My mother is a N - so now what?

[Jacqueline]

I've been seeing 3 different therapists over the last 2 years about my N mother.

Therapist #1: Christian counsellor told me this was just normal mother/daughter angst.  My mom is just a wounded animal striking back at me b/c she is hurt. All i need to do is have more love, compassion, see things from her side etc. Keep reaching out to her.  Forgive her. Love her. Pray for her. Leave it to God and He will heal this relationship.  NC not recommended.

Therapist #2:  Mother is a N. Avoid at all costs. 100% NC. whenever i think of my mother i should imagine myself inside of a big pink bubble and say "bless you be on your way and learn".  I tried this for several months and IT DOESN"T WORK. I STILL FEEL LIKE CRAP! Especialy around holidays, birthdays...basically 10/12 months of the year.

Therapist #3: Mother is a N. But that is just a label. Think of her as mentally ill (like bipolar, Alzheimers etc).  NC not recommended, but distanced boundaries yes. Limited contact yes. Do only what i can live with (no grovelling but send a card at christmas with brief note etc).   I AM TRYING BUT IT IS SO HARD TO REACH OUT TO SOMEONE WHO KEEPS PUSHING ME AWAY...

Out of all 3 I think #3 makes the most sense, but she has had very limited experience with N's and doesnt' know exactly how to speak with them, communicate with them, etc. So i keep waffling between 1 &2 a lot of the time.  If you don't want NC completely with a N, then what the hell do you do without being a doormat?

[Certain Hope]

Hi, Jacqueline,

My opinion is that it takes a combination of 1, 2, and 3, with some aspects of each being continuous and others blending and changing as you grow and learn. And that's the key... you're the only one over whose growth and learning you have control, so you will be the one to set the pace.

No contact is the best place to begin, I believe, because that allows you the opportunity to learn how to live your life without having her physical influence constantly affecting your feelings. Of course, her voice is still there, in your mind, but that's where the practice comes in..  as you learn to take control over your own thoughts and make more room for them to grow, replacing her old "tapes" in your head.

The main thing that I needed to learn was that nobody has power over me unless I give that power to them. But I couldn't even imagine that possibility until there was no contact.

About that Christian counselor's advice... it has some good points, I think.
Yes to loving and praying for our "enemies",  as in blessing those who persecute us (not wishing them harm), BUT -  there is no guarantee that God will restore relationships if we will just give, love, and swallow enough NoNseNse. As I understand the way it all works,  God does not force people to do anything... and the only way anybody makes a genuine heart change, imo, is if that person willingly submits to God and allows Jesus to be Lord of his/her life. There's alot of wisdom in the Proverbs about how to deal with angry people and liars, so as far as I'm concerned, all of those apply to N.

What I've found is the major stumbling block to moving beyond all this N-stuff is a false belief that there is anything we can do, or stop doing, to change the other. When it stops being about having some affect on N and starts being about growing up ourselves, then there is progress.

Love,
Hope

[motheroffour]

J,

Hello. Just wanted to say that I have been wrestling with similar solutions.  Kinda feel like I have found myself in a similar place.  I know my family is full of N's.  I know that they sink my ship!  I know I can't allow that anymore.  So, did I NC or LC?  And if I LC, how do I make sure I am safe and remain whole?  

For me and my situation, the answers to the particulars are coming as I sit and listen to myself and my needs and then trust them and validate them.  Then I move towards deciding what my behaviors will look like (IE: will I go to parties, give gifts, allow access to the kids, etc.)  I don't know all the answers yet.  I decided that I couldn't go NC.  It didn't feel right to me.  So I have to figure out the LC dynamics that will work for me.  I did decide though, that I would act in ways of integrity for myself.  I will give the gift or love in my way because that is who I am.  I am a loving and emotionally honest person.  I am not going to act in dishonest and untrue ways for myself.  But I will no longer expect anything from the N's.  I will not need them for anything.  Not validation or trust or taking care of my feelings or nurturing or love. I will not give them personal information or give them power to help me make any decisions.  I will not ask advice or help with anything.  I will get my needs for those things from God and from other people that He will bring into my life.  They, the N's, are part of my world and part of my family.  I am in the process of accepting that.  But I won't put myself in a place where I will act in ways that are against my morality (retaliation, playing the game, gossip,etc) cause that hurts me and makes me more unhealthy and unhappy.  And I won't act in ways that put me at their mercy either and telling myself the lie that I need to be more self-sacrificing and loving and patient and whatever else to make them happy.

This is a hard one, eh?  You are SO not alone!!  

--mof4

[lighter]

::raising hand::

I vote for #2.... but with you getting yourself happy.


::whispering:: 

Happy is a process, not an on off switch. 

There aren't any magic bullets. 

It takes time and going through the pain is the only way out of it. 

Sorry. 

[Ami]

Dear Jac,
   It IS really confusing. I trusted Janet about No contact b/c she had much more experience dealing with the N mother than I did. I have been NC for 6 months. It has helped me tremendously to "loose" myself from her voice.
  I am sad and lonely for a mother at times. However, I try to remember our last interaction and that helps me to remain. NC.
    I don't really want HER. I want a loving mother.The real pain is that she will probably never be loving. That is the dilemma. Keep sharing and writing                              Love  Ami

[Overcomer]

I do #3 but then you have to forever deal with her stuff.  But it makes no sense for me to break up the whole family because I cannot stand my mom.  I act nice and try to set good boundaries and laugh at her when she acts all superior-which is always!