Lupita, does this help? Survival Behaviors Inventory

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http://www.WomanSavers.com  is an interesting site I found last night.  
Can't say about this article, but I found lots of things I want to read.  
Interested in everyone's feedback.  

I finally started researching abusive relationships bc normal channels aren't cutting it with regard to divorcing N Sociopath Personalities.

I'm spinning in circles over the legal systems apparent apathy and the strident urgency for escape (without the shirt on my back) coming from people who lost sisters and daughters to murdering sociopathic husbands during divorce proceedings.
A whole new level of confusion has been added to the confusion I started out with.   Joy.


Here is the article I wanted to post, in part.  I will provide the rest on the next post or two.

Let Go of Abuse-Coping Behaviors Holding You Back
Cavepeople developed a set of survival skills, which enabled them to survive the pressure of Mother Nature. They counted on these behaviors to carry them through. They developed a set of survival skills for the winter season and another set for the summer season. Each set of seasonal survival skills were different and unique from the other. The cavepeople realized that it would be foolhardy to use the summer survival skills in the winter as well as to use the winter ones in the summer. They realized that they needed to accommodate to the context of the season in which they were living if they were to be successful in that season. If they tenaciously held on to the belief that one set of survival skills should be sufficient for the entire year they would not have been successful in their quest for survival. So too, you had developed a set of survival skills to cope with the abuse and neglect you have received during your lifetime. These survival skills were necessary so that you could control other people to deflect away their continued or intended abuse. These skills were tools you used to keep yourself "safe" from the pain; hurt and suffering which abuse gave you. These survival skills have become habits, which you have carried with you to this very day. These behaviors were good coping skills during periods in which you were subject to or susceptible to being abused. A complete description with how to deal with these behaviors is contained in Tempering Survival Behaviors in Tools for Handling Control Issues.

Today your survival behaviors, which were once coping skills, can now be barriers to your personal growth and recovery from living in an unbalanced way. These survival skills can be the control mechanisms, which you are currently exercising which keep you resistant to the messages of the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyle Program. These behaviors can be the reason why you have not fully implemented the balanced lifestyle system in your life at this time. What you need to do is to LET GO of these survival behaviors you have developed because of the abuse you have received in your life so that you can be more open to and ready to implement the principles of the balanced lifestyles system in your life.  

The first step you need to take is to LIGHTEN THE PRESSURE to control the externals in your life by use of your survival behaviors. To do this you need to do an ALERT and identify if you are currently using survival behaviors to keep you off track from fully implementing the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyles Program in your life by changing your relationship with food, exercise and handling your emotions in food-free ways. To help you identify if you are using survival behaviors to be resistant to the messages of this program you first need to know what a survival behavior is. Survival behaviors are walls or barriers which you have built between yourself and the others whom you perceived to be threatening, abusive, neglecting, ignoring, hurtful or rejecting so that you would not be hurt or subjected to pain. Survival behaviors were a way to put the "locus of control" in your own hands, based on the thinking that you could control your own destiny and avoid being hurt or subjected to more pain or harm at the hands of others. They were the weapons you used to fight off the control and intimidation of others whom you believed were threatening to your emotional or physical health. These behaviors over-controlled your own thinking, feeling or acting so that you became closed in, pulled in and appeared to be "non-feeling," and thus kept people from ever knowing how you "really felt"so that they could not have any power or control over you. With these survival behaviors you had a "power and control" armory to call upon when anyone was "getting too close" to you and you felt the need to "put them off" so that they would "back away" and give you enough "space" to feel comfortable. relaxed and safe. These behaviors are a invisible "guard all shield" which no one can ever break through and result in you keeping everyone in your life at a distance from you. The problem with using your old survival behaviors in addressing the implementing of the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyles Program is that they keep you from being open to its messages and the people involved. These survival behaviors keep you at a distance from getting engaged in the program‘s support system and make you resistant to being open to its hope-filled and redeeming messages. To help you complete the ALERT phase of the LIGHTEN PRESSURE step take the following Survival Behaviors Inventory to identify which behaviors are impediments to your fully implementing the Balanced Lifestyles System in your life.  

