Hell-o

[Feline]

Hi
New here.

I am 38 I am transgender,and a feline person.
All my life pretty much my voice has been stifled.I am too loud too different ,too honest,too whatever.

In school I was bullied alot.Teachers turned away.I once loved learning stuff but after kindergarten,where the teacher beat me in front of the class,things changed.I can remember the entire bus on the way home chanting that I should die in elemetary school.My best friend was a cat,Rikki.He was murdered by bullies.. Shrinks habe been abusive too I have been given nasty drugs like anectine,so I would be made compliant to dominators posing as therapists in the hospital.They kept me in a quiet room for 6 months..
My life is hell.
I have one person I trust.On the outside I seem cool decent kind and all.But truthfully I hate humanity.I am ashamed to be a human. Humans are ugly and make the world a hateful place.

I try to be different than them. I try to be like the tiger,the panther in the sky.The chains of exising here in this culture,with humans  cuts me,I cannot figure out how to escape..people's hate and power tripping evilness ..and thier cages,clutches and prisons.
My body is mummified and frozen my heart is still,

Early on people said sit still ,don't wear that,shhhh,sneering at my words and sounds images and art.I would get hit threatened abused for being me and saying so.I tried to not be me.But I couldnt .It was demanded I be a girl be a human. I can't.I am not a human and I am androgynous.

To me women are trained to be everybodies servant.I do not exist to be everybodies slave.
Men are taught to expect  entitlements and respect wether desreved or not  because they are men and I am not a bully. People should be entitled only to be what they are,and the grounds for this entitlement should be to let others be whatever they are.The bullies need to stop engineering other's identies  ,but there are not enough therapists in the world to heal them to stop them from creating more walking wounded...
Humanity is sick and evil. I want no part of it.
I have tried to die 25 times,after  awhile you realize you are stuck here, and give up. If you find a way to live,you may  find life is one long death  a suffering  with no escape.an invisible grave.The world is full of strife. I cannot ignore it because I was ignored when my heart was torn open.There is no justice in seeking obliviousness.There is no happiness in slavrey.There is so much pain in this life,this existance ,the injustice it overwhelms me I see  love is bleeding everywhere I look... aa mother screaming at her kid in a store,an iraqi child with no arms,cats fed upon roadkilll made into catfood..This entire world it screams with an insanity,a mad wickednes ..a kind of pain that makes no sounds but wounds worse than any other.

I offer this song as my voice a song by a band called Marillion...
I can't listen to it without crying.For this is what my voice sounds like.

MARILLION  - "Beautiful"
(Hogarth/Kelly/Mosley/Rothery/Trewavas)

Everybody knows we live in a world
Where they give bad names to beautiful things
Everybody knows we live in a world
Where we don't give beautiful things a second glance
Heaven only knows we live in a world
Where what we call beautiful is just something on sale
People laughing behind their hands
As the fragile and the sensitive are given no chance

And the leaves turn from red to brown
To be trodden down
To be trodden down
And the leaves turn from red to brown
Fall to the ground
Fall to the ground

We don't have to live in a world
Where we give bad names to beautiful things
We should live in a beautiful world
We should give beautiful a second chance

And the leaves fall from red to brown
To be trodden down
Trodden down
And the leaves turn green to red to brown
Fall to the ground
And get kicked around

You strong enough to be
Have you the courage to be
Have you the faith to be
Honest enough to stay
Don't have to be the same
Don't have to be this way
C'mon and sign your name
You wild enough to remain beautiful?
Beautiful

And the leaves turn from red to brown
To be trodden down
Trodden down
And we fall green to red to brown
Fall to the ground
But we can turn it around

You strong enough to be
Why don't you stand up and say
Give yourself a break
They'll laugh at you anyway
So why don't you stand up and be
Beautiful

Black, white, red, gold, and brown
We're stuck in this world
Nowhere to go
Turnin' around
What are you so afraid of?
Show us what you're made of
Be yourself and be beautiful
Beautiful


Tyger tyger burning bright in the forests of the night........

Thanks for the space..,Panther in the Sky

[Nic]

Hey Feline!

Welcome, take off your shoes and sit a spell.  Be yourself, it's ok.
Another cat on the doorstep of voicelessness huh? Stuck in the rain are ya? We/ve all been there one way or another.
Good for you for starting a new thread..it's your thread so use it.   Your space to discuss YOU.
The song you quote is full of hope you know..did you notice that?
Don't lose sight of the hope
name's Nic..I have lots of friends here i'd like you to meet..
Hey guys! Feline is here............

[Anonymous]

I am too loud too different ,too honest,too whatever.

In school I was bullied alot.Teachers turned away.I once loved learning stuff but after kindergarten,where the teacher beat me in front of the class,things changed.I can remember the entire bus on the way home chanting that I should die in elemetary school.My best friend was a cat,Rikki.He was murdered by bullies.. Shrinks habe been abusive too I have been given nasty drugs like anectine,so I would be made compliant to dominators posing as therapists in the hospital.They kept me in a quiet room for 6 months..
My life is hell.
I have one person I trust.On the outside I seem cool decent kind and all.But truthfully I hate humanity.I am ashamed to be a human. Humans are ugly and make the world a hateful place.

I try to be different than them. I try to be like the tiger,the panther in the sky.The chains of exising here in this culture,with humans  cuts me,I cannot figure out how to escape..people's hate and power tripping evilness ..and thier cages,clutches and prisons.
My body is mummified and frozen my heart is still,

Early on people said sit still ,don't wear that,shhhh,sneering at my words and sounds images and art.I would get hit threatened abused for being me and saying so.I tried to not be me.But I couldnt .It was demanded I be a girl be a human. I can't.I am not a human and I am androgynous.

