intellectual vs. emotional responses

[Gaining Strength]

Well when my oldest brother got there he smacked me so hard I literally went black and saw all the stars and fireworks.  I think he knocked me out cold for a while.  When my Mom got home of course she said I got what I deserved.

I saw this line and related completely.  I have just finished Nina Browns book about "The Children of the Self-Absorbed" and she identifiies that very phrase as something common to N parents.  This past year through deep searching of my lifelong wounds I recognized that I had worn that phrase as a mantal and had become suffocated to the point of paralysis believing that all the horrible stuff that had happened was deserved.  It's impossible to recover from trauma if you deserve the horrendous outcomes.  In my healing process I must continually, consciously remind myself that I deserve abundant blessings - we all do.  Otherwise that destructive voice of the broken, wounded N prevails and God loses.  I will overcome that voice and you will and we all will.  We are a determined lot in spite of the searing pain we have and continue to experience because of our profound wounding. - Gaining Strength

[guest101]

I will overcome that voice and you will and we all will.  We are a determined lot in spite of the searing pain we have and continue to experience because of our profound wounding. - Gaining Strength

This weekened I left my keys and cellphone at a hotel and didn't realize it until I was almost home -- four hours away.  The first thing I said to myself when I realized it is:  See, that's what I get.

The friend I was with asked:  "Why, why do you say that."

The voice in my head that tells me I deserve all the pain I've received is loud and over-powering, but I have become vigilent in rebuking that voice and even when I don't have the will to, God brings someone into my presense who does it for me.

So I totally relate and understand what you are saying GS.  Thank you for sharing a small part of your story with me.

Luke 4:10

      For it is written:
   " 'He will command his angels concerning you
      to guard you carefully;

[Gaining Strength]

God's angels are guarding you in all of your trials and tribulations.  Keep you eyes on those angels and on their source.  Take your eyes off your trials and tribulations and turn them to the angels and their source.  That is the way to fight the battle. - your friend - Gaining Strength

Keep your eyes on the prize, your eyes on your strength not on the weakness and pain.

[Ami]

Dear GS,
  What I carried in my head was 'Who do you think YOUOOO are?". I always remember this when I want to have dignity and honor in my life. 'Who do I think I am to deserve anything good?" This is the phrase that makes me doubt myself and doubt that I deserve  dignity and honor,
   I played out this phrase by getting in to and staying in and abusive marriage for 27 years.
    Who do I think I am----- nobody.  That was always my answer ,but I am disputing it now. I am as important as any other person who God made. My inherent value comes from Him.               Love  Ami.
 

[Gaining Strength]

I am as important as any other person who God made. My inherent value comes from Him.

That's it Ami.  We must all identify and FIGHT those wretched messages that we mistakenly internallized.  As soon as I have successfully replaced one another surfaces.  Sometimes I can't figure out what the repressed message is but I know it is there by my disfunction, e.g. paralyzing fear, inability to perform normal daily functions, despondancy, etc.  But I know some wrong message is at control and I open my heart to hear what it is and when it surfaces then I begin the process of replacing it.  It's a tiresome task but one I'm willing to do because the reward is a real life not the shadow version I have been living.

I'm so glad to hear you are fighting back those inaccurate N messages Ami.  I am so glad that we can fight our individual battles beside each other.  Battle on with strength - your friend - Gaining Strength - each and every day.

[debkor]

Guest,

Alright I have not posted before have been reading although.  So here goes.

 

think people are assuming I'm someone I'm not -- which is funny, because they won't even ask!!!
So I think people here don't want to address me and my pain but want to glaze over it because they feel it's (FAKE)

I do not assume anything anymore.  So guest who are you really?  You are posting about being a member before yet saying you will not reveal yourself from past hurts from the board.  You do not feel safe.  OK I believe you.  It also makes me feel a little bit *confused* because you will not reveal yourself.  Now this is not an ATTACK and you wanted in your face honest talk so.....this goes both ways.
I have been down this road before with a friend where I had to drag out of her what was wrong.  She said she was hurt with things but made me work for an answer.  I am getting the same feeling again.
I'm sorry Guest I will not do this again. I can not keep guessing.  I will not look up who you may be.  That is up to you to reveal yourself or not. You don't have too.  But how can you be addressed when you say you are not new and speak of past hurts  from us in present tense.  How are we supposed to answer? We cannot guess what or who did what to you. 
We can just say come back and post and lets straighten this out which I have seen people say.



