Thanks everyone!
The reason my mother and I didn't speak for 18 months was b/c of a big argument we had where i finally told her what i thought about her kind of "mothering". The year before I had named our son in honor of my grandfather (HER father) but she dissed everyone at the Christening and never showed up over some trivial comment i had made which she twisted into something ugly. She ignored me for 2 months - even when i fell ill and couldn't take care of my NB. So i had to have my MIL (out of state) come and extend her visit for a month while my MIL (not my mother who lived 10 min away) nursed me back to health. My own mother ignored my calls and never once asked about me or the baby. I cried several times to my MIL and my DH was so upset, he went over to my mother to tear a strip off of her - but in true N fashion, my mother pretended she was not home.
Even though I knew i was right and my mother was wrong, my sister begged me to "do whatever it takes to make the peace" b/c my grandmother was visiting for only a short time and my mother had cut off my sister too b/c she dared to defend me against my mother's actions. "Grandma is only here for a few more weeks. PLLEEEAAASE, just suck up your pride Jackie and tell mom whatever just so this whole thing blows over".
Mistake #1: I did. I apologized to my mother and took full responsibility for everything just so she would let me see my grandmother. I was seething inside but i loved my grandmother more. This led to a fragile truce which lasted for several months. Looking back I should have nipped this in the bud and told her the behaviour was unacceptable and established boundaries. But no. I let things slide...which reinforced her sick way of thinking and made her even more brazen in the future.
Then, the unthinkable happened. My father (whom she divorced when i was 7 and badmouthed my entire life) decided to give me and my sister our inheritance early, so we could pay off our houses, bills etc while we are still young. My father's father died at only 55 and my dad (now 57) was starting to have health issues and was sure his number was coming up and wanted to do this for us and let us enjoy life with him for the few years he has left. It was also a conscience purge for him b/c he was not there for us growing up and paid only the bare minimum of child support while we were young.
Mistake #2: I thought long and hard about accepting this money but in the end, i'm not going to let my family suffer over some petty grudge. I had made up with my dad at my wedding so i gladly accepted the money....
My mother was furious!
a) b/c i didn't tell her my dad was giving us money - she had to find out from strangers
b) b/c i accepted the money - i have no loyalty to her and was "bribed" with his love
c) b/c it was a lot of money and i did not split it with my 15 yo. brother from her second marriage - i am selfish, greedy, only see "the money"
My mother sat us (me and my sister) down and told us she wished she never bore us b/c we are selfish, greedy, rich b*tches who are flaunting money around and rubbing it in her face. Then she started in on her big "mother of the century speach" how she was always there for us, did everythign for us, etc. etc. This is when I had enough and challenged her on how she abandoned me when i just gave birth and wouldn't care for me when i was sick with a NB. I told her "my MIL was more of a mother to me than my own mother. She was doing YOUR job. Where were you? Sulking. Your pride was more important than taking care of your sick daughter." My mother was furious, tired to slap me across the face, told me to shut the hell up before she makes me shut up. So i said, "no, YOU shut up for a change. I'm speaking now". She ran away and refused to speak to me for 18 months. All of my cards, letters, phone calls etc...all unanswered.
Finally i was PG with my dd and i thought she would come around to the baby shower. Nope. I thought she would call when i told her the baby was born. Nope. Only when i had to go for surgery and it was very serious did she bother to come and make the peace and only after i had cried to her on the phone, weeping that i might not see my baby grow up and to please forgive me mama, did her heart of stone soften and did she come to see me. Not only that, but she told me that
a) I was not going to die
b) I brought it all on myself b/c it was punishment for not respecting her as a mother. God was answering her prayers to show me how much i needed a mother.
And can you believe it? Through it all, I STILL had this stupid fantasy of naming my DD Mary and telling my mother and she would be so honored and pleased and we would all be this big, happy, loving family. But the surgery changed all of that & so i wept to my mom and asked her what i should name her. And she had her human face on that day and told me "Who cares about the name....look at your daughter and name her from your heart. What does she MEAN to you?"
Mistake #3: So i did. Even though my whole life i planned on calling her Mary, we christened her Jackie. TO this day i wonder if i had done it for the right reasons. Being afraid of dying is not a very good reason. And when i saw how disappointed my mother was, I thought i made a horrible mistake. I KNEW Mary would make my mother happy. I KNEW this and I deprived my mother and chose myself instead. I cried, "mom, i'm sorry i did not name her Mary" and she left without a word b/c i humiliated her. So i am kicking myself for not giving my mother this one thing. I berate myself for making her so unhappy. "You haven't changed...she sneered...."you are still the same selfish, self-absorbed b*tch you always were".... maybe i am.
I wouldn't feel so bad if Jackie was a name i had always planned on, but it wasn't. My DD was born on my mother's birthday so according to her its a "sign from God" she should have been Mary.....After i recoverd and found out everything was fine with my health, i had big regrets of not calling her Mary. Now i'm the reason my poor baby isn't going to have a relationship with her grandma. I know my mother doesn't give a damn about her other grandkids, but litte MARY she would care about. Little Mary would be praced around and shown off proudly. Now my mother doesn't even acknowledge that Jackie exisits. I feel sick to my stomach over this. I shouldn't have pushed Jackie in a moment of weakness. I don't know if its worth it to keep Jackie knowing how miserable it is making my mother. A child should be a happy thing and i've turned it into somethign awful.
So that's it. My mother is not speaking to me now Again and its my fault, Again. I don't really miss HER, but i do miss my brother and my extended family, aunts, uncles, grandmother etc. I wish i had named her Mary b/c at least there would have been peace for awhile. At least i could have seen my grandmother before she died. Now i am not welcome b/c she believes my mothers lies.
I don't know what i can and can't live with. I have tired to make peace with my mother since then but there is no moving on her part. There can never be peace she tells me. Not until i "fix it" she says. I am wracking my brain trying to figure something out, but i cna't think of anything.