To me women are trained to be everybodies servant.I do not exist to be everybodies slave.
Men are taught to expect  entitlements and respect wether desreved or not  because they are men and I am not a bully. People should be entitled only to be what they are,and the grounds for this entitlement should be to let others be whatever they are.The bullies need to stop engineering other's identies  ,but there are not enough therapists in the world to heal them to stop them from creating more walking wounded...
Humanity is sick and evil. I want no part of it.
I have tried to die 25 times,after  awhile you realize you are stuck here, and give up. If you find a way to live,you may  find life is one long death  a suffering  with no escape.an invisible grave.The world is full of strife. I cannot ignore it because I was ignored when my heart was torn open.There is no justice in seeking obliviousness.There is no happiness in slavrey.There is so much pain in this life,this existance ,the injustice it overwhelms me I see  love is bleeding everywhere I look... aa mother screaming at her kid in a store,an iraqi child with no arms,cats fed upon roadkilll made into catfood..This entire world it screams with an insanity,a mad wickednes ..a kind of pain that makes no sounds but wounds worse than any other.

I offer this song as my voice a song by a band called Marillion...
I can't listen to it without crying.For this is what my voice sounds like.

MARILLION  - "Beautiful"
(Hogarth/Kelly/Mosley/Rothery/Trewavas)

Everybody knows we live in a world
Where they give bad names to beautiful things
Everybody knows we live in a world
Where we don't give beautiful things a second glance
Heaven only knows we live in a world
Where what we call beautiful is just something on sale
People laughing behind their hands
As the fragile and the sensitive are given no chance

And the leaves turn from red to brown
To be trodden down
To be trodden down
And the leaves turn from red to brown
Fall to the ground
Fall to the ground

We don't have to live in a world
Where we give bad names to beautiful things
We should live in a beautiful world
We should give beautiful a second chance

And the leaves fall from red to brown
To be trodden down
Trodden down
And the leaves turn green to red to brown
Fall to the ground
And get kicked around

You strong enough to be
Have you the courage to be
Have you the faith to be
Honest enough to stay
Don't have to be the same
Don't have to be this way
C'mon and sign your name
You wild enough to remain beautiful?
Beautiful

And the leaves turn from red to brown
To be trodden down
Trodden down
And we fall green to red to brown
Fall to the ground
But we can turn it around

You strong enough to be
Why don't you stand up and say
Give yourself a break
They'll laugh at you anyway
So why don't you stand up and be
Beautiful

Black, white, red, gold, and brown
We're stuck in this world
Nowhere to go
Turnin' around
What are you so afraid of?
Show us what you're made of
Be yourself and be beautiful
Beautiful


Tyger tyger burning bright in the forests of the night........

Thanks for the space..,Panther in the Sky

Hi Feline,

I loved reading the raw honesty in your post. My comment about your being transgender is "embrace whoever you are because that's who you are."

It isn't possible to be too loud, too different, too honest. Don't believe them. I love loud, different, honest whatever types. And if you're slightly dysfunctional as well, all the better   ! And a feline, cool   !

The song was great, never heard of it or them, but yeah, I get the message,be beautiful even in spite of it all. And even if you've got 3 heads covered with acne.

Your cat Rikki, that made me sad, and I had to gave my cat Tom a protective cuddle when I read that. Damn the bastards who did that  .

I'm a woman fighting for my freedom too. Women, the last slaves. But I do want to say to offer you a very welcome Feline. I'm going back to re-read your post now.

And you say that song epitomises your voice. Then you have a beautiful, yes a beautiful voice and I hope we hear more of it.

CG

[Anonymous]

Ooops  didn't mean to incorporate your whole post in my reply , sorry! I was gonna quote from it but got lost in thought! Duh!

CG

[Anonymous]

an iraqi child with no arms

Feline, that image really upset me and still does.  I cried a whole bunch and felt so helpless when I first saw the images.  I donated a bit of money to a good charity because I wanted to help him and other children caught up in the mess.  Of course, it still happens but as in the lyrics to the song you shared:

We don't have to live in a world
Where we give bad names to beautiful things
We should live in a beautiful world
We should give beautiful a second chance

And we can help balance the world.  All these bombs dropping and hands being cut off...I don't want any part of it.  It is especially difficult for *sensitives.*  I have a tape called "Warming The Stone Child: myths and archetypes of the unmothered child."  And one of the things said on the tape is that - however horrible things are and have been - *sensitives* are naturally endowed with a soft, deep flame what will never go out.  And some of the best healers in the world are *sensitives.*


I echo Nic's words - I want to welcome you here Feline.  Big, big welcome.        (that's three smileys from me and the two felines I live with..)

~Dawning.

[Anonymous]

Hi Feline it's CG again,

I was thinking about your introduction and how you said you're transgender. Now I feel a bit of a dill,    cause I realised later I don't know what transgender is. I looked in the dictionary, and nothing there. Can I ask for you tell me pleease?

It's not sex-change is it? I had a male friend 25 years ago who went through a series of operations over a long, expensive, and painful time, and became a full (and might I add absolutely stunning) woman, who made most other woman look like frumps. She was gorgeous, and the way she maintained her perfect grooming. Here was I, getting around with cracked heels and chipped nailpolish, and she could have been a foot model. Anyway, I'm rambling, that's not transgender is it? Sorry I'm a doofas! But anyway, I want to say after making a mess of my first post to you, another big welcome.

  CG

[Anonymous]

Thank you all for responding.
This is a three parter but the thanks are for everyone.
And it's for anyone wanting to read it too.Not just the three people I am responding to.

To the person who was upset about the iraqi child imagry.

I was upset about it too.I wish people would stop dominating and exploiting and fighting. I
My voice is in images..Images ,words,sounds ,smells ,sensations in my perception  intertwine. my unconsious is close to my consious.I can observe the processes of attention and thinking.When I read for a spit second all words look like designs of lines.Than letters appear assembling themselves .When I see words meanings connect and fractal off. So when I reply I have to guess what the person is saying,because I see all these layers at once. Sometimes I guess  the wrong layers of meaning and people look at me like I got three heads covered with zits.

