Please can someone remember what I went through

[spyralle]

Hi All,

I know I have been very sporadically drifting in and out this past year, so I guess not everyone here at the moment knows my story.  Basically 2 years ago my partner left me.  He had prepared me for a proposal, manipulated me into taking out a mortgage to pay all his debts and just left without warning one day while I was out at work, after telling me he loved me.  I have not seen him since.  I went through a hell of a lot of pain and very very slowly with the help of the people here and therapy I'm getting my life back on track.  The other part to this story is my very N Mum.  I have kept what happened from her as when I met this man I had no mortgage.  My uncle had won spot the ball and paid it off...

Lately my N mum asked if she could live with me and I said no and so she cut me off, and my daughter.  She seemed to think I was basically living it up with no mortgage and just didn't want to be bothered.  Anyway I wrote her a long letter telling her everything and basically asking her to understand and to basically just be my mum...

This was the letter I received in reply....

Spyralle,

How dare you touch that house investment!!!  It wasn't yours.  It was a gift of a lifetime from Uncle X and I to help you and K - Not some other bloody Rubbish you 'pick up' as you gpo along.  I don't know about therapy.  You need cerifying.  What the hell do you mean you are buying K a cot and blankets when you've given 27,000 of an investment of which half belonged to K.  That's good of you!!!  That investment should never have been realised, only in a better investment for bricks and mortar.  I could have killed you when I opened that letter.  You wouldn't sign the house over to him you say because it's K's - What is K's??? A bloody debt of £50,000 - you are insane

A pools win!!! How often do we have that in any family and you dare to realise it into pound notes to pay of the debt of someone Uncle X and I don't know!!!  What the bloody hell do you think I've worked so hard all my life for.  I have a grandchild - Your own daughter, acting as a waitress - running around some establishment to earn a pittance and you are harbouring bums and God knows who and I am paying to make your home better for these people for you to go out and keep them.

My Grandaughter (She hasn't seen her since 2001 - Was her birthday in June - no card) is now having to pay rent on a one bedroomed flat for her little baby. How dare you, you wicked woman.  Better you realised the money for a deposit for a house for that young pair and their baby

DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT!!!
A BLOODY COT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This afternoon I have screamed aloud in this flat to ease the pain of what you have done.  I have phoned Uncle X and we have cried together on the phone.  When you go back to square one you drag me with you.  What's the matter with you.  Can't you see what you have done.  Money sent from heaven to keep us and you give it to the devil.

Look, You get in touch with that solicitor and explain - Ask him what are the chances of retreiving some of that money.  I can't live with this situation

How many people of your age have no mortgage - you stupid stupid woman!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I thought you had grown up and you are still breaking me up.  I want to come to England because I would like to speak to Z (my daughter's boyfriend who she has never met!) I can't trust you Spyralle.  You have always been deceptful and told me lies.  You won't alter now, but I would like to see Z and K.  Try and arrange for some time when I can come and I'll book a flight.

I've told you that a friend of a friend - a gypsy woman once looked at my palm and refused to read it.  She said "you wouldn't want to know".  I'm not supersticious but I live in dread of what's coming next.  I keep thinking - 'When will there be any peace for me'  My friend M says Your purgatory is on this earth V!!!!!!!

And this on top of a horrendous two months.  Horrible trouble also with your brother's family.  all I feel is that I help and get no joy.  Now I'm crying again.  Oh God Help Me!!!!  In my 76th year and still no peace.

..........................................................................

So there it is. She didn't even send my daughter a card on her birthday in June before all this.  Just for the record.  I have a lot of equity in my house and it would be my daughters in a second if she needed it.  She is so happy making her own way with her boyfriend and they love their flat and are working together whilst me and his mum support them in the background.  Isn't that how it should be.  I guess I put that title on my post because 2 years ago I was in a desperate place.  I don't want to go back there again.....

