How to set bounderies?

[Lupita]

I do things I do not want. I hate my self after the fact and I hate the person after the fact. But they tell me, I asked you and you said yes. I know. I did not want to say yes. I need so much that somebody to love me that I do things I do not want to. How can I improve that? Why I cant say no at the right moment? How can I overcome that? But at the moment I get paralized. I cant think. I do not respond. The same problem over and over. How to fix this problem.
I am so mad at my self!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
   I am reluctant to give my opinion. I think that you want a "cookie cutter" answer like do this or do that. I think that the only answer is to  love yourself. I think that other "glib" answers will not work. You are already doing things that you love like dancing. You are going out with people and trying to make new friends or keep up with old friends.
   I think that it is not working b/c you are going out without an essential ingredient. It is like a person going out without pants and wondering why people are looking at them ,strangely..
   I think that you are at a crossroads. You have tried everything to feel better . None of it heals the pain inside or makes your life work better on the outside.
  I think that you need an intensive  program of self love.
    How to do it? For me, the place that is essential is the Bible. The only way that I could let go of ALL the messages of worthlessness is to replace them with what God thinks of me.
Also, I have noticed that when I am crying tears that are gut wrenching--- a little voice will comfort me. When I am at that point that I PRAY and WISH that I had a mother's arms--- a voice will whisper" something very,very healing to me.It happenend again,last night. Now, I think that I will expect it, rather than be surprised.
   I am at the beginning stages of figuring out "relationships". I think that a person has to be whole before one will work. I wish that I were further along on this. However, for you, I think that you cannot go forward with all this pain and self 'hatred" and have your life work.(I am speaking for myself,also)
   I think that we are making a cake(our life) and forgetting the central ingredient( self love and respect)
   I hope that my words conveyed the love , caring and respect that I have for you.      Love  Ami

[Lupita]

Ami, I totally understand you, and I agree with you. But at the mean time, we need tools to cope and survive while we finish the total resucitation.

For example. When a patient comes bleeding to a hospital the first tep is put an IV line, and take care of the airway. Airway and IV line. Not pressure on the wound, not find the origin of bleeding. But Airway and put an IV line. You need to type and cross match. If you do not have blood to transfuse immediately, it takes a few minutes you have to start with Normal Saline. To resucitate the shock. We know that the patient needs a blood transfusion, but that takes a few minutes. At the mean time you have to do something to keep the patient alive while the surgeon comes and take him to the OR and while the blood arrives.

The same way there are many things that we can do to be able to be functional while at the mean time you do your deep cleaning.

Those are the things I am looking for right now. I cannot afford a therapist. 60.00 per session is the lowest I could find. I do not have that.

So I only read and do things on my own. At least now I know ehre the problem is. Just need tools to survive while I can resucitate my self and put some moeny together and go to therapist next school year.

There are many people here who are at a more advanced stage in healing and they can help us.

But you are totally right, that I need to fix the deep, the insight, I need cognitive therapy. I am religious person too. Read the bible. But the bible causes me more pain than benefit. I do not want to put the other chick. I did that all my life. I want to stand up for my self. That is the proble, I do not know how to do it.
Ami, do not be reluctant to post, no matter what you think, it is what you think.

And it is always welcome. You are a great person. Thank you ofr taking the time of talking to me in here. I wish I had you close.

[Lupita]

CB, that is a wonderful idea. I will not get paralized. I will say let me think about it and get back to you. I willd o that. I will. I will not get paralized.

Thank you CB.

[Ami]

Dear Lupita,
   It is really horrible that people have used the Bible to 'whack" people over the head  and as a stick . God love is what the Bible is about. I am really glad that I grew up agnostic b/c  I had no bad history  with "religion".
   The thing that helps me to find self love( and you can see my struggle) is that the God who made this universe came to die b/c he valued me. I have no "inherent" value-- just that the Master cares for me. He looks down  me and talks to me. The Master loves me. I insult him by hating myself. I am telling Him that He made a mistake ,.I insult Him when I have fear. I have been doing EVERYTHING wrong. I am asking His forgiveness for hating myself and treating His creation(me) so abominably.He forgives me. I need to forgive myself .However,gradually, I am receiving His love. This is the path that I am on--- my voice-.only.
  I see that any progress that I make toward self love will be from this root.This is the only way that I know of to go in the direction of self love and healing .                                       Love  Ami
 
   

[Lupita]

Everybody is different and that makes the world a wonderful world. If everybody was the same, it would be horrible.
I hope that works for you. For me, at this point, I only want things to do, to be able to survive while I get moeny for therapy.

That idea of I will think about it and call you back, is just perfect. If I do not get paralized and say yes before I say that. I hope I can do it.

I will. I do not want to hate my friend. I do not want to. I am just so mad at her.

Iwill buy that book. Bounderies. I know there are many good threads here about bounderies. I just dont know where. If you rememeber and can give me the cite or the number of the thread or the date. Please. Let me know.

I dont want to go over the whole several years or board.

Thank you. God bless you.

[chris2]

Lupita;

While you work on being more assertive of your own needs, here are some phrases to use. For me, they've been the catalyst to being more assertive: it helps to have tools when you're need to build something.

In response to an outrageous request, from Judith Martin, aka Miss Manners, the phrase that changed my life:

"I wish I could help you, but I'm afraid I can't"

"Why can't you?"

"I'm afraid it's impossible."

"But why not?" (note that the other person is WAY out of bounds by asking again)

"I'm sorry, but I can't help you."

NEVER add in some little helper like "Maybe another time" or you'll get "well when?"