However I know what you mean about the staying power of images.I read about this kid from  a news article online and it was like a knife right between the ribcage. I can't ignore events in this world because I can feel it through the Earth anyway.I am vilagent because I feel vunerable alot and I sense pain around me,I like to be aware of it instead of oblivious to it.I've been told all kinds of self serving "solutions" that were just wishes to rid me of my  intensity,my desire to empathize and listen when people who rather not be bothered get upset at my sensitivity.. All they want is for me to shuddup,and  ignore all I am feeling  because it's intense I must tone it down or speak indirectly. They ask me  why I read about these horrible things iif it just gets me upset, why not go do something ellse'fun'? Looks to me like (they'd rather fake empathy saying I look so frazzled  than to risk really listening).Sometimes I getThat sick response especially from  people who want me to be like them, or cater to them by negating myself...This is  never said honestly or directly... but it 's intent is implied explicitly,  Which is thier demand that I forget about what hurts me,play the game of pretend with them and deny my own expression of empathy  because it's inconvienent  for them to stop and listen.In effect  they are saying I don't wanna bother to care about others' pain  and listen to your response to other people's  pain and traumas halfway across the globe because I'd rather be the center of attention..You are  raining on my parade ..it's just disgusting when the person  is saying it because they just want control.
So if its any consolation I hate domination,colonialism, war,power,culture,insecurity,competition,survival , greed and all the things that people do that is evil.
Abuse and power turns so many people rancid.It's shameful they can go on denying the unexuseable evil in harming  an innocent totally uninvolved ,blameless  kid..There is no exuse for war,no sane rationale exists for adults harming kids in a threatening mob rushing on orders from a jackass who will not ever be shot at, to steal a country from under the people living on it..nothing! war is just perverse.The creator who designed this world to be'balanced' by death is evil .This inherent flaw that forces life to exist by feeding off the death of the living around itself is evil.it's wrong.

For the person who was angry at the murdering bastards who killed my catfriend Rikki.

Take comfort ,I cursed those bullies and in the course of about 2 years,thier lives fell apart.One ended up in jail,another died,another was sent to a group home,and the last one got injured in an accident so he can't harm anyone anymore or kill any cats now.
I cried out to the catspirits  for them to be forced feel what they had done as if it was they themselves,as the cat spirits sawfit... And it happened.But it took me 20 years to come to terms with his death.Because I could not save him. He was killed in front of me.I was held down by older boys. I felt guilty for along time,Like I had let Rikki down. But Since than I have come to the understanding that  It was not my fault I was smaller than those jerks were that  I was not strong enough at that time physically to knock the bullies off of me,or rip the ropes they put on my hands and save Riikki from them.I was just a kid in a horrible situation.I wasent superman.It's not my fault but I wish I was the one hung,instead of Rikki He was such a wonder..that cat.My midnight panther fuzzybutt of my dreams come true....I still miss that furbucket.I got three fur babies now,A siamese singapura named Sparkle,A roly poly 17 pound lion cat cream tabby Rustle,and A black mini panther,with glittering  topaz eyes,who steals straws.. Vinnie.I love them so much ..They are the meaning of wonderful.
I spell love -C-A-T-


For the person asking about transpeople.

I am a bit different than a transperson,I am an androgynous transperson which means I am genderless.Both and niether. In public I get sirred and mam'ed. People call me a man and a woman,and it changes based in how they see me themself. I don't have a gender. I am me.
As for sexual preferences I am pretty asexual,but I don't prefer men or women in whom I relate to.I'm lucky if I'm close to anyone.What's wierd is I am very social,I don't have shy problems,and people tend to like me,but I never get too close. But they feel close to me. I am bisexual so I don't care if a person is biologiclly male or female or trans.I am more interested in what is in thier heart,character, mind and spirit. Sexuality is one of the last things on my list.I have a hubby he is pretty asexual  too and he is also  bisexual. We relate on a deep emotional and heart level.Our relationship is pretty unique.He is also very respectful of me,kind and gentle.He isn't controlling or stuck on himself.He is a musician.And he too is a cat lover freak.

I do plan to get surgury to remove my boobs.I hate this udder cats don't have big swollen udders when there are no kittens. Sooner this udder  is off of me the better.I have already had a hysterectomy.It was a wonderful thing to walk through the tampon isle one last time realizing I would never-ever-ever bleed again.I do not plan on getting a phalloplasty tho.I am not interested in being a man.Besides phalloplasty surgury is really lacking.The penisses that they can do for female to male transgenders stinks it looks weird it doesent function..and the operation is very very dangerousd,they have to basically build a bladder stem through your hormonally enlarged clitoris and hope it doesent leak.
However I look masculine like.I am tall and strong I wear alot of leather,and capes,I wear a big mowhawk too.. but it's more of a cascade of colorful hair somewhat like a horses mane.Shorter in the front kinda spikey and long to my mid back behind my hair is wavy so it looks kinda different..The sides of my head are shaved bare.I have a pierced nose and brow.
I plan on getting rainbow tiger stripes tattooed all over my body (including my face) someday,and eventually some fang implants and whisker peirces. (if i win the lotto that is) Maybe even my ears pointed and some facial implants to change my face into a more feline shape. I don't see this happening very soon I have no insurance,no income I live in my moms basement with my hubby scraping by.
I hate money,I hate not having it.Especially when so much of it is wasted on building more effective ways of murdering.I hate the systems of control and dominaion dictating who does what,what I deserve or don't,or how I live,trying to control who I am,by clutching the purse strings just to build more bombs...Things would be so much better if money and dominance  wasent valued over happiness or a good quality of life in this world . I can do art I can do costuming metal casting ,murals,graphics..beads.I write  see :
http://www.unknownnews.net/archives.html.
Scroll down the page to "U" and look at Underground Panther in the Sky..those are my writings.

I have alot to share but  I cannot imagine running a small  business,I can't even remember to eat sometimes.I have 48 people inside here.It's a wonder I can get myself organized enough to put on my boots right some days. But how will I ever be comfortable in this body that is so painful?I don't know if I can ever feel safe enough being alive in this crazy world  to heal my soul and mind without changing myself to reclaim some of what was taken and destoyed by those who wanted to take what was not thiers..
Most people who hear about transpeople flip out if a transgender person says they are  the opposite gender..to them a gender switch  is unimaginable..To,me,I want to be niether gender and If I can  I don't even want to  look human anymore.This to alot of people is inconcievable.People are taught the binary gender game from birth.
Plastic surgeons do not do radical  or different surgery if what the client requests is outside of the"norms" of this sick culture. Luckily norms change,but very very slowly.Sex reassignments are as 'radical' as most people's minds can  get around.. and not many plastic surgeons  are willing to even do sex reassignments. So getting a surgeon willing to do the types of body modification I find beautiful is nary impossible unless I become a billonare or something.

