New direction?

[teartracks]

Hey Mud,

Re:  #6 post this thread.

Any projections on precious metals? 

tt

[WRITE]

Any projections on precious metals?

 

Something to break the stagnation and get things moving again.  Time to get creative perhaps and find something.  Your spirit will tell you what!

my spirit's a bit broken! I have chosen two music organisations to be involved with in the fall, and today my friend came over and blitzed my son's room/spare room and my desk is now clear, completely tidy.
Going to finish cleaning the rest of apartment later when I get back. That will free up some energy for more creative stuff.

I have painted a picture, written a poem and composed some music this week though, I am pretty creative all the time, in fact it's become a chore at times if that makes sense...

the more I become attached to myself in a healthy way the less I am attached to the external........ does that make sense.

yes Axa. Perfect sense.

what are you trying to stifle by buying a house when you REALLY feel like going somewhere and doing something? 

you think I need a trip?
I did look at flights yesterday.
Don't have much spare cash right now though.

I want to be normal and just be happy with what everyone else does, and not keep having all these intense emotions and thoughts I guess.

It's exhausting being bipolar.

I want a break from being me!

sense of emptiness that's about not falling in love with yourself.

I'm on guard constantly. Am I well/ sick....what does this or that mean....dare I risk a relationship or change in routine.....what if something stressful happens and I can't cope....

I almost want to precipitate a crisis to see if I can, which I know looks very stupid and I am not going to do, but this waiting and nothingness is driving me crazy.

I think that having been with Ns we (hope its ok to use we) have an addiction to excitement.  I really recognise this in myself, set down in my childhood of instability and alcoholic abuse.

Axa is so right; I am bored and empty and lonely and unenthralled with life.

My son doesn't need me any more, which is great but leaves me without a role; if I take roles in the community it can only be temporary or I overwhelm others or they overwhelm me.

I haven't had sex in years and don't know how to go about that or whether to even bother with a relationship, I mean what would someone who can cope with my havign this mental illness be like or be truly wanting?

I'm suspicious and not trusting, and every time I let my guard down I get bitten.

I don't know what's happening but I am losing my positivity.
Maybe I've been doing Pollyanna.

Ex did make me laugh and lighten up last night though, he said about some woman I feel guilty about not supporting her music group this year 'you want to be a good Christian and help everyone, well there's 6 billion other people you can help instead of giving BD a dose of narcissistic supply!'

I like it when he acknowledges NPD and talks about it, I do hope he goes back into therapy again.

He supported me when I disciplined our son yesterday too, I think he is seeing it as less and less a power battle about us.
Though I am not expecting the NPD to go away either...

My life is like living under several sword of Damocles, except I don't get to be waited on hand and foot 

Okay, I'm smiling, thanks so much for encouragement.

I guess I'll shake this horrible mood off soon....

[Hopalong]

Write, you are a light.

I know you'll dim and flicker now and then.
I'm so sorry you must go through it.
Moods aren't ordinary variations to you, or even if they are, you have to do the check-myself-out routine.

Who could blame you for wanting to paste Pollyanna one now and then? Not me.

Keep on checking in ... I won't tire of wherever you are. I'll want to hear it.

You are a light, and I know you won't be snuffed out either by bipolar issues or by the
regular tedious stuff.

(I'm identifying with your sense of limbo...and I find it hard too. Only thing iIm sure of is that
things DO change. Inevitably.)

much love,
Hops

[axa]

Write,

I can so identify with that sense of nothing, the bordeom etc.  I can come up with all sorts of ideas to change that but holding it and acknowledging it is a very effective way of moving it.  I became so bored with the boredom that I just had to move on.  Something I find useful is to think about what committments I make to myself.  I mean practical ones.  I can say I am committed to not going into an Norbit again but that means nothing unless I do the work.  Each little bit of self care, no matter how tiny, is how I will build myself to stay away from Norbit.  I really believe that discipine is an integral part of it.  I gave up on exercise for a few weeks and felt myself getting low.  I have to focus on the payoff after the exercise, how good I will feel about myself, my view of the world etc.  I know how hard I find this so I drag my neighbours 10 year old son out with me for a run. 

I often posted here about feeling like Pollyanna, less so these days.  I am so sorry you struggle with BP I cannot imagine the intensity of that.  But who I meet here is a smart, honest, woman struggling to live a better life.  I have great faith in you Write.  If you are like me you will want everyting to be ok......... it don't work like that honey, its all about the baby steps.

