Why I am not a Narcissist

[steve]

I have been thinking about this whole narcissist nightmare that I had to endure. At the same time I realized that a great deal of my co-dependence has been because of repressed narcissistic tendencies. Most likely repressed because of feelings of guilt and shame. And who do you think used those tools? Of course, the Narcissist in their weakness. They are such and I am different. Below is an exposition of the traits of NPD and my reply to each and everyone:

Has a grandiose sense of self-importance.
Absolutely not, I recognize my nothingness but at the same time value myself above all others.

Is preoccupied with fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love.
Absolutely not; success and power are for those who seek their value from others. Fantasies of brilliance, beauty, and ideal love are just that, fantasies. I am realistic as to my limitations, but that does not prevent me from using them to the best of my abilities.

Believes that he or she is "special" and unique and can only be understood by other special people.
Yes I am special and I am unique. But others are also the same. Yes some people understand me better than others, but such is life.

Requires excessive admiration.
I do not live for others.

Strong sense of entitlement.
I am entitled to what I can possess, and that just depends on my preferences and abilities.

Takes advantage of others to achieve his or her own ends.
Yes, I aim to achieve my own end, but I also realize the value of cooperation. But I realize it as a value for me, not others. It is what defines me, my character.

Lacks empathy.
Yes I can feel other people's emotions, but I at the same time realize that it is their feelings and not mine. How I act will depend on my choice and my objectives.

Is often envious or believes others are envious of him or her.
I am never envious of others because that would require me to value myself relative to others. I choose instead to value myself as I see fit and do not need affirmation from others. Envy is the domain of the weak. Yes, others may at times be envious of me, but that is just a result of their weakness.

Arrogant affect.
This makes no sense to me. Why should I be arrogant? I would only be if I depended on other's putting a value on me. No, I may be pleased if they value me highly, but at the end of the day, I am the only one who decides how I value myself.

Enjoy!
Steve

[Portia]

Much enjoyment Steve, thank you

maybe all I have to do now is stop feeling so: afraid, or curious, or responsible, or involved....whenever I see envy, dislike, arrogance, fear in others - in response to me. Maybe I don't feel those things any more really.....maybe when i see those things in people, their reaction to me, maybe at the end of the day I just feel sad. I remember a woman in a hotel taking an instant dislike to me. I couldn't work it out (like it was my responsibility to work it out!) and I wonder what it was she saw, or thought she saw. Who knows. Who cares! 

No, I may be pleased if they value me highly, but at the end of the day, I am the only one who decides how I value myself.

I've been knocked down many times for trying to voice this. It's worrying how many people I've met who would say that is arrogant, to value yourself against your own standards. As though it's against the prevailing culture: only other people may judge your value. "You think a lot of yourself don't you?" "Yes i do."

[Ami]

dear Steve,
    How did you get such good confidence?                                 Warmly    Ami

[steve]

Ami:

It was on sale at Walmart!

Just kidding, we need a sense of humor after all because this whole affair is so comical.

That courage that you speak of lives in us all. We all have the ability to finally decide what is important and what is not important. Unfortunately we have been trained, like obedient dogs, just how not to behave. Selfishness is seen as a sin. And if you do not obey, either you will be punished physically or emotionally. I trust that emotionally is more damaging and longer lasting.

We have been taught to think of others first. Why? What a stupid concept! Whoever believes that we have a limited life would have to be a fool to follow such a doctrine. Everyday that I place myself behind others is another day that my life has been wasted. So why have we been taught this? Simple, because those calling the shots are better off.

In my case I was meant to feel the following:
    My father is superior to me and always will be
    I am not to do anything to emberass the family
    I owe a debt for the expenses that my parents incurred in bringing me up
    I am nothing unless I can show that I am more successful than others (except my father of course)
    We have to behave "good" in the community because their opinion matters
    Religion
    State

Choose your poison. It is all the same. Either you live for yourselves or you live for others. I choose myself.

Steve

[Ami]

Are you married or have a girlfriend?                             JUST KIDDING                           Ami

[lupine]

Are you married or have a girlfriend?   

 

[steve]

This self awareness stuff works. Two offers in one day.

Thanks for making me feel good, and yes, i am single. Be happy! Thats all that matters.

Steve

[Hopalong]

Steve,
What did you do with Steve?

 

It's wonderful to hear you and see how you've broken out of that trap.

Kudos.

