starting over ( again )

[WRITE]

well I certainly had a brainstorm last week, I have never had such a difficult day but it hasn't slipped into illness, though I did panic and I still feel tired.

There's a lot going on in my head and no energy or time to write it, but I have come to a few decisions.

Relationships- number one on my priority list is my illness, if a relationship can't fit into the way I manage my illness ( low-stress, self-care ) it has to go or if I can't then it has to be more distant;

Church- I am going to attend and sing the Taize worship service at the Lutheran, and not get involved with that church congregation, separate my worship and prayer from community for a while. I'll be helping at the UU place so they can be my community, I don't get so involved in their politics!

I need to get back in balance, more exercise, more cooking, more sleep, more writing.

I painted yesterday.
What happened to Moon?
I always used to tell Moon when I painted something.
She paints.

Thanks for all the wonderful stuff people have been writing and the love and support this week.

Everyone has been so kind, and not one person apparently thinks I deserve to fall flat on my face! I must have much better people in my life these days because there's always been an element of that before....even ex doesn't think it now.

And the best thing that has come out of my crash- he is going back to therapy.
I shocked him when I said I had wasted my child-bearing years waiting for him to deal with his issues, and now he's going to waste his life too!
It was an outburst, but I guess it hit home.

~W

[Ami]

You pulled yourself up--- WRITE. That is a good lesson for me. You were really low,but it did not kill you.
   I think that you panic about the manic depression.I think that you might feel that IT will overtake you. However, you saw that you took over the reins of your life---NOT the manic depression. (-Forgive me if I am being too forward. I just had an insight and thought I would share it .)
   I am happy that you went through this pain and came out the other side. I think that there are life angst's. Part of what you were going through was just life angst,I think.
  It is like the "lesson" of being alone. There is the 'lesson" of regrets. It seemed that you were going through this one.
                                                                                                       Love   Ami

[mountainspring]

(((Write)))  I'm glad you're feeling better.

[bigalspal]

Hi Write,
I'm kinda new here, so I don't know your history, but I wanted to say-"You go, girl!"
Love,
Bigalspal

[moonlight52]

Hey Write ,

I am so glad ya doin better and painting is such a wonderful way of lifting spirit.......
What are you painting???? Right now I am doing dream work I had a good dream 2 nights ago..

I was in a lavender dress and running up some beautiful stairs at noon time to a house built into a hillside and I got to the door it was covered with jewels
and I reached out to open the door and it had a diamond handle and just as I reached to open the door I woke up.
Awwwww Write I guess I will wait until tonight to see whats behind the door .......tee hee

Sorry the bipolar stuff was getting difficult Write you do always find that sweet dear balance.................
I am taking little moonlet to the doctors nothing big she hurt her finger....

G-d Bless   so much love to you

moon

[CB123]

Ahhh, Moon...

Sometimes I miss you so much!  It was great to hear about your dream!

CB

[isittoolate]

Good for you WRITE.!

This one struck me, as I've never said it on this Board:

"Relationships- number one on my priority list is my illness, if a relationship can't fit into the way I manage my illness ( low-stress, self-care ) it has to go or if I can't then it has to be more distant;

Change that to"
Situations- number one on my priority list is my disability , if a situation can't fit into the way I manage my limitations it has to go

[Hopalong]

I like that, Izzy.
You just drained all the ___ (dunno the word) and made that a completely self-loving sounding statement.

SO glad you feel better, Write.

I'm over the Moon to hear you, Moon.

love
Hops

[Stormchild]

Write, you've got it. You're - ugh, I hate this term - 'managing' your situation, you've reached the point where you can actually say to it: YOU are not in charge of my life, I AM!

And make it stick...

Not that you never have mood shifts, but that you aren't mistaking them for your Self. They are your Weather, which is an entirely different thing.

I hope this doesn't make you feel as though I'm loading expectations on you. What I mean to be loading is admiration.

You're taking care of you, you're mindful, that's it, that's what works...

((((((((((Write))))))))))

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Moonlight, it's so very good to see you here again. (((((moon)))))

[teartracks]

Hey WRITE,

Yeah, what are you painting?   

I picked up an old half done canvas the other day.  It's five tall skinny different colored sun-drenched bottles sitting in front of a clapboard wall.  My mom asked me if I were painting ball bats, so that tells you how well I paint.    It's for me though.  Others don't have to like it. 

So glad you're feeling better.  Glad you didn't have to fight off any fall flat of your face detractors.   

Hugs,

tt

[WRITE]

My painting was one of those hurling intense things direct from the subconscious!
It's impressionist like always and religious which is unusual, going from the top down is light, then crosses, then a hill with people grouped formally at the bottom and the largest figures are grey shapes in the foreground surrounded by mist.

It symbolises exactly how I feel about religion I guess, about G_d above all, and the prophets leading us, and organisations which both contain and exclude people....but everyone can see the light and no one is either nearer or closer to G_d simply through their position.

MOON! How lovely for you to come back and hear about it! You have always been my creative inspiration and encourager, I have no doubt the door will open to a beautiful vision of loveliness, manifestation of your inner self!

Paint anyway Teartracks. Most of my stuff is awful, meaningful only to me. I don't care, it's necessary, it's like...the pooping of the child within...

you aren't mistaking them for your Self

I think I might be 'between selves' right now Storm, I do feel somewhat reborn out of the cathartic crisis of the weekend.

The practical stuff is a bit overwhelming though isn't it, finances and administration. I'm so glad we did all that stuff here about women and money recently and i read the book Money a Memoir, it makes me realise it's a woman thing and our society, and not entirely me alone who suffers this incompetence and indecisiveness.

if a situation can't fit into the way I manage my limitations it has to go

perfectly put Iz and Hops; in fact- if a situation doesn't fit with me I guess it has to go whether that's because of difficulties or choice or simply who I am...

Isn't it strange though how often we're pushed into stuff or defined by stuff which is from a distance, like our past, or amorphous 'society'. I have so long been trying to get good feedback I have become hyper self-critical and approval-seeking.

Thanks Bigalspal- and welcome. Thanks Mountainspring, thanks Ami.

I am much calmer tonight, and a certain resignation has set in that I can't control some of the things which are my anxieties, and some I may never totally control, just do my best to manage.

Glad you didn't have to fight off any fall flat of your face detractors.

thanks TT.
I am gettign better at setting boundaries with the nay-sayers.
Didn't call my dad though for a while, even though I ought I guess, can't cope with him, he's like that Harry Enfield character in British comedy 'you don't wanna do that.... 

Goodnight everyone, will read and post more tomorrow.

Trying to get more sleep!