Author Topic: Betrayal  (Read 1673 times)

guest101

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Betrayal
« on: August 03, 2007, 10:09:55 AM »
Ami made an excellent suggestion and I feel it would be really powerful to explore the pain that comes from being betrayed.

I recently went through a traumatic experience with an ex, and in that experience it became clear to me that rather than experience any pain this person was ready and willing and able to cause me pain instead.

there was an emotional "knowing" a connection that helped me understand that I experienced this in childhood and even instinctively knew what was happenning.

I probably tried to point it out or called attention to it in some way but was severely punished for doing so instead of having my needs met-- further betrayal.

Both my mother and father actively betrayed my welfare and emotional well being to meet their own needs -- they actively used me.

What kind of people uses another person to meet their own needs and if that person is hurt (has a need), ignores or punishes that person for being hurt (or in need)?

If I pointed this double standard out or called attention to my pain they punished me further for it!

I find that amazing.  I can't imagine doing this to my own children!

I was to be used and also I was to be silent about being used.

This betrayal -- being hurt by the ones I am looking to for nurturing and then being asked to be silent about it has replayed itself through out my entire life.

I am just beginning to accept that many people are loving and caring but some people do not care at all about others  WHEN their own feelings are on the table.  They don't seem to know how to consider others while also taking care of themselves and to ask them to actually puts you in grave danger.

It is like throwing down your weapon in front of Hitler and asking for peace.

Hitler, who sees surrender as a sign of weakness, feels fully justified in killing you because you're so weak and have rendered yourself helpless.  The two of you it seems are not speaking the same language.

For ex.  I believe when I reached out to my mother for love what she received was that I was trying to invade her and violate her -- she wasn't open and there was scarcely enough love in her for her own self to spare a little for me.


Feeling under attack, she felt justifiable in attacking back, to my detriment.

If I was hurt then I deserved it.  I assume her inner dialogue went something like this:  If you don't want to get hurt then leave me alone.

Now of course, I was to meet any and every need she had w/o question.  even the highly inappropriate ones.

as an adult, I intellectually understand this is the cornerstone thinking of any abusive relationship:  You are here to serve me.

Ami

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Re: Betrayal
« Reply #1 on: August 03, 2007, 10:17:35 AM »
Thanks for that post. It holds so much pain and truth for me. I will need to think about it today and write later.There is so much pain in those patterns. Love to you, Friend                                                 Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

Ami

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Re: Betrayal
« Reply #2 on: August 03, 2007, 09:33:04 PM »
Dear Guest,
  I see my life as defined as betrayal. The Bible says that 'there is no temptation taken us that is not common to man....." This is saying that we ,as humans, all experience the same emotions in life. This gives me comfort.
  I want to start having life problems and not "N problems.
 I want to join the human race instead being a poor abused girl from an N mother who sits in a different category.
   This is my goal.I was always defined (in my own mind) by my mother. I  want to feel like I am human and not her "daughter"                                                                              Love   Ami
No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.        Eleanor Roosevelt

Most of our problems come from losing contact with our instincts,with the age old wisdom stored within us.
   Carl Jung

isittoolate

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Re: Betrayal
« Reply #3 on: August 03, 2007, 09:40:04 PM »
Ami

It might be of assistance to you, if you mentally built a fence, and all the N stuff is on one side and the struggliing you, alone on the other side, but still have this anonymous forum for assistance,r anyone else who is TOTALLY FOR YOU.

Whenever an N thought comes, throw it over the fence.............. and make a new good decision for yourself.

I did that and it worked for me. I was amazed how quickly I became positive about people and more people than I thought I would.

Izzy

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guest101

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Re: Betrayal
« Reply #4 on: August 04, 2007, 01:03:15 AM »
(((((((((((((((((Ami)))))))))))))))))))
Quote

I want to join the human race instead being a poor abused girl from an N mother who sits in a different category.

As you go through your experiences and begin to define yourself by your triumphs over betrayal you will start to see yourself differently.

Its a slow process but think of how long it took you to get to where you are now?

You will look back one day and be amazed -- I promise you.

g

reallyME

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Re: Betrayal
« Reply #5 on: August 04, 2007, 08:57:08 AM »
Quote
Guest: It is like throwing down your weapon in front of Hitler and asking for peace.

Hitler, who sees surrender as a sign of weakness, feels fully justified in killing you because you're so weak and have rendered yourself helpless.  The two of you it seems are not speaking the same language.

THIS WAS SO PERFECT TO DESCRIBE WHAT CONTROLLERS AND N'S DO!

guest101

  • Guest
Re: Betrayal
« Reply #6 on: August 04, 2007, 11:53:58 AM »
[ quote author=reallyME link=topic=5318.msg83380#msg83380 date=1186232228]
Quote
Guest: It is like throwing down your weapon in front of Hitler and asking for peace.

Hitler, who sees surrender as a sign of weakness, feels fully justified in killing you because you're so weak and have rendered yourself helpless.  The two of you it seems are not speaking the same language.

THIS WAS SO PERFECT TO DESCRIBE WHAT CONTROLLERS AND N'S DO!
[/quote]



Laura,

I like to keep that image in my mind because when two people are speaking different languages, emotionally there is no relating going on and the one who is opening up and trying to resolve issues and heal can really get hurt because the other person just feels like they're under siege, invaded, about to be violated and subject to attack so they attack back.

A lot of times not knowing this the person who wanted to relate is left feeling:  What the hell happened?


Lupita

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Re: Betrayal
« Reply #7 on: August 06, 2007, 07:03:00 PM »
Dear Guest 101, I totally agree with you. In my school there is a teacher who mocks children that are doing well in my class, and these children misbehave in my class as a response to that. He is such an A%$*&L. I talked to the principal and he told me that I had to talk to this teacher and tell him. I just did not. Only hold grodges and paralized to confront that abusive behavior. It happened all my life.
It feels like you are talking to me. Your post is very touching.
Thank you.

gratitude28

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Re: Betrayal
« Reply #8 on: August 07, 2007, 01:05:33 PM »
Shunned,
I love your answer here. I am reading Dr. Laura's book right now -Bad Childhood... Good Life (something like that) and she talks about how we punish ourselves too. I know I did for years. The scary thing is, you don't even know that's what you are doing until you can separate out the reasons for why you do certain things... if that makes sense.
Thanks Shunned.
Love, Beth
"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable." Douglas Adams