Author Topic: Frustration with a Friend  (Read 6144 times)

isittoolate

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Re: Frustration with a Friend
« Reply #15 on: July 18, 2007, 07:58:44 PM »
Yes bones

your fear, so imagine hers--if she could put the picture together in her head-- and if her dementia is such that she couldn't see the danger, it's almost a crueler thing to do.

xx
Izzy

BonesMS

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Re: Frustration with a Friend
« Reply #16 on: July 18, 2007, 08:28:49 PM »
Exactly!!!!  All because of a self-centered, self-absorbed daughter who refused to listen to reason while barrelling ahead with what SHE wanted to do!   :P

Bones
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lighter

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Re: Frustration with a Friend
« Reply #17 on: July 18, 2007, 09:08:25 PM »
I think I would have flat out refused to allow that poor woman to be marched down all those stairs.  I guess I would have locked her wheels and sat there with her unless the tour guide offered to sit with her while I went and had a peek. 

I feel a little like a hypocrit saying that bc I'm usually driven insane by a sib that forces me to do allll kinds of things against my better judgement but..... I'd like to think i'd draw the line for that lady in the wheelchairs sake.

i'm usually much more protective of other people's boundaries,  than I am of my own. 

sally

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Re: Frustration with a Friend
« Reply #18 on: July 18, 2007, 11:34:06 PM »
sorry I made the suggestion

BonesMS

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Re: Frustration with a Friend
« Reply #19 on: July 19, 2007, 11:05:22 PM »
I think I would have flat out refused to allow that poor woman to be marched down all those stairs.  I guess I would have locked her wheels and sat there with her unless the tour guide offered to sit with her while I went and had a peek. 

I feel a little like a hypocrit saying that bc I'm usually driven insane by a sib that forces me to do allll kinds of things against my better judgement but..... I'd like to think i'd draw the line for that lady in the wheelchairs sake.

i'm usually much more protective of other people's boundaries,  than I am of my own. 

Thanks, Lighter.

Bones
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lighter

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Re: Frustration with a Friend
« Reply #20 on: July 19, 2007, 11:08:34 PM »
YVW, Bones.

BonesMS

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Re: Frustration with a Friend
« Reply #21 on: July 22, 2007, 02:18:55 PM »
Just to give you an update......

Yesterday, this same friend wanted to go to the Aquatic Gardens in Washington, D.C. and take her disabled Mom along.  She asked if I was interested in seeing these Gardens since I've never had the opportunity before.  It's a good thing I decided to join them because said friend had this "idea" of having Mom WALK all around.  Her "excuse" was that she didn't want to "ruin" the wheelchair wheels because the Garden has trails instead of sidewalks.  This time, I put my foot down and told her that I will NOT permit her to stress her nearly 90-yar-old mother in that manner.  Nature trails are strenous enough for people who are much younger and this is not fair to subject her Mother to THAT.  Her response:  "But I assume......"  My response:  "N-O!  She is NOT going to walk through all that!  We are going to use the wheelchair with her!"  We also soon learned that the trails are not that wheelchair accessible either.  Many of the trails have a lot of gravel.  As a result, the wheels of the chair sank deep into the gravel.  My friend asked a park ranger if it was alright if we could have Mom wait with either a volunteer or a ranger while we looked at something a short distance away.  Fortunately, the ranger said "No Problem" and we proceeded with that arrangement while Mom rested in the shade.  (Many kind people often went over to hold her hand and talk to her.  She got a VERY GOOD DEAL out of this!   :))

On the way back from a Lotus Garden, while an Asian and Lotus Festival was wrapping up, a Korean lady, in full Korean garb approached me and gave me the most BEAUTIFUL paper lantern in the shape of a GIANT PINK LOTUS BLOSSOM!!!  I was deeply touched as I did not expect that!!!  She bowed deeply to me and thanked me and I bowed deeply back to her, gratefully thanking her for her kind and unexpected gift.

My friend's reaction?

She says, quite loudly:  "Do you have anymore for ME?  I WANT ONE!"

The Korean lady was already quietly walking away and ignored her.  I'm looking at said friend and shaking my head in disgust.  She just didn't get it about gifting and how it's rude and inappropriate to DEMAND a gift!  What had been a quiet and contemplative moment was ruined with her loud demand that grated on my last nerve.  Then she wanted to cram my paper lantern into a cardboard box which was too small.  She got told "N-O!" on that deal as well!