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Survival Behaviors Inventory  
Directions: For each survival behavior, rate your level of exhibiting it specifically as you address the implementing of the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyles in your life. Read the description first before you rate the behavior. Use the following rating scale:

1 = Never  2 = Rarely  3 = Sometimes  4 = Frequently  5 = Almost Always

( 1) 1 2 3 4 5   Refusal to Grow Up - Being Irresponsible

By your thinking, feelings or actions you let others know that you have no intention to "grow up" and think, feel or act responsibly like an "adult." You have probably never been able to have a real childhood and you feel that it is your time now for others to "take care of you" as if you were a child again and you are waiting for others to do what is necessary for you to implement the principles of this program in your life. You want others to do it for you. By being irresponsible you can avoid being accountable for anything which might go wrong in the implementation of the elements of this program in your life. You can then point the finger of blame at the others who were responsible for the balanced lifestyles processes being put into practice in your life if you are not successful.

( 2) 1 2 3 4 5  Conflict with Authority Figures

By your thinking, feelings or actions you place yourself in direct conflict with authority figures in your life. In this program the "authority figure" could be the author of the book or the leader of your class or the support group in this program. You have been burnt by authority figures in the past and you reason that you are not going to let the perceived authorities in this program overwhelm and control you.

( 3) 1 2 3 4 5  Chip on Your Shoulder

This is the "tough guy" approach of thinking, feeling or acting which challenges others to take the first move to try to get the chip off your shoulder. This is a sign of your unresolved past hurt and pain. You find yourself challenging the tenants of the program. You find yourself challenging the other members of your support group or group leader and you appear ready for a fight at any moment and find it difficult to relax with this program, its tenants, principles and the people associated with it.

( 4) 1 2 3 4 5  Lack of Emotional Empathy

This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting based on the inability to be open to the feelings of others so as to prevent getting involved with them at an emotional level. This is a way to protect yourself from being vulnerable to being hurt in relationships if you get too close. This impacts your ability to give and receive support in the support group which you have joined as you work with this program and it makes it difficult for you to "understand" the emotional component of this program. You feel lost when emotional issues are discussed in the book or in your group or class.

( 5) 1 2 3 4 5  Denial of Feelings or Pulling-In Feelings

This is a pattern by which you do not admit to having any positive or negative feeling about your past or current life. This is a way to protect yourself from pain, hurt, shame and upset. It also keeps you from experiencing enjoyment, pleasure and satisfaction in life. It makes it difficult for others, in the support group in this program, to relate to you since they can‘t get a clear picture of who you are by "pinning you down" on how you feel towards them or the program itself. The most unbalanced people in life often are those who deny that their binge or compulsive over- eating is based on their feelings. They tenaciously hold on to the belief that all they need to do, to lose weight and get thin,  is to eat less which will control their binging and compulsive over- eating.

( 6) 1 2 3 4 5   Disassociation from Feelings

This is a pattern of becoming numb or disconnected from the feelings accompanying an event which is unpleasant, threatening, abusive or violent, uncomfortable or challenging to you. This pattern of dealing with your feelings enables you to terminate an association with the event so as to survive the event and get on with your life. In this program many of the issues raised have created for you discomfort and been challenging to you. You find yourself disassociating from the feelings of discomfort or being challenged by the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyles tenants. Many unhealthy food-based responses to emotions are based on disassociation from feelings and you are not even aware of it when it happens.

( 7) 1 2 3 4 5  Invisibility

This is the pattern of thinking, feeling and acting which helps you not to be seen, heard or attended to by others so that they do not focus any negative actions or behaviors your way. This helps you to protect yourself from future real or perceived hurt, pain or abuse by others. In this program when you act invisible your needs are not addressed and you do not experience the growth needed to be successful in changing your lifestyle. Your class or group leader and members of your support group do not know what you are thinking and feeling when you maintain your invisibility and cannot provide you the support needed as you tackle the changes in your relationship with food, exercise and handling emotions in food-less ways.

