I Feel Like I'm Ready to Have an N Relapse

[changing]

Hello Friends-

My NH left a note in my mailbox today, says he's paying his credit cards himself, etc., and asked me to meet with him and sign off on the car, etc. We talked on the phone; he also said that I can "have the house", and he can take "his" savings, pension, etc.- He is expecting a large settlement, which would be partly mine (work related) if we stayed together, but I honestly don't want the money- He said "It's over!" (I think because he is having to pay his own bills, etc.) He was whining about how little he makes and having to "live on his savings", but doesn't seem to miss me.- I am shaky- I have no family, and am disabled, will only get worse. I am having surgery Friday, a friend was supposed to drive me and take me home several hours afterward ( with general anesthesia, I am not supposed to drive and will not get my surgery unless I can find someone) but she is taking her mother up north instead.
I feel blue and unloved and unlovable. And sad and alone. NH didn't care when he was here, but he would give me a ride to surgery, etc. I don't want to be with a man who doesn't love me- I can't help but wonder if it's because of me, my age, my disability, my many shortcomings. I need to become more like other people, but it might be too late for me. Please pray for me.

Changing

[Certain Hope]

Dear Changing,

You are loveable.
(((((((Changing)))))))

I don't believe that it's too late for you at all... I'm praying for you.

With love,
Hope

[bigalspal]

Hi Changing,
I want to give you ((((((((( Changing )))))) a hug, too,
I am truly sorry you are hurting. No one should be made to feel like you are feeling now.  Just like Cetain Hope said, you ARE lovable. If your husband is N, he cannot feel empathy for you. That's why he's acting that way. It's not something YOU did.
Believe me, I know your pain. Only it is my mother, instead of husband.
And believe it our not, I am scheduled for surgery, too. Mine is a week from tomorow.
I'm having neck surgery. We have ALOT in common, it seems. I bet you are worried about your surgery, too. And you have all this other crap to deal with. 
I will be here to listen & give you comfort. We all will. We have all be affected, just like you.
Don't give up hope! 
Love,
Bigalspal

[isittoolate]

((((((((((((((changing)))))))))))))))))))))))

and prayers

Izzt

[changing]

Certain Hope, Izzt, and Bigalspal-

Thank you for your replies- I am feeling very low, and quite isolated. I have been a freak all of my life, no family (sustained contact), no holidays, etc. since I was less than 4 years old. All of the major passages of life negotiated alone. Perhaps this episode is triggering my feelings of shame and isolation...All I know is that I feel despondent and unworthy. Thank you for your kindness and prayers.

Changing

[bigalspal]

Hi Changing,
Boy, I know how you feel about being isolated. I'm on Worker's Comp. Have been since Nov. of last year. My husband is a truck driver & is only home 3 or 4 days a month. Our kids are all grown & don't live very close. I'm all alone day in & day out. I do get to see my grandbabies about once a month or so.  I did have some people working on my house today. I think I kinda freaked them out because I kept talking to them. Just to get some sort of human contact. I finally made myself shut up & retreated back inside. I have no family in this state & even if I did, the only one I'm close to his my aunt. But we only talk usually by email, due to the cost.
I've been a loner all my life. I just don't have it in me to build & sustain a close relationship. I do have one friend. She's a lot older than me, so we don't get together very often.
BUT, the good news is that I'm really trying to learn to deal with this. Since I put a name to what was wrong with my mother, I've been alot better. Finding out that it was her, not me, was a major breakthrough.  You know, Changing, the really weird thing for me is that if you were to see me at Wal-Mart, you would never know. I put on a really good show when I am forced to be out in the world. Doctor's appts, grocery shopping, seeing neighbors out in the yard, ect.
Nobody knows the real me. Well, my husband does. He really is great. Before you congradulate me, I went through a REALLY bad marriage with an NHusband, just like you. I managed to get out with a few clothes, no money & certainly no dignity. So, I hope this does not sound like a worthless platitude, but if I can find a great guy (don't ask me how I did it) you can to.
Love,
Bigalspal

[lighter]

((((Changing))))

I'm so sorry your friend let you down.  That's not a very nice thing to do and she's probably not a very good friend.

You can have your N take you to surgery and pick you up and NOT be with him.  You don't have to stay married if he helps you through this surgery.  He's still your husband and if he's offering..... maybe that will solve your immediate problem?

I'm sending good vibes your way... and a prayer.

These are tough times but you can get through this and be happy again.  Please keep posting and look around for decent people and interests to cultivate in your life.  Reach out.  Join a church or church group?  A support group that suits your needs? 

