Is It Always N Behavior to Violate Others' Boundaries?

[Ami]

Dear Bones,
  Your relationship with NDoofus has been very illuminating for me.She is a classic example of how an N relationship works.
  I bet that you learned a lot from her, too., even though it was a painful learning experience.I bet that you are wiser in choosing friends,now. Am I right?
  I guess that I am trying to put a good 'spin" on it.However, may you have no more  N learning experiences is my "prayer" for you, Bones                    Love  Ami

(((((((((((((((((((((((Bones)))))))))))))))))))))

[BonesMS]

Dear Bones,
  Your relationship with NDoofus has been very illuminating for me.She is a classic example of how an N relationship works.
  I bet that you learned a lot from her, too., even though it was a painful learning experience.I bet that you are wiser in choosing friends,now. Am I right?
  I guess that I am trying to put a good 'spin" on it.However, may you have no more  N learning experiences is my "prayer" for you, Bones                    Love  Ami

(((((((((((((((((((((((Bones)))))))))))))))))))))

Thanks, Ami.

I have to take into account that NDoofus and I originally became friends when we were both sophomores in high school....over 40 years ago.  At that time, narcissism was not that well known and how many high school kids would understand it, even then?

Bones

[Hopalong]

Hi Bones,
I keep wondering if Ndoofus perhaps is limited by some other problem than Nism.

So many of her responses seem uncomprehending ... different from that dark selfishness.
I get the sense sometimes that the social cues you're trying to emit don't even register, not that she's intentionally driving over the boundaries, but she might have defective radar for boundaries.

Does that compute?

Hops

[BonesMS]

Hi Bones,
I keep wondering if Ndoofus perhaps is limited by some other problem than Nism.

So many of her responses seem uncomprehending ... different from that dark selfishness.
I get the sense sometimes that the social cues you're trying to emit don't even register, not that she's intentionally driving over the boundaries, but she might have defective radar for boundaries.

Does that compute?

Hops

I know she does not have brain damage as she has behaved this way as long as I've known her.  I've witnessed her "dark side" with the way she's acted toward other people's children.  The most telling was during the flight home and a 2-year-old started to cry because he was tired, uncomfortable and it was W-A-A-Y past his bedtime.  Her response?  "That kid needs to shut the F@#% up!" 

Bones

[Hopalong]

Yikes.
That IS dark.

Don't blame you for tiring of this person, Bones...

Hops

[BonesMS]

Yikes.
That IS dark.

Don't blame you for tiring of this person, Bones...

Hops

Thanks, Hops!

One of the other things that she has done that irks me is that she even refuses to refer to her only nephew by his name.  She has complained about how "the kid" has interfered with things SHE wants to do.  For an example, she called her sister, at the usual last minute, wanting her to do something and the sister told her "Sorry, no, I have an appointment to meet with my son's teachers during Back to School Nite".  Then NDoofus complains to me about that later.  She actually expects her sister to put her child's needs on the back-burner for HER convenience!  Sheesh!

Bones

[betr4]

The n I am married to negates others to the point that it is not even a thought that he is violating anyone's boundaries. It's just what he does and who he is, so controlling and dominant there is no choice for the other person as far as he is concerned. A denial of other's feelings and needs.   His actions make that obvious.  He has mastered only being involved with people and places that he can control to serve his purpose.   
When the nh is confronted by someone with boundaries, he writes them off.  Which would be anyone who would slight his ego or control. 
 As my boundaries get stronger with recovery the nh can no longer violate them nor do my boundaries collapse.  In the past I was not strong enough to enforce my boundaries.  His n behaviors don't work on me any more.
Now I can see how he operates and how others participate.
It used to be me.  Getting stronger has separated me from many people in my family and I am finding wonderful people to enjoy life with, not just try to survive the pain.
Thanks, BR

[BonesMS]

The n I am married to negates others to the point that it is not even a thought that he is violating anyone's boundaries. It's just what he does and who he is, so controlling and dominant there is no choice for the other person as far as he is concerned. A denial of other's feelings and needs.   His actions make that obvious.  He has mastered only being involved with people and places that he can control to serve his purpose.   
When the nh is confronted by someone with boundaries, he writes them off.  Which would be anyone who would slight his ego or control. 
 As my boundaries get stronger with recovery the nh can no longer violate them nor do my boundaries collapse.  In the past I was not strong enough to enforce my boundaries.  His n behaviors don't work on me any more.
Now I can see how he operates and how others participate.
It used to be me.  Getting stronger has separated me from many people in my family and I am finding wonderful people to enjoy life with, not just try to survive the pain.
Thanks, BR

Thank you, BR.

Isn't it interesting that the Ns in our lives seem to go from one extreme of either attempting to force their way past your boundaries or completely writing you off if you DARE refuse to knuckle under to their "royal" control!  Either extreme is dysfunctional, to say the least.  They have no clue how to function in a healthy manner.

Bones

[changing]

Bonesey and BR-

Oh goodness you have told the creepy and nauseating truth- It is like the Night of the Living Dead- they come out to pillage and feast upon your living flesh, relentless and unfeeling, inhuman and uncaring- then they retreat to their hidden gravesites!! Yecch!

Love,

 Changing

[BonesMS]

That sounds about right!

This morning, I had to get up early to prepare to attend CERT training.  Before I headed out, I checked my e-mail and what do I find?  ANOTHER e-mail from NDoofus ASSUMING that I had nothing to do, nowhere to go and she was going to "drop in".  NOWHERE does she ask me anything!  I wrote back a very succint answer:

"I AM NOT AVAILABLE!"

Bones

[seasons]

Hi Bones,

ANOTHER e-mail from NDoofus ASSUMING that I had nothing to do, nowhere to go and she was going to "drop in".  NOWHERE does she ask me anything!  I wrote back a very succint answer:

"I AM NOT AVAILABLE!"

Boness,[/u]

How long did it take you to speak up for yourself?  I have never said, "I AM NOT AVAILABLE!"  It sounds beautiful for the soul.

May your path lead you to love and joy. seasons

[BonesMS]

I've been saying it for a long time and now the volume is getting LOUDER.  She just sent me another e-mail assuming I have a coupon that I'm going to give her.  (Not even asking "May I have it?")  My response:  "I need my DVDs back and I don't have the coupon."

Bones

[Ami]

Dear Bones,
  Look at it this way--- you are  so much better now than when she went to your graduation with you and when you had your travelogues.
  You can identify N behavior much better and you are standing up for yourself.
   I see that your situations with her show that you are very different than before .            Love  Ami

[BonesMS]

Dear Bones,
  Look at it this way--- you are  so much better now than when she went to your graduation with you and when you had your travelogues.
  You can identify N behavior much better and you are standing up for yourself.
   I see that your situations with her show that you are very different than before .            Love  Ami

Thanks, Ami!

That trip to Minnesota was definitely a wake-up call!

Bones

[BonesMS]

One of the other things I'm shaking my head about is that recently I've been seeing on the news about a certain NPD person attempting to manipulate the media to feel sorry for her.  Watching this pathetic "act" made me look at the criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder in the DSM.  The more I read, the more it seems to fit!

Bones