I think that I found the core of my craziness

[Ami]

Today, I had a thought. That thought gave me the worse dizziness and feeling like I would pass out that I have  ever. had. I thought that I really was worth taking back my own power. I really was worth something.This  really frightened me.
   I think that I have been sick physically b/c it made me powerless.  If I was sick, then I could not be a threat to anyone. .I have had stomach problems for a long time. It is hard to eat  much of anything
   I am preoccupied with being and feeling sick. This occupies me so I don't have to examine my life ,objectively.
  I am almost "real'.,now. It is an amazing feeling --- not feeling  numb.However, I am seeing the truth in life and in myself.The big thing that I saw today was that I gave away my essential"power". Caroline Myss talks about this. She says that you need your own power to be well--- in body and mind.. It is that simple. I gave my power to old N ideas and to other people. She talks about giving up your own power to what society values such as  beauty and  material possessions.also.You are letting society make your values for you-- instead of you doing it..
   I saw today that I had to take my power back.. .
   I don't know why it feels  so scary..It must be that my mother would not allow me to be "powerful". She did not want me to be strong  and confident. She wanted to grind down my voice. I don't have a recollection of this, but it must be b/c I am so afraid of being strong. I am afraid that someone will be really angry at me for it. "Who do you think you are?"was my mother's favorite phrase.
    I  also, realized that I am the toxic emotion absorber for my family. I decided today that I would do an experiment. I would not absorb toxic emotions . I will play a little game in my head-- How many times can I not "pickup" people's toxic emotions?This really scares me ,too b/c I am afraid of anger. That is at the root of my fears of taking back my own power. People are going to be angry at me . I have let them abuse me and take out their bad feelings on me. Now, they are going to be angry . I am afraid of anger.I can see how even my older son is waiting to get anger out on me.
   I think that this is why I am dizzy. I am afraid of anger                                 Love  Ami

[Hopalong]

Ami...wow, this is grueling, what you're going through.

I wanted to tell you that when my panic disorder/anxiety/depression were at their worst, all colliding in my 20s especially, I was obsessed with being sick. I often did have very frightening symptoms: dizziness and in my case, chest pain. Truly disabling. I had trouble driving, was mildly agorophobic for a while. It just stank and went on for a long time.

Therapy and Rx helped me through. I haven't had this kind of panic in a long time, though when stress is enormous it can pop up again.

I just want to let you know how normal it is for a person with anxiety-tendencies and Nmother damage to become this way, and to feel physically sick when the emotional pain just doesn't have enough outlets. I understand.

And also to tell you...you won't be stuck there. You are moving through. Each day you have a new realization like this, you're a step forward.

Hops

[steve]

Ami:

Here is something to ponder. You are 80 years old and you look back. You realized you lived your life for somebody else. Now what? Too late! So, why not start as soon as possible. It sounds like you are on your way to showing the world Ami, and all that is inside her. Good luck, I suspect there is plenty in there to show. Just take the courage, then it will become second nature.

Steve

[JanetLG]

Come on, Ami, Steve's right - we've got the second half of our lives to live BETTER than the first half! Of course this bit is the worst, but we're going to get past this, aren't we?

I get dizzy when stress gets to me - reflexology helps with that, if you're into that kind of alternative medicine.

Negative emotions are really hard to hand back - it takes loads of practice, but you're right, you don't have to be the receiver for everyone else.

Janet

[motheroffour]

Ami,

Hello friend.  I seems you are really finding good stuff this week.  Thanks for sharing it.  Feels so good to hear you.  It is kinda scary to realize that you are worth so very much.  But it feels really good, yes?  Learning a little of that this week too.  Really, really happy for you.

My H is afraid of anger.  His whole N family is afraid of anger.  Thinks it is of the devil.  They banish it and if anyone raises their voice in the slightest, they are shamed.  It is really hard for him but he is working so hard and it is paying off.  I actually like anger a little bit.  It has actually saved me from completely losing myself and helped give me the strength to fight to find truth.

My codep book I read everyday, talks about the flack we get from others when we set boundaries. She talks about expecting it but gently handing it back to those people.  Sounds like you are saying a similar thing.  I wonder if that is what Steve is learning or maybe I am inspired by him to think this way.  But I am trying not to be shaken by the flack,  even if some of it comes in the form of anger.

Thanks Steve.  Thanks Ami. Good, good lessons here.

[(un)seen]

Ami

I must say I find you so real. I see you are struggling and I find that you have gotten quite a bit on your journey towards respecting and loving yourself.

Your mother IS to blame! How could she say such harming sentences. Every child internalize what the parents say or do, and then find it hard to love themselves.

I have not gotten that far on my journey yet. To love and respect myself.

Of course there is a reason for everything, why every parent is treating their child the way they do.

if you receive only respect and love, that is all that is possible to give and to enjoy.

It is so relieving to read your posts. Thank you.


the once
(un)seen

[Overcomer]

Am:  You are breaking through!  When you start to realize that wor are not the one with the problem it is so enlightening.  It feels good  to know and understand that you have been abused and have played a role.  You have the power to say no and the worst thing is the others feel uncomfortable with it.  Oh you will be labeled difficult but you must prevail!