Life forced suffocates.Existance hurts..I am so tired. But I cannot rest.I pace like a zoo tiger  day and night with that look of frozen shock one sees on tigers faces when thier spirit is crushed when they were captured and put into captivity..I hate the cages other people put on other people to control them,silence them,make them submit,exploit them,or to crush them down. I am aware I am  in a cage with layers of invisible bars.Some of those bars I have put into  myself because of my  problems and fears and losing my voice ..some of those bars others have put up,some bars were made in the past that still need to be torn away ,some bars are ones this sick society imposes upon me and everyone else in this world system..some bars my parents put there..Some are from school and mental hospitals playing behaviorism games like B.F. Skinner( behaviorism is just S/M in reality).Those bars are scars from  bullies of all kinds. .
I am glad life is not a permanent condition. It changes. It too will pass...

Take care everybody, and thank you for being here..
Feline...under there,and up there somwhere over the rainbow..

[Anonymous]

Hi Feline,

I am curious . . . were you born a hermaphrodite?  If so, which gender were you assigned at birth?  Did you have any surgeries to "change" you into someone you didn't want to be?  If you were not born a hermaphrodite, were you born female and inside you feel you are neither a male or female?  I'm curious . . . not wanting to cross any boundaries with you, just wanting to understand you a little better.  

I read some of your posts "Underground".  You seem to be very angry to me.  What has caused so much anger in you?  Was there a Narcissist person or parent in your life?

I too love cats, but I don't want to be one.  I'm also curious as to why you'd like to be a feline and go to the trouble of having surgeries to do this . . .  

You answers would help me get to know you a little better.

Hange in there . . .

[Dawning]

Hi.

I was upset about it too.I wish people would stop dominating and exploiting and fighting. I
My voice is in images..Images ,words,sounds ,smells ,sensations in my perception intertwine. my unconsious is close to my consious.I can observe the processes of attention and thinking.When I read for a spit second all words look like designs of lines.Than letters appear assembling themselves .When I see words meanings connect and fractal off. So when I reply I have to guess what the person is saying,because I see all these layers at once. Sometimes I guess the wrong layers of meaning and people look at me like I got three heads covered with zits.

Right away, if you think people look at you like you got three heads covered in zits, look back, I say.  

I never thought about that...a voice found in images.  I've always reacting (in my wiser heart, reponded) to the images.  But, you're right, the voice is there.  Maybe I connected my voice to someone else's for so long.  This is a very interesting thing you wrote.  

I feel that I know what you mean about those lines of words.  As a translator, I can tell just by looking at a group of words, what works and what wouldn't.  And when I write in my journal, sometimes it is not only the meaning but the feeling I have when I see the words on paper.  You put it better than I can.  But I feel a camaraderie with you, Feline.

I spell love -C-A-T-

And I love that!  Can I use it?  Sounds like bumper sticker material to me.  

Those bad bullies!  I feel Rikki is okay now.  He/she needed to go elsewhere and help all the other people in the world who are bullied.  Like a Bodhissattva.  You are here on earth, as the survivor, to be a messeger of Peace.  Concerned about all this fighting.  Of course, you would be.  These are just messages coming to me now.  But I am feeling like I understand.

Love,
Dawning.

[Anonymous]

Hi Feline,

Thanks for the link, I went there, and finally found the alphabetical listing. I went to your list of works. Quite a bit you've written. I didn't have time to read any yet, I just wanted to check that I could find it okay. But I will go back. I like the unknown news site. Thanks. And thanks for explaining the androgynous transgender person you are and the androgynous mind/psyche set you have.

I have to say, your hair sounds toally creatively wild. It 's sounds like a brilliant mane. Personally, I couldn't get body peircing done, I'm too chicken. I'm a fairly happy (female) feminist, and guess I'd love a navel ring, but I'm too chicken. A friend of mine had a stud put through her tongue, and she loves it, so does her boyfriend. I think she was so brave, doing something she really wanted to do like that. Not me. Cluck cluck cluck.  

After reading your some of your stories here it's no wonder you don't want to look like a human. How those bullies could have done that to your cat is so scary. That part of human nature that we so often try to deny exists.

Look at how a mother cat looks after her kittens. So pure love. Animals don't treat their babies the way some humans do! So who's the animal!

Your hospitalisation experience sounds like it was totally horrendous. Keeping you in a quiet room for 6 months. That's f*#*in' shocking. I'm so sorry and angry that this happened to you. That may sound weak, useless and pathetic from this point in time, after the event, and you've had  to deal with it on your own.  But I'm just wanting to express how it makes me feel.

Your cats sound wonderful, and I'm glad you have a supportive cat-lover husband.

More later,

CG

[Anonymous]

To Dawning

Yeah you can use the love cat thing as a bumpersticker,enjoy....
I'm one of these anti profit types. For me I am aware don't own anything..I come into life with nuthin,I leave with nuthin..a hurricane could destroy everything.I'ts more important to share what you have then take what you want.
as for the sit thing when they look at me weird I just pop one of those zits and ask 'em if they wanna lick..(ewww) If you are gonna offend 'em, anyway ,Why not offend'em in a memorable way ?*giggle*

You said you are a translator How cool! what languages if I may ask? It's weird sometimes when I flip through channels on TV and I pass by the hispanic stations that are broadcasted in spanish I siometimes know what they are saying~never took any spanish lessons tho.I don't get it,the brain is a strange thing sometimes.

 To CG :

Getting pireced isn't so bad, I have pierced other folks noses and ears for them .I do it so fast and all the person is shocked to find it's done so quick.There are techiques of distraction one can use for the nervous types.
As for my peirces The nose was done it wasen't bad at all.Not as painful as I expected at all..However  it made a strage noise when the post went through cartalige. My brow,I did by myself..the hardest part there was inserting the nobium ring in a mirror becasuse of the reversing effect  mirrors have lining the ring up through the second hole was a pain in the arse!
As for a navel pierces , they can get infected easy because of the rubbing from the movement of your pants waist tugging at the jewelry. Most professional piercers use very sharp hollow needles.Have you ever en cut by something very sharp and did't realize it until you saw blood? Often people who get pierced discribe it like this,also whenever you modify yourself the nerves get overwhelmed and give up  like with tattoos.At first it stings,but then your brain shuts off the pain signal once it realizes you are not in danger.The nerves are flooded and so the site just goes numb-like.


