Battling the Critic

[steve]

There he stood, much larger than me, and certainly more powerful. For his very size and his knowledge alone far out surpassed mine. How could I not bow down and serve with reverence and respect. I have become enslaved. He is my master.

How shall I proceed I wonder? The master does not give very much direction (most likely because he does not really know himself) but he offers a few clues of advice mostly through emotional manipulation. Being the faithful servant that I am, I try to go one direction, but then I get pulled another direction by my desires. Back and forth I go, not knowing where I will end up. It is so confusing.

But slowly, I start to realize the little games, and the little tricks. I see them as a weapon I could use against him. And off to battle I go, using my weapons of emotional manipulation against him, fighting with his weapons, for that was all i knew I could use. No one showed me another way.

So the conflict continued, darkness fell on the land, evil was everywhere, and the world was sad.

Now what is there to do, I ask in desperation (or more precisely, depression). What is the solution?

Do I increase my emotional forces and go back in to combat. Do I recruit my family members to battle him in the so-called family court. This rather seems counterproductive and more than that a complete waste of time, and ultimately my life.

No, instead, I grab back my life. I remove him from his perch, and proclaim that I exist. Once this is done, I do not seek his acceptance. No, from this point on, I own myself.

But the battle will surely come, and what will I do then? Nothing really, just keep myself in my sights and place his views and opinions where they belong, below me. Any opinions about myself come from myself only when I take full possession.

I do not seek opinions from others as to how to value myself. If those opinion should be forthcoming, then let them bleat, I have already made up my mind. I am who I am, and when I want to create something different in myself, only I can decide what that will be. If others have suggestions, then I can file them right along with any other information that I have. But they remain such, information only, just another one of my possessions.

My opinion of myself only comes from myself. And because I can not be anything more than what i am at this moment, then I certainly am exactly what I should be. And I can accept that very easily.

So the master is crushed, right along with all the other critics. They no longer have power over me as long as I know that I alone own that power to decide who I am and what I am worth.

The battle continues, to be sure, but what a different battle it now is. Their weapons no longer penetrate my armour, and if they looked carefully enough they would see that I have no armour at all. I need not protect this very thing because it is entirely my own. They have no power to penetrate it unless I allow them that power, which I will not.

Steve

[Hopalong]

Mighty, Steve. Bravo.

One question re:

If those opinion should be forthcoming, then let them bleat

Can you let positive opinions in? Appreciation? Affection? Support?

Can you ever allow yourself to be vulnerable again?

(Not toward your father. Just thinking, life is long and it's good to have company.)

Hops

[steve]

Hops:

If you allow others to make you out to be right, then do you also not allow them to make you out to be wrong?

I am not talking about shutting doors, for we are all social creatures. A life lived alone is certainly less fulfilling, at least for me. But, pure validation can only come from within. That seems to be working for me.

Steve

[Hopalong]

Hi Steve,
I didn't say "right", Steve...just valued, appreciated, supported, loved.
I want those things from other human beings because I am a social creature.

I don't try to get it all from one romantic source any more, and I especially don't try to get it from a source that devalues me as your Dad did you.

I just hear you sounding an awful lot like an isolated castle with a steel moat, no drawbridge, plus gators...and would be sorry if you never came out.

I think when we first decide to defend our psyches we can overdo it. But that's also maybe a necessary position in the first claim on our own right to be well.

I support your roar of I AM. It's been wonderful to hear.

Hops

[steve]

Hops:

Yes, I have been somewhat isolated as of late. But it was a difficult time trying to shake of the deamons.

Now as I feel stronger, my social interactions are much stronger and more real.

How could I present myself before if i didnt know who I was. Now I do, and I like what I see, and I look forward to sharing the real me with everyone even more than before. So as I grow stronger, so will my social.

Steve

[Ami]

Dear Steve,
   Your voice is very uplifting to me. I think that  what you are saying is "common sense" ,but most of us have lost it. I think about your posts quite a bit.I know that they hold basic truths that I am trying to uncover.
   I see healing as a "getting back" to what we are and facing it and facing life without blinders. When that happens, we will be "whole"., I think.
  I see you saying things which should be common sense ,but are not b/c people are lying to themselves about themselves and life.
   Do you understand what I am saying?
   I think that it is "common sense" that all we  can own is us. However how many people accept this?
  It is common sense that we must be the ones to validate ourselves or our lives will  not work. This should be common sense to ,but it is not.
  I think that i cannot receive all of what you are saying b/c I am blocked by old ideas. Please keep speaking. Your voice is very important to me                         Love  Ami
 
P.S. Hops--- thank you for that support. I feel like I will heal when I get through this process of facing the truths. It is simply not that fast.

