Bigalspal

[finding peace]

Hi Bigalspal,

Please don't stop posting.

Despite everything you have gone through with that MOMSTER  of your (caps - cause I think she is pretty vicious), you have such an upbeat and positive tone to your posts.  Your positive outlook just shines through your words.

I look forward to reading your posts.  I don't have much time to reply, but I always read them - your words encourage me that despite the horrors of my own childhood, I too can find the positive in life.

Peace

[bigalspal]

Hi Peace,
I was so caught up in the drama  that I just now noticed your post.
Thanks so much!
I will get over this. It was so kind of you to send me a personal post.
It meant the world to me.
Love,
Bigalspal

[Ami]

Dear Bigals pal,
     You need to dig down deep and find that part of you that is fighting for your life. Don't let anyone take that from you-You have given enough away to your mother.
  You have to express what is inside you in order to heal. It is the only way(IMO).Someone said that 'healing is messy. It is about uncovering the lies that you took on-
  You need to express  these things in order to let them go.On the board,  someone will always understand.(IME) Sometimes a newcomer will come out just b/c you were  strong enough to be real                                                                  Love  Ami

[bigalspal]

Thank You, Ami.
You also know about that other issue I'm going through. That's kinda acting up right now. Anytime I don't want to "feel", that's what I do. But, guess what? My surgery is on the 30th & then after I heal I can address that other thing. I sure will be glad!
Love,
Bigalspal
Ps: Ami, I see sometimes where you think you are weak. Stand back & take a good look at yourself. At least you are not doing what I am. You are MUCH stronger!

[Ami]

Dear Bigals pal,
   You have a big event coming-- surgery. It must be really scary, If you "slip" a little--- it is not the end of the world.You are in a marathon to find your voice--- not a sprint.
 As I have gotten to know you, I am seeing several things about you and about myself.One is that we believed the lies that our N mother told us to the "core". To us, we became the "untouchables". We were the horrible ones. No matter how we protested, down deep, we believed them. Then, we go out in to everyday life and other people tell us that we are "worthless". We may protest but, down deep, we believe them.The down deep is the important part.
  I can get dressed up and look like I am "together". I can act like I am "together'.In my family,it was very important how you looked. However, the down deep is still there.The down deep-- rules the other parts.
   The Board helps you to deal with life. The other day, you felt shamed for writing the post about abortion. There was nothing wrong with your post. However,you thought that you were be criticized ( and you actually were not). THIS was all your private drama from your mother being played out again. The pattern of shame was repeating itself.
   You did so well by not running away. You faced  it and then wrote  about it. Then, you could get feedback and see that it was your private drama repeating itself. The board will really help you heal if you are willing to speak your truth--- not matter how "silly". There are some people who will not like it .However,then it is an good opportunity for you to "stand strong" for your own healing. It is the  same way in real life.Some people won't like us  for their own reasons. The important point is that that does not make us wrong.We can not take their voice as better" than our voice. Our voice is our own to nurture and love even if other 's says that we are wrong.There will always be someone who God sends to uplift you-- here and in real life. .Our job  is to uncover our precious voice. Our mother stole enough. The only wrong thing that you could do is to "run away in shame"                Love  Ami

[motheroffour]

Hey Ami,

Really appreciate your words on this.  Thanks.  Especially that part about being the "untouchables".  I always describe it as being the leper.  Somewhere deep in me is that belief.  Working so hard to change that belief.  Wonder what the world would look like if I believed the opposite.  Wish I new the magic to change that switch.  Maybe it is a Jesus healing thing --changing water to wine.  Don't know.  Just appreciate your take on it and the strength of your words.

--mof4