It happens less often than it used to.

[Sela]

Hi everyone:

I don't even know how to put this into words properly.  I feel like a complete bimbo and a contradiction to my own beliefs on days like this.  I woke up this morning feeling like all the trauma happened yesterday.  Before my eyes are even open there are tears slipping out of them and my heart feels like it's being torn appart.  The pain inside is cutting and raw.  I feel like a bleeding vessel.

And I feel like a victim.  It was all done to me.  I know I have a part too but anything I did was by mistake, while wanting to do the right thing or in ignorance.  These people did stuff to hurt me, that they knew would hurt me!   I've been betrayed by just about every single person I've ever loved or cared about.  So many lies were told and believed.  The truth is, I am powerless to change any of that and I know it.  I can only change me but even that isn't going the way I'd like it to.

The thoughts take over until I feel a great frustrated despair.  Why me?  Hadn't I been through enough already?  This is too much!  Everyone has a limit and it feels like mine is reached.  Like one more major heartbreak will do me in.  I won't be me anymore after that.

I've already changed from who I was and it doesn't seem like I'll ever get me completely back.   It's like some other me....a hurt, lost, messed up me can rise up and pour out tears, on any day at all.  And why does that happen?  And will it ever stop?

I don't like to bother other people.  I don't like to complain or ask for help.  I've always been strong and independant and it just goes against everything in me to be weak and needy but that's how I feel on days like this.  Like I just need to curl up in a ball and maybe someone will throw a blanket over me.  Then I can be out of sight.  At least it happens less often than it used to.  It's been nearly 7 years.   One would think it should soon quit?

I don't wanna think about this junk any more and have my days upset and feel emotionally upset like I do.  And most days, I guess I do a good job of living my life the way I want to and the only thing I can think of to explain why this still happens is that I must still have more to grieve....more anger to come out.....more loss to accept.  Then I get myself all worked up trying to accept losses that haven't even happened yet. 

And then I feel guilty because I have such a good life, otherwise, so much to be thankful for and truly I have no excuse for allowing myself to get in a state like this, compared to what other people are suffering in the world right now.  I wish none of it had happened!  None of it!  Ofcourse I can't turn back time.  I can only remember what it was like before.  And I do and it pains my heart to remember.

Ofcourse, tomorrow I'll be fine again.  As if today wasn't like this.  I'll feel good and think what an idiot I was yesterday.  How I wasted another day.

Sela

[Ami]

Dear Sela,
   It sounds like you are healing--- rather than going "backward" or "failing" in some way. You are owning emotions that are inside you. If you don't own them , they will 'own" you.
  How much more pain can you take? I ask that question when I am really hurting so badly. I" scream "it out b/c I feel like I will break.
   It helps to write it down and communicate ,as you did. People will write and give you love, comfort and solace.
  Just knowing that you are not alone helps. You are not alone. I understand  the feelings of betrayal. and aloneness that is so stark, as you are describing it.
  I think that an underlying issue is that you are not forgiving yourself-- either for an action or for being a victim.
  I blamed myself for my mother victimizing me. I blamed myself for things that other people did to me. Also, I blamed myself for how I reacted. I always thought that I should have been different. I did not put the responsibility on the person who did it( mother, husband). I took it.
   I hear you doing the same thing. Also,if you 'screwed up". you can apologize.The Bible allows for repentance b/c we need it. If we did not need it, it would not be in there(IMO)
                                           Keep Sharing--- Both "weaknesses" and strengths       Love  Ami

[motheroffour]

Sela,

I have no wisdom on this....only deep understanding of the length of the struggle.  Feeling the pain welling up and spilling over!  Wondering why I haven't mourned enough or accepted enough.  Feeling like it is too much!  Feeling like I have wasted another day.  I don't like to bother anyone either, yet I find myself so needy.   I hear myself in your comments!

All I have is this imaginary blanket I am sending you....and a cd of fantastic music.....a massage therapist....and aroma scented candles!
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers today.

-mof4

ps.  Question for all:  Why does this continue to happen?  WHY?!?  When is the mourning of the losses enough?  When will the pain stop?  These  are moments when I feel like the woman in the New Testament with the issue of blood for 12 years, pushing her way through the crowd if only to touch the Saviors hem.

[WRITE]

One would think it should soon quit?

my experience is that trauma doesn't quit so much as quieten, but it can trigger up and return from time to time.

Someone told me they don't fight the feelings, just let them wash around and say a mantra about beign safe or whatever is meaningful to you, that's what I try to do durign my mood swings too.

There's a sense of 'this shouldn't be happening' which causes panic and makes more distress, I am learning to accept it and just wait for it to pass, and believing it will.

Don't think of it as a wasetd day either, nothign is wasted, your body or mind just needs a time out.