To Guest:


were you born a hermaphrodite?
No. I was  born female as far as I know.I was in an incubator for a month in the 60's parents couldn't hold thier  preemee babies.,and my mom was unconsious when I was born,so who knows what happened to me  in my first month.

Yes I identify as neither male nor female. Think about it..if you get down to it gender (what sex-role-image-ect) you identify as is  an invention,an imposed thing upon a baby ,a cultural mindgame adults play.Some men like wearing dresses.Some women are amazons. Alot of tribal peoples have people switching around gender identities.It's not new.For me I prefer not to be "locked in" to male or femaleness. I feel limited by a binary gender,If I am to be totally honest in my own heart I must say I am both and neither gender.  I know some folks have trouble getting thier head around the concept . I don't know what to say to you.I wish you could meet me than it might answer your question with experinces.
These links might help you,click around especially on the first one.

http://www.math.uio.no/~thomas/gnd/androgyny.html
http://www.tgnetarizona.org/gender101.htm

I read some of your posts "Underground". You seem to be very angry to me. What has caused so much anger in you?

Was there a Narcissist person or parent in your life?
Yes my mom and my father.
He was a drunk violent, abusive creep.He raped me when I was 7 While my mom was away  getting an emergency hysterectomy.(why I have no clue) An abulance took her.I remember her leaving with a towel between her legs she was bleeding so bad. Since she almost died when I was born( she had a really fascinating near death experince btw) So maybe something got damaged in her body. Imaging the body was pretty primitive in the 70's compared to the MRI and PET scans of today.Anyway she's ok  now..she's 74 and gets around like a 50 year old does. We have healed alot in our relationship.She has been in therapy.I must say I am proud of how much she has changed.

My father  he was a mean son-of -a- bitch. But I also know he was messed up in the head too. I don't excuse him for what he did to ruin my families lives and destroy my life,but now I can say he was a totally broken,basically fucked up person inside so what can you expect from someone like this? He was miserable.Nuts. His father was an assholetoo and there was weird sexual perversions going on in his house.His mom basically cursed him on her deathbead when he was just an 8 year old boy..That's gotta hurt. My father idolized his mom too. I realize he was torn down too.I pity him like you would feel sad for the sufferings of a rabid dog it's not the dog's fault he's got rabies,but you still have to kill him to protect people from him. Likewise I have no love for my father,but I can extend compassion and I do admire his few good qualities... I am sad that the good parts that were inside him,like the knowlege of herbs and woodwork,his amazing talents and those few fun times we had  were overshadowed so fully by his assholiness and abusiveness. I wish it was all different. But it wasnt. I take the good and never excuse the bad.
He was military. And I was  by proxy. I was messed with,tested,ect. at Aberdeen.I saw and experinced some things hat could only fit into an x files context,problem was it was real.
I don't share this with shrinks because  they assume alot and don't listen to what I am saying,they get caught up in the popular  assumptions about paranoia and conspirasy..Sometimes people would try to kill my father. His truck was blown up once.I got photos of the aftermath ,it was totally gutted out.Only a bomb could do that.Nobody at the scene had time to be  bothered with a kid with a pocket camera ..My father was affected by all that  militrary shit so the family was too.He died holding alot of secrets that corroded his soul from the inside out.And I know part of what made him crazy was the military..They would test shit on him like knockout drugs ,stuff they put into shells made him sick(he was a gunner &modelmaker) and they did otherstuff. So it isn't just that he was an asshole he was provoked used and abused too. He still is accountable for what he did  to me and I make no excuses, for him. I can say I understand him a little bit tho. His life was as horrid as mine is .He was half Indian so he got shit for that too..He verbally abused mom.He never hit her and that was a good thing.So I guess on some level mom and my father relationship  broke their  habitual chain of familial abuse a little bit.
But my father put the abuse he faced back into me.He hit me he was verbally cruel he was a cowardly,cruel and capricious tyrant in our house.I could always escape him by climbing up trees..running to the woods. I was very acrobatic.I spent ALOT of time of my childhood in the woods. I was in the house in wintertime when it got too cold  and to sleep or  eat. I'd eat the wild rasperries and other edible fruits,rather than go home.
My mom she grew up in an abusive home too.My grandma was beat senseless every week by her drunk husband. Mom heard it all huddled upstiars with her  brothers and sisters.For years.
Mom  had me among other reasons to relive her  colitis. (she put that on a psych hospital admission form when it asked was the pregnancy planned)
If that isn't narcissism I dunno what is.


The neighbor next to my house .Bruce Ekenrode was a pedophile,He abused me for a few years.He used alot of christian apocolypse  imagry during these abusive times as he was a preacher of some sort. He had  bible classes at his house,he had a filmstrip projector and a file cabinet of tracts and propaganda.What happened to me looks like "satanic ritual abuse" but it in fact was christian.His wife Leah was in on it. I got mixed up with this asshole because his son,Billy was my only freind and he was a good freind too.We'd play  hide and seek,play in the sandbox with matchbox cars,collect action figures,pretend ...The rest of the nieghborhood kids were a bully gang. So Billy and I stuck together because we were the hated  outcasts.Eckenrode was also a fun guy too.And this is the sickest  cruelest part.He was nicer than my father ever was.He was FUN too. But he turned on and off  his kindness like a faucet.He used this love/hate thinglike a master manipulator on me.He was a betrayer. Before Eckenrode anyone who didn't hate me was good,but even kindness stopped being a good thing in my life after Eckenrode.He'd threaten to kill my pets,(I had a zoo growing up..doves,chickens,rabbits,cats, dogs,birds,reptiles, fish,even a flying squirrel and  a racooon and they were all my real family my emotional support system.)