[motheroffour]

Hey Steve!  Sounds like you are doing great battling your critics!   After your done, could I talk you into battling mine?  j/k!
Some days I wish I could hire an emotional body guard.  Someone to keep my MIL in line when she is around me!!!

[steve]

Just to reinforce what I have been saying I thought I would add some more.

We did not get in to this "jam" because we are defective. No, we learned from society and took from it what we thought was useful. But inthe process we set up the critic. Society taught us what was good and what was evil. Our parents guided us to keep us from getting hurt so we believed that was their intention all along. We saw that playing on the street was dangerous and soon deduced that we should not do that. We saw that people existed who sought to do us harm, so we learned to protect ourselves. We saw that certain behaviors were immoral so we refrained. We learned a great deal in our youth that has served us well in our adulthood.

But at the same time, we have also institutionalized the process. We have made the process greater than ourselves. We came to believe that there were certain truths in this world and if we did not follow those truths we were "bad". The critic has always existed in our head and no where else. We put it there because it was a simple model for survival that served us in our youth when we did not have enough information to protect ourselves. We were weak and needed the critic as a guide. But as adults we are more than the critic. We do not need absolutes to guide our behavior. We know what we want if only we could appeal to ourselves. The model of using the critic no longerserves us and it should be thrown in the trash, just like a used diaper. It is useless at this point.

If however, you choose to live by your critic, then what have you become. You have become the servant of others. They direct your actions and your thoughts. You live within their paticular view of the world. Not only do you find multiple views and thus become confused, but you are also now living your life for others.

So take the courage to say, "for me, I know best" and I will decide what is right and wrong. And even further, what i decide is right can be decided as wrong when that no longer serves me. If you allow the critic to put up constraints, you will lead a life of misery for many reasons, the two most important of which are the following:

[steve]

You live your life for others.
You degrade yourself because all the critic can do is show you where you are wrong.

Steve

Sorry I posted before I finished. Does that make me "bad". Haha, I think not.

[Ami]

Dear Steve,
  I find your  voice to be "real". I am trying to get 'real". When I was younger I was "real". I think it was b/c I could look at reality and not have to "warp" it. I could face painful things, like people were selfish and self centered and I was too. I could face that people were superficial( valued beauty, material things) and I did too
   People engaged in power plays and I did too. Friendships could never be totally trusted. You always had to have your own back.This was a big truth for me to face. I had friends and boyfriends,but they never had me. Me was reserved for me. So, I could interact with ease. I think that this is what you are talking about and people misunderstood.(on another thread)
  I think that my being able to see reality broke down when I could not trust my father. I thought that you could trust your family. When I was betrayed by them . I went in to a shell and could no longer "see" the truths of life or myself. My F told me that my M was fine. She was a real NPD. If I believed my F, then I could not trust my own eyes and ears. This is exactly what happened--- until now.
  Steve, Today I am feeling more real. I am  allowing myself to just "be" without censoring myself. It feels a little more comfortable in my own skin. Thanks for your simple,but profound voice                                  Love  Ami
P.S.
I think that my goal is to not be in an internal war with the real me and the '" false voices( N mother , society etc). I think that I will be whole when I can face the truth about myself and about the outside world( people and situations)

[Hopalong]

I like what I see, and I look forward to sharing the real me with everyone even more than before

That's great, Steve. Sounds like you'll be in the world, well-guarded but not lonely. 

I loved this, thank you for putting it so well:

We have made the process greater than ourselves.

You're right. If someone's a model citizen, dotting all i's and crossing all t's reflexively according to a social code, then that person may or may not be happy. Some thrive on conforming, make an art of it. Others (me too) need to differentiate themselves more sharply.

As I get older I find value in community and am less threatened by some conventions that I used to allow to stifle me.

It is miraculous to me how your voice has come roaring clear. I remember your first posts, and the change is monumental. You have released so much anguish and have moved so far.

Hops

[teartracks]

Hi besee,

I'm curious what your inner truth is. 

Not trying to answer for steve, but what a good question!  I'm just realizing that my inner truth was firmly planted in what I'd been taught was truth in my FOO.  I think my FOO was by most standards honest people when it came to money.   But omitting little parts of the truth about pretty much everything was acceptable.  Lately, I've chosen a few of those assumed truths and tweaked them for authenticity.  An interesting exercise to say the least.  I'm going to continue the tweak! 

tt