Hi, Jacqueline,
My opinion is that it takes a combination of 1, 2, and 3, with some aspects of each being continuous and others blending and changing as you grow and learn. And that's the key... you're the only one over whose growth and learning you have control, so you will be the one to set the pace.
No contact is the best place to begin, I believe, because that allows you the opportunity to learn how to live your life without having her physical influence constantly affecting your feelings. Of course, her voice is still there, in your mind, but that's where the practice comes in.. as you learn to take control over your own thoughts and make more room for them to grow, replacing her old "tapes" in your head.
The main thing that I needed to learn was that nobody has power over me unless I give that power to them. But I couldn't even imagine that possibility until there was no contact.
About that Christian counselor's advice... it has some good points, I think.
Yes to loving and praying for our "enemies", as in blessing those who persecute us (not wishing them harm), BUT - there is no guarantee that God will restore relationships if we will just give, love, and swallow enough NoNseNse. As I understand the way it all works, God does not force people to do anything... and the only way anybody makes a genuine heart change, imo, is if that person willingly submits to God and allows Jesus to be Lord of his/her life. There's alot of wisdom in the Proverbs about how to deal with angry people and liars, so as far as I'm concerned, all of those apply to N.
What I've found is the major stumbling block to moving beyond all this N-stuff is a false belief that there is anything we can do, or stop doing, to change the other. When it stops being about having some affect on N and starts being about growing up ourselves, then there is progress.
Love,
Hope