Eckenrode said he'd kill them all if I told anyone what he was doing to me.. He'd discribe torturing my cats, demonstrating what he'd do to him with this  cute brass cat face ashtray he had. Later I stole that ashtray from him when they were taking out a couch by slipping it under a cushion as I was barred from his house but that day my parents were in there because Eckenrode was moving away....I have it today.And noone is permitted to put burning cigarettes or knives or anything in it's eyes.I have pretty little quartz crystal points,dragon's blood resin, myrrh and frakencese tears  in it now.  Sometimed eckenrode would  give me money too to shut me up.I had a nice wad of cash hidden away.Muy mom found out because my cousin saw the money and asked how I got it,I told her how  and she told my mom. My father asked  my mom what was wrong with ME when he heard what was going on (I overheard the  whole conversation)

Mom didn't do much to "out" eckenrode  other than tell me never to go inside eckenrodes house again,because she knew Billy was my only human freind and she worried how I'd fare with no freinds in a hostile neighborhood and a hostile school.. Little did she know the abuse simply changed locales.After this bastard left the neighborhood he moved to St.Petersburg Florida. While I was away at the mental hospital.mom told me these cops came around asking for eckenrode he was wanted for some kind of crime..Years later after I had gotten away from all the abuse in my life(including OUT of the psych systems control games) and had healed a little  I got up the guts to call the police,about my past.Because it occured before 1976, and the statute of limitations got in the way of me ever seeing justice.
I hope this creep and his wife  are not abusing any more kids. I hope they are both  dead.

This is only a  part of why I am  so angry.

*I too love cats, but I don't want to be one. I'm also curious as to why you'd like to be a feline and go to the trouble of having surgeries to do this

Because I can.
Because I have a feline soul
Because I think cats are beautiful and I want to be beautiful.
I don't care what anyone else defines as beautiful for me because it isn't thier call to make. Beauty it is in the eyes of the beholder. So if the beholder is who counts and it is me beholding my body that I (we)alone live in. Being a cat is the most wonderful gift I can give to myself.I respect cats,I seek to emulate them ,they are my riole models,companions  and my spiritual guides. Self love when you finally realize you are capable of it, comes in many forms not just bubble baths and a new set of clothes and a nice haircut or a massage.
Because I don't identify with humans.
Humans destroy beauty and love to get something they want..Humans will crush others who don't fight especially if the other is different than they are or are different than they themselves would want them to be or  if they don't understand them,and they don't want to understand them sometimes they just want the other to be cast into oblivion.. They take what they want  from others as if they are entitled to it,they assume.They get caught up in thier own bullshit games and say it's TRUE (tm) and somertimes if people don't accept iTHE TRUTH (tm),they'll make them believe it even by  brute force combined with kindness until the person breaks down. Humans invented stupid shit like the right of kings,colonialism ,war ,profit ,slavery and top down hierarchical social structures.
Humans lie,humans take all that creative power  inside them and pervert it,they make each other  psychologically sick for want of control and stability in control.They will hurt each other for profit or prestige. THey take that blzing intellect and turn it into tools of manipulation,opression and abuse. They usethier opposable thumbs to wage war on thier own kind  and kill the world with it more than create beauty or health or anything good. Humans don't know how to share.They will not share even if it threatens to destroy them and the very things they hoard.. Humans try to remold everything they see into themself ,a wonderful forest  becomes a dead  monoculture"suburb".Humans have an effects,like a cancer cell in a body..and I don't identify with that.
Humans  hate wild unpredictable uncontrollable nature so much they invented lawns and lawnmowers. Humans go to jobs  they hae to earn money to pay for what grows from the Earth for free.Work is an abomination as it is forced upon us today.Humans invented consumerism and advertizing.
Humans fail to control  thier own reproduction they have kids for selfish  reasons.
The majority of humans are greedy selfish scheming,ugly hairless apes with ugly hearts.
I don't identify with that.
Sadly that kind of crap is what the magjority of humans I meet are about.

A few people however are not like that at all.And usually these people are  the walking wounded,the "insane" the artists,the outcasts,the'weak',the abused, the spiritual(notice I didn't say religious) the scapegoats,animal lovers,"liberals" ,anarchists,artists of all kinds, and deep thinkers and creative souls  so stifled  who cry out... Why! Why!! Some are snuffed out.And this is so unjust it makes me roar at the walls.
The hurt cry knowing deep down life never had to be like this..humanity can do better  than this  but it refuses to and would rather pretend and deny it..Most of humanity is psychologically sick and/or evil and self decieving ,Hell therapists can't even DEFINE to me what SANITY symptoms might be.Shrinks always define Sanity in the narrow context of how well one is coping with the insane demands of surviving in this  sick society.This same society  that they think is sane even when addictions,self-hate,war,abuse, suicide and unhappiness are everywhere as it destryes everything it touches..Society doesent look  sane at all to me...And every society is the sum of the individuals who make it.Sadly our society emulates it's socioathic "leaders" and con man business types too much.
I'm tired of  humans acting like two legged  bullshit.
I'm NOT letting myself be two legged bullshit.

I want to  be free .I want to share myself with anyone who wants what I have to offer,to explore,and appreciate  what others want to  share with me without interference from people looking to control profit from,,twist,use,manipulateor vampyrize the relationship. Life should be an interactive adventure.I want to speak ,relate and create without someone else's insecure quivering ego getting in the way of my hasppiness or thiers.. I hate working around egos that when  threatened get offended,competitive,abusive or try to merge themself into mine.I want to relate to others  as  they are,as they say they are, as unique,different, autonomous soverign  equals.It's negotiation and empathy I want  not competition and get all you can take.I go straight for the heart. To access others hearts,I offer up mine first fearlessly flaws and all,because I am not ashamed I make mistakes I have regrets,I can be a stupid asshole sometimes.Oh well.Either take it or leave it I am what I am..If you trample my heart,I don't have to  take it personallly,I realize you have made your choice.You are not worthy to be trusted.Trust is always earned and it can appear as quickly as is is gone.I don't have to be a jerk about not trusting a person. Relating to people for me is really that stark and simple and it is assesd on a real time basis,and on a past pattern basis..It's my judgement call to say yes or no to anything offered.And I think EVERYONE has the right to do this judgement  in all relationships. One way I judge is to look at thequalities of  "fruits "in what people do and say to me and others.I won't take anyones rotten fruits out thier heart and say they are nourishing ... whether anyone agrees  with my assesments of it or not I don't care.. Because I don't live lies.

