How much distance do you have with your N mother?

[Bella_French]

I've noticed that a lot of us have N mothers (hugs to all of you!)

I know this sounds so bad, but lately I am feeling more and more that I don't want to communicate with my mother on a regular basis. I could handle a chat on the phone maybe once every three to six months, to share news and a superficial chit-chat. But any more than that  I can't handle, for a lot of reasons I'm sure those of you with N mothers understand too well. I just don't want the role she keeps forcing apon me as her daughter, and i don't want to deal with a major confrontation about it either. The only possible result of a confrontation with her would be estrangment (which i don't want), and yet if I don't do that, she will just keep putting me in a role I don't want.

My mother kind of senses these things, and she called last week to tell me (threaten me?) that she will move to my town to live. I just raved on about the high price of real estate, and the benefits of living in the town where my brothers live. But I'm a little worried. If she really does move here, I will feel the same way. I don't want much to do with her, and so I'm not going to have much to do with her.

I guess my question is: Do you think it is reasonable to have contact with your mother once every 3- 6 months? She has 6 children and a partner, so I don't really feel that I am the only one she needs to depend on. How much contact do you have with your mother?

 

[Ami]

Dear Bella,
   Your question reminds me of an incident with a friend . Her mother moved across the street . I had not seen her for 2 months. I went to visit. I saw an old lady sitting on the porch. I wondered who it was.She was a beautiful, young ( forties) blonde. It was HER.. She had turned grey and  wrinkled almost overnight. I said to my father,"After that, I will never let my mother move down ."
  Bella, maybe this is a trite story ,but your question reminded me of it                 Love  Ami
   

[Bella_French]

Oh Ami, I believe that! I feel so sorry for your friend.

With six siblings, I sometimes feel that my mother takes turns `grooming' us for the possibility of caring for her during her old age. I'm already rehearsing `no' speeches. I say my brothers can have her.









 

[Bella_French]

I believe it Bean; I think I have harder times-and harder decisons- ahead of me too. I can totally respect your decision to have no contact; I am just so sorry it came to that for you Bean. That must have been heart-breaking.

I think its so hard to relate to an N parent, once you totally see through their ruse. They can't behave reasonably, and my mother lies, lies and lies. She has totally reinvented her past (which includes my past). As she would have it, she was a perfect parent, lol. Each time we speak, I feel like she's trying to recruit me to her skewed perception of reality. It makes me feel crazy, having to put aside what is true and real just to have a non-confrontational conversation with her.

 I think I forgive my mother for my childhood, but she has changed so little. With everything I know, I have no desire to let her into my life.

I keep saying to my partner, we're moving to Spain if my mother moves to my town. I wish we could afford it, lol.

[teartracks]

Bella,

I can't offer you much on this, except to suggest that good preemptive planning between you and your sibs might have merit down the road.  What I'm thinking is that since there are six of you, why not divvy up the year, two months each where the one who is on 'duty' would give your mother the kinds of attention that appeals to her.  Cards, flowers, calls, visits, and so on.  That way one of you will not feel required to give all the attention all the time.

Of course, when her health status chances, you'd need a plan to accommodate that too.

I think you have every right to galvanize yourself from being sucked into what feels like a looming black hole. 

tt

[teartracks]

Ooops Bella,

I didn't read that part where you told your brothers they could have her.   

tt

[Bella_French]

Tear tracks that is an exceptionally nice idea, and it would probably work fine if my siblings were not so caught up in being part of my mother's games, and if my mother's  needs were as simple as gifts and attention.

I probably didn't explain it very well; overall I would say that what my mother requires is for her children to perform certain  `roles' that she assigned to us individually, which fullfill her emotional needs as a narcissist. If we deviate from those roles, we are punished. My feelings are that the roles she picked out for us come from a place of mental sickness, and that those of my siblings who satisfy my mother the most, are the ones who have paid for it dearly, at the cost of their  mental health. 

For example, my mother's `favourites' are my two brothers, who are both sociopaths (one criminally so), and my youngest sister, who satisfies my mother through her severe obesity and marrying a succession of sex-addicted men who either have affairs with my mother or flirt with her so much that they may as well have been.

My parents are exceptionally wealthy, so my mother's `weapon of choice' is withholding financial favours from those of us who not `behaving', whilst lavishing the ` well behaved' siblings with over the top sums of money (in the order of tens of thousands of dollars) and gifts such as homes, cars, and general hand-outs. She also uses emotional blackmail, but she has found that money is a lot more effective.

I'm one of the ones who never sees a cent of my parents money. Its because I don't perform the role my mother picked out for me, and its her way of expressing her anger.

The way I stop that from hurtng me is to keep my distance from her and to focus on my own life. I don't want anyting to do with her mental sickness, or being emotionally pushed and pulled based on her skewed expectations adn strange needs.. I'm too sensitive to be punished in sucha  way, and it took so long to get over my enormous sense of worthlessness because of her mothering. I guess that althoug i have found some strength, and alittle happiness in life, I am protective of it and do not want to regress.

[JanetLG]

Bella,

I'm so sorry your mother is so awful and manipulative.

You are doing well to keep her at the distance that you do.

I remember my NMum saying to me 'I had you so that you would stay with me forever', and it made the hair stand up on the back of my neck.

They PLAN these things.

Get away from her, even if that means NC. Even if she moved next door to you, you don't have to have anything to do with her, and if your other siblings take her blood money, then when she's old THEY can care for her. You've already had far too much taken from you.