( 1 2 3 4 5  Self-Medicating Behaviors

This is a pattern by which you medicate or anesthetize the pain, hurt, shame, suffering or emptiness you have experienced in life. In this program we know that compulsive and binge over-eating is a form of self-medicating. The pressure you have experienced as you address the tenants and principles of this program may have been so great that you self-medicated with food or some other form of addictive behavior. Self-medicating with food is an unhealthy way to deal with your emotions.

( 9) 1 2 3 4 5  Inability to Trust

This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting by which you do not allow yourself to trust anyone since you have trusted others in the past who eventually hurt and abused you. You are not willing to be taken advantage of nor hurt and abused by others in the future. You listen to the tenants of the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyles and find it difficult to trust that you will never have to diet again. You find it difficult to trust that you only need to change your relationship with food, exercise and dealing with emotions in foodless ways to gain a balanced lifestyle with the 3 Increases of Health, Happiness and Energy. You find it difficult to trust that you are a good person just the way you are and do not need to starve yourself to become thin so that you are "good enough." You find it difficult to accept the rational perspective in this program because it is so unlike the other diet and weight management programs you have tried in the past. You reason: "This program is out of sync with the other weight management and diet programs I have been in and how can I trust what it is telling me since it is so out of the mainstream diet thinking."

(10) 1 2 3 4 5  Playing it Safe - Avoiding Taking Risks

This is a pattern by which you "play it safe" and not take risks so that you are not hurt, abused or taken advantage of by others. Playing it safe keeps you feeling secure in a cocoon sheltered from the hazards and risks of life and hopefully prevents you from making mistakes or failing by the decisions and actions you take in your life. You choose to "play it safe" in this program and do not attempt to implement the changes necessary to develop a new relationship with food, exercise and handling emotions in food-free ways. You are stuck in your "diet mentality" and work at starving yourself so that you can get thin and then be "good enough" to yourself and others. You lack the rational insight to realize and trust that this program, its author, your group or class leader and the members of your support group have nothing to gain and will not take advantage of you if you implement the Balanced Lifestyles system in your life and are successful in your efforts.

(11) 1 2 3 4 5  Self-Containment - False Pride

This is a pattern of thinking, feeling or acting by which you try to convince yourself and others that you do not need anyone else to help you do what you want to do in your life. This keeps you from accepting the support from others in this program. Your attitude of: "I know I can do it on my own" keeps you from being open to support, advice and assistance from the leaders of your class or group, from the author of this program and the members of your support group. This form of pride leaves you open to feeling more alone, abandoned and isolated as you face implementing this program‘s system in your life.            

(12) 1 2 3 4 5  Mask Wearing - People Pleasing

This is a pattern of behaviors which hides from others how you are really feeling to prevent real or imagined abuse, rejection, non-approval or condemnation from those who would be offended by your honest assessment, judgment or reaction. You are wearing masks and pleasing others by keeping silent about how you feel about the tenants and principles of the program. You find them either too hard to accomplish or too simple to be all you need to do, to gain a balance in your life. You shy away from honest statements to yourself or others of how you are reacting to what is being said in this program so as not to offend anyone.

(13) 1 2 3 4 5  Running Away

This is the pattern of thinking, feeling or acting by which you run away in your head or in reality to avoid having to face any hurt, pain, abuse, suffering, anxiety, stress or tension. The unpleasant realities presented in the Tools for a Balanced Lifestyles Program have you so befuddled at this time in the program that you are contemplating running away so that you can get to a safe place from the new, challenging and risky tenants and principles involved. You have your plans ready for a quick exit as soon as the heat gets too unbearable for you.

