A letter to my mother on the anniversary of dad's death.

[rosencrantz]

Accompanies a book : It Must Have Been Moonglow. Reflections on the First Year of Widowhood by Phyllis Greene.

Dear Mum

Time keeps moving on...

I don’t share my feelings much.  Perhaps I learn that from Dad.  I usually show caring via gestures - gifts, cards, being ‘helpful’, sharing information, etc.  

When Dad died, I bought this book for you - at the time, you seemed too  fragile to accept it in the positive way I intended and so I have been waiting until the time would seem right.

I think I understand now that you felt very angry then.  It felt as if you received everything I tried to give you as a weapon to use against me.  Perhaps you were using it as a weapon against yourself.  Overwhelming pain makes us very complicated creatures, doesn’t it?  

The reason I bought this book for you was because it was a story from the heart.  Someone a little like you, she experienced bereavement in her 80s and  wrote about re-creating a life for herself ‘as it happened’.  As others appear to have done, I thought that you might find compassion, solace and hope in it.

So, this now is my gift to you, along with a bouquet of bright yellow tulips the colour of  life, hope and rebirth, some to keep and some for the grave, to mark the one year anniversary of the sad event of a year ago.

You’ve made tremendous strides this last year, painful tho it has been.  Me, too.  I know it will get progressively easier even tho the ‘getting easier’ is intertwined with the pain of knowing the past is fading.  It hurts very much to let go of a safer, happier past and face a more challenging future.

Try to be aware that tender feelings which cause you pain are not proof that the world wishes you ill but know instead that the people around you are trying to reach out and help, inasmuch as you will let them,  in the best way they can.

I thought you would want me to warn you that there are some papers (2) inserted amongst the pages of the book which may make you feel sad.  I found them in Dad’s address book amongst all the bills.  I wanted to send them back to you earlier but, again, the timing didn’t seem right.  But if you feel strong enough to look, a year on, you’ll find that his heart is still here with you.

We will never lose who he was to us, will we, as that’s firmly ensconced in our hearts.

Take care.

One piece of paper is a poem in my father's handwriting :

The life that I have
is all that I have
and the life that I have
is yours.

The love that I have
of the life that I have
is yours and yours and yours.

Asleep I shall live
a rest I shall have
yet death will be but a pause

For the peace of my years
in the long green grass
will be yours and yours and yours.

Leo Marks, 1943, 20 years old.
       

The other piece of paper is a wedding anniversary wish - I'm not sure if it was from my mother to my father or vice versa.

As you might imagine, there's plenty of 'sub-text' in that letter.  Like 'let go of the long ago past, too - let ME go, too!!!' And 'I wouldn't share my feelings with you if you were the last person on earth.'

I guess the sub-sub-text is 'I understand'.

I think this is probably the first time that I have used my own 'voice' (of compassion and consideration) with my mother.  No, that's not true.  It's the first time I have used my voice of compassion and consideration and known she can't hurt me.  But I have more 'understanding' that I've had before.

I have no hopes, no expectations.  In fact, I'm going to quote here from an earlier post of mine (edited):

Oh God how much I want to reach you, who you really are, pull you out from that terrible place and look after you. But God how you hurt me. I just have to come near you and you fight me and spite me. The more I reach in to you, the more you hurt me and I retire wounded, damaged, depleted...

But I tell you, the reality had better not ever come to pass cos quite frankly the amount of pain and bullying I've had to withstand, when I pull you out of there, I don't want you around me. Ever.

R

[rosencrantz]

PS On re-reading this, I realise just how much my mother likes to look a gift horse in the mouth.  That it really isn't my problem. And just how much she's missed out on with her irrational desires for possession and revenge.

She actually does have a WONDERFUL daughter!!!!!  

I feel desperately, ache-ingly sorry for her but the words honour and respect have no place in our relationship.  Perhaps understanding will gradually replace contempt but I won't hold myself to it.
R

[Anonymous]

Hi Roencrantz,

You're such a caring person, and your mum is so lucky and doesn't realise it. Or maybe she does    and doesn't know what to do with it or can't receive it, or has no, or broken, inbuilt receivers or antannae for such qualities in others.