Sending extra big squashy hugs,

axa

[WRITE]

The problem with havign bipolar is everything is so much more: pain feels unbearable. It is intensity Axa, and very hard to live with when things are difficult.

So many people with bipolar one commit suicide because they can't stand it, they get so upset or so angry or so despairing and can't see a way past it.

This is the longest I have been in a bad place for a while, I usually bounce back pretty quickly after a bad day or a bad week.

I keep doing things and trying and going from day to day. It feels like going through the motions and I want to scream, maybe I will ahve to go on meds. Hope not, i just dropped the weight from the last time.

Running is good. I'm exercising loads, can't stop actually.

When I'm like this I have to isolate myself soemwhat though, I don't take many people's calls, or seek company. It's too much for others and leads to embarassment or upsets. I'm quite good at managaing that side of things now.

Someone called me form a job yesterday and was quite unreasonable about my invoice numbers, I was looking as she said it and they were all there, in order. But I let her rant a bit, clearly someone had upset her, and I didn't react then she was fine. Her staff have started to make comments about her beign bipolar, she certainly mood swings that's for sure, she ended very nicely asking me how I'm doing these days!

So many people aren't really coping, they are so tightly wound up.
I'm not like that, I am functioning and everything about my life is very healthy: diet, work, relationships, everything really.
I just didn't anticipate all this pain and crying, I wake up in tears, I cry myself to sleep.
Tears come to my eyes over and over all day, the only time I feel normal is when I am taking care of other people yet like you with your Norbit ( if I understand that correctly. And I HATED that movie, so did my son; everyone was laughing and I was thinking what is wrong with these people... )

I know I have to break this habit of losing myself in impossible acts of self-sacrifice.

I'm starting to see that as not Christianity, or if it is it's not a good thing entirely. It's self-destructive and it'll topple me.

I've done this before, taken on more and more stuff I didn't really want to do, just to lose my feelings.
I've given away all my stuff, my money. Ex's money. He was joking that he has more money than ever now despite havign to pay alimony; he is really generous with me though, he knows I'm ill and he has said a couple of times he'll help with anything I need. That means a lot, I know so many people here really struggle with selfish ex's who don't even want to pay what they ought to.

I really want to try and sit with these feelings this time, not act any out, even if I have to get a little pharmeceutical help as well.

Moods aren't ordinary variations to you, or even if they are, you have to do the check-myself-out routine.

no they are not, and these are not ordinary mood swings either.

This is usually when I suddenly commit to a huge undertaking or decide I have to take care of someone else; indeed, I have sort-of dabbled in it a bit helping church guy at work, and several other people.

I just know I have to stop, it'll go out of control.

I'm trying to pick things to do which are just for my benefit, just for my enjoyment.

I really don't have to strive and suffer in order to prove anything do I?

And yet I feel happier some way if I am, like my flawed-ness is somehow a reason to be more willing to serve, more willing to overlook problems.

I wonder if I have some kind of Saviour complex thing going on here, if there's any such thing!

My therapist is out of town, I'm supposed to see her next week.

Thanks for the hugs and for letting me just go on and on. It must be tedious- I am boring myself.

But no more Pollyanna, I really have to find what normal emotions are, despite the bipolar.

*
I asked son just how are you, are you happy? He frowned and said 'I'm fine. '

I'm never fine- it's always one extreme or another, mood swings.

Maybe I am finding the limitations of trying to manage my life without a mood stabiliser.

[things DO change. Inevitably]

they do, but I want so much to kick-start them, stop pushing the big rock uphill and let it loose, to hell with the damage....

Bit of a pattern of the dramatic life.....

[WRITE]

wow I just read that and noticed two things, really bad spelling and wow what a negative mood, but also- this is the first time I've had this overall overview with insight when I've been this bad.

It's bad and it's horrible but I totally know and acknowledge it's bipolar.

I used to drink heavily when it was like this, I have had the urge to but nor acted on it or even been tempted like in the store or around booze.

I used to talk myself into it at this point because the pain was so bad.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Write,

I understand that and I'm so glad you've not talked yourself into drinking this time.
That is great progress... to sit with the pain.
To me, it's like an old, old dream I used to have often... of being able to breathe underwater, with no devices or air tanks.
I'm still learning so much from you and I thank you for pressing through....

