on the threshold of giving up

[towrite]

I'm so exhausted. I regret -

1.not taking the job with Merrill Lynch despite daddy's forbiddance;
2.not somehow finding a way to fill out the parental paperwork to accept the National Merit Scholarship after daddy refused
3.getting into education
4.not exploring another career more suited to my temperament and talents, one I could have stayed with and built a solid profession – but I had no guidance to do that
5.staying in Atlanta too long – 21 years – I hated it
6.ever getting involved with MKM – and staying too long; it was damaging to me and has taken years to recover
7.moving to Louisville
8.moving to P.I.
9.joining that “cult” church
10.not getting my book published
11.not being able to improve my play

There's more, but I can't list them all.

I am exhausted. I'm 62 years old and I have failed at everything I've tried. I tried to conform to the only choices I felt were open to me to please other people and b/c I had no other ideas) and they only made me miserable. They were made in desperation, without a clue as to what I wanted or was suited for, and under terrible parental pressure to become acceptable. I'm paying the price now.

I don't feel I have any option but suicide. I used to care that it would kill mother. Maybe it will, but that just is not a big concern for me now.

I feel completely beaten, my self-confidence is so low that I believe I cannot present myself in the best light to apply for a job even if I were offered the opportunity. I have no energy; every time I go to the real estate office I am reduced almost to tears by the humiliation that I, alone, among the group of people who started with me there, have sold nothing, listed nothing.

The biggest blows in my life have been -

1.not being able to pursue any legal action against that attorney, after what he did;
2.the cruelty with which MKM treated me
3.the love of my life turning out to be truly insane
4.losing my equity in the Louisville house

My tendency to stay too long has damaged me and my life. I feel I am staying now too long in real estate. Every thing I try comes to naught. I just feel like the time has come to call it quits. It's a calming thought. Esp. with my money running out...

[dandylife]

towrite,
I don't have any wise advice or anything to say except please let this feeling pass. It will. Hopelessness overtakes us all at times. Please don't let yourself get washed away under this wave. Allow yourself time to let some of the seeds of success you've planted come to fruition.

Dandylife

[Hopalong]

((((((((((((((((((ToWrite))))))))))))))))))))

Please don't give up.
Please remember that you can dramatically downsize without starving,
and maybe discover new joys in the process.

It's okay to change things in your 60s.
You're not washed up at all.

Look at the post you just wrote offering someone else such valuable guidance.

Please tap back into the free child...she's in there. What does she want to do
that has nothing to do with social emblems of "success". Always, always put
"success" in quotation marks.

You have decades ahead that can include your greatest flowering.
A mansion on the Ohio? Maybe not.

You are not a house. Maybe real estate isn't for you!

When I lived in KY I had free housing, a tiny place on a mountainside in Buckhorn,
an orphanage for emotionally disturbed children. It was miles into Appalachia.
Do you know about Berea College? Things like that?

Maybe you need some time in a retreat community, where you can simply work
on gardens or with animals. Farm Sanctuaries are always looking for live-in
volunteers.

I think you've earned some healing. But please don't give up. That would be
allowing the N worldview to be "right". And you know it's not.

Keep writing, write it through and CALL SOMEONE and tell them how you're
feeling, okay? Please come back and tell us how you are, 10 times a day.

with love and strength to you,
Hops

[lighter]

Ahhhh. ((((((towrite!))))))

I was feeling so scattered and low and got so excited to see you posting!

My heart breaks to read you're feeling so low.

If you just sit with those feelings, and do nothing, you'll be OK.

They will pass.  They always do.

I miss you on the boards and I'm so glad you're posting again, even if it's to post your pain and grief.  

These are things you need to express and mourn and cry about, rant rave and get sad about.  

Then you move through and beyond that pain.

Thast's the process of growing and finding better ways.  

Life is short.  

It won't last forever.  

You're smart and learning...... growing.

These painful lessons are going to be the reason you get stronger and grow deeper......wiser.

Please just sit with those feelings and do nothing about them.  

We all get to feeling that badly at times, it passes.

You are entitled to feel sad and at a loss for what to do next.  It's OK, and it'll be OK.

Keep posting and allow yourself to feel all this pain.  

The only way out is through it and I promise you'll be glad to be alive again soon if you just keep hanging on.

(((((towrite))))))

I can't remember if you're on anti depressants but you may need something, maybe even a little ativan to help get you back to feeling a little more normal?

[tayana]

((((((towrite))))))))

I can't offer any advice, right now, all I can do is say that I understand.  The feelings do pass eventually.