Spyralle x

[spyralle]

I just realised something.  The letter I wrote initially was a long letter.  I just wanted her to be my mum against the odds.  She didn't hearme did she...  I am still voiceless to her.

[Ami]

Dear Spy,
  I remember your last post when you felt really, really down I remember that my heart went out to you.
    I think that a  N .mother is a continual heartache. I can see that  she treats you with  very badly. She talks to you rudely and disrespectfully.
   I am so sorry that you are going through this
   I think that an N mother just brings sorrow and heartbreak wherever and whenever you see or hear from her.(((((((((((((((((((((((((Spy))))))))))))))))))))))))))       Love    Ami

[lighter]

Well...... your mum didn't leave much doubt about what and whom she cares for.... and doesn't care for. 

She certainly doesn't care about her family.

I'm no expert but it seems that you may need to distance yourself or go no contact with her in order to make room for real supports that lift you up.   Friends and surrogate mama's to nurture and care about you in reciprocal relationships.

There's no understanding WHY N's do waht they do though it's plain to see WHAT they do.

It's unnaceptable and unlikely to change. 

I wish you healing and peace.   

[Stormchild]

Spyralle... I'm so sorry.

Here's a mantra that helps me a lot at times like this: because I do slip up, in fact this is the major place I slip up:

You Can't Get Milk At The Hardware Store.

it comes from ACOA and also Al-Anon, and it means that people who can't love you can't love you, people who can't respect you can't respect you, people who don't like you don't like you, no matter how often or how nicely you ask them to.

It's not your fault, they're simply not capable of it. That doesn't have to be a put-down, either; it's a fact, no more, no less. For whatever reason, they can't.

You Can't Get Milk At The Hardware Store.

[reallyME]

I agree with:  "Ya can't get milk at the hardware store."  I also agree with NO CONTACT, NO PHONE CALLS, NO NOTHING with this vengeful person!

Spyralle,

in the letter, so-called"parent" said:
This afternoon I have screamed aloud in this flat to ease the pain of what you have done.  I have phoned Uncle X and we have cried together on the phone.

>>>>>>This is a classic N-GUILT TRIP!  X used it on me often.  "_____ could tell you how I just sobbed over you, Laura.  I did.  I couldn't believe you did that "after all I'd done for you."  This is one very TYPICAL letter from a controlling guilt-tripper, Spyralle.  Let her OWN her own behavior and just live your life free of all that nonsense.

You can tell her your "OTHER FRIEND" advised you to cut her off till she got help and began treating you with dignity and respect.

[sea storm]

Dear S.

It is very clear that your mom is whacko and thinks she is entitled to tear you to shreds verbally and have no empathy for the way that you were swindled. I did the same things and put fifty thousand on the mortgage to help him out. I feel bad enough without having my nose rubbed in it.

Your mother is infantile in her criticisms. Good you report this stuff to your friends here because we can be objective. This letter is unacceptable and attacks you on many levels and certainly where you are most vulnerable.
I agree that no contact for a very long time is in order so that you can heal from this attack.

Sea storm

[Hopalong]

((((((Spy)))))

She's really mean.
And disrespectful.

And you don't deserve to be talked to that way.
No matter what.

I'm sorry.

love
Hops

[changing]

Hello Spy-

[changing]

Hello Spy-

Sorry that you have been subjected to such blatant abuse.Your Mum's bizarre rants are not truly about any mistakes that you might have made. This looks like a control move to me, attacking you when you feel vulnerable. I went through some periods of privation, but when I finally had a good job and bought my home, without any family support, my father took whatever opportunities he could to criticize, etc. I learned to limit those opportunities severely, and sought to ignore or dispute any negatives that got through my defense mechanism. Your Mum's letter sounds like the ravings of a madwoman! She and old' uncle X cannot claim ownership of you by virtue of having given you a gift, or by passing on some DNA.
Just be glad that you are free of these psychic vampires (as well as the boyfriend) as long as you protect your own boundaries. As far as your spending any resources of time, energy, or money in making travel arrangements for that wacky lady Mum, she must be joking!
Perhaps she might not be the best person to confide in. Please take care of yourself, enjoy your daughter and her family, and continue to post.