With love,
Hope

[Hopalong]

Write, hon, it sounds so hard. I'm sorry. At the same time,
your insights sound so TRUE. Hope you'll print this one out
and treasure it to look back on later. It's wise wise wise.

I know when I finally got fed up with acute panic attacks,
I went to the doctor and said medication please, I'm tired
of trying to be a hero.

It does sound as though that's a good idea. Maybe your brain
needs the help right now. Is there a new med or different dosage
that might be more tolerable?

Don't let it go too far, hon. Remember, you've been through a
very stressful period so it's only natural that your illness might be
worse than usual when it's triggered. Why not get some help?

You hang in and post War and Peace if you want to. That's what
this place is for, and if you're weathering a crisis, let it blow here!

((((((((((((((Write))))))))))))

love
Hops

[moonlight52]

Dear Write ,

I soooooooooo understand the way you are feeling Write.
If it gets to be too hard there are medications that do not effect your ability to feel deeply.
I can pm you a couple of medications that  have helped me but yet do not lessen creativity.

So sorry you are feeling stress out.And the ups and downs can be too fast or just not coming back up is so difficult.
Your way of describing bipolar is amazing.

I wish I could make it easier for you !!!!!!!!I care and send prayers of love.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Write)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Write Things will get better meds or not do not forget that it will get better.
So much love to you and more

m

[WRITE]

Thanks CH Hops Moon.

What a day, I don't know where it went...but it's almost done. Thank G_d.

No, I won't drink again. I joke I'll take a drink when I am 80.

The problem with the meds is it's all trial and error and things can get worse before better.
A lot of doctors think meds are the only way with bipolar, and minimise the side-effects and dangers to fit their world-view.

I do think a lot of this has been triggered by leaving the local church, by wanting to confront the sexist pastor. Such things worry me so much, much more than other people. Who else worries about this stuff??? Who else cares??? It's laughable really.

I'm glad I was cautious and didn't get involved with church guy, I would hate someone to see me like this, and it leaves me vulnerable to abusers or to beign rejected outright.

Don't know how I would manage that in a relationship actually.
Ex has known me so many years he never worried too much about my er eccentricities this way.
Have this fantasy that in future relationship I just disappear fro a few days/weeks/months so no one has to see it. Probably not practical.

I looked at a photo of church guy's ex wife on the internet, she's an opera singer.

Am I becoming obsessed with him now?

Yet he was mean to me, so curious more than obsessed. I wonder if he was mean to her I mean.

I wish I could take a holiday from being me, maybe I should do the xanax breaks my Prof-doc suggested.

Everyone seems to think it's too much to cope unmedicated totally.

I did comfort-eat a little at lunch, and sleep in my son's bed all huddled up, he came up and held me for a while.

He's playing with a friend now.

I used to worry that he doesn't have a perfect time of it with my illness, but actually now i am secretly glad, it does bring out some compassion in him. Sometimes he sounds so like his dad's worst moments...

I'm supposed to sing tonight but I'll have to stay home.
Or should I go?
I feel so indecisive, so pressured for nothing. No one will die if I don't go, after all.
And my face is all blotchy, several of my friends will be there, they will worry about me if I go.
I don't want anyone to see me like this.

I wish I was young and carefree and unspoiled again.
I used to walk in the rain and wind and feel so free and optimistic.

It says in the DBSA guidelines that the main thing with bipolar is hope- trusting in the future and the good.

But I wonder why G_d has abandonned me?
That's how it feels.

I wish I'd never tried to find a church.
But then I have made so many friends, but also I have met other stranger people there who have been difficult.

I am difficult? I don't know, I try not to be. But I saw this guy on the news last night, a new republican candidate here. He looked so wrong for want of a better word for politics, a caricature of a Texas politician. So retrograde, so scarily unintelligent. No light in his eyes. I want to take on the system, the world, I want to say stop, listen, don't do this. He said he supports the war in Iraq, the next story was a young man blown to bits in combat. Why do people encourage this stuff?

Should I have looked at the photo of church guy's ex wife? I am worried that I am losing all perspective.
Is curiosity normal? Is it normal to be scared by the 9 o clock news?

My sister doesn't even watch the news, she'd say 'who cares'.

