Dysfunction. A Term We Use To Describe An Accumulation Of Ungrieved Losses?

[teartracks]

Hi Friends,

So what do you think?  Is dysfunction a term we use to describe an accumulation of un-grieved losses?
Should we stop and grieve our losses  regularly, even the smallest ones, n the same way we should 'stop and smell the roses'?

tt

[Ami]

Dear TT,
  Thanks for all the sweet things" that you say on the posts,BTW.   I "live"in Lands End black , long silk underwear that people use for skiing.I go around the house in it and then sleep in it.
     I think that I can speak to this subject  of dysfunction  b/c I am going through it right now,
   I am shedding layers of distortions. Peck says that emotional problems start with a "lie" . We accept a lie or a distortion of reality in to our "subconscious" or conscious..                                                     . For me, I accepted ,at age 14, that my NPD mother was 'normal" and I was seeing it wrong.  My F lied to me and I "took it in  From then on, I laid a foundation for more and more lies.. Since I did not trust myself, I  was "open" to believe other  peoples lies. I had given away my internal "compass" or 'knower".So, after  many years and accumulating many,many distortions, I became 'mentally ill"or  in  a" deep hole."
   I ,personally, could not get myself out. Nothing worked such as therapy,support groups, reading, etc. I simply was "hanging on to my mental health by a thread b/c i did not trust anyone else to help me with it. I have been really "betrayed by therapists. It was  either that they valued my H over me b/c he had the finances or that ,in individual therapy, they did not want to let me go  b/c  I could pay the bill. Either way, the patient never knows the character or motivation of the person behind the desk. This is my opinion, only. I know that others have had  different results.
However, I started to heal when I "took" the scripture,"You shall know the truth and the truth shall make you free." Then , God started showing me that I did not need to be my M's garbage pail.
   My point is that  we got "sick" from lies. We will heal to the degree that we can face those lies.
 These last 5 days, I have felt horrible- physically and emotionally. Today, it seems better                      .Right now, no one is home and I needed that. My body was dizzy and wobbly. It was scary. Also, my body 'sensations" were weird. For example, I felt really "compressed and short like all my energy from my head was going to my stomach. I was afraid of this until I remembered acupuncture. During treatments, your energy would move around in really strange ways as it re adjusted itself. .
  I realized that when I faced these deep lies, my body energy changed.
   All of a sudden, I started getting hot flashes,too. I never had then before, I don;t know if these emotional changes brought them on.
 I saw many lies about my life. I think that I was 'holding' these lies in my body. When I faced the lies, my body "released" these energies.
 I will say that it would be hard to go through  this with out support.I even thought that I should go to the emergency room You, on the board, held me up. Maria helped ,too. She has been betrayed by her family as we have so she understands.
  I think that "dysfunction happens for a simple reason-- lies. So, it should heal when we face and uncover the lies.
  MY next"journey "is in to the scripture,"Perfect Love Casts out Fear." I have a lot of fear. Love  Amii

[CB123]

TT,

I think you are exactly right. 

I dont know for sure if grieving is all we need to do to get rid of dysfunction---but I do think that unacknowledged grief is what is behind it.  The problem is, by the time we realize this, we may have built-in reactions to life that we don't even realize.  Those reactions can become habits that are not longer only just the result of grief, but also the source of further grief. 

I think that's the thing that's hard to unravel.  I am to the point where I am much more aware of what is wounding me.  I'm just not always aware of where I am contributing to it by my own protective behavior.

Love
CB

[lighter]

::Licking pencil and adding to list of things to teach my children::

*Stop to smell the roses often and unabashidly

*Grieve every loss, however small, along the way

*DANCE!  Oh, scratch that one.  It's already there. 

[tayana]

I think grieving is a part of it, but I also think to get rid of dysfunction and be more healthy we have to learn to live and love living.

Adding to Lighter's list:

* Live everyday as if it's your last, concentrate on the important things not the little trivial things.  Housework and appearances aren't nearly as important as missed opportunities and moments.