My new psychiatrist said all illness is a stress response on some level, I guess we need to offload these things or we get sick.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

[motheroffour]

Hello Write!

Love those words.  They seem wise.  I have a question....

Everytime the pain does rear its ugly head, is that another layer of the pain trying to get out?  And if you do accept and go with it, then are you helping yourself extract the "poison" so to speak?  Is it just that these wounds are so deep that it does take years and years for healing?

Sorry.  This thread really hits home for me.  I think I do panic.  I do think "why is this happening, again?".  And even more than that, I am tired.

--mof4

[moonlight52]

Oh Sela ,

It seems we can be taken by surprise when we feel we are done with sad and hurtful feelings and then we are going thru them again .
But now it does look like it does happen less and holding on when we experience them is sort of like surfing thru the waves.
I am glad you can see the waves at a distance and know they will be over soon.

P.S. It happens less for me too.

so much love to you Sela,

moonlight

[Certain Hope]

I'm sorry you're in pain, Sela.

It helps me to remember that God wastes nothing... and that He does work all these things out to the good of those who love Him and are called according to His purpose. Doesn't feel that way in the midst of it, but I know no other way through the valley than to stand on that truth.

With prayers,
Hope

[JanetLG]

Sela,

I'm so sorry you're having a bad day. The feelings do seem to quieten down over time, with me, and I get angry too when they rise up and hit me again. I suppose it's just a process, that gradually fades in its intensity. Possibly it'll never go away completely, but learning coping strategies helps, and allowing yourself to feel bad sometimes helps too - to go around with a silly big grin on your face when you feel dreadful would just be inauthentic, really, wouldn't it? We're all allowed to have bad days.

Chocolate helps, with me!(Something to do while I'm under that blanket you mentioned    )

Janet

[Sela]

Thankyou all for your quick and kind supportive words.

Ami, thankyou for being first to pipe up and say that I am owning my emotions.  I never thought about it like that...that if I don't own them, they will own me.  That makes sense to me.  It helps. And also you saying I'm not alone.  It helps to know I'm not the only one who feels like this sometimes (not that I wish this on anyone....just that it feels good to be understood).  Thankyou again.

About forgiving myself.  I think you're right.  I think I do blame myself for my poor choices and I am angry at myself for not reacting the way everyone expected.  I have apologized but I don't think I'm forgiven because my apologies were not even acknowledged.  It happens here sometimes too and I wonder?  What's wrong with my words?  Why don't I choose the right ones?  So ya.....I blame myself when possibly, it's not my words but others not choosing to accept them that's to blame?  How am I supposed to figger it out?  I don't want to make things worse, so I ignor their ignoring and I guess I'd rather take the blame.  My own worst enemy.....me.

And it's not that I don't value myself, I don't think either.  I think it's because I value others and truly do not want to make false assumptions and I trust my perception, most but not all of the time.  So sometimes, I just can't tell and rather than make a big fuss, I choose to be satisfied with just apologizing and leave the acceptance up to other people.  But later on, I feel like I haven't done any good.  I might as well have not said a word.  What good does it do if nobody even says:  "I hear"?

Mof4, thankyou for your soothing gifts and for expressing your understanding (which also helps me feel not so alone).  I guess I don't feel worthy of touching that hem.  There are others who deserve to touch it more than I do and so I feel guilty for even longing to.

I'm tired too.  The way you worded your questions are what it feels like to me too.....poison ....layers coming off......deep wounds that take years .....(and I'll add....to finish oozing).   It probably does take years, in some cases.  It is like poison...the pain, the traumatic memories, etc.....and it does feel like layers coming off.  I just wonder how many layers does this onion have?  Soon I'll just be like a naked onion ( serious joke there).

Hi Write.  Thanks for posting to you too.  So trauma only quietens?  You think?  Does that mean this will happen to me, occasionally, for the rest of my life?  Poo!!

Sorry.

Not what I want to hear or think or believe.  I want it to end.  Be over.  Heal.  Get done and be finished, at some point.  I don't want to be triggered!  I want the trauma to lose it's voice!!

Hey!  Maybe I'll try visualizing that?  Visualizing really does help me so I think I will.  I'll have to think of a picture of what trauma might look like and watch it yelling it's head off until finally......nothing comes out.  Maybe?  Thanks......that might be the mantra I need to see/hear/imagine/believe in/take comfort from.

Write, I know this will pass.  You are so right there!  It's just that I'm getting sick and tired of it even starting up.  I'm getting impatient.  I wasn't kidding when I said I need more patience and I do pray for it.  I will never have enough.

