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Is It Always N Behavior to Violate Others' Boundaries?
Bella_French:
Dear Bones,
Something I learned about N's, which might help, is apparently N's have abandonment issues about as severe as they get. This usually means that overtly `rejecting' type of behavior will trigger their abandonment issues, cause intense fear, and the desire to pursue you (to make the pain go away). It sounds a bit like this `pursuit' is what is annoying you the most right now? I know that it would feel a bit like `stalking' to me, and I would not like it at all myself, but thats just me. I like to drift away in friendships when I need to, rather than be pursued.
Since you haven't said otherwise, I assume that you want to continue this friendship rather than end it?
If that is the case, do you think that perhaps there could be a way of wording your `rejections' so they don't trigger the N-friends abandonment issues so intensely? Perhaps you could offer a bit of gentle reassurance, such as rescheduling, or not being quite as `blunt'?.
I honestly found it easier to let go of my N-friends myself though, and that would be my best advice. But if is this not what you want, I hope my suggestions will help you
X Bella
Certain Hope:
Dear Bones,
For what it's worth (not much, I know) I just really don't feel that this woman is deliberately acting dense.
Her obliviousness feels like a pre-programmed response to any reality in which her desires are thwarted. In other words, she doesn't appear to connect with reality at any depth... stuck in her own head, so to speak.
For some time, I've wondered about Bella's question, too... I assume that you want to continue this friendship rather than end it?
Cuz if so, I wonder what toll this level of frustration may take on your own well-being, knowing that she will not change.
In my life, I've had to continue to interact with several folks who are pretty much stone walls when it comes to listening.
Drastically lowering my expectations of them and accepting that they're severely limited in relationship abilities is the only way I can manage that. The thing is, to continue focusing on their weaknesses makes those problems grow larger and larger in my sight, and pretty soon all I can see about them is the negative. So if I'm determined to remain in the relationship, I must also determine to drop that fault-observing habit and just allow them to be who they are. You know what I'm sayin?
Love to you,
Carolyn
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Bella_French on October 02, 2007, 05:24:35 AM ---Dear Bones,
Something I learned about N's, which might help, is apparently N's have abandonment issues about as severe as they get. This usually means that overtly `rejecting' type of behavior will trigger their abandonment issues, cause intense fear, and the desire to pursue you (to make the pain go away). It sounds a bit like this `pursuit' is what is annoying you the most right now? I know that it would feel a bit like `stalking' to me, and I would not like it at all myself, but thats just me. I like to drift away in friendships when I need to, rather than be pursued.
Since you haven't said otherwise, I assume that you want to continue this friendship rather than end it?
If that is the case, do you think that perhaps there could be a way of wording your `rejections' so they don't trigger the N-friends abandonment issues so intensely? Perhaps you could offer a bit of gentle reassurance, such as rescheduling, or not being quite as `blunt'?.
I honestly found it easier to let go of my N-friends myself though, and that would be my best advice. But if is this not what you want, I hope my suggestions will help you
X Bella
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Bella!
I really don't want to be around her anymore because I'm tired of explaining the obvious repeatedly to her. I've recently started getting blunt with her because she doesn't listen to anything else that doesn't "fit" in her own little world. She's now complaining that one of her sisters doesn't talk to her much anymore (ignoring the fact that she violated this sister's boundaries after repeated reminders not to do so). I've watched this sister attempt to gently explain that it's not polite to impose on the host and hostess of a party after she's been politely reminded that it's time to go home. (She chose to ignore everyone until the host finally had to get blunt with her after politely asking her to go home for three hours and she continued to ignore him.) Subtleties do not work with her. Explaining the obvious in detail does not work with her. I've dealt with her behavior for over 40 years and I'm done with the explanations when she insists on attempting to violate my schedule and violate my physical space by grabbing and snatching at things (i.e. my regalia). My patience is gone.
Bones
BonesMS:
--- Quote from: Certain Hope on October 02, 2007, 08:31:02 AM ---Dear Bones,
For what it's worth (not much, I know) I just really don't feel that this woman is deliberately acting dense.
Her obliviousness feels like a pre-programmed response to any reality in which her desires are thwarted. In other words, she doesn't appear to connect with reality at any depth... stuck in her own head, so to speak.
For some time, I've wondered about Bella's question, too... I assume that you want to continue this friendship rather than end it?
Cuz if so, I wonder what toll this level of frustration may take on your own well-being, knowing that she will not change.
In my life, I've had to continue to interact with several folks who are pretty much stone walls when it comes to listening.
Drastically lowering my expectations of them and accepting that they're severely limited in relationship abilities is the only way I can manage that. The thing is, to continue focusing on their weaknesses makes those problems grow larger and larger in my sight, and pretty soon all I can see about them is the negative. So if I'm determined to remain in the relationship, I must also determine to drop that fault-observing habit and just allow them to be who they are. You know what I'm sayin?
Love to you,
Carolyn
--- End quote ---
Thanks, Carolyn.
I've just mentioned to Bella that I really don't want to be around her anymore because she continues to attempt to violate my physical boundaries and my time boundaries. From my dealings with her, her attitude seems to be that the word "NO" does not exist in her little world. It's as if she is 50-something going on 6 because that is what she learned growing up. My feeling is that whenever her mother had to tell her "NO" to something, she would then start to dither until the "NO" magically changed into a "YES" and she gets what she wants the instant she wants it. That might have been cute when she was 6 years old. It's NOT cute at age 50-something and she does this with her work colleagues, her other family members, her husband and friends who have lives and responsibilities of their own. It's very annoying when she expects everyone else to instantaneously drop what they need to do for her convenience and continues to dither when the rest of us have to repeatedly tell her "NO" because we now have adult responsibilities to attend to. What REALLY gets me is her attitude that because I'm not officially/legally married I've got nothing to do, nowhere to go and ALL of my time is automatically owned by her and the concept of "NO" simply does not exist in her own little mind. Grrrrrrrrr!!!!!
Bones
Bella_French:
Dear Bones,
Good luck with breaking up with your friend. It does sound like the best thing to do in this case.
X Bella
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