I used to watch my family when I was growing up, and they were so into their own little world, it was all that mattered to them, smoking, drinking, doing household projects over and over and over. They all still iron their clothes and redecorate yearly and follow clothes fashions.

I am so out of step with it all, I don't fit anywhere any more.

Strangely this afternoon I got an email of photos from a friend whose bipolar was really bad when I first came to Houston.
She had to give up work and go into hospital.
She looks really well again, when I tried to reply the same address bounced back.

I keep seeing these things as signs, that's part of the illness too, I am thinking 'what does it mean'.

Ex had a function in all of this you know, he would say firmly 'nothing'.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Write,

I just picked out a few things here, because the responses are just begging to be typed...

"I do think a lot of this has been triggered by leaving the local church, by wanting to confront the sexist pastor. Such things worry me so much, much more than other people. Who else worries about this stuff??? Who else cares??? It's laughable really."

I care. I think like this... worrying about this sorta stuff...  and imo, it's not laughable, really, it's idealistic and strongly opinionated and... it's you - at times!
Sometimes it's me, too, although a great deal of that has been tempered by time and a fairly newly-found interest in choosing my battles wisely (which accompanied a not-so-newly-discovered awareness that I have a limited amount of time and energies).

 
"I wish I could take a holiday from being me..."
Smiling here... me, too! Then I stumble into the arms of Jesus and He reminds me that I'm not alone in this.

"I am difficult?"
No. You are different. Different is good. That uniqu-ity is the image of God in you - made in His image, imo, fearfully and wonderfully so.

"Is curiosity normal?"
I sure hope so, because I woulda looked at her picture! Yes, yes, I am nosy.

"Is it normal to be scared by the 9 o clock news?"
imo, it'd be abnormal not to be frightened by the news... or numb.

"I used to watch my family when I was growing up, and they were so into their own little world, it was all that mattered to them, smoking, drinking, doing household projects over and over and over. They all still iron their clothes and redecorate yearly and follow clothes fashions.

I am so out of step with it all, I don't fit anywhere any more."

Me too, either. So what?

"I keep seeing these things as signs, that's part of the illness too, I am thinking 'what does it mean'.

Ex had a function in all of this you know, he would say firmly 'nothing'."

That's what my husband says to me, too, and so I will pass it on to you here...
it means... Nothing.  You are complete and so it's okay for it to mean absolutely nothing!

Love you dear Write,
Hope






[/quote]

[WRITE]

I don't know if you could have told that I wasn't bipolar.  Because I would become terribly, terribly upset and non-functional.

oh that's what bipolars are is it?! 
I'm not like this all the time honestly!

It's all so intense this week.

I don't think God is behind it anyway.

Agreed, though yesterday I wondered if I should stop believing, stop trying to make sense out of religion, stop following Jesus' teachings like a lunatic ( I don't see Jesus as G_d )

I don't know if it all makes me worse, soemone told me once that there's a fine line between religious belief and psychosis.

I don't do anything bad in G_d's name though, or think people should follow me or criticise anyone else.

I think I just wanted to be accepted.

My friend told me yesterday that the eucharist means nothign to her, she woudl just take it so it didn't look odd if she was the only one not doigna  ritual.
I couldn't do that CB, never. I'd get hysterical!

Just much love.

you are such a good Christian. Love is the only thing will do really.

Love to you too, and don't let the court stuff upset you too much.

choosing my battles wisely (

this is about the tenth time this phrase came up this week.

I certainly don't do that lately.

I woulda looked at her picture! Yes, yes, I am nosy.

she's so pretty, he had said she was. Poor guy, she really broke his heart up. No wonder he's mean, but I'm not mean am I? Ex broke my heart and my spirit. People don't have to be mean just cause they're hurt. That's a choice. Or a habit.

I must be nosy too!

You are complete and so it's okay for it to mean absolutely nothing!

Love you dear Write,
Hope

Thank you, and love right back to you.

I don't know how I would have gotten through today without y'all.

Pretty calm now, going to go buy pillows with ex for visitors tomorrow.

Not going to sing; another time.

Love to everyone.

[WRITE]

hope that didnt offend

no, I thought it was funny!

Here's to a brighter week next week--for both of us!

absolutely!

Think I'll walk dog and swim, then have a cup of tea then sleep.

I wonder if sometimes I am too intense with everything, never off-duty, since I've been workign for myself. Even when I am not working/ writing/ reading/ preparing/ book-keeping etc I feel like I ought to be.

