It's funny, I'm dealing with similar feelings about my mom this morning. I woke up to her acting like nothing happened yesterday after we had words too.
I didn't attack, outright but.... I attacked her denial and serenity. Outright, yes I did do that.
Lupita:
Forgive yourself for losing control, adjust that helmet and rise above the struggle. Look down from that distance and try to see it without emotion.
The pressure you're under is HUGE. I'm half happy that you SPOKE and used your voice, half sad that your mother has the power to upset and anger you.
About setting boundaries.... hmmmmm.
What would Sheriff Andy Taylor do?
How would he respond to crazy requests that he feel guilt over a mother's visit? He'd be sad and he'd probably wonder why his mother was doing such a toxic hurtful thing to him. He'd realize that she's doing her best, as awful as it is, and he'd try to forgive her and realize she can't do better than that. He'd make peace with it and try to embrace anything good he could find in her.
How would he respond to crazy accusations that he made sexual overtures to his father's wife?
I think he'd ask some very pointed questions, designed to lead the crazy person to the correct conclusions.
"Dad, I would never do such a thing, why would you say such a thing?"
wait for response
If the response is crazy, Andy wouldn't ruin his day and life over it.
Crazy is crazy, we still have to live and get through our day.
Andy still has his Aunt B and his son Opey and the support of his friends at the Barber shop and at his place of work.
He still has his relationship with his girlfriend and he finds the humor in everything.
You have this board, if nothing else, we're here for you, Lupita. We understand and you're doing a super job of navigating through this mind field of pain and understanding. Confusion. You're amazing. Really.
Oh Lord, I'm rambling.
The thing is, humans don't have any defense against stress. WE HAVE TO CATCH IT AND STOP IT BEFORE IT GETS A HOLD ON US. We can only control how we anticipate, deal with and move through stress and craziness. Not if it's heading our way, just know that it is and learn how to cope with it and stop if from getting in.
I choose to mindfully accept what I can and can't control. Yes, that's a process and I get better and better at it as I age and grow. Yes, I do.
I choose to mindfully stop something from getting into my head and making me feel bad, if I can. I still have to function during my day. It doesn't help if I'm tied up in knots and I understand that.
Functional people protect themselves.
They draw a line in the sand, with regard to boundaries.
They assert themselves and don't overreact.
They remove themselves when someone is treating them badly. They get in the car or leave the room or go for a walk.
They continue to take care of themselves and refuse to be sidetracked from that endeavor.
They edit people from their lives if they can't behave appropriately. It's Ok to withdraw with love from very hurtful people who would do us harm.
It's also OK to refile them in your heart and keep them, though at a distance and in a place that denies them our trust.
Stop doing the things you've always done, that don't work.
Try new things.
Require decent treatment. "Mom, if you can't speak to me without yelling or accusing me of something I haven't done, then I can't have a conversation with you.' 'When you calm down and can speak to me calmly, we'll continue this chat."
Leave the room.
Don't give them an audience AT ALL if they can't follow the rules. They'll either GET IT or you allow them to experience the consequences of stepping on your boundarie. YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW THROUGH and protect the boundaries you do set.