I am genuine and my pain is genuine, and no one here (even though they seem to think they do) knows what happened to me and what I'm truly talking about because they haven't

ASKED!!!!

I am asking.  What has happened to you.   You cannot assume that everyone knows who and what your story is.  I do not.  I do not know who you are.
I have not tried to figure it out.  I have sat waiting for you to reveal yourself since you wrote so much about being a past poster and pain this board has caused you.  You fear, your uncomfortable and you want to say hidden.
Alright.  I am respecting your wishes.  So I cannot post because I do not know
Pretty much anything except  you feel silenced, attacked and punished for having a voice on here. 
I have never felt this way and I have really (in my eyes) seen anyone attacked.
I have seen disagreements and arguments but that's OK (at least with me)  I cannot speak for everyone.  And I have never seen anyone laughed at.  I know we are very sensitive on here at times.  Now you can get mad at me for even saying this because you feel different.  I see that and that is fine because it is your feelings and you have been validated. 

If I have ever posted anything to you that offended you with your member name I would like to apologize but I can't because I don't know what I did or who you are or even if I should.  I only know you are feeling great pain.   I cannot say I am sorry when I don't know what I have done or if I have done something.

All I can say is I am sorry that you are feeling so much pain as Guest 101.   


Deb

[guest101]

Dear GS,
  What I carried in my head was 'Who do you think YOUOOO are?". I always remember this when I want to have dignity and honor in my life. 'Who do I think I am to deserve anything good?" This is the phrase that makes me doubt myself and doubt that I deserve  dignity and honor,
   I played out this phrase by getting in to and staying in and abusive marriage for 27 years.
    Who do I think I am----- nobody.  That was always my answer ,but I am disputing it now. I am as important as any other person who God made. My inherent value comes from Him.               Love  Ami.

Ami, that is it!  I agree with GS.  When that voice questions you and says:  Who do you think you are?

You say:  I AM A CHILD OF GOD!

That is who you are, and he has promises in store for you that you cannot imagine -- for all of us.

This scripture sustains me when those thoughts come to my mind, because GS, it is like peeling an onion.  You discover one negative belief only to have removed enough of the layers of lies to be prepared to see another.

Malachi 3:10:
10 Bring the whole tithe into the storehouse, that there may be food in my house. Test me in this," says the LORD Almighty, "and see if I will not throw open the floodgates of heaven and pour out so much blessing that there will not be room enough to store it.

This verse talks about giving of tithes and I also believe if you give God his glory, if you lean on faith, He will bless you beyond your imagination.

But when it comes to adversity I lean on the words of Joseph:

“And as for you, you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result, to preserve many people alive.”

So many times people mean evil for us but it comes to our ultimate good, to God's glory.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Deb, I believe you!

I believe that you are sorry for my pain and I believe that you sincerely want to know what happened to me and that it makes you feel bad because it reminds you of the pain you went through with your friend.  And I'm sorry for the confusion and mistrust that my not be forthright has caused. 

Maybe I will become a member again and I will PM people who I trust and tell them my story -- or maybe I will not, I sincerely have to pray on this.

But for now, after what has happened here on this thread I do not feel safe or welcomed by too many members to do that although I am blessed by the voice of many others as well.  I had I'm sure hoped to heal those wounds but that doesn't seem possible.  For now, who I am here is Guest101.

Deb, you NEVER posted anything that was less than supportive and loving towards me.  I hope that gives you peace and thank you for reaching out to me with sincerity in your heart.

[reallyME]

Deb,

I have to agree with what you said.  If Guest wants to hide who she/he is, there is no way to address the original problem at all.

Guest, I do not think you need to "shoot" this thread at all.  You started this thread and I'm reading your posts and learning about your pain and your past.  You have every right to keep your thread if you want to.