You clearly express your care, it comes through in so much that you say.

And I don't know about the stuff about not showing your feelings. I suppose it all depends on your perception, who you're with, and what you feel are other's expectations. It all turns into fruit salad at this point for me.

I guess after reading this letter to your mum, and then reading your dad's beautiful poem, I'm thinking or reminded of  the story you wrote about when your dad phoned your son last Easter (was it?), independantly of your mum, and the painful experience that followed. And then here you are, one short year later, reaching out, writing her this wonderfully open-hearted letter.

I hope she acknowledges your mutual pain and grief, and recognises your loss at this 1st anniversary.

I'll pause here and say you have my warmest thoughts and deepest sympathies at the first anniversary of your father's passing. As time passes and you remember the wonderful moments you shared with him, and the strengths you recognised in him, I hope that you can record these thoughts for your's and your son's benefit.

I sure hope you made a copy his poem for your mum, and kept the original for yourself.  

Gosh, sharing him with her in this way, through his poem, is such a clear expression of your feelings of love, forgiveness, kindness and generosity.  I don't think I would have been able to do that. I wouldn't ever want to ever share anything about him with her again. But then I guess I'm backwards in this whole area of healing.

I hope she 'reads' it, because it seems so much of it turned out to be true. He did give her his life. That is so sad in some ways.

I think you inherited your ability to express your feelings in writing from your dad, isn't that just so lovely that he lives on in you. I wonder if your son has that gift too?

((((Rosencrantz))))

Love CG

[Wildflower]

Thank you so much for sharing this letter to your mom with us, R.  And what a nice thing to send her pretty yellow tulips along with the book and the papers.    I bet you're right that she might not appreciate it, but it's so great that you were able to send them anyway.  It was about doing what you felt was right, without worrying about her reaction, am I right?

I feel desperately, ache-ingly sorry for her but the words honour and respect have no place in our relationship. Perhaps understanding will gradually replace contempt but I won't hold myself to it.

This really touched me.  I was feeling a bit out of control with my anger, and while I don't really want to stuff it down again, I don't want it to take over either.  This really helped bring me back down and remember how, in spite of it all, I do feel so sorry for her.  And I think I can do that now without compromising myself - because she can't convince me I'm worthless again.  I won't let her.  So thanks for sharing this letter and your response to it.

Wildflower

[Nic]

HI!

Difficult time for you..Rosencrantz, one year later.  Your dad, I remember you writing, was a very nice person..knew what you were going through but couldn't quite help you because of his devotion to your mom.  I think you know how much he loved you.  The fact he would have such a lovely poem ( which I wrote down on a piece of beautiful white parchment btw.) amongst his personal effects demonstrates how close he was to his feelings for you too.

I'm envious that you at least connected with one of your parents and that you could feel it!  I'm also happy for you that you could..

Keep on keeping on Rosencrantz, you're doing great. I've grown quite attached to you myself!
Thinking of you on this one year anniversary.
Love Nic

[rosencrantz]

Thanks, you guys.  I know.  Thanks.

It's a famous poem but it shows where his heart was, even if he wasn't allowed to show it much - or, like me, found a shell to protect himself  behind.  And it is special to him because he was stationed at Bletchley Park for part of the war (that's where they deciphered all the codes - Enigma and all that)
http://www.cs.rice.edu/~ssiyer/minstrels/poems/197.html

As far as feelings are concerned, my wording was really just signalling to my mother to "look out, there's some caring about"!!!  "You may not see what you think you want to see but this is how I (am prepared) to express my feelings towards you."  She really has no idea that a gift is intended to be caring - she'd see it as some mean, spiteful 'message' of some kind.  (And it was also my realisation that I'm always sharing information and it is a 'gift' and 'caring'.)  

I actually tore out the first page of the book as it had a picture and autobiography of the author.  The CV celebrated academic and community success and she'd just use that to belittle the gift.  She'd feel belittled by it.  It would press her shame button.  So she would belittle me to get rid of the feelings and dump them somewhere else.  But even the most innocent expression of hope is full of spiteful meaning for her - how can you help someone like that??!