I expect somewhat childish behavior from Mom because of her Alzheimer's.  I was irritated at the N-ish behavior of her daughter!

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!

Bones
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sally

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Re: Frustration with a Friend
« Reply #22 on: July 22, 2007, 02:29:18 PM »
Bones,

Got a question: Why do you hang out with this "friend"?  If it were me, I'd run the other way.

Are you hanging out with her to protect the mother?

Sally

lighter

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Re: Frustration with a Friend
« Reply #23 on: July 22, 2007, 04:54:57 PM »
::::CLAPPING!::

Oh what the heck, lol?

::doing the snoopy dance::

You asserted yourself and didb't spend time walking around fuming at your friend for things she did to her mom.

Really outstanding..... 

Good for you!

Loved the paper lantern story.

Too bad you can't block what comes out of your friend's mouth: / 

Hmmm.... friend? 

Ami

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Re: Frustration with a Friend
« Reply #24 on: July 22, 2007, 06:04:16 PM »
Dear Bones,
  If you forgive me the irreverence but I can see " Bones Travel Guide". You go to the Great Wall of China .                                                                 
                                         
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

BonesMS

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Re: Frustration with a Friend
« Reply #25 on: July 23, 2007, 07:24:30 AM »
Bones,

Got a question: Why do you hang out with this "friend"?  If it were me, I'd run the other way.

Are you hanging out with her to protect the mother?

Sally

At this point, Mom needs an advocate since she is no longer able to speak up for herself.  As I perceive it, the "friend", who I have known since 10th grade, does display N-ish behavior.  Her two sisters basically ignore their Mother because her Alzheimer's is "inconvenient" and makes her "messy and smelly".  One son-in-law is being stretched between his own mother, who is declining physically, and his mother-in-law who has the Alzheimer's.  I can see the stress he is under and I feel for him.  Another son-in-law exhibits a LOT of symptoms of NPD and refuses to deal with his mother-in-law in ANY way because it might make him "look bad" to his rich clients.  (He's a lawyer and he's into "looking good at all costs".)  The remaining daughter is divorced and the few men she had been involved with want NOTHING to do with helping Mom in any way.  To me, that leaves Mom pretty much in a very vulnerable position whenever the visiting nurses are not there on the weekends.  Since Mom has been living with Alzheimer's for about ten years, and she will be turning 90 in August, she may not have much longer to live and I want her to be as comfortable and loved as much as possible.  So if I had to choose between avoiding "friend", knowing Mom will be neglected on the weekends, or staying involved to protect Mom, I prefer to protect Mom for the time left she has on this Earth.  It boils down to this question for me:  "WWJD?"

Bones
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BonesMS

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Re: Frustration with a Friend
« Reply #26 on: July 23, 2007, 07:25:40 AM »
::::CLAPPING!::

Oh what the heck, lol?

::doing the snoopy dance::

You asserted yourself and didb't spend time walking around fuming at your friend for things she did to her mom.

Really outstanding..... 

Good for you!

Loved the paper lantern story.

Too bad you can't block what comes out of your friend's mouth: / 

Hmmm.... friend? 

Thanks, Lighter!

Bones
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BonesMS

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Re: Frustration with a Friend
« Reply #27 on: July 23, 2007, 07:27:33 AM »
Dear Bones,
  If you forgive me the irreverence but I can see " Bones Travel Guide". You go to the Great Wall of China .                                                                 
                                         

 :lol:  Thanks, Ami!   :lol:

Bones
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Hopalong

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Re: Frustration with a Friend
« Reply #28 on: July 23, 2007, 07:45:12 AM »
Bones...I'm very touched by your feeling a commitment to an elderly woman with Alzheimer's who a family friend but not a relative.

Can I come live in your village when I'm old? We all need to look out for each other like that.

love
Hops
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lighter

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Re: Frustration with a Friend
« Reply #29 on: July 23, 2007, 12:24:28 PM »
Bones..... I'm curiouse.

What was your friend's mother like, in your opinion?

The song...."if ya want nice kids.... be nice to your kids" comes to mind.

She seems to have raised some very selfish N'ish children.

From where you sat as a child, and with some hindsight, what happened?  In your opinion.

I'm raising children now.  I want them to be confident and strong.... able to create and defend healthy boundaries.

I don't want them to be pushy and mean, selfish and unable to form loving human bonds and unable to feel  appropriate responsibility towards loved ones. And require it for themselves.

My feeling is that people are born with a certain character and parents either minimize it or make it larger.

What do you think?