CONTINUED ON NEXT POST

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CONTINUED FROM LAST POST





(14) 1 2 3 4 5  Lying

This is a pattern by which you hide or omit the truth from others so as to avoid real or perceived abuse, hurt or conflict. In this program you find yourself lying about implementing things which you have not wholeheartedly accepted or wanted to do. You find yourself making excuses and using diversionary tactics to keep yourself from being cornered into admitting that it is difficult for you to do the things necessary to implement this program‘s systems in your life.

(15) 1 2 3 4 5  Overreaction

This is a pattern by which you blow things out of proportion to keep people concerned, confused and upset to gain attention for yourself to insure that you are not forgotten or ignored. You reason that negative attention is better than no attention at all. You are over-reactive to many or all of the tenants and principles of the program and make it a point to make this know to the people in the program, your group leader and to your support system.

(16) 1 2 3 4 5  Escape into Fantasy-Magical Thinking

This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting by which you avoid unpleasantness by fantasizing how it could be. You use flights into fantasy and magical thinking to relieve the stress, anxiety or tension which you experience as you face the realities of what it will take to implement the components of this program in your life. You prefer to escape into the belief that it should be easier and faster and more permanent to gain the benefits of a balanced lifestyle by simple solutions which are not presented in this program.

(17) 1 2 3 4 5  Lack of Commitment

This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting by which you never commit to anything so as to prevent yourself from being entangled or tied into anything in which you might fail or be hurt. You find it difficult to make a commitment to implementing the Balanced Lifestyle system of  dealing with food, exercise and emotions for fear that you will not do it "good enough" or not be successful in your efforts and then be rejected, condemned or ridiculed because of your failure.

(18) 1 2 3 4 5  Antagonism - Hostility

This is a pattern of negativistic thinking, feeling and acting which reflects your self-protectiveness from real or perceived threats to you. This puts others off and maintains physical and emotional distance between you and them. Your antagonism is present in your dealings with this program, the author, the group or class leader and the members of the support group. You find yourself hostile to the principles and tenants of the program and do not hide it.

(19) 1 2 3 4 5  Defensiveness

This is a pattern of thinking, feeling and acting by which you are always "on guard" for real or perceived threats to you. This defensive attitude protects you from "being wronged," hurt, "unwanted" or "unloved." The defensiveness with this program reflects your belief that: "I know it won‘t work for me anyway so why try it." You find yourself in a "yes...but..." whenever your are reading this book or attending the program‘s class or group.

(20) 1 2 3 4 5  Indecisiveness - Procrastination

This is a pattern which prevents you from being "tied down" to a decision, lest the decision be a wrong one. You put off making the decision for as long as you can in hopes that you never have to make a decision which could result in your making a mistake or experiencing failure. You find yourself getting stuck in implementing this program due to your putting off your decision to do so.

(21) 1 2 3 4 5  Denial of Reality - Repression

This is a pattern of thinking, feeling or acting which allows you to deny the reality of past hurts, injustices or pain which you have experienced. This denial or repression is based on the belief that if you admitted this negative reality you would go insane from the shame, pain, misery, horror, rage, and shock you would experience from facing it the way it was. This accumulation of  "unfinished business" is addressed in this program and you are constantly encouraged to face the reality of the abuse and neglect you have received due to your body image and weight not being "good enough" for others. You are encouraged to do ANGER work to free yourself from the pain of these past injuries but you refuse to face the past and work hard at denying that anything ever was done to you which was hurtful or damaging to your self-esteem or mental health.

