Narcissist Info (continued) YOU ARE AN OBJECT

[reallyME]

Some narcissists know nothing about people in their immediate family, yet others are "doting Narcissists" who tend to use their children as "dolls" that represent THEM.  These live through their child in order to puff themselves up.  These types, will often get their children's hair and nails done, or enroll their children in dramatics class, etc.  Anything to make the Narcissist look GOOOOOOOOOOD.

As you might watch a child petting a puppy and then next moment, hitting it with a stick showing no remorse nor feelings, so is the Narcissist!  They can treat people horridly and not care or show remorse about it or sorrow.  They never outgrew the childish stage of lacking empathy, so they can abuse you without feeling anything that you feel and not caring.

This sort of lack of empathy and inability of "putting yourself in their shoes" feels CHILLING.  Very scary to know that a person you are with, can hurt you and feel NOTHING!

[gratitude28]

Wow Laura,

You just made me realize something... while my mother is the type that knows nothing about me (or anyone really, she has made up ideas), her sister, my aunt, was the type that forced my cousin to go to every kind of class and show off constantly. I have been trying to figure the aunt out for a while. And it's funny... my mother and her sister are rivals in everything (their making).

I really think my parents families are just beyond f***ed up and without some self examination, which I don't believe will ever happen, they have just managed to repeat all of the same patterns.

Thanks again.
Love, Beth

[Ami]

Thank you, Laura. My M was like that with me. Our one activity ,together, was  going to the mall. I was her "doll". I thought that this meant that she "loved" me. I see that it was part of the whole sickness                            These posts are great, It is better in "little bits" b/c it is too overwhelming all in one shot    Love  Ami

[tayana]

Laura,

My nmom is like this.  She lives through other people, not for herself.  She has no hobbies, instead, she concentrates on everyone else's hobbies.  Everything is about appearances.  When someone comes to visit, no matter how familiar, she acts like the pope is coming and we have to scrub and clean and kill ourself to make the house perfect.

She'll treat people like dirt one minute, and the next, she'll be out buying something for that same person to make up for it.  Not once does she apologize for the hurt.

[reallyME]

I am really glad these posts are helping explain the behavior of narcissistic people.  Please keep in mind that, even if your parents or friends exhibit some of the traits and are not full-blown narcissists, someone STILL BELIEVES YOU ABOUT WHAT THEY DO!

My whole point in posting this info, is because I TOO went through relationships with these sorts of folks, wasn't believed by others when I told my story, and felt the pain of being INVALIDATED by the very people I really believed would support me and help me deal with the narcissists in my life.

I thank you all for taking the time to read my posts.  I purposely kept them rather small, because I tend to want to read posts, but if they are too large I will skip over them.

There will be more to come as I'm able to type em out.  I now have a more normal work schedule with the concessions trailer.  I'm also entering into a new venture, sharing Goji Juice.

[lighter]

Reallyme......


Thanks for taking the time to do that, glad your schedules better so you can. 

I know about that frustration of being doubted by those closest to you.

Good luck with the new business.

[Hopalong]

Thanks, Laura...these have been great chunky nuggets.

I wanted to ask if you're familiar with the SCORE program? It's Service Corps of Retired Executives, a program run by the SBA (Small Business Administration).

You have SUCH a work ethic and you are so very smart. I've found these people to be an amazing resource.

Hops

[SilverLining]

Some narcissists know nothing about people in their immediate family, yet others are "doting Narcissists" who tend to use their children as "dolls" that represent THEM.  These live through their child in order to puff themselves up.  These types, will often get their children's hair and nails done, or enroll their children in dramatics class, etc.  Anything to make the Narcissist look GOOOOOOOOOOD.

It's a great observation.   And then if the victims in this situation start making any noise about the lack of real substance in the relationship, the N will respond as if the victim is an ingrate: "how can you object when I have done so much FOR YOU?"


It took me until into my 40's to start seeing this dynamic from my own past.   As long as I and my sibling were good little self extensions for my parents, they treated us just fine. 
 

[tayana]

It took me until into my 40's to start seeing this dynamic from my own past.   As long as I and my sibling were good little self extensions for my parents, they treated us just fine. 

Exactly, and if you do anything to upset the applecart, so to speak, they treat you like a criminal.

[changing]

So true! Both of my divorced parents abandoned me at a very young age, in order to pursue their own interests. I lived in foster care, and they each pretended to others that they didn't have children. As they grew older, they became involved in the lives of nieces, step-grandchildren, etc. It's easy to look good by giving attention to someone else's child- there isn't any glory in taking care of one's own children unless a grand display is made, which means that the child is not really being cared for at all.
I am now married to an N (naturally), who won't work, threatens to kill me, spends huge amounts of $, etc. I am very grateful for this board...

[Hopalong]

Changing, welcome.
What a horrible abandonment.
I hope your foster care situation wasn't too awful...

And so very sorry you married an N. As you can tell from this board, though, there's no shame in that mistake. We were all groomed to make the wrong choices...at first.

I'm glad you're here for support.
You're sure not getting it from your spouse.

Start a thread whenever you'd like and share your story.
We'll hear you.

Hopalong

[Overcomer as guest]

I was talking to a Doc who told me that it is so common to marry someone similar to your parents.  When we grow up with codependent tendancies, it just makes sense that we find someone to be codependent with.  Not that our parents or spouses were naturally alcoholics, but had some addiction which we had counter.  No one who was raised dysfunctional automatically picks functional people.  We are magnets for dysfunction.  It's too bad for us.

Changing.  Your name reminds me of an old David Bowie song which I just loved in high school - Changes......I can hear it in my head right now!!!!

Welcome to our board.  We are here for you so vent and talk and listen away!!  I would estimate we have several decades of experience under our belt as well being in different places in our recovery!

Keep posting!

[gratitude28]

Hi Changing and Welcome!!!!!!
Can I infer from your name that you are getting to the point of wanting to be away from these horrible people? Have you made any plans regarding your husband? It sounds like a scary situation and you should be thinking of protecting yourself and any children you have.
So glad you are here and there are many to give you advice to start making more changes.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Changing))))))))))))))))
Love, Beth

[Ami]

Welcome Changing,
     I am so very glad that you are here.      Love and a Big Hug    Ami

[axa]

Really Me,

I was so aware of being nothing other than an object to XN.  How about this, he could not understand how I could order food he did not like!!!!!! My mantra to him was "I am a seperate person with my own likes and dislikes"  could never get it.  He did not like cheese and would get angry with me for buying it.  Why, real simple, he did not eat cheese!!

Welcome changing,  great to see you are making a move by coming to this board,.

axa