Hugs,

Changing

[Lupita]

Dear  Spy, my love to you, god will help you. We will pray for you.
Have you done this before? Or something similar? If that has happened to you in the past, you might have a life trap of behavior. Is your daughter safe? Is she in need? Do you have a good relationship with her?
What I did is that I put my son number one in my life, and that kept me out of trouble for many many years. Men gave me too much pain before I made that desicion. Men did horrible things to me. So horrible that I could not even speak about it on this board. Now I have been free of men for fifteen years already and that has helped me a lot.
Are you sicking proffesional help?
Probably you cannot think clearly at this particular moment. The best if you can afford is to seek some kind of therapy. That must help. I do not know because I cannot afford it but I imagine, it would help, I wish I had a therapist.
Money comes and goes. The most important is you and your daughter. Money is nothing, believe me. You do not need money to be happy. You just need money for basic needs, once those are covered, you can enjoy many things that do not cost anything.
Do not cry about money, please, God will give you more than that later.
Your daughter needs you.
Everybody loves you here and will pray for you. Please keep posting.

God bless you.

[lighter]

Lupita:  There should be services available in your area that charge on a sliding scale, according to what you can afford.  Not that they'll be great but there are nutso Kookie crazy therapists at 200.00 an hour too.

Check out what's available in your area.  We just went through this with el on other threads.  There's no reason you shouldn't investigate what services are available to you.  You may find you're pleasantly surprised and in therapy before you know it. 

I don't know where you are but if you share what area you're in there may be someone close to you and have some ideas.  Don't give any infor that's more specific than the State and County on the board. 

[spyralle]

Thanks everyone for your responses.  I keep repeating what Stormy said about not being able to get milk at the hardware store and that makes quite a lot of sense.  It's the fantasy I guess that is so hurtful, that one day you will just walk in there and there will be a fridge full of milk for sale....

I have decided to send a really short response for my sake really more than anyone elses..  Thought I would check it out with you guys first..

Dear Mum,

I was sad to receive your letter, as it made me realise finally that you really have no idea who I am.  At least though I have learned now that just because you say something about me or K it does not mean it is true.  Therefore I have put your insults on the discarded pile along with all the others.

I will keep you informed about the baby.

Love Spyralle

Have had a horrible horrible last week.  K got admitted to hospital with pre eclampsia and then..  would you believe it, I got admitted with pylonephritis...  We are both out now but she is back there having more tests today so I'll keep you all informed.

Spy xxxxxxxxxxxx

[Ami]

My "honest" opinion-------Is that I hear you wanting love and a "soft place to fall". Those  desires will get you the exact opposite from an N mother.
  When my H had surgery, I wanted my M to give me some TLC. I wanted a little bit of love. Well, she started humiliating me b/c I was afraid.I wrote her a letter and said,"You are the most disgusting thing on two feet."That was really a horrible thing  for me  to say and I felt badly . The FUNNY thing was that it was if I didn't say anything-- . The next day, she wrote me an e mail ,like nothing had happened.
   So, what I am saying to you(in a nutshell). is that if you are "weak"(sick,needy,dependent)--- she will hurt you.
  . Then, when yoiuare bleeding, she will act like nothing happened and you are imagining it.
   My advice------ no letter. If you have to have any contact for "business "type reasons--- short and sweet and NO EMOTIONS.   I want love and TLC as much as you do from my mother. However,if I try to get it--I will suffer. I am so sorry, Spy                           Love   Ami

[lighter]

Oh Spy.... sorry you guys are having all the health problems at once.  Is dd and baby doing ok>  How are you?

I'd be sorely tempted to write another letter to your mother telling her you found a cult to join and plan on signing ownership of your home over to them in exchange for a lifetime honor of servitude and butter churning: /