Cats understand this, people don't want to..

 So I am feline. And yes I am damn angry ..Especially when I see theemotional  wasteland so many people have become.A waste  of unique potentials for  working such wonders ,creations, and love,sanity and greatness that can come from  in what  people do when thier motives are sane. A person is cut down,controlledenslaved,imprinted,cocerced, and conditioned, basically made insane,servile, or evil,before they can even begin to understand who they are,what they want to be, or what they feel or think about thiemself or thier life  for themselves.Because  the first thing stripped from a child is thier  true voice.And this makes me furious. Cats don't do that to thier own young.
I think it would make any person with a loving heart mad as hell.

[Nic]

Hi Feline!
Thank you for sharing your thoughts!   You'll be happy to know i've got a few feline friends of my own..they are uniquely special aren't they?!  What I like most about them is you can't tell them what to do!  You have to connect with them first and accept who they are..then they're open for negotiations!   At least, that's how i've come to know mine..."just let me love you MY way they seem to say.."  
So, with this wisdom in mind i'm willing to say: Ok Feline..i'll love you YOUR way!"
It's just hard for me to come to terms with someone having been so hurt by fellow human beings..( on the ACON meter, you tip the scale!), i mean to such a degree that you would reject even your own humanity..this saddens me greatly and complicates our relationship I think because I can only share with you on the human level...Is that ok?  I get a picture of you and a feeling I got when I saw the movie Birdie in the early eighties..is this how you feel?
I've never encountered your kind of outlook on life..would you say you are depressed or maybe beyond depressed?  What is beyond depressed anyway?  What would the word be?
I like your use of words..before you said you had Indian genes I knew it..don't know why but just knew it.
You're quite fascinating and very unique..guess that makes you special..
I hope your life isn't too unbearable, I really do!
If you could reconnect to your humanity..would you be willing to?  I know they're odd questions..but it's all so...unfamiliar to me..the way you are..I'm not scared though just bewildered which as you know is a familiar state of mind for an ACON..
off to ponder i am..
Later..Nic

[Anonymous]

To Nic...

First I gotta ask a silly question What's an ACON? And What's the ACON scale?And how would one know if one is on or off of  it?
 Is ACON an acronynm for Androgynous Cat Of Nethereigions? Hmm izzit another way to say Underground Panther?
Human level sharing is OK with me  because that is what you is.And you is ,so far, Ok with me just as you are .I ain't gonna ask you to turrn into something you are not just to relate to me.I don't play that way.it's not respectful to another who has a right to be different  to ask for that kind ofconformity  crap .Even though I'm not human I have lived in human ways so I can understand you..I mean I don't use a litterbox..( my butts too big anyway) And my catfreinds in fur ,they don't type( they seem unable to type anything legibly  on the keyboard So,when they do I'm calling Ripleys.)
I never saw the movie Birdie.I spent the 80's in the loon bin.
But..I may rent it if I can find a DVD of it.Thanks for the reccomend.I never can decide on what movie to rent when we go to blockbuster Now I got one to see.

You asked if I'm  depressed ,Yeah I do get pretty morose.,I am pretty pissed off and sad sometimes.I get irritated.frustrated and demoralized alot.Sometimes I'm not that way ,sometimes I'm numb,sometimes I'm not uopset at all like now .I change.Day to day,some days are better than others.My moods are changeable.I get sudden shifts.I can feel ok one minute and have dispair the next.I guess that's DID for ya.

Funny  story about the indian thing...
When I was signing up for social services in my area.The interveiwer asked me my race and "cultural identification" .I paused because I had to think,what WAS my cultural identification anyway..There wasen't a blank for felis or panthera,or leo or tigris..or even Jagura Onco...Sooo..since I didn't"feel  too white and I'm not a tribal member I was stumped..I ain't a tribal member because my family ancestor (Sizemore) pissed off some government yahoo  at some point after the civil war  and my entire line was excluded from the NA rolls I got the bullshit blood quanta  just the wrong family line....Anyways I look white.I even got blue eyes, it says caucasian on my drivers liscence Id thingy,But as I stammered,not sure what to say ,He put  in NA,I asked why,he said obviously to him I wasent white. I find out he too was Indian,A Cherokee.LOL.Takes one to know one I guess.

Thanks for being so curious..Very cat like of you.
Purrs  from De Panther..

[Portia]

Dear Feline, I’ve been quietly reading your see-sawing poetic posts: like reading a lucid and riveting William Burroughs (I don’t think he was either of those). Just want to respond on a couple of your sentences:

Humans fail to control thier own reproduction they have kids for selfish reasons.

I agree with you. I wrote a huge piece on this just before I found this board. I find the logic inescapable. I wish someone somewhere could give me a good logical reason for planned procreation. I tend very much on the “the world is a sick, sad, dangerous, place” and while it can be fun once in while and I can look on the ‘universal joke’ of life and laugh….I still couldn’t find a good reason to purposefully bring another life into the world. I really couldn’t. And I’ve not yet found anyone who can answer me!! Well that’s a big bold truth from me here. So thanks for writing that.

Shrinks always define Sanity in the narrow context of how well one is coping with the insane demands of surviving in this sick society.

Of course, this is obviously ‘true’ and has always been so to me. No doubt about it. Have you ever read/do you like reading RD Laing? (“The Politics of Experience: and the Bird of Paradise“, “Knots” etc.) I found him a huge comfort when I was teenager – echoes to my thoughts. How young/old are you by the way in human years? I’m 42 now. Just wondering, trying to get a better picture of you and your past.

Have you ever considered the description trans-species as opposed to gender? Would you like to use it?

I’ll answer for Nic above: ACON = A Child Of Narcissist.

