I'm so exhausted. I regret -
1.not taking the job with Merrill Lynch despite daddy's forbiddance;
2.not somehow finding a way to fill out the parental paperwork to accept the National Merit Scholarship after daddy refused
3.getting into education
4.not exploring another career more suited to my temperament and talents, one I could have stayed with and built a solid profession – but I had no guidance to do that
5.staying in Atlanta too long – 21 years – I hated it
6.ever getting involved with MKM – and staying too long; it was damaging to me and has taken years to recover
7.moving to Louisville
8.moving to P.I.
9.joining that “cult” church
10.not getting my book published
11.not being able to improve my play
There's more, but I can't list them all.
I am exhausted. I'm 62 years old and I have failed at everything I've tried. I tried to conform to the only choices I felt were open to me to please other people and b/c I had no other ideas) and they only made me miserable. They were made in desperation, without a clue as to what I wanted or was suited for, and under terrible parental pressure to become acceptable. I'm paying the price now.
I don't feel I have any option but suicide. I used to care that it would kill mother. Maybe it will, but that just is not a big concern for me now.
I feel completely beaten, my self-confidence is so low that I believe I cannot present myself in the best light to apply for a job even if I were offered the opportunity. I have no energy; every time I go to the real estate office I am reduced almost to tears by the humiliation that I, alone, among the group of people who started with me there, have sold nothing, listed nothing.
The biggest blows in my life have been -
1.not being able to pursue any legal action against that attorney, after what he did;
2.the cruelty with which MKM treated me
3.the love of my life turning out to be truly insane
4.losing my equity in the Louisville house
My tendency to stay too long has damaged me and my life. I feel I am staying now too long in real estate. Every thing I try comes to naught. I just feel like the time has come to call it quits. It's a calming thought. Esp. with my money running out...