[lighter]

* Live everyday as if it's your last, concentrate on the important things not the little trivial things.  Housework and appearances aren't nearly as important as missed opportunities and moments.

Part of my journey is to enjoy the little trivial things, not just the big important things.  I want to mindfully honor my household Gods when I do bend my mind to housework.  I want to enjoy the feeling of a clean floor that feels "Farmhouse Grandma" clean under my feet. 

I don't want the big important things to sidetrack me from enjoying the little things, because living in that little moment fully, is what I believe makes life rich.... gives it true clarity.

Tayana, I also understand that I don't want little problems to sidetrack me from the big picture and keeping my eye on the ball.  I think that's what you're saying, but it lead me to think about what I posted above too.  Thanks for the inspiration; ) 

How ya feeling?

[isittoolate]

tt

In my last post about Therapy, now on page 2, the term Dysregulation is used for SRT (Self Regulation Therapy)

It appears to be what I need and the therapist said she would start small and recent,  and deal with the 5 falls I had regarding low potassium and weakness.

Then she will go back to the car crash, as that is the biggie

Read it and you might see how when I didn't have a chance to shake the big one, there was no healing, grieving and I lost a lot from that car crash.

Love
Izzy

[Ami]

I wanted to share something really BIG that happened to me,today. i was going to start a new thread,but it seems like it could go under here,for now.
    Today, I called my M's sister. Her sister was everything that I dreamed of in a mother----kind, wise, sweet,loving etc. I wanted ,more than anything for her to love me and take me under her wing. , W hen she didn't I got angry at her and held a grudge for many years. However,it was  b/c I just loved and admired her so much and was just so hurt.
   I always wanted to call her ,but I didn't . I didn't b/c I needed her to love me too much . I thought that if she was rude , I would be too decimated and rejected to handle it. Today, I realized that I could"live' and be O.K.,even if she was not "nice' to me.
  I called and she was so loving . Her voice and her tone were as beautiful as I remembered as a child.  I would WISH that I could stay at her house ,forever.  When I called up and said her name, she knew who I was instantly and love just poured forth out of her. I started crying. I couldn't help it. It felt so good to have any kind of family relationship. She seemed to understand and it did not feel weird(to be crying for no reason).
   Well, It was so wonderful to be connected to such a gracious and lovely lady as my aunt. It filled was a  tremendously healing.
  What pertained to this thread was that my aunt is really honest about her emotions. She does not have to be "perfect".. She is able to be '"real" and you can be real with her. She seems to be an emotionally healthy person . My point in writing this in this thread is that I think that you have to  be honest with yourself in order to be healthy. Then , you can decide what to share with others. However, the main honesty has to be within you   about your deepest feelings and thoughts.                                       Love  Ami
I wanted to add something. My Aunt never knew what my M was like behind closed doors. I told her a little bit. I could 'tell' that she did not really 'want" to know, so I let it drop. However, what surprised me was that she really had no idea how bad my mother was to her children.  My Aunt was the only one who ever stood up to my M.

[isittoolate]

How wonderful, Ami

Good on you for picking up the phone.
love
Izzy

[lighter]

(((AMI))))

I love the fact that you're reaching out to this maternal loving spirit!  This is what healing is all about.

Giving up hope that your mother will ever be the kind nururing spirit you deserved then bending your mind to building other support systems that provide it for you!

Of course!  Your Aunt comes to mind and I'm so happy that you've reconnected.  I hope you can continue to share your truth with her and let her love you exactly as you truly are. 

If anyone can understand your mother, she surely can?  I hope?

This is such an uplifting start on this journey you're on.  You have so much going for you Ami. 

I wish you peace and continued healing.

Thanks for sharing that on this thread.  I'm so glad you did!

[isittoolate]

Hi Friends,

So what do you think?  Is dysfunction a term we use to describe an accumulation of un-grieved losses?
Should we stop and grieve our losses  regularly, even the smallest ones, n the same way we should 'stop and smell the roses'?

tt

Hi folks: back to our regularly scheduled program.

