I just wanted to say....

[lighter]

I just wanted to drive home the fact that I am consistently amazed at the intelligence and humor I find from every member of this board. 

I love the word "amazed"
because I'm constantly just that. 

I'm also amazed at some of the similarities between members posting here.  Character strengths and weaknesses, and the like. 

This is a wondeful source of information and inspriation.

Everyone posting has brought the word "hero" to my mind, at least once. 

[Overcomer]

LIGHTER-  It is true isnt it?  I get more real advice here than I got at the latest T.  He did not understand N but we all do and that moral support by someone who has lived in your shoes is invaluable!  Thanks to you all!

[lighter]

Everyone posting has brought the word "hero" to my mind, at least once. 

Correction:

I meant to say "every POSTER has brought the word "hero" to my mind, at least once.

S+S and Overcomer:

It's not just getting stellar advice and seeing how certain things worked out and didn't in similar situations, that is most helpful here. 

It's not having to explain what we're dealing with.  People here understand and you can go straight into the facts without people doubting you and suspecting maybe you're a bit daft for saying such improbable things. 

No one understands this IRL.  They don't see the power and comfort to be had here.  This might as well be a video game, from where they're standing.   

From where I'm standing, this is the only safe haven I have till I can build my own.  And I'm gaining the tools to do just that: )

[tayana]

Lighter,

I love the advice I get from this board.  You are all so wonderful, although I cannot ever think of myself as any sort of "hero" or "inspiration." 

[Ami]

Dear Lighter,
   I have never been  where  there is so much intelligence and insight  in one place as is on the board.
                                                                                                                     Love   Ami .

[lighter]

Tayana:

You're an inspiration bc you're overcoming what I think may be the deepest soul wound one can receive.  An N parent and you've never escaped her, ever, before this amazing show of strength and follow through. 

You're DOING that and please believe me when I tell you I've feared for you, sat on the edge of my seat for you and been unsure of your ability to accomplish what you've DONE! 

You are amazing (love that word) and if anyone's a hero, it's you. 

As a mother. 

As an overcomer of difficult traumatic sabotaging work on your mother's part to cripple your financial and emotional stability.

Forgive her, she knows not what she does.
 Do better.
 Move past her and create new support systems with people who build you up.   

 I'll tell ya, you're friggin unbelievable and you've made it look seriously do'able for all that come after you, to this board. 

Hero?  Yup yup yup.

Ami:

I believe tayana's struggles speak to you right now?

You're struggle is a little different but it's the same wounded child's wound, delivered from an N parent who couldn't do any better. 

you're at a different stage with more moving parts and the addition of another N but..... 

You're still moving forward and reaching out for new supports and giving up hoping for things that aren't ever going to be real. 

Who posted about one hand full of something real being better than 2 hands full of something that isn't real? 

Loved it!  Makes sense and it should help you focus on where you are and where you're going. 

Ami... tayana.... everyone's a hero here. 

I see that. 

Can't you?

[tayana]

Lighter, that made me teary eyed.  Thank you.

I went and bought some things for my new home at lunch today, and I thought, this is going to be so amazing.

Forgive her, she knows not what she does.
 Do better.
 Move past her and create new support systems with people who build you up.   

I can't forgive her, not yet.  I'm still too angry to forgive.  I can move on and start my single parents group and meet new people, but no, I'm not ready to forgive.

[lighter]

Lighter, that made me teary eyed.  Thank you.

I went and bought some things for my new home at lunch today, and I thought, this is going to be so amazing.

Forgive her, she knows not what she does.
 Do better.
 Move past her and create new support systems with people who build you up.   

I can't forgive her, not yet.  I'm still too angry to forgive.  I can move on and start my single parents group and meet new people, but no, I'm not ready to forgive.

Listen, that anger is helping you define yourself and providing the energy you need to carry you through this crisis.

Embrace it.

You need it right now, it's useful to you.

About the new purchases.  I'm so glad you can turn your attention to the nice things going on around you, despite the pain and the turmoil.

That's part of winning the battle, IMO.  Being able to enjoy the enjoyable while the N's rage around you.

About forgiving,



at some point.

I'll share with you what a loved one passed on to me years ago. 

You won't forgive her..... to help her. 

When you forgive her, you'll do it for you.

It helped to realize that the person I was forgiving was doing his best. 

If he could do better, he would have. 

He couldn't and I could then forgive him and it did make me feel better. 

That ghost stopped tap tap tapping me on the shoulder. 

I wish the same for you, when the time comes. 

[tayana]

Lighter, I think I'll get there someday. Maybe when I've had some distance, and I see that I made the best decision I could.  I just can't do any forgiving while it's all so raw. 

I managed to forgive the man who walked out on me when I was pregnant.  We even talk a little now.  But that hurt wasn't as deep as the one my mother put there.

So, we'll see.  Right now though, I want to be angry.

[lighter]

<picturing tayana yelling>  "I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna forgive ya right now!"

Sounds normal to me and.....

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't in that very same boat with my N right now. 

I'll use the anger and I'll forgive when I have the grace to do so. 

Right now, it's all about survival. 

For both of us, I think.

[tayana]

Definitely.

((((((Lighter)))))))

[lighter]

(((tayana)))  As I virtually hugged you I got a chill.  I pictured myself in your mother's house, just for a second, with you.

I want you out of there so bad.  NOW.  You'll be so much happier when you're out of her toxic orbit and embracing a new life. 

I guess I really identify with where you are in your struggl, huh, lol? 

I'm standing in your corner, tayana.

[Hopalong]

Me too, Tay.

Grrrrr. Mother tiger, you.

When I hear your dialogues with her I always want to extricate you...have you presenting VERBAL boundaries that deflect her, say No to her, say I'll get back to you, etc. She is a bulldozer.

Assertiveness training really would help you deal with her over time. You'd just have a whole new powerful (but calm) muscle at the ready.

love
Hops

[tayana]

Thanks Lighter.  I really appreciate all the support here.  I have to wonder if I would have been able to do this without this board.

Hops, I think assertiveness training will be something I look into when I get settled again.  She is a bulldozer, and I find myself cringing when she starts her crazy-making behavior.  It's like a little switch goes off in my head, and I just can't stand up to her.  I hate that.

I'm reading Dan Neuharth's "If You Had Controlling Parents,"  and there was a list of Post Traumatic Stress Symptoms, I had almost every symptom on the list.  I was just stunned.  I never thought that I might suffer from Post Traumatic Stress.  I figure it's going to take weeks before I can completely relax in my new home.  I've been hypervigilant about what I do on the computer, what movies I watch, books I read, etc for so long, it's going to take forever to get out of that habit.

[Hopalong]

That's great, Tay...that you'll do it.
They've been advertising Assertiveness Training at the women's center in my town...wish I could transport you here!

It WILL teach you how to stand up to her...without stress.

You will be delighted at how it works. They teach very specific techniques. They don't try to change you from an introvert into an extrovert, and they don't urge yelling confrontation or anything like that. Just "magic words" and new ways of delivering them (like the Broken Record, and other techniques).

I'm so sorry you feel PTSDish...but I understand the depression and numbness on top of hypertwitchiness you can get around an Nmother...and mine wasn't as mean as yours.

SO happy for you...what day is the move?

Hops