Hops

[Lupita]

Hop, I find it arrogant. Is it a cultural barrier? am I not understanding what i read? Please, friends explain to me. Sorry Steve. English is my second language and I might be not understanding but I find your post arrogant. Like you find an excuse for everything. Probably I am mistaken. Please, dont get offended. I am just trying to understand.
God bless you.

[steve]

Lupita:

All my life I have been walked on. People has used me and taken advantage of my sensibilities.

Now I have decided to change. I assure you, that I am not arrogant.

But, then again, what you believe is entirely up to you. It does not matter one bit to me what you think. I don't mean that to be mean, but instead, it is the entire point of my argument. All that matters to me is me and what I choose to value. If I choose to value your opinion, then it would matter what you thought, but it would only matter because I let it be so, and in the end, I am still the center of my concern.

I hope this helps, if not, I can elaborate further,

Steve

[Lupita]

. "It does not matter one bit to me what you think."


That sounds mean. I post here because I value the opinion of these people. These people have helped me a lot. And I come and read, and read. And I always thank them for taking the time to write me.

Yes, I would like more leaborations. Why? Because I would like to develop some of what you have. No at the point where you are that you do not care, but yes, I would love to be able not to suffer for what other people do or think. Because at the end I cannot control what others think. I can only control what I think.

So, yes, I think I can find a lot of help with you. I do not want to suffer anymore.

What did you do to change? How do you develop a sense of self confidence that it does not matter what others think? I wish i could do that.

[steve]

Lupita:

It is not meant to be mean. In fact, I am a very gentle person. I know how to respect others and ask the same in return.

Respect is one thing. I do not wish to impose on other people because I recognize in them a certain dominion as I recognize that dominion in myself. However, I am respectful because it reflects my character. I value being a decent person because it serves me. If I valued it because it serves others, then I would be doing nothing more than living my life for other people. So, yes, you can be a decent person and have all positive attributes you wish. But do not lose sight of the fact that you are doing it solely for yourself.

When we start to think of others, we enter in the realm of submission if we put their value or their measure above our own.

Simply make yourself the pinnacle of your decision making. Bring out from yourself that which serves you best. Work with other people because this also serves you. Do "good" if you like, but never disguise it as altruism. Always realize that you are doing it for yourself. Do not be a hypocrite.

We live only once! So lets not waste it on others or fantasies of serving others. Be honest with yourself and if it means doing good for others, then simply admit that you are doing it for yourself. Bring that buried YOU out from the slumber of your past. Let it shine as has no other YOU shined before. You are worthy enough because you are your own judge. No one has any say as to how you measure yourself , other than yourself.

I hope this helps,

Steve

[Certain Hope]

Lupita, maybe this will help....

Confidence versus Arrogance
There is a difference and it comes in the attitude. One can be extremely confident and not at all arrogant.
Dictionary.com defines confidence as follows:
A feeling of assurance, especially of self-assurance.
Arrogance, on the other hand, is defined as: overbearing pride evidenced by a superior manner toward inferiors.

Note the difference. Nowhere in the definition of confidence do we see the words “overbearing” or “pride”,
nor does it describe an attitude towards others.
Confidence is an attitude about one’s self and arrogance is an attitude directed at others.


Steve,

This seems both wise and honest to me:  "If I choose to value your opinion, then it would matter what you thought, but it would only matter because I let it be so, and in the end, I am still the center of my concern."
Also this:
Do "good" if you like, but never disguise it as altruism. Always realize that you are doing it for yourself. Do not be a hypocrite.

I think that substituting God for the words "I" and "yourself" in these statements also gives a great Christian perspective on these things. Thanks for the food for thought.

Hope

[Ami]

Dear Steve,
    Rock on  .                                                                        Love    Ami

[motheroffour]

Steve,

Hi. Nice to meet you.  Glad to hear a male voice.

 My husband grew up in an N family.  But he doesn't feel overtly victimized by it the way I do.  He doesn't have any traumatic memories or painful clashes that he can recall.  I don't know exactly how to describe it.  His feelings were manipulated and his voice was skwelched (is that a word?) but he felt like he was part of an elete family.  Like he was blessed.  Maybe a little of the golden child syndrome here.  The both of us have just come to understand the role that N has played.  He is now afraid that he is a N or that maybe he has N tendancies.  It is difficult for me to see how someone so gentle and ammiable and easy can be an N.  But he also has tremendous difficulty with empathy, with really loving other people and with things that look like problems (they destroy his happiness).  Lots and lots of denial.  Can you shed any light on this?  Sounds like you are trying to put the question for yourself to rest.

--mof4