My mother's sleep

[Hopalong]

Mom's been home from the rehab place a week and a half. She developed some gastritis and the doctor said she should be on a liquid diet until at least Friday. All she wants to do is sleep. Her PT says to keep her getting up every few hours, but she practically begs to go back to bed. She understands she's weakening.

I feel like leaving her alone, letting her sleep all she wants and then just re-evaluating whenever she wakes. She is so peaceful and calm. If we force her up, she is unhappy, pale, agitated.

At 96, I think...if she can sleep peacefully and painlessly here, that's better than forcing her through exercise she doesn't want to do, and making her sit in front of meals she can't eat. Or rousing her to the nausea she's had for days.

Thoughts would be most welcome. It's hard to completely trust my judgment because I have wished for some time now that this hard duty would be over. So I need to be sure I'm not letting her "sleep away" for my own convenience.

It's beginning to sink in.
Hops

[WRITE]

Hi Hops

and here's a hug (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Yes, many people sleep a lot in their last years and months.

Don't feel one bit bad that you have wished for your duty to end at times- all caregivers do- and you have been a beautifully loving caring daughter.

Let her sleep whenever she can, it's natures remedy.

And it will give you stamina to rest too.

I light candles and play soft music for people who are stuck in bed or can't talk much, I figure the sounds they can hear should be soothing and loving, the place should be comforting.

Once I sat and sang to a dying lady her favourite songs whilst her daughter took a couple of hours break, her breathing slowed right down and it was so peaceful for me as well as her.

This is a time for being in the moment Hops, let her be and enjoy the time you spend with her. And no self-doubt or recriminations- you've been the best through all this.

Love
Write

[Hopalong]

Bless you, Write.

Bless you.

Hops

[finding peace]

Hops,

I am so sorry.

I read the words of a very wise woman not too long ago, and found a lot of comfort and peace in them, here is what she said:

Sometimes those who hang onto life...it's us, not them.

To such a degree as we can respect another's agency at the end of life, that's a good thing.

There is a time to rage against the dying light; but, Dylan Thomas only wrote of half of the whole, there is also a time to go gentle into that good night.  Let her rest quietly and dream.  I absolutely believe that you are doing the right thing.

Peace

[lighter]

(((Hops)))

I like the idea of peace and calm for your mother.

Resting without suffering.

Light the candles and enjoy soft calming music with her.  

You're a good daughter, Hops.

[isittoolate]

I agree with everyone, as well.

I think when our time comes we ought to have around us those things we hold most dear.

Is there a physical thing for her--just as a child would like his teddy bear?-- maybe a music box? a book? to hang onto?

Is there special music that will be peaceful for her?

Does she love to hear the sound of your voice?

96 is living a long time and she is due a great send off and no discomfort before that. (speaking for myself there!)
=====================================================================
Javkie Gleason went at 71 , drinnking , smoking overweight: living the way he wanted! I belive he was happy.

[spyralle]

Hi Hops  (((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))))),

Hops.  Without a doubt you are right...  At that age and if she is peaceful, then what would moving her do..  Doctors and nurses are full of practical ideas but I firmly believe that it is what you feel SHE wants that is most important.  It's actually a lovely thought to think that at the end of your time you will be allowed to drift peacefully with your family around you..  Believe in yourself Hops and give her the right to be..

Spyralle xxx

[axa]

Hops,

I am remembering when my Daughter was dying I made a choice to stop feeding her.  She hated the feeding and just wanted to sleep.  Iknew when I stopped waking her for her feeds I was letting her go.  I was not trying to keep her here for me any longer.  I sat and watched my beautiful wee girl sleep away her last days and I surrendered to it.  I gave her what she wanted in the end.  I gave her her life to sleep and left her drift onto her next life.  She was so tired of the struggle of living I knew I had no right to try and keep her alive so I could be with her.  Your Mom is her own person, let her choose these days for herself.  I think courage is about letting the other go where they will, staying beside them and trusting them with their life.