[changing]

Hello-

No my NH did not offer to help- I don't think that he even remembers anything about my appointment. I don't know if he would help at all, and he is so dismissive of me it would be hard to see him again. I disgust him. I feel ashamed of myself- disabled, old, and ugly, worthless. This is also an artifact from my odd childhood- feeling "less than" , vulnerable and alone. I literally wore rags, had no coat, constantly bleeding feet, etc. when I was a child. A teacher in gradeschool used to have me face a full length mirror every day, while she berated my appearance. As I only had one dress, her efforts were to no avail. When I got a job (at 14) and learned to sew, things really changed for me...Perhaps I can use that image to rise from the ashes yet again? I need to heal the raw wounds from years of trying to be married to a man who doesn't care about me before I can go out in public and feel at ease. I don't know if I can ever see NH again and feel comfortable, but I am going to try to do what I can to gird my loins and fight my demons.
Thank you for being there for me...it really helped!

Changing

[lighter]

((((Changing))))

I say, have a big cry and be sad sad sad about what happened to you when you were a child and the sadness and fears you face now. 

So unfair! 

So undeserved! 

::sending another prayer::

You'll have room for better things when your through this, my dear. 

Edit and replace.... edit and replace. 

Out with the toxic, in with the uplifting (reciprocal worthy) activities and people.

Your N married you because you're the worthy one. 

He beat you down so he could control you and try to feel better about his low achieving self. 

You're breaking free now and it's bringing up all kinds of painful feelings. 

Let them wash over you and don't react. 

They're here to tell you something. 

This discomfort and pain say it's time you moved on.... you don't belong with him because he's not worthy. 

Not because you're unworthy (((Changing)))

You're kind and generouse and he took advantage of you, exploited the trust you gave him. 

How's your list looking, sweetie? 

[JanetLG]

Changing,

I'm, so sorry things are bad for you just now. I hope the surgery goes OK next week. Of course you're worried - who wouldn't be? But I'm sure it'll go fine.

You mentioned that you sew...I started making my own clothes in my teens, then stopped for about 20 years (!), but I started about 4 years ago, again. It's a great boost to my self-esteem to be able to make  *unique* clothes that no-one else is wearing, and that **really* fit (usually    )

Tell me about your sewing. How does it make you feel? Are you making anything at the moment? Does it help you to 're-make' your image?

Janet

[Hopalong]

Changing, sweetie, I'm so sorry.

I would like to magically transport you to my town where there is a free, wonderful, weekly women's support group meeting. ANYONE who's coping with any kind of change or transition can go, and sit in a private circle and share, gradually as they grow comfortable, how they feel. After a while, it begins to be, how can I change small things. Week by week, there is true support, like here but in 3-D.

I so wish that for you. You deserve it.

I think it's just wonderful that you sew. I did, as a young girl, and have been daydreaming about doing it again, maybe takig a beginner's class somewhere.

But more urgent practicalities. Hon, is there a relaxed not-scary church you can call? Just tell them you find yourself in a situation where you need some support to get through a surgery. See what happens.

And keep posting to keep us posted.

Sending love and comfort to a worthy and interesting and valuable human being...YOU ARE

Hops

[Ami]

Dear Changing
   I can so relate to the emotions you expressed- shame, feeling insignificant, feeling completely worthless.If your own family did not love you--- what worth do you have ? If your own H did not values you what worth do you have?
  I have asked this questions while I was sobbing . The feelings are deep. The self hating thoughts are deep. They are actually lies. However, we believe them b/c we were brainwashed. As you keep sharing on the board, you can face these lies and learn to replace them with the truth---- God made you and gave you an inherent worth that no one can take away from you.
  I am so sorry about your surgery and your H not having the little bit of humanity to help you with it.
  Yesterday, my son and I were talking about betrayal.  This is a MAJOR betrayal. It is at the worst time--- when you are vulnerable. N's love to kick you when you are down. My H has  Phd in it.
  I think that it is even a defining trait of N's.
   I would call a church group. There are people there who want to give to other people who are hurting. You will be enriching their lives by allowing them to help you in your pain         Love  Ami

[changing]

Hello Friends-

Thank you for being there for me. It was such a comfort to be able to express what is happening, and to be heard and advised by such lovely, wise, and caring people. I slept well after I had a cathartic cry (instead of staying awake and sleeping fitfully). It is  a beautiful day today, full of promise, and I am going to church now. Afterward, I'll get back to working on the list of things to do to protect my interests!

May God Bless You All,

Changing

[lighter]

((((Changing))))))

Cry and slide down walls when you have to and keep moving and doing things you need to get done when you can.

Glad to hear you got some sleep.

[Ami]

Dear Changing
   I am really glad that you are feeling better  .                                       Love  Ami