Sorry, I just feel so angry about this! It's not fair on you!!

Janet

[JanetLG]

Oh, a 'PS' - I didn't actually answer your question! I've had NC for 13 years, with both my NMum and NSister. I live 300 miles from both of them. They live 2 minutes' drive from each other.

Janet

[finding peace]

Hi Bella,

Not enough!

I went NC almost a year ago after many, many attempts to reach her.  She lives about 10-15 minutes away, and periodically tries to contact me.  I try to avoid reading or opening anything that she sends - but sometimes they slip through.  Ironically, every single time - it is a demand or some sort of guilt trip - all she ends up doing is reinforcing the NC decision. 

If your M is ok with contact every 3 to 6 monhts, then I say great - I think I could have handled that, but my mother would never have allowed it.  She made many unreasonable demands on my time.

Peace

[Certain Hope]

Bella,

For the past 6 1/2 years, there's been a 1,000 mile distance between us.

She writes a note each week to enclose with the letter my Dad writes and mails to us. Paper-clipped to her note is $1.00 each for my 2 children still living at home. She began this tradition when we moved away and has continued it steadfastly ever since. When we lived just a few miles from her, she rarely saw her grandchildren. Too much interference with her ways, her routine, her... whatever.

We were just there for a visit a month ago and barely saw her. She showed no interest in her grandchildren, didn't speak to them about much of anything, and made sure she was in bed by 7:30 pm, per her schedule. She gets up in the middle of the night to begin her kitchen routine, doing critical tasks like bagging up 6 bowls of cereal for my dad, lest he get into the cupboard himself and make a mess? I dunno.
I was able to do a couple of minor repairs while there... on her washer and on a cabinet which wouldn't close. The "at your service" me tried to come out strongly, but I appreciated having a couple of tasks to relieve the stress. I got the same reaction as always... more sullen agitation/anger? from her that I was able to see and fix this stuff than appreciation. It is so odd.
Her letters since we've arrived home go on and on about how she misses us.
ohhkayyy....   

We have spoken on the phone maybe 10 times in the past 6 1/2 years. She will not call - I think because she knows there's a good possibility she'll get voice mail. We are not phone people. I used to place calls... and then she'd put me on hold, long distance, while she finished up another critical kitchen task. The last time she tried to do that, I said - that's alright, I have to go anyway - and hung up.
I think I've called her once since... this past winter, when an ice storm brought a tree through our roof. She always writes that they watch the weather down where we live, so it occurred to me after the power had been out for several days to call and let her know that we were alright. It seemed like the honorable thing to do...    I barely completed my little story of our adventure when she launched into this big spiel about my (very Nish) brother and his awful struggles to get his car back to the US from Europe (hissing... "he has a Jag-oo-wahr, you know")   Yeah, uh huh, okay mother, well anyway, just wanted you to know we are alright.

She wants to hear about the honors my children receive and horror stories about trees through roofs are okay, too, but not nearly so exciting as jag-oo-wahrs     Whatever... it's all a collection of tidbits for the next time somebody at church asks how we're doing.
I have no interest in handing her grist for that mill or going through the motions just so she can feel like she's done her part and I've done mine. Ugh.. I have work to do on this. I can still feel the resentment.  Thanks for the opportunity to blather, Bella.

Love,
Hope

[Ami]

Dear Bella,
   I want to put a big red flag out. She WANTS to make you mentally ill. The ONLY way that you can interact with her on a consistent basis IS to become mentally ill. She is after your mind. Your mind is precious. Your mental health is precious. You will lose your life if you lose your mental health. .You can easily get a physical disease from losing your mental health.
   You know that my M is a therapist. She will use ANY tool in her tool box to make me lose any semblance of good sense that I have . She wants me to be pliable so that I can espouse her distorted reality.
   I DID this from 14 on. I almost died from taking in her poisoned  reality.
   It is pitiful that we have mother's like this. It is horrible. It is not fair. I want a loving, sweet mother. I have a monster in a psychological thriller. She has sucked out my brain and my guts. She has her foot on me-- scared to death that I will get strong. She will do whatever it takes to destroy me. Her twisted reality is at stake. My destruction is NOTHING  compared to her holding on to her twisted reality. I am a blip on the radar screen.
  I agree with Janet. NC is the way to heal. If not, they keep you off center b/c they are masters at getting you to question yourself. We are insecure anyway b/c of having them as mothers. They use any good qualities on our part to destroy us with.
   This is my experience, Bella. You have been so kind to me. I want only the best for you   
                                                                                    Love  Ami

[teartracks]

Hi Bella,

I like CB's idea.  You said you don't want to completely break ties, so why not just try what CB says and see when it all feels right.  I understand the lonliness of wanting a real mother but chances for that with the scenario you describe seem pretty dismal.   So sorry...

tt

[Ami]

Dear Shunned,
   You are my soul sister. One of the worst things in life is to know that I am living from the message that my N mother gave me. It is an awful abyss.
   Also, it is so awful that even when we have NC, they are still in our head.How are you doing on the smoking? Maybe, the smoking could be part of the nurturing issue that we ,who have N mothers ,struggle with . It feels wrong to nurture yourself. It seems right to hurt yourself(smoke).Just a thought.It may not apply at all.            Love  Ami

[Bella_French]

Dear all,
I almost feel like crying, hearing about other N mothers and what led you to having no contact with them. Each one of your posts deserves a long reply; for now i just wanted to let you know that I read them all and I am so grateful that you wrote. I feel a sense of validation after reading your suggestions. Thankyou:)