I guess I'm saying I had the confidence to be me and express my intention irrespective of how she would be inclined to receive it.  I define me; she doesn't.  And therefore I can define me as 'caring' and pursue it throughout the letter and demonstrate it to be true.  Each paragraph was full of effort to stay upright and deal with each of the blows she might 'choose' to experience and which I would then have to experience in turn.  Explaining in minute detail every nuance of the gift.

I've been surprised and then blown away to discover that people perceive me as this kind, considerate, compassionate, caring person.  I had no idea.  When people say something like - 'that was considerate (but you know that of course)' or 'how much patience you showed' - I did???  I was???  I have no idea - because I've been defined by a mother who can't 'see' anything nice coming in her direction so all I'm doing is walking a tightrope, 'expressing my meaning carefully'.  

And, sadly, my H seems to have many of these traits, too.  Both of them create in me the negativity they crave in order to beat up on themselves - and then they blame me and 'make me' suffer for it!!!!!

Well, I'm much more 'objective' with my H now.  I'm absolutely not going to take the care with him I take with my mother.  She has real 'mental health' problems and absolutely no insight into her situation - whether or not she is diagnosed and whether or not she is getting the right kind of mental health care.  He's not in the same category.  

I 'hissed' something at him the other day.  (I'm an equal - not a therapist giving feedback or a parent protecting any more.)  'Get your act together and don't do this damaging thing'.  I won't put my carapace on or stomp about either - I'll 'front up' to you instead.  Call it how it is.  Use my insight.  Put a stop to it.  You can sulk for days if you like, but I'll call it like it is.  I'm not afraid any more.  Come on, keep up!  Be responsible.  Grow up.  Let out the child.  Get off your high horse.  I feel (almost) that he was startled - but we've got work to do and he's been dreaming.  (Channelling again!!!)  

But he has a sane brain; he has logic and objectivity to call on (even if he doesn't!!).  My mother is lost in her own world.  Only she does nice things for other people but, even then, she believes that those things are never appreciated, never recognised (because she can't 'see' anything nice coming towards her).  You know why??!  Because anyone who is nice to her is in competition with her for 'nice' of the year! - and no-one can be allowed to 'win' because that would mean her whole world would come tumbling down!!!  And unfortunately she only does 'nice' things in expectation of a payoff (manipulative) - and people know and don't respond kindly.

It really is no wonder I've spent so much of my life being confused AND not known who I am.  I can almost see how she made me into her rescuer (be considerate), then victim (you'll never win), then tyrant/persecutor (and anyway you are always bad) and how that translates into my life as an adult coping with other people.

Well, I've spent hours here again 'chatting' with you!!  I just can't seem to get away!!  

I really do see how horrible that letter is from my mother's perspective,  however much caring a normal person might see.  So I'm grateful for the feedback.  My H thinks it's a terrific letter, too.  

Love all you guys, too!!!
Take care
R

[Peanut]

Hi R:  

I really liked your letter.  I thought it was very well written and had just the right 'tone' that you stated that you were trying to achieve.

I'm curious though - how are YOU feeling on the anniversary of your Dad's death?

I remember 'the firsts' after my mom's and dad's, and I'm wondering how your experience has been.

I get the thing about your mom re:  this.  My mom slapped me standing right in front of my dad's coffin at his funeral because I wasn't paying enough attention to HER, so...

I want to know about YOU!

Warmest regards, Peanut  

[Peanut]

Just to follow up...

Why do you think that you did not express how you were feeling about your Dad's anniversary in your letter?

[Anonymous]

It's a famous poem but it shows where his heart was,

Yes, it must have really spoken to or connected with his soul for him to write it down. And being a soldier, it just doesn't fit with the popular image of a soldier, does it? Recording poetry I mean. I love it.

I really do see how horrible that letter is from my mother's perspective  

Yes, well you more than anyone would know about that. I can't imagine how complex this whole situation has been for you. I mean, I would have been shopping for a month to pick the present with the least amount of 'problems'. Even the wrapping paper would have taken me and my war council a week to decide on.  

But I hope you are okay at this time, even though I know he's inside you now.

Well done & ((hug)) & love

CG

[rosencrantz]

LOL CG - You've just written in one sentence what I've just taken hours to work out!!!!!  