TT did you---In my last post about Therapy, now on page 2, the term Dysregulation is used for SRT (Self Regulation Therapy)
--read it and are you meaning the same thing?

Izzy

[Stormchild]

Hi Friends,

So what do you think?  Is dysfunction a term we use to describe an accumulation of un-grieved losses?
Should we stop and grieve our losses  regularly, even the smallest ones, n the same way we should 'stop and smell the roses'?

tt

Hi tracks

I think of dysfunction as a 'kink' in the way someone's head or heart works. For instance... a mother like Tayana's, who smothers and isolates Tayana's son, then snipes at Tayana for moving because that will mean her son leaves his [nonexistent, because grandma never lets the kid get out to meet any] friends.

Or... a gaslighting alcoholic husband who somehow manages to break kitchen drawers and closet doors when he is on a bender, and then accuses his wife of doing it, while he's hung over afterwards.

Or... a battered wife who leaves and then returns to her batterer... who has broken her nose, her wrist, and several ribs...  because she doesn't want him to be lonely.

There may be ungrieved losses buried deeply beneath these behaviors, and I can certainly see 'fear of loss' driving all of them... but it's not a fear of loss of love. It's a fear of loss of the ability for the abuser to control his or her target; except in the case of the battered wife, where returning to the batterer usually IS driven by fear of loss. But that fear is dysfunctional too... it makes little sense to be more afraid of losing one's marriage than of losing one's life at the hands of one's spouse.

I also think that once things are as bad as they are in these examples, the behavior itself has become self-perpetuating.

Speaking from my own experience, my reaction to ungrieved losses is much simpler: profound and massive depression. As I have identified the losses, acknowledged them, grieved them and placed them in perspective, that depression has lifted.

I've can't recall that I ever felt an urge to gaslight anyone or hit them in the face as a way of alleviating my own sorrows... anger, sometimes, yes, there've been times I'd have loved to clean a few clocks when I'm being abused and I know it; but that's never appealed to me as a tonic for grief.

[axa]

What an interesting topic.

I think of myself many years ago.  As a child I seemed to be crying all the time.  My Nmom used to call me "sore eyes" one of her many terms of"affection" for me.  I recall hiding as a child and telling myself over and over again "I will feel nothing" like a mantra.  When I felt loss, as time went on, I did not grieve but added another layer of defense and anger.  I internalized so much of that anger, never felt a need to abuse others either, which in turn resulted in years of depression.

Giving myself permission to grieve seems like a huge hurdle to over come.  When I had significant losses, deaths, I would "pick myself up" and take care of others.  I was afraid that my grieve would be so overwhelming it would upset others and of course I could not do that.  I have grieve so much in my therapy over the years and this is what I know has released me from my depression.  Seeing the small stuff has been a big release for me also. 

axa

[Hopalong]

Izz, hon...
That accident was the equator of your life, I know.

There's Izzy B.A. and Izzy A.A. (so to speak...)

I think your therapist is doing wise work with you.

You awe me.

Hops

[teartracks]

Storm

Speaking from my own experience, my reaction to ungrieved losses is much simpler: profound and massive depression. As I have identified the losses, acknowledged them, grieved them and placed them in perspective, that depression has lifted.

I see your point.  I guess I was using 'dysfunction' as a catch all phrase?   I'm still trying to clarify the question in my mind.  Searching for one more pixel in the big picture of life.  Everytime I find one more pixel in my own, it gives me greater understanding of others, and maybe even a little more tolerance.  Not sure that tolerating more of the Nsane is a good thing, but I'm working on it!


axa,

Giving myself permission to grieve seems like a huge hurdle to over come.  When I had significant losses, deaths, I would "pick myself up" and take care of others.  I was afraid that my grieve would be so overwhelming it would upset others and of course I could not do that.  I have grieve so much in my therapy over the years and this is what I know has released me from my depression.  Seeing the small stuff has been a big release for me also. 

I can feel a sigh in you as you put this to cyber ink, axa.  I guess along with smelling the roses, we must also grieve the losses to stay healthy.

tt