Are there special skills d'you think for managing working from home/ self-employment.

I have lost the plot this week.

[lighter]

I dunno Write.

That feeling of wanting to take on the world and champion some challenge, some cause that is deserving and needs championed.... I have that too.

Maybe it's from unresolved abuse or issues we have?  Sometimes I think it is.

Maybe it's something we do to feel alive and not so stagnant?  Just being still leaves room to examine where we are and that's hard to do all the time.  Maybe we need to get better at it? 

Not sure.

Maybe it's just part of us and we're people who are deeply moved when we see an injustice?

I like to think that it's the third but I don't kid myself. 

I have issues. 

I avoid things I want to avoid sometimes by taking on things that aren't mine. 

Just because they're worthy causes doesn't excuse me from handling all the mundane everday stuff in my life. 

Is it an escape? 

Probably, sometimes. 

As for being curiouse about the opera singer. 

I vote that's perfectly normal.

The fact that he/church boy was mean to you, so early in the relationship esp, pretty much means he was mean to her too, in my book.  I guess I'd bet something quite large on it, anyway. 

For me, big attraction means BIG excitement....BIG highs and corresponding lows.  Never fails. 

I thought I'd figured things out and chose a man to marry that repelled me this last time. 

Eventually he didn't repel me then it was the silly grin all over again. 

Darnit. 

Turned out.... my radar was working well and I should have trusted it. 

I'd grown and learned a lot. 

I made the selection based on old habits and information. 

I KNEW better.  I just didn't trust myself and I'll pay for the rest of my life. 

It happens. 

Now.... I know what to do with the men that put a grin on my face from ear to ear (if that still happens)..... and with the ones that repell me. 

Whatever will I do if I meet a man who simply stands before me, as an adult, and ask to know me for the sake of knowing me.  Not for information he can use to manipulate me and change my answers into the ones he wants me to give?

I hope I know what I'll do with him.

I hope you can feel OK with taking time for yourself and withdrawing when you need to in any future relationship.

You can ask that for yourself. 

It's not like you have to conform to some magic list of relationship rules..... always be present...... be on call to meet the needs of another. 

You get to have needs...... ensure they're met too, right?

Sorry this so rambling and long, Write. 

I like the idea of a relationship with space and honestly, acceptance of the whole person, warts and all. 


 

[WRITE]

Maybe it's just part of us and we're people who are deeply moved when we see an injustice?

I like to think that it's the third but I don't kid myself. 

I have issues. 

I think I have always felt especially when younger and I didn't understand some of the wacky things ( and sometimes unkind things ) I did when I was manic, I adopted this way of being perfect the rest of the time, not perfect but trying to be. I thought it mitigated if i got out of control and did something bad!

And then I do have a dislike of injustice and cruelty, and a big mouth....I'm pretty fearless in public where most people don't like to speak up, that's the performer in me.

I hope you can feel OK with taking time for yourself and withdrawing when you need to in any future relationship.

church guy called today, he told me things trigger him still; I don't think he's over his marriage break-up yet. Not surprising, she is the most beautiful woman with a beautiful opera voice.

I told him I can't get too involved with people, I'm too intense and need to withdraw periodically.

It's interesting Lighter, being attracted to someone triggers so much for me now, because you should see how my ex looks at me, the same light in his eyes, and look how that's been. We hadn't been married a week the last time when he moved out of our bed and said he didn't really want a sex life; if I hadn't been pregnant I would have had the marriage annulled!

I'm always awaiting ( and maybe provoking ) a rejection.

But what struck me so much yesterday is, I have my own life. I'm not married, I'm not even dating and I am not responsible for anyone but me and son and to some extent ex.

And that's where my main energy should go right now, especially into my health whilst I get through all this stressful change.

It's not like you have to conform to some magic list of relationship rules..... always be present...... be on call to meet the needs of another. 

exactly.
I got a bit confused somewhere.

I was really happy to talk to church guy today, I won't see him for a while now until we do a concert together later in the year, but things are cool between us.

We're both just a bit broken still, and working on ourselves, and it's not the time for us to begin a relationship.
It's fine.

I like the idea of a relationship with space and honestly, acceptance of the whole person, warts and all. 

me too.
But like in my case that's bipolar not unmanaged bipolar!