Reading you above is like walking into someone else’s dream: surreal, fascinating, and for me somehow calming..? Can’t explain that. Strange huh? Calming. Well, I shall ponder that. But thanks... P

[Anonymous]

Hi feline,

I've been here for so long, absorbed in your expressions, sharings, vents, concerns and off-loadings, that my eyes are hangin' outa my head.

If you are gonna offend 'em, anyway ,Why not offend'em in a memorable way ?*giggle*

I laughed at this

Was there a Narcissist person or parent in your life?
Yes my mom and my father.
He was a drunk violent, abusive creep.He raped me when I was 7 While my mom was away  getting an emergency hysterectomy.(why I have no clue) An abulance took her.I remember her leaving with a towel between her legs she was bleeding so bad.

   That is so bloody awful, you were just a seven year old little girl. After that experience you have a right, or should I say even more of a right to be whoever or whatever you want to be, especially if it makes life more bearable or hopefully even happy for you.  

Anyway she's ok  now..she's 74 and gets around like a 50 year old does. We have healed alot in our relationship.She has been in therapy.I must say I am proud of how much she has changed.

Gee that is a beautiful thing to say about your mum, that you recognise her, are proud of her.  

My father  he was a mean son-of -a- bitch. But I also know he was messed up in the head too. I don't excuse him for what he did to ruin my families lives and destroy my life,but now I can say he was a totally broken,basically fucked up person inside so what can you expect from someone like this? He was miserable.Nuts. His father was an assholetoo and there was weird sexual perversions going on in his house.His mom basically cursed him on her deathbead when he was just an 8 year old boy..That's gotta hurt. My father idolized his mom too. I realize he was torn down too.I pity him like you would feel sad for the sufferings of a rabid dog it's not the dog's fault he's got rabies,but you still have to kill him to protect people from him. Likewise I have no love for my father,but I can extend compassion and I do admire his few good qualities... I am sad that the good parts that were inside him,like the knowlege of herbs and woodwork,his amazing talents

Gosh feline, I'm getting such a clear image of what a really super big hearty you've got. And it's a really good heart too, inspite of the horror ( and maybe because of) that has been inflicted on you. It's showing through here loud and clear. No wonder you've chosen to be feline, so warm and affectionate, yet so easily aloof, independant and self-sufficient. Recognizing and appreciating his (your birth father's) strengths and skills. People with woodworking skills, who love wood usually have a depth somewhere. And herbs, my gosh, I'd love to have a great knowledge of herbs, It's one of my loves. What a shame his head got so f*#ked up!

Mom  had me among other reasons to relive her  colitis. (she put that on a psych hospital admission form when it asked was the pregnancy planned)If that isn't narcissism I dunno what is.

Shit, I almost couldn't believe this.    That's bound to make you feel special, isn't it? And you need a license to drive a car, but anyone any old time can have kids. Phhhht!

The neighbor next to my house .Bruce Ekenrode was a pedophile,He abused me for a few years.He used alot of christian apocolypse  imagry during these abusive times as he was a preacher of some sort. He had  bible classes at his house,he had a filmstrip projector and a file cabinet of tracts and propaganda.What happened to me looks like "satanic ritual abuse" but it in fact was christian.His wife Leah was in on it.

What?   I find this impossible to believe, a christian who ran bible classes being a paedophile!!! (NOT)!!!
You really copped it hard as a kid, didn't you feline???

Self love when you finally realize you are capable of it, comes in many forms not just bubble baths and a new set of clothes and a nice haircut or a massage.

That is so true, and it has to be the right type for you, doesn't it?

[

I want to be free .
I want to share myself with anyone who wants what I have to offer,
to explore, and appreciate what others want to share with me
without interference from people looking to control, profit from, twist, use, manipulate or vampyrize the relationship.

Life should be an interactive adventure.
I want to speak, relate and create without someone else's insecure quivering ego getting in the way of my happiness or thiers..
I hate working around egos, that, when threatened get offended, competitive, abusive or try to merge themself into mine.

I want to relate to others as they are, as they say they are,
as unique, different, autonomous, soverign equals.
It's negotiation and empathy I want,
not competition and get all you can take.
I go straight for the heart.
To access others hearts,

I offer up mine first fearlessly
flaws and all,
because I am not ashamed
I make mistakes
I have regrets,
I can be a stupid asshole sometimes.

Oh well.
Either take it or leave it
I am what I am..
If you trample my heart,
I don't have to  take it personallly,
I realize you have made your choice.

Gee feline, that's just so damn touching, it's an absolutely beautiful expression of how you're reaching out, offering yourself, and willingly communicating of yourself. I'm floored. Completely frickin' floored like a rug, laid out!!! That was sooooo wonderful!!

Trust is always earned and it can appear as quickly as is is gone.I don't have to be a jerk about not trusting a person. Relating to people for me is really that stark and simple and it is assesd on a real time basis,and on a past pattern basis..It's my judgement call to say yes or no to anything offered.And I think EVERYONE has the right to do this judgement  in all relationships. One way I judge is to look at thequalities of  "fruits "in what people do and say to me and others.I won't take anyones rotten fruits out thier heart and say they are nourishing ... whether anyone agrees  with my assesments of it or not I don't care.. Because I don't live lies.

This is such a good healthy attitude you shared, and my what excellent imagery. What you said about taking someone's rotten fruit. YUUUUUK!! . I got the point!!

A person is cut down,controlled, enslaved, imprinted, coerced, and conditioned, basically made insane, servile, or evil, before they can even begin to understand who they are, what they want to be, or what they feel or think about themself or their life for themselves. Because the first thing stripped from a child is their true voice. And this makes me furious. Cats don't do that to thier own young. I think it would make any person with a loving heart mad as hell.

You know I've been reading about Narcissisum for a while now, and you're probably right, that the 'VOICE' is the first thing that is stripped from us. And then other experiences and relationships along the way have stripped everything else, like maybe our dignity and self-respect, and self-love, and innocence, and hopes, and dreams, and .....
and then somewhere, we try to get to the point where we can begin or try to  re-establish our identity, a new identity, and begin to re-claim or create anew (from scratch) what was stolen. That's where I think I am anyway.

I really enjoyed spending this time with you feline, and I hope you come to feel safe here,

stroke, stroke,

CG