[James73]

hey towrite, dont give in and dont regret the things youve done as its taken you to the path you are now on, you now know yourself truly like never before and thats something around 50% - 60% of the world population will never have - clarity of ones self. I dont regret and in fact wouldnt change anything thats happened to me, good or bad. In fact I think all the bad things that have happened to me are great as theyve helped me know myself utterly and provide me with unlimited motivation and Im now a very strong person and I want to use that strength and knowledge to acheive my potential rather than mooch along as I used to, and to also bring some happiness and knowledge to others lives if possible. Life is to short for regrets, live in the now not in the then.
Be strong and look forward
James

[Ami]

Dear towrite.
   Your feelings of worthlessness are LIES. You feeling that you will never be o.K. or feel better are LIES. It is not who you are. It is only old N ideas. or crazy ideas that you picked up from society
  I have felt worthless since age 14. It is a lie,just like your feelings are a lie.
   Your value is an "inherent" quality in you as a person given by God. Don't let N thoughts rob you of the ability to feel good. You can and will feel good.
   I  have been there. I think most people writing to you have been there. Give us a chance to listen and help pick you up .
 One day, you will help someone else with just this situation. You will say that you were so low and you wanted to give  up--- But you didn't.
   Please keep writing. I will be waiting to help every step of the way out   Love  Ami

[towrite]

I wish I could say all the words help - the truth is they don't. But your being there does help. And the fact that you aren't judging me or shunning me b/c I feel so bad about myself. Yes, "lighter", I do take Zoloft - 200 mgs a day.

I've also recently had foot surgery and can't get out to my favorite healing pasttime - gardening. The same old tape keeps playing over and over - "It doesn't matter."

Kate

[lighter]

Well they don't call it depression for nothing.

Moving out of the place you're in, always seems impossible to me, when I'm there.

As many times as I've moved through debilitating crippling not brushing me teeth for 3 days or changing my clothes depression... I can say that I've grown to accept the feelings and gut it out till it gets better.

It always feels unmanagable and impossible to move through, yet I do move through and I find I'm happy to be alive and in my garden again.  Happy to feel the sun on my face and amazed  bc I honestly couldn't see how I'd ever feel better again. 

I'll just sit here with you and let you feel badly.... maybe bring  you a few gardening magazines while your foot heals... or a good book to help you find a respite from the haunting, if just for a bit. 

You'll be out in your garden again soon (((towrite)))   

[Ami]

Dear to write,
   Being sick is the "worst" thing for triggering depression. You feel like you will never get better and never feel good. I have been there many times.
   I think that the "sicknesss"  or foot surgery   pushed you over the edge. It IS depressing to be hurting. It is depressing not to be able to do your favorite 'releases"
  For me , I love to exercise. It would  be very depressing for me if I could not
  I think that it is a matter of ,"In the meantime, it is a mean time" I think that it is that simple.
   You are hurting really, really badly. You feel like your whole life was a waste and that you are a "loser"
   I understand. I have been there and can get there very easily. Just get through this ONE day.
  Tomorrow, talk to us again( or later ,today)
  It is a 'One day at a time "  situation. Let us help you through it ---                  Love  Ami..

[Overcomer]

to:  YES how many of up have lied in bed wallowing in the less than perfect aspects of life-but I am one who thinks if you pray to God to give you peace that He will and just when you think it could not get any worse, something great happens!

[James]

towrite, I hear you, words mean nothing when you are in the place your in. Just take each day at a time and take steps no matter how small to make yourself feel happier and comforted, your mind is healing itself and you will come out to the other side slowly but surely. My thoughts are with you
James

[Hide]

To ToWrite (How ironic  )

I've just read your post and I have to say, I know exactly how you feel. That feeling of hopelessness and despair. It's heavy. I'm going through something similar to your plight but not so much as severe. I'm still rather young to question my life's path. Maybe it's just time that makes us questions the roads we take, that how we chose to live our life in this time was somewhat ambiguous. But it is important that we maintain our hope above all else in this time. I noticed your age and I must say, that it is irrelevant with your problem. Age is not a determining factor in a better life. I know that your experiences have left you with regret but its time to move on. The more we dwell on our regrets, the deeper we are submerged into despair. You must close your eyes to the past and move on toward the future. And if you do go back to the past, look for good memories. They are always there. Whether it was the shortest, most briefest time, it was there. Never ever think that you are done with your life, that you are at your wit's end. At the age of 62, you still have quite a time to live and quite a lot of activites to do. You are never alone as long as you are on this board. This is where your silent voice is heard. This is where you will recover because we are all with you. All these posts before me have shown you kindness and love, something everyone needs. So I hope you find comfort in my words and find the strenght within to get up and say "I still have yet to live my life out. Let me go do something." One's life never ends, even after death. We continue to live in spirit and in memory.
                                                                                          Love, Hide.

[lighter]

S&S.... I loved your post.

Thanks for your honesty, I hope it helped towrite gain some hope. 

[WRITE]

I'm 62 years old and I have failed at everything I've tried

look how much you've tried, towrite. What is failure- not trying at all.

Get support and help to get you through this time, and do not despair, there are a few of us who have been in this place and overwhelmed and ready to give up, and now are thankful they hung on.

You are in my heart and prayers tonight.

Things will get better.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

~Write