Grateful

[motheroffour]

Sometimes I fear that I get fixated on all of the problems in my life.  It feels heavy  and all consuming. And I feel trapped and tired.  My despair is all consuming and all to often wins the battle for stagetime in my brain.   I was thinking today about everything that has happened in the last three years that have been steps to my freedom.   Feeling like I needed to stop a minute and recognize them.  I feel so grateful to God.  Because it has literally been his hand in my life that has brought me this far.  I am remembering when things were so bad with my IL's.  We decided then (not knowing anything about N behavior) that we needed to leave.  We lived literally 1 mile from them.  My husband and I prayed together.  Within the week, an old college friend called my H and offered him a job as Creative Director at his Ad firm.  The pay was so much higher with excellent benefits, bonuses, and stock options.  We felt so good about it.  We put our house on the market right away.  It sold the first day, before I even had time to put out the sign.  It was so easy.  Makes me say, "is anything too hard for the Lord?"  This morning I sat with my girls (3 and 7 years).  We did our nails and hair together and then read books.  I was overcome with love for them.  I know I haven't shared much of this, but I have felt like my ability to love has been broken.  Like it was in there somewhere but I couldn't bring it out.  I have worried and mourned and plead with God to bring it back!  Today, I felt it!  It came so easy.  Like breathing.  I feel so grateful for that little blessing.  Maybe I am not dead after all.

I was thinking about all the people that he has put in my path to bless.  Like my neighbor friend who understood and came to the house with a cinnabun one day. Who would listen and pray for me.  Like the men from our church, who talked privately with my H with kindness and gentle understanding helping him to fight his addiction.  Like our T.  Who became my friend.  Who knew my spirit better than I did. 

Today I am grateful.  For my new house that sits on the banks of a lake.  For the colors of the water and peace it brings.  For the birds that sing around my house and the mountains the encircle us.  It is truly beautiful.  Maybe not to anyone else, but it is to me.

Through all of the loneliness I feel and all of the desperation to heal all the pain.  I realize how God really is moving the mountains in my path for me.

Thanks to those on this board who have taken an interest in me.  Little drops in a very empty bucket. 

--mof4

PS.  If anyone else has stuff they are grateful for, maybe you would like to share it.  Another opportunity to acknowledge the stuff that is going right amongst the rest of it all.......

[debkor]

MO4,

That's it!!!!  That was my first experience when being away from exN H. 

Hearing the birds (really hearing) laughter, smells, warm sun on my face, people around me. Even the show Family Matters sitting with my kids really enjoying everything.  Popcorn, Soda I can even remember where they were sitting.

I know what you are talking about. 

It is truly beautiful.  Maybe not to anyone else, but it is to me.

Me too Mo4


Isn't it GREAT!!

Deb

[isittoolate]

Mo4

What a lovely post! I am happy for you.

Much to my chagrin I do not have a relationship with God and I don't know why.

I do not want to be bombarded with religious talk. I have an N sister who had chosen some fundemtalist religion to hide behind and it sickens me when she says God has forgiven her all her mistakes, (cruelty to me) and she has forgiven herself, so that meant that nothing ever had to be mentioned again.

Well I mentioned one betrayal, when I was trying to put my life in order and I received the filthiest email back from her. It had to be a page long of the F*** word to introduce every noun, and was so filled with denial that that ended her for me.

I just responded with
"Wow! You sure had one mad on at me!"

When I was very little I was afraid of God. He punished bad little girls. I was a bad little girl. My parents said so.

If God Is working in my life, I don't know it!

Love
Izzy

[motheroffour]

Izzy,
I used to be afraid of God too.  Used to think He couldn't love a person like me. I was so, so bad! Now I know different!  I know how much he loves me.  Hard to explain in words.  Sometimes I think I supposed that God would be like the people I knew.  The Daddy that couldn't love me or see me even in the room.  Someone who would be so intolerant of the tiniest of mistakes.... I was blind.  Literally blind and deaf and dumb to his love.  Sometimes I think that is why all of this abuse is so devistating.  The lies about ourselves and about the nature of God get such a firm grip!  And separate us from Him.  Now I think I am seeing God in more of who He really is.  Sometimes I feel His love for me and I am sure he knows ME. Have felt Him cry with me me when the night was so dark and felt Him pick me up oh so gently and bring me to safety. Felt him withdraw so I could learn even when the lesson was so painful. And felt Him come back with comforts.   With His perfect parenting skills and his infinite love. 
Who am I, Izzy?  NOBODY!  I could die and not many would even notice.  But now I know that He would.  Can't always see Him working either.  Maybe that is why my post is written in hindsight....  He is working for you!  Not sure it matters to Him if we know it all the time. Kind of like a neighbor who mows your lawn and leaves food on your doorstep when you were in need and the note says "Anonymous".   Sometimes I have to ask Him to show me how he is working and why he  is or isn't doing what I think.  But,  I am sure  He is working in your life.  Absolutely sure!  Wish I could show you.  He certainly has trusted you with mighty challenges.  I am certain there is some great purpose in it.  Some great "instrument in His hands" thing.  Your spirit is big.  I can see it in your face, Izzy!   And so, knowing I can't see it all, I trust. (At least I do now. )

--mof4
(please forgive any bombardment of religious talk.  It is such a part of me....hard to separate it out for public consumption.)

p.s.  sorry about the letter from your sister.  The betrayals are big, aren't they?  And the injustices!  Those are the things I try (i emphasize "try") to give to God. 

[motheroffour]

Deb,

Like being released from a dark prison cell.  Everything tastes so sweet!

Glad you are free!

--mof4

ps.  I am a Deb too.

[isittoolate]

Thank you mo4

I do not deny Him or His Son. I do not doubt the Promise.

I cannot get the feeling, inasmuch as that is my problem, being disconnected from them.

I live from my mind because I cannot find my feelings. I am a logical thinker and only dismiss that which I truly do not believe because it is illogical or unproven on down to 'stupid'.

I am who you have seen in my posts--straight forward and no fancy delusions, and far less descriptive language than I see others are able to use.

Can you spell S-P-O-C-K?

lOVE
iZZY

[motheroffour]

Yes, I can spell SPOCK.  And he was my favorite character!!

[isittoolate]

Me too as he was into logic-- Hey there is a story for you on "accident" thread.......response to spyralle.
xx
Izzy

[Certain Hope]

Dear Mof4,

To all you've said... me, too. Amen.

Your second post on here made me cry and I'm so grateful for that.
It's all true... and it's lovely. I am still afraid to feel it all at once, as though I may dissolve, but I had to say thank you.
I go in fits and starts with these emotions. Out, in, put forth, withdraw... but they are there.
I could read this over and over and not grow tired of it. Oh, and I love the birds, too, and am very grateful for their presence here.

And Izzy, my analytical phase lasted longer than I am even able to recognize, I think.
I don't even know when it began...  as though maybe it always was and the feelings I thought I was having along the way were all lies. But they're not lies now. I wasn't ice that needed to be melted... I was clay that needed to be moistened so that it could be molded. Talk about a cracked pot.

Love,
Hope

[motheroffour]

Izzy, read the spyralle note.  Remind me of that on my next bad day, eh?  Or if I am whiney, then a good ole fashioned, "SNap out of it!"  will do.

Hope, love and hugs.

--mof4