Survival Behaviors Inventory Interpretation:

If you rated a behavior a 3 or higher this behavior is a survival behavior with which you are trying to control how this program impacts your life. You need to proceed to get rational alternative messages which free you up to be more accepting and open to the messages, tenants and principles of this program so that your thinking, feelings and actions can be committed to implementing them now. These survival behaviors with a 3 or higher rating are preventing you from progressing in this program and might be the reason you need to take a break from the program until you are ready to deal with the program in a honest and sincere way. These survivor behaviors were helpful to cope with the abuse in your past life but they are debilitating your efforts to change your life and relationship with food, exercise and handling your emotions in food-free ways. As you proceed to use the ALERT system to identify new affirmations to encourage your forward momentum in this program do ANGER work over the reality that your survival behaviors which once served you well are now the foundation of the self-sabotage which is keeping you stuck from moving forward in this program. After you do your ALERT and ANGER work be sure to do CHILD work to nurture yourself and to inform yourself that you will protect yourself from any harm, hurt or pain which might come your way from implementing this program in your life. Once you have completed these LIGHTEN THE PRESSURE tasks you are ready for the next LET GO steps.   

You are now ready to EXERCISE YOUR RIGHTS to have a chance to be successful in this program by letting go of the need to allow the control mechanisms of survival behaviors to keep you off track. Make a commitment to TAKE THE STEPS necessary to insure that your survival behaviors are less of a factor in impeding your progress in this program. You can do this by informing the members of your support system of the existence of these survival behaviors and how to recognize them. You can give them permission to "call you on it" or confront you when these self-sabotaging survival behaviors are apparent to them. You can give them permission to remind you of the need to be vigilant lest these behaviors take over your efforts at changing your lifestyle. You need to let others know that you are GIVING UP THE NEED to control the components involved in this program. You need to let them know that you will work at being more open to the tenants and principles of the program for what they are rather than how you perceive them to be. You will work hard at accepting the principles of this program not as threats of new pain, hurt or suffering for you but rather as hope-filled, redeeming behaviors which have the promise of the 3 Increase of Health, Happiness and Energy. You need to then ORDER YOUR LIFE by handing your survival behaviors over to your Higher Power as old behaviors over which you have been powerless to handle. You need to admit to your Higher Power and to yourself that these survival behaviors have become entrenched habits which are part of your personality make up and which you are powerless to change on your own with out the assistance of your Higher Power. You need to insure that you are able to make an ongoing inventory of how well you are dealing with your survival behaviors and maintain a vigilant watch for when they become more active in your lifestyles change efforts again so that you can LET GO of them when the need arises.   

You know that the abuse, which you have experienced in your past, has been very painful and hurtful to deal with. You have been proud of the power, which your survival behaviors have given you to avoid or deflect further abuse in your life. You might be afraid to try to do this LET GO process to lessen the impact of these behaviors now. You might be afraid that if you let your guard down you will be weakened against future efforts to take advantage of or abuse you. This program is only suggesting that you lessen the impact of the survival behaviors in your efforts at implementing this balanced lifestyles program in your life. You are not being asked to eliminate your survivor instincts and intuition to protect yourself from future abuse or neglect from others. You are only being asked to free your energy level to implement this program in your life. This program is not going to take advantage of you nor hurt you. The only way you can be hurt in this program is self-inflicted hurt due to your being too perfectionistic, idealistic, conditional self-accepting, shame and guilt inducing or basing your self-worth on externals. You will need to accept the personal responsibility to establish boundaries between yourself and the perceived or real critical judgment and criticism of others as you pursue this program in your life. You will need to work at accepting that you are a human being after all and that you should not be held to a level of accomplishment, which is too perfectionistic or idealistic. Finally you will need to continue to do ANGER work about how you need to accept life the way it is rather than how you would idealistically like it to be. Once you have accepted that you are, by your self-hatred and martyr role, a worse abuser of youself than anyone else before you will be more willing to let go of the survival behaviors so that you can proceed with the task at hand of changing your dealings with food, exercise and emotions.   


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[Lupita]

Thank you lighter.

I have so much information to go over now, that it will take me several days to check it out.
Thank you for your help.

Lupita

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I haven't had time to really go through it myself yet.  Let me know if it's helpful or what.  It's something I'm trying to make time for too.

You're welcome: )