Is there a point I do not get?

[Lupita]

I always react badly infront of injustice. My friend asked me to go to the beach on Sunday. I said that I could only go on Saturday. She did not call me on Saturday She called me today Sunday and asked me again if I wanted to go. I said that if I could come back on time for my dance lesson I would go. Then she said that I have to see her at the mall. I said I do not want to go to the mall. I do not want to go on Sunday anyway. She said that it would be disrespectful not to go to the mall. I said if that is disrespectful I will not go.
Another friend asked me to go to the beach but she had already decided where, and at what time, she just needed somebody to put car and to drive and put gasoline.
I do not know if I am wrong but feel that everybody wants to use me.
Why I am unable to find friends? honest friends? Is that the way all friends are? Is that the way life is? What am I not understanding? is there a message that I do not get?
Why I cant be happy with friends and go out? Why do I feel uncomfortable? Was I manipulated or it is only my idea? Am I imagining things? I know that that friend is a spinner, self centered, almost narcissistic. But if I know, why can I just be normal and say no? I could have said no since the moment I answered the phone. Why do I feel obligated to say yes to something I donot want? Why is she insisiting insomething I already said no one week ago? Why does she ask the same question again?
My other friends do not invite me for important things. I always end up alone. Nobody cares. What am I doing wrong?

[mountainspring]

Hi Lupita,

I see disrespect here, but it is your friend who is disrespecting you.  You have every right to spend your time the way you need too.  You have no obligation to go to the mall with her.  It's perfectly okay for Sunday or any other day to have other plans.  Your friend sounds self centered and doesn't sound like she can hear you very well.  You are not imagining things.  It sounds like you understand pretty well what the situation is.  You're practicing your boundaries and doing a great job.

(((Lupita))))

[Certain Hope]

Hello Lupita,

I can't really add much to what Mountainspring said, just to agree that I also think you're doing well...
and I'm sorry it feels so lonely during the time when we're practicing that boundary-setting.

I do believe that will change, though... and that you'll see... as those boundaries get firmed up and the "at their convenience" sort of casual "friends" fade into the background, you'll make other more genuine, caring friends. Those'll be people who don't care so much what the event or outing is... they just enjoy being together with you.

Hope

[Lupita]

Thank you for your notes. Thank you. God bless you.

[pennyplant]

I agree with Hope and Mountainspring.  My opinion is that there just are not very many people who have healthy attitudes towards others.  Most people seem to have established a circle of family and friends that they have had since childhood and they stay in that pattern for the rest of their lives.  Those of us who do not have that for various reasons have to go along carefully.  We don't have as much to choose from.  And I think it is right for us to be choosy.  You are coming along.  You will meet good people eventually who can be mutual with you.  Making yourself strong and healthy comes first. 

Pennyplant

[Hopalong]

Hi Lupita,
I've made some of my best women friends as a result of doing meaningful group things with them. Women's support group, church covenant group, volunteer things. Somehow purely social ("let's do something...go somewhere...") don't seem to be as mutual.

YES there are good friends out there. It's good to practice saying Yes, No, That Works for Me, That Doesn't, I Can Do This But Not That, etc (without emotion--that's the trick...saying no, or setting limits, needs to have no shame or resentment etc attached).

One good shrink once said to me, In a healthy system, you're always free to comment.

I think social transactions can feel so loaded to children of Ns that we don't know that Yeses and Nos and Maybes (boundaries) can simply be information or comment, not a challenge to our equilibrium.

Hops

[Gaining Strength]

Lupita, I am sort of where you are.  I have few if any friends. And I used to have a very hard time saying no to things that did not interest me.  It took me years to figure out why.  I had a hard time saying NO because I was never allowed my own voice by my parents. 

The friend problem is a newer problem for me but I have adopted an attitude from Wayne Dyer that I will find myelf surrounded by the friends and resources that I need.  I keep in mind, that is a picture in my mind, of the type of friends and the type of life that I want.  This actually makes sense to me.  I keep working to be the kind of person I want to be and I believe in my heart that the type of friends I long for will manifest inmy life.

Don't ask, "what is wrong with me?"  Nothing is wrong with you.  Keep you eye open for the types of people you want to have a friends.  Imagine what they are like and imagine that they are present with you now.  They will come.  You will see. - your friend GS

[gratitude28]

If you feel uncomfortable, go with your instincts.
I have had a lot of times in my life when I was unable to find real friends. I think it can be cyclical... or just random. Either way, there will be times when you don't have good people. Maybe this is a sign that you need some time alone until the right friend comes along. Do you go to places where you could find people you have something in common with? That might be a good way to meet someone new and find out slowly if that person could be a good friend.
(((((((((((((((((Lupita)))))))))))))))))))
Love, Beth

[Lupita]

Thank you so much for your notes. Setting bounderies is very difficult. I want to have friends. Not spinners. Not manipulators.
Almost impossible. It seems  that everybody sees my problems.
My "friend" , I do not want to go out with her anymore. I introduced her to my literature club and now she is more friends with them than me. I am fed up with her. I will not drive for her anymore. I will not fight with her and wont tell her. I will just keep my distance. She called yesterday and I did not answer. She always calls me while she drives from a place to other. So, yesterday I did not answer. I called her back at night instead. She does not like that because she is with her husband. I know. So now if she wants to talk to me, it will be at night. I do not want to be with her anyway. She si too self centered. She triggers me, she makes me disgusted. I proposed a meeting at the beach and she opposed. I introduced her to that club. And she voted no, when she is not even going to that meeting because she is going on a trip. So, why, why to vote against my idea if she is not even to go there. Then she told me that she was recieving e mails from people that were originally my friends and I was not recieving them. So I sent e mail and ask everybody to check if I was in the list. Then she said that she never had any problem with my e mail. She is having games with me. I hate her. She is just like my mother. I have to get away from her. But I donot want to get away from my club. I have to find the way to distance her without getting away from my club.

[Lupita]

She makes me feel so uncomfortable that I cant stop thinking about her and how to get away from her. I do not enjoy my club anymore just because of her. I am going to find people like her all the time. I need to be able to put up ot to cope or to deal with this kind of people with out suffering. What can I do?

[Lupita]

wow CB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!   You rock!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

CB, I wish i could have you close.

[Lupita]

CB, you are wise. I am 50, how old are you? How come I feel like I am 15 and in high school? I promise you I am not slefish. I am a good person. But I came to discover that I am so immature.

[Lupita]

CB, these are the posts that I appreciate. The ones that focus on solutions, not that focus un problems. The problem we need to expose, but once it is explained, the only think is to focus on the solution. I donot like when we go in circles and go around and around witching about the same thing.
Thank you CB

[gratitude28]

Lupita,
We are still a bit immature because we never got to work through these things as normal young adults did. It's still trial and error - just at an older age
Love, Beth

[pennyplant]

Hey, Lupita, I'm 14 inside and 46 outside.  I bet a lot of us here have that same situation.

Your situation with the "friend" you introduced to the book club reminds me of my situation with my neighbor.  CB's idea of you also triggering her is interesting.  I was wondering if that is what is going on with my neighbor but I didn't have the words for it.  I thought more of her projecting onto me.  She is definitely triggering me.

Anyway, the suggestions to focus on the positives of your book club will work eventually.  And it is entirely possible that the other members are not aware of the problems with your "friend".

I hope she loses interest soon and just fades away since she is wrecking your peace.  My own experience is that these types tend to be territorial, though.  Often it is us who ends up leaving.  I've got my fingers crossed for you.

Pennyplant