Why do I feel like I am being watched?

[motheroffour]

This is one thing that is still puzzling to me.  Haven't found much yet to explain it.  What is it that causes such paranoia and has anybody found ways to diminish this feeling?  The one that makes me feel that my mil and sil are in my house watching everything I do.  that they will somehow know my thoughts if I think them too loud and use them against me.  Why is it then, that I assume everybody in the world is watching me or going to hurt me in some way.  I watch myself do it and I know it is entirely irrational.  So far, I just use comforting word and remind myself of reality. 

More wonderings.....

Mof4

[Certain Hope]

Hi Mof4,

I remember feeling so naked and exposed. Seems like a natural consequence of being stripped of everything that we'd thought was solid and real. This is just a very vulnerable time for you and the only way I know to get through it is to just keep telling yourself the truth. As you said, using comforting words and reminding yourself of reality. It'll pass!

My NPD ex-husband's post-divorce stalking really accentuated this aspect of the trauma for me. It may sound silly, and I don't know whether it will apply in your situation, but here's one thing I did to help erase his impact from my consciousness...
I washed all the walls in my house and moved all the furniture.
Expending the energy this required did help to relieve alot of tension and served a dual purpose, as well.
It was pretty bad for awhile. I have this old glider-rocker - "my" chair, but he always sat in it. Well, I couldn't walk through the living room without seeing him sitting there, in my mind's eye. Just moving things around and giving the place a ferocious cleaning helped alleviate that a great deal... but then I had to force myself to sit in that chair. To pick up a good book and determine that I was going to relax in MY chair and remove those old imprints.

Replacing those old thought patterns and images with new ones is all a part of renewing the mind. Taking an active, physical role in the process helps to firm it all up, I think. Hope this helps!

Hope

[Hopalong]

Hi Mo4,
I like all the thoughts you've received here (NOT the creepy ones, I mean!) 

I think it might be something like PTSD, the paranoia and feeling of being watched. I think you have been so traumatized by that family, so damaged in your self, that it will be a while before you know they're not there, and more importantly, that you ARE.

(Boy would Wiccans have rituals for this. Burning sage in all the rooms, for example.)

I love the idea of rearranging furniture and washing the walls. I think symbolism and ritual that makes sense to you and directly means RECLAIMING YOUR SPACE would be good.

What kind of personal rituals and changes could you do, just for yourself?

love
Hops

[motheroffour]

Interesting you picked up on the PTSD.  My therapist says I a have this going on.  Rituals....hmmmm...I thought that when I moved to this house 9 mos ago that it would help.  My M&FIL have visited twice.  We have not allowed any of the family to visit here.  Maybe I could create something else....I will give that some thought.  What is the burning sage thing?  Sounds interesting.   Sometimes I am so impatient.  I miss my old self so much.  The one that was adventurous and would try stuff without worry and would live for fun.  Trying to encorporate some of my old behaviors back in. I have made myself do stuff I am afraid to do just to convince my brain that the mirage doesn't exist.  I have had some success with that.   I will have to continue to think on this.....

Thanks for your comments. 

[WRITE]

The first time i spoke to my therapist she called me in a store and I whispered and asked if I could pay cash and would she tell anyone I was seeing her....

Trauma, practicalities, my illness and the fact that my ex was indeed watching my every move and responding loudly when i slipped up all made me feel like you do now.

I can't imagine what it's like for you people who have to have additional people pressuring already difficult lives.

I miss my old self so much.  The one that was adventurous and would try stuff without worry and would live for fun.

me too MOF, but I also know that much of what i did wasn't choices or freedom but reactions and recklessness, hopefully  I can find future fun without it being an exercise in self-destruction!

Keep going, it is worth it.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[Hopalong]

aww, sweetie.
(((((((((((((((MoF)))))))))))))))))

Your "old self" is still in there. As you start fighting for yourself in the present, reclaiming your space, healing, making the choices that give respect to life and hope...

You'll find her coming out again. She'll be changed, but not "lost". She'll have the liveliness that comes from gratitude and survival, the kindness from lessons hard won, the self-respect from breaking the code of annihilating the self to "be good".

She's gonna be a wonderful wise woman with a great laugh, and you will be happy!

Meanwhile, Google "sage ceremonies". It's Native American in origin. No harm in reverently using it for ourselves. And what a lovely private thing to do...that there's no need to share with anyone else.

hugs,
Hops

[Ami]

Dear MO4,
  I went on a PTSD website. I have most of the symptoms. It was a relief to see that  my symptoms fell in to this .
  I always felt that the "ghosts" of my parents were with me. They were more real than what was going on around me.
  To me. it was a "comforting " feeling,but comforting in a "miserable " way. It is hard to explain.
   For me to keep the "ghosts" with me. I had to give up my core. So, I had to believe their reality in order to "think' that they were there.
   I think that you have to have experienced this to understand what I am saying. However, since I have been healing, they are not there anymore. I wrote the post on getting rid of the" cancer'
  When they "left", I felt much different. It was like a "real" thing left me.
    I started feeling more real, also
    Anyway,check out the PTSD websites and write back about what you think             Love  Ami

[lighter]

When I stop dropping down quickly or running past windows, lol.... I'll tell you that you're paranoid.

As far as I can tell though.... N's give us ample reason to feel persecuted and spied upon.

Start laughing at yourself and remember to enjoy the moment you're in. 

Those women prolly aren't watching you and if they are..... give em something happy and triumphant to witness.

Live well..... because you can and because it's the very best revenge. 

[axa]

I felt at times as if I was paranoid also.  But of course it makes sense now, when you are around people who undermine you, you begin to question everything.  Also Ns are so double tounged that the luxury of accepting what someone says is gone and you have to try and interpret everything.  There were times when I thought i Was paranoid but turned out I was not............... it's hard to stay sane around crazy Ns

Axa

[motheroffour]

Axa,  thank you for saying it better than I could.  Thank you for seeing that "questioning everything" piece.  Feel as though I am not as able to orient myself to truth in my environment.  Working toward more trust in myself and my instincts. 

Lighter,  your name says it all.  Thank you for taking me to the higher ground on this.  Want to live that way so badly.  Feel the determination burn in my feet that don't move fast enough. 

Haa Ha Hee Hee HO!  I am laughing at myself!  thank you for reminding me to Live Well.

Cheers!
--mof4