Thanks too, for saying it's not a waste of time....that my body/mind needs this.  I guess you're right.  I just feel like I should be doing something else.  I should be over all of this by now.  I shouldn't wake up crying and obsessing over stuff that happened years ago, that I can't change, nor should I be allowing myself to bask in my misery like this.  Well, I gues basking isn't really the right word because I don't feel like I'm enjoying it.  Maybe the right word is soak.....soak in it.

On the other hand, I know you're right.  We do have to go through the pain and if it's going to take years more, I'm willing to go through it.....to get it done.  I want it to be done now!!   Hurry up!!!!

I believe what your psych says too.  I really do believe that if we don't release our pain (which is a stress response), it will stay inside and cause illness.  So I guess it's good that it does come out, even if it is annoying......even if I am impatient and want it to end.  Logic tells me that I better be glad it's coming out at all.  Thanks Write.  And thanks for that enormous hug.  Are you part bear?

Hiya Moon.  Yes, thanks for your descriptions....it does feel like surfing waves and yep, it's a good thing to see the smooth sailing ahead.  I am grateful for it and for the fact that this truly does happen less often than it used to.  I am glad of that and I'm glad it happens less for you too.  We are two ships passing at sea eh?

I feel like  sounding a long horn blast every two minutes on days like this (which means, in ship-horn language....."we are in fog, are we on a collision course?").

Thanks for the love Moon.  Sending some back to you.

Hiya Hope, thanks for your post.  I believeGod is here with me and knows my suffering, so thanks for reminding me.  It does feel like a valley.....like emotions running fast down on a slippery grassy slope and then weak arm muscles grasping at roots and saplings and legs pushing hard into soft spaces, to pull and climb back out.  I think I have fear too.....that one of these days I'll be too weak to climb out.  That's when I'll have to remember your reminder again.  Thanks for your prayers too.

Hi there Janet, thanks to you too.  Ya, it's a process.  Maybe because it's happening less often than it used to, it is gradually fading, as you said?  That gives me hope that that will continue until there's not much left at all.  Thanks for that Janet.  Like you said (and Write)....maybe it never completely goes away?  Maybe you mean it can be triggered?  That I can get a grip on and not panic.  I just wonder how many more days like this I will have to ....tolerate?  Well, if it gets to a point where it's rare.....I'll be so glad!!

Chocolate?     I jokingly say "It cures everything!".   I do chocolate!!

Sela

[teartracks]

Hi Sela,

Sorry for the recurring raw pain.  I do hope that tomorrow is a better day. 

tt

[moonlight52]

Hey Sela ,

Your kindness is like a lighthouse to me.
Forgiving self to me that means people are human and make mistakes and then learn from them.

When the waves are fast It is so easy to be hard on yourself and there is no need to do that.
love to you Sela and thank you for all the support you have given me to see the light.

Hugs ,
moon

[CB123]

Sela,

My first impression when I read your post was that you were struggling under, not just this day, but all the other days of pain.  A lot of your post sounded as though it had all piled on you all over again--all the hurtful people all at once, all the painful days all at once.  Of course you feel overwhelmed!  You are dealing with all of it at the same time and you didnt even have to do that the first time you went through it!

Plus, you are beating yourself up for having the feelings--which is one more wound.  You are not a bimbo!   

Everyone has given such good advice.  I just wanted to thank you, Sela, for being my friend.  It means a lot to me.  You matter. 

Love
CB

[bigalspal]

Hi Sela,
I'm so sorry for your pain! I have days like this, too. I'll see some stupid mother-daughter commercial, all lovey-dovey & perfect & I'll just feel the pain all over again.
My bio dad left me when I was about 9months. I was watching "Gene Simmons Family Jewels" on A&E & he hurried home from a business trip to be in his daughter's father-daughter volleyball game & I had a painful moment.
I believe we all suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome. Like our veterans do.
After all, we've been to hell & back too! Just a different kind.
Take care friend,
Bigalspal

[JanetLG]

Sela,

About your 'naked onion' 'serious joke'...

I made an embroidered picture once (about twenty five years ago), after I'd seen one of those 'inspirational posters' that you used to see in all the card shops. I did a large image of an onion cut in half, with the leaves still on, but the cut surface showing all its detail. Next to it, I embroidered these words (from the poster):

Live simply.
Learn the art of shedding.
Of peeling away the layers,
Of reaching the pure, still centre.

I think that's possibly what happens each time we feel panicked by the recurring memories - we're just uncovering a layer of the onion. But one day, we'll get to the centre.

One other thing that was a bit spooky about my 'Onion Picture'...I put it into an exhibition of my embroidery the following year, and somebody bought it (Yay! Some money!).

The next time I went to visit my hypnotherapist, the picture was hanging up in his office - a gift from an ex-client, as a 'thank you' for the help he'd given her.

Isn't that strange?

Janet

[Hopalong]

Strange wonderful, Janet!

 

Hops