Ami, I disagree that Guest needs to end this thread, although I think you are a really NEAT member of this board!

Guest, I am sad about the pain and hurt you have gone through.  You have been betrayed in your family so much.  You are in my prayers!

~Laura

[guest101]

Thank you Laura - I get a lot from reading what you share as well.

I'm not hiding, just protecting myself I believe but God is good and He is truly showing his glory to me today!  For that I am humbly and eternally grateful.

[isittoolate]

Portia
I didn't post much on this thread, as a guest101 could have been anybody--someone I was very close to, who chose to ignore me, or someone whose posts I never answered because our problems were so far apart.

I am not much into surprises, but I needed an answer if I were to continue.

My answer was that guest101 was Portia---but why be so secretive?

...and that led me to believe there was a conspiracy going on, so I ignored the thread.

Whatever, I can scarcely remember, but if I had seen you as a new member with this name and who told us why you were here woiuld have been different.

Granted, any person on this board can use any name and shoot all kinds of BS, to gain attention, continuously, repeating over and over on ever thread and then feeling adulated...... almost like an N.

I ever wondered if guest 101 was one of those.

I am NOW finished with the thread, especially when I see you taking to yourself, to keep the thread alive.
izzy



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[lighter]

Light, how would you feel if the next time you write about the pain of your divorce and your fear in the night that your husband could attack you if someone posted that they want to make pasta salad?  How would that make you feel?  Please give a serious, non-sarcastic answer.

i

Hmmmm good question, Gues.....errrrr..... harris, was it? 

In answering your question..... I'd like to pen my permission to the board, as follows....

I hereby give permission (to the members of this board)  to gently (use their voices) call me on any hypocricital posts  I make.....

especially those that accuse others of doing what I, myself, have done. 

::ahem::

 Humor.....


 is optional; ) 

[reallyME]

I am so glad that the Lord has been showing His glory to you, Portia, Guest 101 or whomever you may be.

Honestly, as much as people can get upset with each other, what really matters is eternity to me, and the spiritual relationship each of us have with our Creator.

Blessya P and EVERYONE else.  We're all in the boat together I think, in a way.

~Laura

[guest101]

I'd like to set the record straight and state I am not Portia

I'm surprised Portia didn't say as much as it would make her quite mad -- talking to herself.

But I see very clearly that there are people posting here that will say and do anything to make guest101 "bad".

It doesn't matter.

God has given me peace in this matter.

I started the thread and I can keep posting to it if I want to -- just as Bones continually posted on his Lost My Job  thread and Portia created the Anonymous thread.

There is nothing, absolutely nothing wrong with wanting attention -- another lie told to us by dysfunctional parents.

everyone wants attention.  everyone wants to be noticed and heard and considered.

noone wants to be ignored, passed over and talked about but not to.

I have the right to remain anonymous if I so choose, especially to people who are being rude and insensitive to me.

those who find this thread uninteresting should exercise their option not to post to it -- it is in fact many of the Naysayers who have in fact kept it alive.

As I said God has revealed his glory to me because even though many here were hostile many were not -- and I was able to benefit from the wisdom of those who have helping spirits and good intentions and ignore the rest.

For that I thank God, because I in my own flesh could never have done that. 

As I said earlier, for all intents and purposes I am Guest101 here and I don't have any intention of being anyone else.  Any hope I had of healing an old wound that was aggravated here is dead.  I'll just make due with the soothing balm of comfort I received from the supportive souls who posted to this thread.

Even that is a blessing, accepting that something can't be undone or made better.

[isittoolate]

I am sorry Portia. your reaction made me think it was you and you never denied it.

so......................well maybe it's JacMac

[g101]

I also wanted to point out that I'm as "anonymous" as anyone else is on this board.  My handle is my handle, and whether it's guest101 or G101 or Mary it's still me.

that is how crazy that accusation is.

also I'd like to point out that the same members who are claiming that they want this thread to go away keep posting to it, which goes against what they are saying -- even after they declare that they won't be posting to it.

so therefore it is clear to me that there is an underlying intention which I believe is o either vilify me or silence me.