I realised that what I was trying to achieve in my letter was 'sanity' and 'truth' more than caring.  

I discovered  the book and I chose the flowers.  I searched for a long time and bought several before I found this book but felt passionately that it was the most appropriate.  My next thought is that I'd better justify it pretty damn quick or else there'll be hell to pay.  Why did I choose this book?  What made me choose those flowers?  I'm not sure!!!  She could say it was for this mean reason or that mean reason so I've got to work very hard on making the N/F part of me be understood and represented in words.  

Right, I've worked it out - these are the words that represent that heart/soul decision.  Am I quite, quite sure that's true?  No nasty little surprises lurking within my soul???  Am I really quite, quite, sure I haven't got a negative intent lurking somewhere in the depths of my unconscious?  Right, OK.  No - just let's have another little check - heart, mind, soul - absolutely, totally clean???  If there is the merest speck of dust, I'd better clean it up and inspect it 'just in case' and 'sort it out'.  OK, whiter than white.  No mean sting in the tail anywhere in sight.  Sure???  OK, everything sanitised.  (No wonder I'm exchausted!)

Next stage...

I'd better spell out my intention so clearly that nobody could possibly misunderstand.  Using language with total precision, with any luck, I'll escape this interaction unscathed or at least only a little battle-scarred.  (High hopes, always fail).  What still nags at me is that these gifts weren't the perfect solution.  But actually there isn't a perfect solution and I can just go on hesitating for weeks, months, years waiting for a better solution!!!  (As indeed I do in much of my life)  I could give something innocuous, or I could 'throw money at' the solution.  But I actually do want to put my heart into it. I want to express 'who I am' - to express my own voice and not be invisible!!!   I want to be my passionate, feeling, caring self!      

But, yes, CG - I'm OK.  As usual, I'd been more worried about my mother and how to handle things than thinking about my own feelings about dad's death.  And, anyway, I'm not supposed to have any feelings!!  My mother sincerely found it strange that I should have any grieving to do.   ooops - there's that   again.   I'm learning.
R

[Anonymous]

Hi Rosencrantz

I'm so glad you replied because I wanted to ask you a question and then I thought not to, cause it could be so frickin' insensitive of me to analyse your situation with your mum at this special time. But then I think, "bugger it, I'll ask you my dumb question anyway and you can tell me to bugger-off if I'm being invasive, and that would be okay with me. " I'd understand."

Is your mum the type to show her friends your gift and card and letter, and use it as centre-peice topic of conversation with others? Would she let, or even encourage them all to analyse, and to scoff at your gift and card? And allow, and even enjoy them imposing their ignorant, biased, tainted distorted opinions of your gift and card and letter? All created by her views and comments in the first place.

((hug))

CG

[rosencrantz]

You're not insensitive by nauture CG - you're straightforward.  Intention is everything.  Makes a difference.  

And, apres tout, the answer is very short : no, in a word!! (Me, use one word - never!!!)  

I think her shame button is too big.  She'd use a gift to demonstrate that she is thought about, cared for, but nag me in private for its subtle hurtful slights and imperfections (as she saw it).  She's not devious.  She's not strong enough to do what I hear some mothers doing.  I suppose she might be patronising eg say 'she meant well' in order to demonstrate that she'd brought me up properly as a 'nice' daughter.  She's walking on a tightrope of her own making here, isn't she!  She's saying "I need you to be terrible but I can't have you be too terrible or that will reflect on me as a bad mother and that's even worse."

The more I write all this, the more I see that she really does have quite entrenched mental health problems.  I've learnt so much about living more contentedly, effectively but she doesn't want to know - 'learning' means you are imperfect doesn't it and I guess that would never do (especially from a daughter).  Trying to share stuff with her - in all humility - just brings out the worst in her.  She rejects all sorts of things as 'not good enough' (meals on wheels, psychologist's visits - it's not just me ) so her pride stops her even starting on the road to health.  

Actually, I'm still amazed that she signed a sheet of paper that described her as having mental health problems!!!  Perhaps she thought it just meant 'depression'!  

