My N-mom has disowned me over her granddaughter

[Jackie]

J,

DO YOU REALIZE HOW MUCH YOU HAVE DONE THE RIGHT
THING BY CALLING YOUR DAUGHTER JACKIE ?


And I also believe you have done the right thing by accepting the
early inheritance from your Dad...

Hugs,

B.

If its the right thing, how come it doesn't FEEL like i did the right thing?  I have absolutely no peace over it when i think about my mother i feel terrible that i didnt name her Mary. I feel tremendous guilt, sadness etc.  The only time i feel happy with the name Jackie is when i'm not thinking about my mother at all.  I don't even want to take my daughter to see my mother b/c everytime i try to she scowls at her and won't even hold her or anything.  A knife in the heart is what my mother calls her. Sick.

And the money?  Its made our lives easier....and harder....the DRAMA i've had to endure from my mother since she found out is unbearable.  My entire life she told me how useless my father is - will never do anything for me etc....now here he goes and shows up my mother and she's LIVID...absolutely livid.  She cannot live it down. She calls me a greedy, blind, selfish idiot...she hopes the money is "worth it b/c you've lost your mother" garbage.

A NORMAL mother would be happy and pleased her daughter is financially secure....not her. Its a big competition. She refuses to show up anywhere my father is b/c he has more money than her. By accepting my fathers generosity, i've proven to her that i have no loyalty and love him more than her...petty bullshit...  her dream would have been for me to tell my father to f-off and rip the cheque in his face.  I refused to do it.  He wanted to help us and we're grateful.  My mother just can't live it down and cuts us to shreds every chance she gets.

My daughter was the final straw. If i had named her Mary she could have "saved face" in front of my dad....but i just didn't get it.  I chose myself over her.  The guilt i feel is unbearable sometimes.

[Certain Hope]

Dear Jackie,

Feelings lie.
Once the thoughts are straight, the feelings will follow.

Love,
Hope

[Ami]

Dear Jac,
  You have layers of pain and distortions that you need to let go of.. It will take time. Right now, you are opening up about your life. Maybe, you never have before. If you have, I bet that people did not understand. So, It is probably new for you to have people who "get "it. Just keep sharing and people will help you to heal step by step.
  I read some books on NPD that helped me.This helped me to get out of denial-. You are describing the N mother--perfectly. It will probably help to know that she fits a category(IMO) rather than not knowing what is happening. It helped me
  What you are going through is a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances( an N mother)
                               Keep Sharing.                                             Love  Ami.

[Hopalong]

Hi Jacqueline,

I'm worried that your precious baby will be cheated of your full, loving, joyous attention...and that you'll never be able to feel clean joy when you think her name.

You can re-christen a child.

Would you consider it? I think this name thing could hurt her and interfere with your and your daughter's relationship.

Harmony.

love
Hops

[Jackie]

Hi Jacqueline,

I'm worried that your precious baby will be cheated of your full, loving, joyous attention...and that you'll never be able to feel clean joy when you think her name.

You can re-christen a child.

Would you consider it? I think this name thing could hurt her and interfere with your and your daughter's relationship.

Harmony.

love
Hops

I worry about this too....all of the time...i worry that I will regret for the rest of my life that I did not name her Mary....of course if something were to happen to me tomorrow, i would be upset that I didn't keep Jackie.  Even after everythign my mother has done to me, i was going to the hospital to birth her with full intent on calling her Mary....my brush with death changed all of that...

I feel i'm suffering from post traumatic stress b/c i am constantly worried about death now and if i will live to see my daughter grow up.  My mother does not understand this paralyzing fear i've been living with since i left the hospital.  I know that tomorrow is not guaranteed for anyone, but I never THOUGHT of it constantly before...its like my innocence is lost....same thing like when you are PG (you KNOW there is a 15% chance of miscarriage with every PG - but you never think it will happen to you)....after you have a m/c you worry about each and every PG.

My husband is on board with changing the name but he wants it done for the right reasons (b/c i truly feel in my heart it is the RIGHT thing to do and not b/c i just want to please my mother)...Not that we could please her anyways...I just don't know how i feel right now...which is why we are not going to order the birth certificate until we are both sure of what we want to do.

[Ami]

Dear CB,
  Did you have an actual NDE? If so, would you talk about it-- in another thread or here.?   Thanks     Ami

[Buggy]

Hi Jackie,

I think: you are a good person.  You are a person with sense.  You are
a person with reason. 

I think you are a good mother.  I think you have a great husband. 
I am sure your daughter is wonderful as well as your sons.

I think that the more you allow your daughter to be her own person,
the better it is.  I think that this is opposite to what your mother
would like.  I think that she would rather have Jackie be a little herself
so she could either inflate any positive thing that she (Jackie) does
like if she had done it or inflate any negative thing that J does to
complain how bad J is so she (your mother) is not bad.

I am really sorry that your mother treats you like she does.  I think
that she feels that you are escaping (probably have escaped) her and she
feels she is not going to be able to control your beautiful daughter.

By giving your daughter her own name (Jackie, is HER name.),
I think you protected her from the fantasies your mother might have
projected on her.  That's why I think you have done the right thing.
I am tempted to see your experience at the hospital as luck that protected
your daughter...

In my opinion, there is no emergency of any kind (except maybe
taking care of yourself and relaxing).  Stay in your bubble
of love with your husband, and children.  Speak with your doctors.  Ask
your husband to order some delivery food and some cleaning service for
your home.  And some flowers for you...

Much love,
I forgot earlier: Congratulations !!! 

Buggy.