The problem with havign bipolar is everything is so much more: pain feels unbearable. It is intensity Axa, and very hard to live with when things are difficult.
So many people with bipolar one commit suicide because they can't stand it, they get so upset or so angry or so despairing and can't see a way past it.
This is the longest I have been in a bad place for a while, I usually bounce back pretty quickly after a bad day or a bad week.
I keep doing things and trying and going from day to day. It feels like going through the motions and I want to scream, maybe I will ahve to go on meds. Hope not, i just dropped the weight from the last time.
Running is good. I'm exercising loads, can't stop actually.
When I'm like this I have to isolate myself soemwhat though, I don't take many people's calls, or seek company. It's too much for others and leads to embarassment or upsets. I'm quite good at managaing that side of things now.
Someone called me form a job yesterday and was quite unreasonable about my invoice numbers, I was looking as she said it and they were all there, in order. But I let her rant a bit, clearly someone had upset her, and I didn't react then she was fine. Her staff have started to make comments about her beign bipolar, she certainly mood swings that's for sure, she ended very nicely asking me how I'm doing these days!
So many people aren't really coping, they are so tightly wound up.
I'm not like that, I am functioning and everything about my life is very healthy: diet, work, relationships, everything really.
I just didn't anticipate all this pain and crying, I wake up in tears, I cry myself to sleep.
Tears come to my eyes over and over all day, the only time I feel normal is when I am taking care of other people yet like you with your Norbit ( if I understand that correctly. And I HATED that movie, so did my son; everyone was laughing and I was thinking what is wrong with these people... )
I know I have to break this habit of losing myself in impossible acts of self-sacrifice.
I'm starting to see that as not Christianity, or if it is it's not a good thing entirely. It's self-destructive and it'll topple me.
I've done this before, taken on more and more stuff I didn't really want to do, just to lose my feelings.
I've given away all my stuff, my money. Ex's money. He was joking that he has more money than ever now despite havign to pay alimony; he is really generous with me though, he knows I'm ill and he has said a couple of times he'll help with anything I need. That means a lot, I know so many people here really struggle with selfish ex's who don't even want to pay what they ought to.
I really want to try and sit with these feelings this time, not act any out, even if I have to get a little pharmeceutical help as well.
Moods aren't ordinary variations to you, or even if they are, you have to do the check-myself-out routine.no they are not, and these are not ordinary mood swings either.
This is usually when I suddenly commit to a huge undertaking or decide I have to take care of someone else; indeed, I have sort-of dabbled in it a bit helping church guy at work, and several other people.
I just know I have to stop, it'll go out of control.
I'm trying to pick things to do which are just for my benefit, just for my enjoyment.
I really don't have to strive and suffer in order to prove anything do I?
And yet I feel happier some way if I am, like my flawed-ness is somehow a reason to be more willing to serve, more willing to overlook problems.
I wonder if I have some kind of Saviour complex thing going on here, if there's any such thing!
My therapist is out of town, I'm supposed to see her next week.
Thanks for the hugs and for letting me just go on and on. It must be tedious- I am boring myself.
But no more Pollyanna, I really have to find what normal emotions are, despite the bipolar.
*
I asked son just how are you, are you happy? He frowned and said 'I'm fine. '
I'm never fine- it's always one extreme or another, mood swings.
Maybe I am finding the limitations of trying to manage my life without a mood stabiliser.
[things DO change. Inevitably]
they do, but I want so much to kick-start them, stop pushing the big rock uphill and let it loose, to hell with the damage....
Bit of a pattern of the dramatic life.....