I think it's possible to choose not to hold her in contempt any more (I've moved on since my earlier post!) nor laugh at her (my own defences against being hurt and being driven mad by her) - because I understand.  And I can express my caring because I can and because she can no longer define me otherwise.  It is a 'grown up' kind of protecting.  But that's because I'm now an adult while she's still a  child!!!  But I don't expect that I will increase the amount of verbal contact or visits. I'm still allergic to her.  I'm not THAT strong!!!!!  I'll still need   as a sanity check!!!

I've learnt so much from you, CG - how to protect someone without rescuing them, as well as   !   But I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say that I'm sure there's a great big hole waiting for me to fall into.  I've been lucky here - really strong support around me from different kinds of people which has enabled me to find out 'where I'm really coming from'.  If I'm exposed to craziness again - I'm not sure I won't just get confused again and be right back where I started from.  

'Defining' me is deciding what my motivations are.  'Defining' me is deciding what I intended.  'Defining' me is implying I said something and then taking it for granted that I did in such a convoluted way that I can't find my way out.  'Defining' me is anything that confuses me!!!  If I feel confused, there be scorpions!!!   The confusion is in me because I can't draw back far enough to find an objective view.  My uncertainty will always be there cos she's programmed it into me.  She has no intention to confuse - it is simply the consequence of the state of her mental health.

To survive, to avoid the damage she inflicts on my mind and soul, and that others could impose, the alternative is to remember what has happened here, remember when and how and why I felt strong and stick like a limpet to that feeling, turn away from confusion.  And just keep marching on regardless with a   in my pocket to keep me company!!!  

Actually maybe I'm having a bad day but it all seems totally hopeless.  All these words, guarding against the truth that no matter how hard I work at it, it's all hopeless.  He's gone.  He'll never say well done, you finally sorted your mother out.  What he wanted to know in his last days was 'what is it about you and your mother'.  Well, now I can tell him but he had to 'go' before I could find out.  He had to get out of the way and I had to descend into madness myself.

Hopeless, really, really hopeless.  I did it Dad and look, it's hopeless.  It's hopeless because it won't bring you back and it's hopeless because it's just a hopeless situation.  I'll never be able to give her what she wants BECAUSE she is incapable of receiving it and BECAUSE she drives me mad.  I'll never be able to 'be' myself with her - at the best a substitute protector like you were.      

My H just came in so the tears had to go.  I don't need scooping up.  Just realistic.  I'm off to have a caffeine break.  And I've just learnt I can type even when the screen is invisible for all the tears!!!  
R

[rosencrantz]

I came back, wrote some more.  Something else 'hopeless' then something special to share.  I was just about complete, the word 'joy'  entered my head.  I hit the mouse feeling triumphant and the whole message disappeared.  I've had a terrible headache ever since. And now the headache is getting in the way of thinking - but I've found some music to listen to so I'm off to 'chill'. The actual 'anniversary' is tonight close to midnight UK time.
R

[rosencrantz]

Just been sitting pondering, wondering about phoning my mother.  I'm going to leave it for another day.  Make sure things have arrived. Give her time to 'subside' after whatever emotion grabs her. Keeping connected with you guys just by staying near the screen.  

I just noticed this, CG :  

it just doesn't fit with the popular image of a soldier, does it? Recording poetry I mean. I love it.

 There was too much sentimentality and naive heroism and millions lost their lives in the First World War, but (you have reminded me) some great poetry came out of it.

If I should die, think only this of me:
That there's some corner of a foreign field
That is for ever England...

And think, this heart, all evil shed away,
A pulse in the eternal mind, no less
Gives somewhere back the thoughts by England given;
Her sights and sounds; dreams happy as her day;
And laughter, learnt of friends; and gentleness,
In hearts at peace, under an English heaven.
Rupert Brooke
http://www.oucs.ox.ac.uk/ltg/projects/jtap/tutorials/intro/

A century on, we may think differently about combat, but this extract about dying gives me a feeling of peace and forgiveness and I'll stick with that for now.  Thanks for the prompt to look further afield and find this. And thanks Peanut for the invitation to share my feelings.  And thanks to the people posting about music which reminded me to listen to some of my own favourites.  I've neglected myself for too long.
R

[Wildflower]

Your dad was proud of you, R.


((((((((((R))))))))))

Wildflower