel bad, if I can.  I still have to function during my day.  It doesn't help if I'm tied up in knots and I understand that.  

Functional people protect themselves.  

They draw a line in the sand, with regard to boundaries.  

They assert themselves and don't overreact.

They remove themselves when someone is treating them badly.  They get in the car or leave the room or go for a walk.  

They continue to take care of themselves and refuse to be sidetracked from that endeavor.  

They edit people from their lives if they can't behave appropriately.  It's Ok to withdraw with love from very hurtful people who would do us harm.

It's also OK to refile them in your heart and keep them, though at a distance and in a place that denies them our trust.  

Stop doing the things you've always done, that don't work.

Try new things.  

Require decent treatment.  "Mom, if you can't speak to me without yelling or accusing me of something I haven't done, then I can't have a conversation with you.' 'When you calm down and can speak to me calmly, we'll continue this chat."  

Leave the room.

Don't give them an audience AT ALL if they can't follow the rules.  They'll either GET IT or you allow them to experience the consequences of stepping on your boundarie.  YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH and protect the boundaries you do set.