This brings up so many memories for me.  I know I did the right thing.  I know that with all my heart.  Part of me often wonders if I should have done it sooner.

I am sitting here now with tears streaming down my face thinking of my beautiful girl and I thank God, the universe for my precious baby and I trust she is being held with love and safety beyond me.

With much love,

Axa

[Hopalong]

Thank you, ((((((((((((((((Axa))))))))))))))))

Your love is so powerful there is no way, imo, that it isn't enfolding your daughter as she is now.

love,
Hops

[Certain Hope]

Dear Hops,

I can only imagine how this must feel for you... pretty near imaginings... as I've given this considerable thought re: my own aging mother.
((((((((Hops)))))))
I don't believe that any ambivalent feelings are controlling your reactions to all this... and if they threatened to do that, I''m just confident you would choose to set them aside in order to do what's best for your mom.
But rousing her from peaceful rest every few hours makes no sense... no more sense than waking a tiny baby every 3 hours to feed her on schedule.
Your judgment on what's best in caring for your mom is trustworthy, Hops, when it's not based on shame or guilt.
You know that you have not made her what she is or put her into this position. You are there and have been there for her in very real ways, as much as she's allowed you to be real to her...
and that's the best a daughter can do.
Please receive this final bit straight from my heart, in good will and without any intent of offense... I do hope that your mom has had an opportunity to know Jesus. I really can't reply to this post without including that, Hops... because of all that I think I know or can imagine,
He's the one thing needful.

With Much Love,
Hope

[Ami]

Dear Hops,
  I am so sorry that you are going through this. I think that all people have ambivalent feelings in all relationships. I could be wrong,but I think that it is human nature.
  The medical field prescribes "things" as they did for your mother ,often, to CYA. Often things are given not in the patients best interest,but to 'prepare" for a potential lawsuit. Families can come in later and say that they were not told to do a certain thing and the patient died. then, The facility(PT) or doctor is sued. There are lawsuits( and winning) over the silliest things.
  IMO, your mother as a 96 year old person deserves the right to follow what her body wants,not some medically prescribes routine. Think of yourself-- which regimen would you want to follow?
  I think that "normal' guilt is making you doubt yourself. You are having normal guilt and normal ambivalent feelings(IMO).
   I would say that the most important thing that you can do,now, is to trust yourself.
         (((((((((((((((((((Hops))))))))))))))))))))))                             Love    Ami
 

[pennyplant]

Hopsy, I bet there is something you can read about the end of life that probably describes the not wanting to eat and the wanting to sleep.  It would be cruel to force her body to do the things it is not capable of.  Medical people are trained to not ever give up.  It sounds like your mother wants to listen to her body as well.  I understand the worry about feeling guilt on your part.  But it's like the saying, no matter how you feel about your parents, you will miss them when they are gone.  You know you love her and you know you want the best for her.  I have seen people try to make dying patients eat.  Cajoling them, worrying about it.  If she doesn't want to eat and she wants to sleep, then that is for the best and it is for her, not anybody else.  It is her life and her body.  She has always done what she wanted up until now.  I see no reason not to let her do it her way.

Pennyplant

[sKePTiKal]

Hops - your love will point you in the right direction. Trust yourself.

[Lupita]

Dear Hop, despite all you have done for her, I sense a little guilt in your post. Why do you think is that? You have woorked hard for your mother. I ask you that because I feel guilt with my mother despite all the damage she has done to me.

[Gaining Strength]

Hops - you have received such wonderful, supportive posts.  There is nothing more I can add except to say that I suppoort you fully.  I find Axa's experience and her post to be unspeakably poignant, so powerful. 

You describe her sleep to be peaceful to her and I read between the lines that it is peaceful to you as well.  Cherish this shared peace, it has healing for you both.  My heart felt love for you during this time of transition.  I pray you receive these moments of shared peace.  You deserve it and so does she. - your friend - Gaining Strength