Red, you are doing great. one step at a time. don't allow your N daughter to push your buttons. You know how good they are at doing that. my experience with my xN has been, if they can't get positive attention, they will settle for negative attention. he has always shown me that when my plate was full, and i would be busy with"things," that would be the time he would start up with something to get my attention, push my buttons. make me focus on him.
Your daughter knows you are grieving, and sad, she just wants any kind of attention she can get from you. i would do as you are doing, be kind to her, loving to her, but not allow her to give you more heartaches right now. if that means keeping her at arms length, so be it. give yourself time to grieve Gianna.
i wish there was something i could say or do to make things better for you, Redginger. please know that i am so sorry about Gianna. I can tell from your writings of her, she was one of the joys of your life. I can't say that I know how you feel, because I have never loss a child to suicide,but I do think this is a time of living hell for you. I don't think anyone could blame you for feeling the way you do concerning your N daughter right now.
Your post today asking me not to look back for my xbf was very powerful. When you told me I sound like Gianna shook me a bit. I don't know what Gianna went thru when she went to Fla, and saw her Xbf, or what she felt while she was in the relationship with him, but i think i know a little bit about the helplessness that she felt. My xbf has certainly made sure that feeling be with me.
We that love the Ns, are always trying to get them to understand how much we love them, and we always try to be good enough for them. constantly trying to make things right. when one thing is fixed for a day, something else breaks and it starts all over again. forever trying to get them to say "l love you." "I want you." "I'm sorry." we try so hard, yet they still walk away, or they never truly understand us. the thought of not spending a lifetime with them is to hard to face. for them to show that they don't want us is such pain, knowing there is another woman in there life is like living in hell. always wondering why can't he just want me? why am i not good enough?
I am fighting, Red. I really am... but in my head, I see him, and hear him. How do I get him out of my head?? Somebody please tell me how to get him out of my head??
You are in my prayers,
Sweetgrass