The keys: polite words, an unequivocal refusal, NO EXCUSES, repeat, repeat, repeat

When someone tries to manipulate you. You want to say no, but you feel sooo guilty about it: From Susan Forward: Emotional Blackmail

"I'll think about it."

"I need an answer now!"

"I'm sorry, but I'll have to think about it."

"When will you let me know?"

"When I've thought about it. I don't know how long that will take."

The keys: no commitment, no embroidering on the basic statement, REPEAT

If someone asks you to make ANY major decision, whether you want to say yes or not:

"I'll have to talk to my manager/check my schedule/discuss it with my attorney/think about it. When do you need an answer?"

When someone violates your boundaries with a nosy question: (From Dear Abby)

"Why do you want to know?"

<some bad reason>

"Oh. Do you have the papers for me to take to our manager? (or other legitimate question)"

When someone says something invasive or insulting (or is just wasting your time): Look them straight in the eye and say:

"Is there something I can help you with?"

"No, I just wanted to...."

"Ok, then thanks for stopping by, but I have to..." (followed by walking away, shutting the door, turning away, hanging up the phone)

When a stranger is getting ready to waste your time, interrupt with:

"Thanks but I'm not interested. Good bye." (followed by walking away, shutting the door, hanging up the phone)

When a stranger pretends to be an acquaintance, usually on the phone (note...nothing substitutes for www.donotcall.gov, and caller ID is a close second)

"Hi! How are you?"

"Fine. What is this about?"

I hope one or more of these is useful

Chris2

[debkor]

Lup,


There is no way to go about this but like CB said, I'll think about it or plain out No, No, I really don't want to do that.

I have one friend who cannot say No either and has the same feelings as you.  There was especially one friend who use to ask her for everything and she could not say No even when she wanted to.  She would get so mad at herself and the friend.

She now has her phone hooked up to the answer machine so she can hear who's calling and decided when she wants to pick up and when not.  With this friend she will call back so she can *think* about what she will say if asked to do something she does not want to.   She prepares herself and practice saying NO before she's put on the spot.

It has worked really well for her.  Now she can answer and when asked say No I don't really like that.  Or no I really can't do that. And even sometimes she says, sure I'll do that. This is how she keeps herself from being frozen and the YES come into play first words.  This way you have time to think of what may come.

Maybe that can be of help for you too.  Get yourself Prepared before put on the spot.
Now it's coming natural to her and she will just come out and say No can't do that without the machine and it's Ok. 

Deb

[Lupita]

Thank you so much for so many wonderful Ideas. That same friend asked me if my son smoked marijuana. I was so upset that I told her "If he did I do not think he would tell me"  Then she knew I was upset and she seid that her daughter was a virgin. I promise you that her daughter is not a virgin. I know that. I have not seen it but I heard it. She is 18, she works, I do not believe she is a virgin. But, did I have the cohones to tell her? NO. I kept quiet and let her brag about her daughter's virginity. I also appreciate that kid a lot, and I would not cause her a problem with her stupid mother. BUt at that moment I was very upset.
One of those phrases that Cris is giving me would have been perfect at that moment.
I have to practice.
I am so mad. That I cannot enjoy the day. I am just revolving around her, my thoughts are uncontrolable.
I am scared that she is going to turn all the club against me and they will kick me out. How can I live like that.
God, give me peace. I will be fine. I will be fine. I will be fine. I have not done anything wrong.

[Hopalong]

"Does your son smoke marijuana?"

"Gosh, he'd have my hide if I talked about him with my friends."

"Does he?"

"I'll think about answering that question and get back to you."

[chris2]

Thank you so much for so many wonderful Ideas. That same friend asked me if my son smoked marijuana.

"If he wants you to know he'll tell you." (But your response sounded truthful and plain and I see nothing wrong with it.)

Then she knew I was upset and she seid that her daughter was a virgin.

"My goodness. I thought the days when a woman's reproductive organs were everyone's business were over!"

But, did I have the cohones to tell her? NO. I kept quiet and let her brag about her daughter's virginity.

"I need to get back to work. Was there something you wanted?"

I have not done anything wrong.

Yanno Lupita, that IS the good part. For a long time I've believed that with narcissists all you can walk away with is your dignity and your integrity. You did that. You did what was right in the face of overwhelming temptation to be as childish as this woman was.  You have NOTHING to be ashamed of. Once you've practiced saying "no," you'll be home free with no regrets. This woman will never be able to say as much. GOOD FOR YOU!

Chris2

[Overcomer]

I use words like "I am going to have to check my schedule and her back with you" or "I am sorry but I am already booked at that time."  Or you can use the third party excuse "I need to ask my H about that."  Or try this "I am just no good at watching children."  I use the extremely busy boundary a lot.  It is hard because we do not want to hurt peoples feelings but if you are the one who feels bad or used then try to take your power back.  It really takes practice and now I do not feel bad.

[lighter]

Hi.... so glad to see you back, Lupita.

Sorry you're having trouble with this nosy friend.  She's not really a friend if she makes you feel that way, btw. 

When you're uncomfortable, you're not where you belong.  Time to make a move and spend less time with this one.

Also, time to fill your life with things Lupita DOES want to do......
 and feel OK when you say NO to innapropriate requests on your time and energy.

BTW.... it's ok to sit and eat Fritos on your sofa in front of SIX FEET UNDER reruns if you want to.  You can say you're busy and not have to explain what it is you'll be doing.  You can just say.... "Sorry,  I can't.  I'll be busy."  And leave it at that.  Then go and enjoy time to yourself or with others doing anything you feel like doing.

That's what Lupita has to get used to.  Saying YES to Lupita's needs......
 and feeling Ok about it.